• Member Since 25th Sep, 2011
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

FanOfMostEverything


Thinking too much for fun and profit.


E

Twilight Sparkle has fulfilled her destiny, ascending to alicornhood. But now that she's earned her wings, she faces a troubling question: She's a princess, yes, but princess of what?

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 37 )

Seems though this has a lot of potential. I hope you do continue with this.

I think you've done yourself a disservice putting this out so quickly. It's short — not even 2k words — and still feels padded. The Celestia-Luna conversation especially; you described facial expressions and actions on almost every single line of dialogue. While this is worlds better than constant adverbial tagging or said-bookisms, you don't need it. Remember, you wrote The Glaring Gaffes of Gabby Gums, you know exactly how to pack meaning, punch, humor and subtext into speech without turning it into a mime show. You can write very well — let your writing speak for itself.

The bigger flaw is that there is no hook. You've walked into a telling/showing problem: telling the reader that there's going to be a big adventure rather than showing the reader that there will be a big adventure because circumstances necessitate it. You don't present a crisis in desperate need of fixing, or a tantalising puzzle, or an amazing opportunity for fortune, or really even an amazing opportunity for personal growth.

The discussion of the Ethereal Plane is nice. I feel it could have been improved by Twilight dorking out about the science/magic of it, or already running experiments to figure it out, or something along those lines. YMMV.

I'd love a decent author — especially one who can bang out decent dry humor like you can — to chat adventure stories with, so when you feel like picking this up, send me a PM. I'd love to trade ideas and such, if you're up for it of course.

Yours in Faust,

Chuckie

An anxious know Celestia hadn't even noticed loosened.

What?

2178513 an anxious expression... though I think the know can be removed and anxious turned into anxiousness.

So far the adventure tag doesn't work. I'd say it is more slice of life atm.

Good start non the less and I'll keep reading.

Well this is intriguing. Hope you do continue this.

This looks to be off to a good start. :twilightsmile:

2178513
that was pretty much my reaction too.

2178513 2186731
That was a typo. The word should be "knot." Sorry about that. :twilightblush:

2177761
Thank you. This is perhaps the most constructive piece of criticism I've gotten on this site, and I'll definitely put it to good use. Expect to see this bit of the story revamped. Don't expect any time soon, but expect it. :twilightblush:

Ooh, can't wait to find out what her sphere of control is!

So, according to your headcanon, Cadence was born normally? Interesting.

In the event that you do continue this story, I'll be very interested on where it goes.

I don't really agree with Chuckfinley above. I don't see any problem with the pacing of the dialogue (unless you've changed it since his post), and I object to the implication that describing facial expressions and gestures is a failure to let the writing speak for itself rather than an embellishment of the writing. Of course, he's right in that you can easily do it too much. :twilightblush: But I think plenty of description is suitable for a thoughtful subject like this, where one can imagine the three princesses wanting to take things slowly.

I also think you have presented a tantalizing puzzle, albeit an obvious one for contemplating between Seasons 3 and 4--what will Twilight be the princess of? I like the idea of her reviewing memories in the Etheral Plane. I like the idea of Diamond Dog transcendentalists, since I play a highly spiritual Diamond Dog online. And I like the way the window to the future looked. If this story has a flaw, it's just that there's no second chapter. :scootangel:

When Twilight said "Friendship, or Magic," I imagined myself as Celestia, laughing merrily for a while and saying, "Well! I suppose you'll have to decide!" And then Twilight suggests that friendship and magic are really the same on some level, and Celestia says, "Are they?" And the discussion gets very juicy.

I'd really like to see more, this is a neat idea.

...Huh. I'm pretty sure I've never seen interpretation of Twilight's entry exam... event (for lack of a better word) before. It raises a lot of very interesting possibilities as to her domain. I'd put my money on Knowledge given what we've seen, but something more along the lines of Probability is also possible. It's certainly going to be interesting going forward, that's certain.

I'd also like to add that yours is, I think, the best reformed Discord I've ever read. Like you wrote in your Author's Note, he's very reminiscent of Q in a number of ways. A lot of reformed Discords end up being little more than "Pinkie, but with super powers and even more random"

Is that all?"
"N-no, sir."
"Then you're dismissed."

But he said that's not all!

I love the last paragraph. So silly!:pinkiehappy:
What strange spirit created the platypus? I fear looking into that eldritch mind.

Cadence's birth was one in a trillion

Why is canon always the first casualty? Shame, I actually like Cadence's canon origin story. It fits in universe really well.

I love your writing style. It's funny, witty, eloquent and insightful all rolled into one.

I'd forgotten this was even around. Hopefully the wait won't be as long until the next one.

And very interesting spin on what happened during Twilight's exam. (Only other story I've seen that looked at it had her take Celestia's power but not quite as temporarily and could do with some more chapters too.)

Reformed Discord is a lot of fun. Of course, even before his reformation a lot of writers liked to cast him as a crazy prankster rather than a full villain, but now he's canon. Hope he puts on more appearances in the next season.

And nice to see someone getting the "90% of your brain" concept straight.

Also, Celestia created the platypus. As a prank on Twilight. The fact that she did it several centuries before Twilight was born only goes to show how far she takes her pranks.

I really, really like your Reformed!Discord. Still just enough Eldritch in him to make it clear that "reformed" or not, he will never cease to be the God of Chaos.

3096828 Well it's not like he wrote non-Alicorn Cadance as a unicorn like a ton of people tend to do despite the fact that she used to be a pegasus.

Also, if Discord ever shows up to make the world "more fun and chaotic", I'd tell him the offer is appreciated but not needed. A evidence I would cite the following:
1) The platypus, and note that this is 100% natural.
2) British Palament, which actually has fans that come and watch them govern as entertainment. And it actually somewhat is due to their having only a passing familiarity with the concept of "organized debate".
3) The USA Electoral College. If you don't know how that works, ignorance is bliss.
4) As in 4chan. I'm saving this one as a final fallback due to potential backlash from being TOO chaotic.

Very interesting ideas, I especially like Twilight's eldritch revelations. Very well written as well, all in all a gem of a story. Muchas gracias, da capo, da capo! :pinkiehappy:
And I agree, chaotic good eldritch abominations are the best eldritch abominations.

This is getting interesting. :pinkiehappy:

More awesomeness. Please.

Awesome fic is awesome.

Question, from ch.1:
"Before Luna could respond, Celestia imploded, receding to a point of brilliant sunlight before shooting heavenwards, the ceiling no more an impediment to her than the walls were to her sight."
Does that mean that Celestia has x-ray eyes and sees through walls, or should that be "the windows"?

It's actually more difficult for me to think of fictional scenarios that involve you than those that don't.

That does explain why Applejack has so few eps of her own.

*Grins and applauds* Bravo! Glad to see you're still chugging away on this.

So considering that both Honesty and Laughter have legitimate, to a degree, -mancies dedicated to them, would it be reasonable to assume that the other Elements of Harmony, aside from Magic, and Harmony itself also have a -mancy?
Edit: And that there are Earth Ponies with Rare Sense and Mythic Rare Sense?

Discord + platypi = EPIC WIN.
I really need to find more stories with benign eldritch abominations; I really like that stuff. Frick, I think I'll make a group!

Hm, that fic where Twilight managed to temporarally take over the sun from Celestia during her entrance exam sounds familiar. :pinkiehappy:

Thanks for the plug. I'll have to name one of the residents after you. Perhaps Mr. Breezy's son, Fan. :rainbowlaugh:

4267795
I tend to put a little of myself in my characters, so Discord's taste in fanfiction matching mine should come as little surprise.

Also, any kind of in-story acknowledgment from you would be more flattering than a cartoon steamroller.
Wait, sorry, that's flattening.
Eh, the point stands. :raritywink:

3874233 Along with Moneymancy, Carnymancy, Dirtomancy...

4467948
Equestria is not Erfworld, and no amount of Retconjuration can make it so.

Well, that was delightful. Discord giving Twilight a hug because of her existential dread... Good show.

2187769

I don't know if it's your term or what, but I'm "borrowing" "Realm Ascendant" from now on. It's just so... :twilightsheepish::pinkiehappy::heart: [geekout]

So, this is still not dead, right?

Login or register to comment