Author Bio

Name: Capt. Horatio Herbert Hairball

Occupation: Pornographer, Space Pirate

Age: Older than soap.

Furaffinity: capt_hairball

Sexuality: Writesexual

Influences: Chuck Tingle, David Cronenberg, Tony Burgess, William S. Burroughs

Religion: Crazy guy on the bus telling you about Jesus and aliens.

Relationship Status: None of your damn business.

Best Pony is: Fluttershy

Waifu: Frazzle Rock

Husbando: Shining Armor

Best Video Game Evar: Civilization series

Best Video Game RIGHT NOW: Civ VI (obviously), Deathstate

Takes Online Bios Seriously: Sort of, I guess?

A helpful chart by my awesome editor Cerulean, who ought to know.

Aug

17th

2018

I want this game · 2:12pm Last Friday

This game. This game right here.

Has anyone played it? Is it any good? Would it be okay to play with my nine year old daughter? There's a daikumura, so I worry. I'd complain about adults taking over a little chidren's cartoon for their own needs, but... well that would be just a tiny bit hypocritical.

Report Captain_Hairball · 42 views · #I want this game #hypocrisy #apropriation #board games

TEat the Unfriendly
MLP: FiM
Comedy
Horror
Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy discover a common interest and use it to better their community.
Gore
Violence
Death
Profanity
Fluttershy
Pinkie
Captain_Hairball · 6.3k words · 34 11 · 435 views
ETrains, Tesseracts, and Alicorns
MLP: FiM
Adventure
Slice of Life
Twilight Velvet and Princess Cadence struggle with a long train ride, a natural disaster, a portal to oblivion, and their own awkward relationship. Which challenge will be most difficult? That last one.
Cadance
Twilight Velvet
Captain_Hairball · 6k words · 52 3 · 400 views
EPerfectly Not Perfect
MLP: FiM
Romance
Slice of Life
Rainbow Dash has pulled a muscle in her wing. Not a big deal, until she tries to fly home on it in bad weather and nearly dies. Fluttershy saves her, carries her home, and takes care of her.
Fluttershy
Rainbow Dash
Captain_Hairball · 1.7k words · 44 2 · 1.1k views
TThe Resurrectionists
MLP: FiM
Romance
Horror
Skanky Biscuits acts like a mean pony, but all she wants is for her friends to be safe. Now they’re involved in experiments with near-death experiences! How can she protect them when they’re literally courting death?
Sex
Violence
Suicide / Self Harm
Death
Profanity
Celestia
Luna
OC
Captain_Hairball · 24k words · 14 1 · 187 views
TWhy There Are So Many White Unicorns in Equestria
MLP: FiM
Comedy
Drama
Nineteen-year-old Princess Celestia can’t stop worrying about death. She tries to distract herself by banging every handsome stallion she can find, but her suitors are never around, and her resentful little sister is up to something.
Sex
Celestia
Luna
Starswirl
Captain_Hairball · 8.9k words · 104 13 · 1.5k views
TNever Have I Ever
MLP: FiM
Romance
When Rarity throws a client get-together at Canterlot Boutique, nerdy geologist Frazzle Rock sees an opportunity to confess her feelings for the older mare.
Sex
Pinkie
Rarity
Other
Trenderhoof
Captain_Hairball · 7.6k words · 19 2 · 308 views

Extremely Filthy Stories

I love writing filthy, kinky, bisexual clop.

Smart Cookie University Stories

The Resurrectionists Skanky Biscuits acts like a mean pony, but all she wants is for her friends to be safe. Now they’re involved in experiments with near-death experiences! How can she protect them when they’re literally courting death? by Captain_Hairball 24,484 words · 14 · 1

My original setting — Rarity's alma mater, a world-class university located in freezing cold Whinnyappolis.

My Best Stories

Trains, Tesseracts, and Alicorns Twilight Velvet and Princess Cadence struggle with a long train ride, a natural disaster, a portal to oblivion, and their own awkward relationship. Which challenge will be most difficult? That last one. by Captain_Hairball 5,970 words · 52 · 3
The Thing in the Sub-Sub-Sub-Basement Maud Pie and Frazzle Rock are called in to investigate a problem deep in the bowels of Canterlot Palace. What lies beyond the doors marked “speak ‘friend’ and enter”? by Captain_Hairball 2,559 words · 19 · 0
Perfectly Not Perfect Rainbow Dash has pulled a muscle in her wing. Not a big deal, until she tries to fly home on it in bad weather and nearly dies. Fluttershy saves her, carries her home, and takes care of her. by Captain_Hairball 1,690 words · 44 · 2
Why There Are So Many White Unicorns in Equestria Nineteen-year-old Princess Celestia can’t stop worrying about death. She tries to distract herself by banging every handsome stallion she can find, but her suitors are never around, and her resentful little sister is up to something. by Captain_Hairball 8,944 words · 104 · 13

Well, the ones I like best, anyway.

Seminal Favorites

Home is for the Weak The princess of the sun and a gimp orphan sit in a cardboard box. by Pickleless 22,427 words · 1,613 · 34
A Nightmare in Ponyville Screwball and the Ponyville kids must overcome Discord in their worst nightmares! by Paleo Prints 48,468 words · 262 · 12

I read these stories either before or very soon after I started writing fanfic, and they remain an inspiration.

EFluttershy Likes Rainbow Dash
MLP: FiM
Romance
Slice of Life
Fluttershy has a crush on Rainbow Dash. She decides to ask her out.
Fluttershy
Rainbow Dash
Pinkie
Velvet_Remedy · 1.1k words · 12 6 · 382 views
TMaking A Splash
Equestria Girls
Romance
Drama
Slice of Life
A one-shot romance between Juniper Montage and Wallflower Blush!
Human
Juniper Montage
Wallflower Blush
ajvasquezbrony28 · 2.3k words · 24 2 · 303 views
ESour Belle
MLP: FiM
Adventure
Tragedy
Having had enough of Diamond Tiara's bullying, Sweetie Belle comes across the Alicorn Amulet and plots her revenge..
Diamond Tiara
Silver Spoon
Cheerilee
Other
CMCs
AASBA · 3.9k words · 58 1 · 1.3k views
TEmbrace a Violent Wind
MLP: FiM
Drama
An immigrant to America, Soarin becomes a soldier in the Civil War and fatefully meets another in the sky over Gettysburg.
Violence
Alt. Universe
Soarin
Rune Soldier Dan · 1.6k words · 30 6 · 248 views
ECall Me Twilight
MLP: FiM
Romance
Slice of Life
Twilight and Sunburst get together for tea after a rather embarrassing confession.
Twilight
Sunburst
Summer Dancer · 5.2k words · 159 7 · 1.9k views
EA Spark of Love
MLP: FiM
Romance
Slice of Life
After an intense magic lesson, Starlight feels like her teachings are falling on deaf ears. Trixie notices the change in Starlight’s attitude, but what can she do about it?
Trixie
Starlight Glimmer
RCharge · 2.5k words · 46 3 · 630 views
EMeet the Family?
MLP: FiM
Romance
Comedy
Ocellus, in her efforts to further strengthen her relationship with Sandbar, introduces him to her "Father"
Changelings
Thorax
Pharynx
Ocellus
Sandbar
Jay David · 1.9k words · 255 8 · 3.5k views
ECreature Feature
MLP: FiM
Romance
Comedy
Slice of Life
The School Of Friendship a place to mold the minds of the future, in this case a group of friends who have a talent for causing trouble.
Gallus
Ocellus
Silverstream
Smolder
Yona
Saucyberry Serenade · 4.4k words · 80 1 · 1.7k views
TQuantum Gallop
MLP: FiM
Adventure
Drama
The youth of House Path are abruptly whisked away to a Ponyville where a tyrant queen rules absolutely, and the alliances with Griffonia and the Changeling Hives have never been forged. Who has changed history and how do they fix it?
Alt. Universe
Twilight
OC
Doctor Whooves
Chrysalis
Griffons
Goldfur · 222k words · 194 14 · 2.1k views
TShadowbolt Harmony Division
MLP: FiM
Dark
Adventure
Thriller
In order to protect Equestria should she be unable to rule, Celestia created the SHD. Years later, her fears came true as Manehattan fell to plague and anarchy, taking her down with it. In response, the Division was activated.
Sex
Gore
Violence
Profanity
Crossover
Alt. Universe
Celestia
Luna
OC
Other
Rainium · 4.7k words · 209 views
EFlurry Heart Wants a Pony
MLP: FiM
Comedy
Random
Slice of Life
It's Princess Flurry Heart's 7th Birthday and she one wants one thing. But where in the world did she get such a horrifying idea?
Human
Other
Cadance
Shining Armor
Flurry Heart
TheDriderPony · 2.5k words · 634 13 · 7.5k views
TApplejack, I Can Explain!
MLP: FiM
Slice of Life
Applejack finds something hidden under Apple Bloom’s mattress. Now, it’s time for big sister and little sister to have a talk about what is and isn’t right for an Apple to do.
Sex
Applejack
Apple Bloom
CMCs
Alaborn · 2.7k words · 827 56 · 11k views