• Member Since 20th Oct, 2015
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago


Harkness compliant since 2015.

Author Bio

Name: Capt. Horatio Herbert Hairball

Occupation: Pornographer, Space Pirate

Age: Older than soap.

Furaffinity: capt_hairball

Deviantart: capthairball

Twitter: @Capthairball

Sexuality: Writesexual

Influences: Chuck Tingle, David Cronenberg, Tony Burgess, William S. Burroughs

Religion: Crazy guy on the bus telling you about Jesus and aliens.

Relationship Status: None of your damn business.

Best Pony is: Fluttershy

Waifu: Frazzle Rock

Husbando: Shining Armor

Best Video Game Evar: Civilization series

Best Video Game RIGHT NOW: Civ VI (obviously), Deathstate

Takes Online Bios Seriously: Sort of, I guess?

Commission Rates

Every once in a while someone asks, so I'm just going to put this here so I don't have to have a conversation about it every time:

Rates: $.05/word, minimum 3K words.
Payment up front in full via Paypal, non-refundable.

Fetish or cuddle fluff only. No non-con, gore, or bathroom stuff. Commissioner gets one round of edits and I'll post the second draft.

If the rates seem high, keep in mind I'm neck deep in my own ideas and okay for money. I'm only gonna do a commission if someone makes it super worth my time. :trixieshiftleft:

A helpful chart by my awesome editor Cerulean, who ought to know.


James Joyce's "The Werewolves of London" · 3:25pm November 14th

This is some next level fanfic:

(Mayfair. The Newspaper-Boy holds a copy of the late edition, ink smudging onto his fingertips. Passers-by slow as they read the splashed headline.)

THE NEWSPAPER-BOY: Extra! Extra! The hairy-handed gent who ran amuck in Kent has lately been overheard in Mayfair! Extra Extra!

A PASSERBY: (admonishingly) Yeh bett’r stay away fr’m h’m. He’ll rip yer lungs out.

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Read it Later List (For My Own Reference)

Comments ( 42 )
  • Viewing 38 - 42 of 42

Sweet. Welcome to Epic Adventure, High Fantasy, and Sci-Fi!


That’s wonderful to hear! Thank you so much!

Good lord...in the last two weeks I have actually gotten to take enough time out of work to finish reading the last of your 38 stories. Amazing work. Per usual.


No. I have too many unfinished ideas of my own, sorry!

  • Viewing 38 - 42 of 42
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