Author Bio

Name: Capt. Horatio Herbert Hairball

Occupation: Pornographer, Space Pirate

Age: Older than soap.

Furaffinity: capt_hairball

Deviantart: capthairball

Twitter: @Capthairball

Sexuality: Writesexual

Influences: Chuck Tingle, David Cronenberg, Tony Burgess, William S. Burroughs

Religion: Crazy guy on the bus telling you about Jesus and aliens.

Relationship Status: None of your damn business.

Best Pony is: Fluttershy

Waifu: Frazzle Rock

Husbando: Shining Armor

Best Video Game Evar: Civilization series

Best Video Game RIGHT NOW: Civ VI (obviously), Deathstate

Takes Online Bios Seriously: Sort of, I guess?

Commission Rates

Rates: $.05/word, minimum 3K words.
Payment up front in full via Paypal, non-refundable.

Fetish or cuddle fluff only. No non-con, gore, or bathroom stuff. Commissioner gets one round of edits and I'll post the second draft.

A helpful chart by my awesome editor Cerulean, who ought to know.

Oct

26th

2020

New Chapter Up, and a Nice Request · 10:35pm 8 hours ago

Yup. NEW CHAPTER! Much violence. Big character moments.

Meanwhile. This is going to sound strange. But can no one else please upvote this story? I like the votes where they are.

Report Captain_Hairball · 27 views · Story: Fallout: Equestria — Pillars of Society ·

TMaregnificat
MLP: FiM
Adventure
Slice of Life
Pregnant and desperate, Derpy Hooves travels into the Everfree Forest seeking the wise mare that some say lives there.
Zecora
Derpy
Captain_Hairball · 2.4k words · 175 2 · 1.3k views
TBattle of Canterlot: I Want to Break Free
MLP: FiM
MLP: Movie
Adventure
The Storm King has defeated the reigning Princesses and put Twilight Sparkle to flight. Now more than ever, Equestria needs a wise and selfless leader. Instead, they have Blueblood.
Death
Violence
Alt. Universe
Prince Blueblood
Fancypants
Royal Guard
Tempest Shadow
Raven Inkwell
Captain_Hairball · 14k words · 59 4 · 587 views
TTempest Shadow: Mooby Road
MLP: FiM
Equestria Girls
Adventure
Slice of Life
In the Human World, Tempest is safe from the Storm King’s minions, and from pony reprisals. But she isn’t safe from her greatest enemy: herself.
Sex
Violence
Death
Profanity
Pinkie
Rarity
Tempest Shadow
Captain_Hairball · 11k words · 42 4 · 621 views
TEat the Unfriendly
MLP: FiM
Comedy
Horror
Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy discover a common interest and use it to better their community.
Gore
Violence
Death
Profanity
Fluttershy
Pinkie
Captain_Hairball · 6.3k words · 66 11 · 1.6k views
ETrains, Tesseracts, and Alicorns
MLP: FiM
Adventure
Slice of Life
Twilight Velvet and Princess Cadence struggle with a long train ride, a natural disaster, a portal to oblivion, and their own awkward relationship. Which challenge will be most difficult? That last one.
Cadance
Twilight Velvet
Captain_Hairball · 6k words · 63 3 · 679 views
EPerfectly Not Perfect
MLP: FiM
Romance
Slice of Life
Rainbow Dash has pulled a muscle in her wing. Not a big deal, until she tries to fly home on it in bad weather and nearly dies. Fluttershy saves her, carries her home, and takes care of her.
Fluttershy
Rainbow Dash
Captain_Hairball · 1.7k words · 62 1 · 1.9k views

My Best Stories

Maregnificat Pregnant and desperate, Derpy Hooves travels into the Everfree Forest seeking the wise mare that some say lives there. by Captain_Hairball 2,380 words · 175 · 2
Perfectly Not Perfect Rainbow Dash has pulled a muscle in her wing. Not a big deal, until she tries to fly home on it in bad weather and nearly dies. Fluttershy saves her, carries her home, and takes care of her. by Captain_Hairball 1,690 words · 62 · 1
Battle of Canterlot: I Want to Break Free The Storm King has defeated the reigning Princesses and put Twilight Sparkle to flight. Now more than ever, Equestria needs a wise and selfless leader. Instead, they have Blueblood. by Captain_Hairball 14,203 words · 59 · 4

Smart Cookie University Stories

The Resurrectionists Skanky Biscuits acts like a mean pony, but all she wants is for her friends to be safe. Now they’re involved in experiments with near-death experiences! How can she protect them when they’re literally courting death? by Captain_Hairball 24,484 words · 15 · 1

My original setting — Rarity's alma mater, a world-class university located in freezing cold Whinnyappolis.

Extremely Filthy Stories

I love writing filthy, kinky, bisexual clop.

Seminal Favorites

Home is for the Weak The princess of the sun and a gimp orphan sit in a cardboard box. by Pickleless 23,501 words · 1,997 · 46
A Nightmare in Ponyville Screwball and the Ponyville kids must overcome Discord in their worst nightmares! by Paleo Prints 48,468 words · 263 · 12

I read these stories either before or very soon after I started writing fanfic, and they remain an inspiration.

TIsaac's Box
MLP: FiM
Dark
Adventure
Slice of Life
He and his friends have fought for a millennia inside what could only be described as hell, but now, the box has been found, and it has been opened, releasing not only Isaac, but the horrors within.
Violence
Gore
Death
Crossover
Human
Celestia
Luna
Cadance
Shining Armor
Main 6
dragenfire68 · 21k words · 45 5 · 1k views
EDark Intimations
Equestria Girls
Comedy
Drama
Twilight's friends can tell she's avoiding something. They don't know just what kind of doom she fears is on the horizon.
Twilight Velvet
Main 7 (EqG)
FanOfMostEverything · 4.4k words · 203 6 · 1.8k views
TPrey
MLP: FiM
Romance
Drama
Horror
Ocellus is trapped in a palace infested with a brood of love-starved changelings and their queen who are intent on using her only way home as a means to invade her world.
Luna
Ocellus
Smolder
Young Six
Kkat · 115k words · 417 14 · 3.3k views
TTime Enough for Friendship
MLP: FiM
Adventure
Drama
Twilight's curiosity about her new castle leads her to stumbling upon one of the greatest secrets of all time.
Twilight
Discord
Other
Tirek
Starswirl
FanOfMostEverything · 7.1k words · 273 10 · 4.1k views
EBlank
MLP: FiM
Sad
Tragedy
What if Twilight had remembered a reforming spell?
Alt. Universe
Fluttershy
Twilight
Discord
GeekCat · 11k words · 531 15 · 4.8k views
EHappiness Under Gray Skies
MLP: FiM
Slice of Life
I never saw, oh, how much you loved me / I'm so sorry I went away
Twilight
Celestia
Sunset Shimmer
PingZing · 1.7k words · 191 5 · 1.9k views
TCrashing Angels
MLP: FiM
Romance
Drama
Slice of Life
A story of how Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash met as fillies. The joys and hardships of life, friendship, and love and all the surprises that happen along their journey as they become best friends--and much more.
Fluttershy
Rainbow Dash
Spitfire
Soarin
Other
lillytheomegawolf · 80k words · 142 10 · 4.5k views
ETrip the Light Scholastic
MLP: FiM
Drama
Slice of Life
Sunset Shimmer is assigned to be Princess Cadance's private magic tutor. Surely this can only end well.
Celestia
Philomena
Cadance
Sunset Shimmer
ArgonMatrix · 43k words · 122 5 · 1.6k views
TEerie Lantern and the Not-So-Dead Haunting
MLP: FiM
Comedy
Drama
Eerie Lantern can see the dead. She just wishes she could stop seeing the living. Enter Moonlight Raven and Sunshine Smiles...
Profanity
OC
Moonlight Raven
Sunshine Smiles
Nines · 17k words · 63 0 · 544 views
EBad Genies
MLP: FiM
Adventure
Drama
Flurry Heart is not doing well at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns.
Scootaloo
Flurry Heart
Kodiologist · 4.6k words · 14 0 · 265 views
TStar Wars Jedi Lyra: The Search
MLP: FiM
Star Wars
Adventure
Sci-Fi
Jedi Padawan Lyra Heartstrings scours the war-torn galaxy in search of her long-lost home.
Violence
Crossover
Human
Alt. Universe
Lyra
Bon-Bon
OC
currentlemon · 160k words · 119 6 · 1.4k views
TGuppy Love
MLP: FiM
Romance
Sad
Slice of Life
Sometimes, life drops a miracle in your lap. For Applejack, that miracle has scales. Now she has to figure out what to do with her.
Alt. Universe
Human
Fluttershy
Rainbow Dash
Applejack
Rarity
Sweetie Belle
PaulAsaran · 47k words · 253 16 · 2.2k views