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I like things that are spooky or cute. Now with kofi.


There’s no end to the monsters that lurk in the dark.

Ghosts, werewolves, mad scientists, cultists, mutants, zombies, vampires, aliens and more lie in wait in the dark corners of Equestria, terrorizing the night. But the most infamous and dangerous of them all is the legendary witch Twilight Sparkle, with a five hundred million bit bounty on her head.

Seeking fame and fortune, Rainbow Dash sets out to defeat the legendary witch and collect the massive reward. The one thing she wasn't counting on was Twilight being less evil than she expected.

More stories set in this AU can be found here.

Cover art is a work in progress by Abode_WTF

Chapters (63)
Comments ( 2459 )

Ooh, I'm liking this. Just one question. What does 'on the eighth' mean? From context I can see it means crazy but I'm unfamiliar with this expression.

It's an in-universe expression. You'll find out what it means in a couple chapters.

Ahh, thanks for the quick reply and explanation. I was curious if it was one of the new slang terms that I seem to be so behind on.

Even if Dash went back to tell everyone about how to get past Twilight's curse, the dates wouldn't line up again for another long while. I don't see what Twilight is worried about. She has tons of time to come up with a new curse.

I like this story, but it is really hard to see Twilight just turn ponies away instead of helping them.

Is that cover art a reference to Journey of Elaina?

The first curse is destroyed. Once you fulfill the curses condition once it's gone.

She's got reasons for being super isolated. And she isn't too different from how she is in episode 1, just wants to study endlessly.

Comment posted by Jest deleted Aug 12th, 2021

Congrats, you succeeded in amusing me.

"One leaf in the forest can set you free of this curse." Feels like a flawed curse, it's vague and does not say if there is one SPECIFIC leaf that will do or if any old leaf will do. I'm guessing that's either not intentional on your part, or Twilight screwed up the curse and Dash hasn't realized.

Poor Twilight minding her own business, and then some rando shows up, steals her stuff, and breaks her curse. What a horrid night.

What a horrible night to be a witch.

I don't think so. That picture is 7 years old, which I think is older than Journey of Elaina.

The condition is finding one specific leaf somewhere in the forest, yes.

Rainbow Dash attempts to defeat Twilight Sparkle, the most powerful and witch that ever existed. Nearly every other monster waits for her on the way.

get rid of the and between powerful and witch in your short description

This Twilight seems VERY Unhinged. I am going to guess, she a long time ago was Celestia's student, and got sick of her attempts to make her )Twlight) Socliaize and just left.

I get Twilight's motivation, but I was kind of surprised Dash didn't press harder about the zombie plague. She seemed to genuinely recognize that Twilight was negligent rather than malicious, and to care about the suffering the curse caused people, but then she shifted back to just wanting proof she found Twilight.

Is Dash still after the fame or does she just want to get back so she can argue with Twilight some more? She seemed to realize defeating Twilight was not realistic.

This was the reason why that old griffon empire collapsed but Equestria was fine when the whole ‘zombie apocalypse’ thing started.

Ponies didn’t eat meat. Pony zombies also didn’t eat meat.

...huh, that's... huh :applejackunsure:

Th-... i-... cal-... too much anime.

“Oh. Is that how you tell?” Twilight, quickly distracted, put a hoof on her own muzzle. “You’re actually the only female pony besides myself I’ve ever seen so there’s really no basis for me to know the secondary sex characteristics of our species. Interesting.”

... I'm starting to think there are some misunderstandings surrounding Twilight Sparkle :trixieshiftleft:

“Hm?” Twilight thought about that before nodding. “Oh yes! That was the older version of my spellbook. Six volumes. You see back then the thinnest mind fibers I could weave into paper were about ten micrometers, limiting the number of spells to about ten thousand per book. But with reflexive super-radiation, I can get it down to one micrometer increasing the amount to a hundred thousand! Isn’t that impressive?”

Ahh so that's how it is, she created a bunch of spells and wrote them down and then others got a hold of those spells and decided to use them for their own reasons :moustache:

Her other option was trying to break the curse, though no way was her luck good enough to find the right leaf.

If Twilight meant one specific leaf, does that mean she had to personally decided on which leaf she meant?

And (because I'm overthinking all of this) what happens when the leaf falls of the tree and breaks down until it's no longer a leaf? :trixieshiftright:

“But breaking the curse requires you to be here on two separate days simultaneously,” said Twilight. “That’s impossible which is the entire point.”

Lore question: Is it really possible to cast a curse with impossible conditions?

The curse rule is that the harder the condition to break it is, the weaker the effects of the curse are. Making a curse with a dramatic effect is easy if it breaks when someone says your name three times, whereas a more normal witch would struggle to make a noticeable effect with a nearly unbreakable curse condition.

Even for Twilight 'you can't find me' is the most extreme effect she could get out of a paradox curse... and even those are truly impossible.

is she a real witch though? someone fetch a duck! we must test this!

There was no way somepony so guilty could be so innocent.

And yet here we are. I'm loving this version of Twilight. :)

Then another one tried to prove vaccines don’t work by creating a curse that makes vaccines not work, resulting in millions of otherwise preventable deaths.

...okay, that is just straight-up evil.

“Stop that!” Twilight yelled in frustration to her scarecrow. “Why do I always hesitated when I try to hit another pony?! I need to make some sort of neural bypass spell.”

Ooh, could it be that Witch!Twilight actually has a conscience somewhere in there?

Also it should be just "hesitate".

As soon as you leave you will be unable to find me or my home no matter how hard you look. You will be unable to speak my name or tell anypony about me. You’ll be compelled to tell everypony you failed to find me.

Doesn't that last bit qualify as telling ponies about her? At the very least, it'll require using Twilight's name. I can appreciate using paradoxes to enforce the curse, but not when those paradoxes interfere with the actual functionality.

One leaf in the forest can set you free of this curse. If you find the leaf and bring it here the curse will break.

Oh, that part's easy, as long as you assume that Twilight didn't mean a specific leaf. And given the psychosomatic roots of curses, that interpretation is just as valid as what she has in mind. Though bringing it to her is indeed tricky.

In any case... yeah, Twilight has some serious issues. I'm not sure how she was raised if she managed to miss literally all aspects of society. And there's the question of what exactly she's working towards. A shame she wasn't found by, say, Derpy. Then thery might have been able to have a somewhat reasonable conversation. Still, it'll be interesting to see what Dash does going forward.


Doesn't that last bit qualify as telling ponies about her?

Not exactly, she can just say 'no'. The situation she's trying to avoid:

:derpytongue2:Did you find the witch you were looking for?

But everyone does seem to think the leaf thing should be more specific so I'll maybe I'll rephrase things a little, mention there's a specific leaf and make it like 'you can only speak of me when asked and you can only say you failed to find me'.

“Okay, first of all, how can you not tell I’m a girl?!” Dash turned her head to show off her muzzle. “Look at how girlishly flat my muzzle is!”

I mean, a mare's model does have shorter snouts. But stallions have more square, flat muzzles. So I'm not sure if this is Dash admitting to looking like a boy.

I really like how this is going. Great job writing this!

I love how oblivious about society Twilight is. :twilightblush:

Super interesting idea to how curses work, even when I am not sure if Twilight's curse on Dash is intended as a paradox course, and Dash is just too stupid to realize it (which may be her strong point).

And I really love how that talk about all the bad thing there have come of pony'es stealing from Twilight and then Dash proceeds to steal from her.
I am 99% sure that the life-reversing medicine will be used wrong and have bad consequences :pinkiecrazy:

There is a curse that makes it impossible to find her unless it is the night of a blood moon, when it is both Halloween and Friday the 13th.

Why such a convoluted curse?

That's the point. Twilight created the curse to make finding her nearly impossible.

Well, one of the four sources all of the spooky things, anyway.

“Hm?” Twilight thought about that before nodding. “Oh yes! That was the older version of my spellbook. Six volumes. You see back then the thinnest mind fibers I could weave into paper were about ten micrometers, limiting the number of spells to about ten thousand per book. But with reflexive super-radiation, I can get it down to one micrometer increasing the amount to a hundred thousand! Isn’t that impressive?”

Ah, so Twilight has discovered the wonders of EUV Lithography. There's some semiconductor companies that would like to have a word with her...

Everything about this is everything I've ever wanted.

This is more interesting than I initially thought.

Rainbow Dash is now accidentally creating her Harem

Near fatal faithful first meeting with Applejack? Possible furry waifu flag unlocked.
Annoying crash in with an adorkable witch Twilight? Definite Megane Waifu Flag flipped
Now de-agifying an Pysker Obachan Pinkie? Legal-Loli Psyker Pink Waifu flag baked!

Whose NEXT!?

I'm think everypony seriously underestimate Rainbow Dash. We have a rare type of pony who can think out of box! Calendar says you can't broke curse? Just mix two calendars! You can't say anithing about curse? Find somepony who didn't need to be told about it to feel that you are cursed!

I think the ultimate flaw of Dash is not her crazy schemes but her interest in solving problems and forgeting about such nuisances like their outcomes.

Heh, just how many broken curses it takes for Twilight to understand that Rainbow is not her usual thief/adventurer?

“Dang it!” Shouted the murderer. “I knew this was going to happen, too! Why did I come here?!”

Good question :trixieshiftright:

“It’s not? Cause I feel like that’s an incredible excuse.”

To most people it would be, but to the family of the deceased it won't always be the case :trixieshiftleft:

“That’s a little creepy,” said Pinkie. “You’re not a creeper, are you?”

“I’m trying to kill you!”

“So yes?”

Probably :moustache:

“I guess she didn’t stand a ghost of a chance!” Pinkie struck a pose.


“I think we’re good here. Unless they have a third sister or something.”

They do :moustache:

you sir/madam/interdemtional being stop that thought right now and bury it six feet under

Very good job! Congrats on the feature and quick updates.

It's always fun to read a story that spins things on their head so much that the whole thing turns into a spinning top of chaos. I love how non-nonsensical you're taking the idea of curses and magic. Whenever someone tries to give magic concrete rules it just ends up as weird-pseudoscience, and this story avoids that pitfall like a skeleton avoids dog parks.

I hope we get to see all of the Mane 6 meet together and what kind of shenanigans they can get up to.


I just like harem romcoms!

I love this AU! Your pacing is spot-on for a relentlessly entertaining read. Can't wait for what's next 😁

Small deleted scene that was removed for being totally pointless:


A large troll came out of the woods and blocked their way.

“You may not pass this water unless you answer my riddle!” The troll called out to them. “What can you put in a barrel-“

“A hole!” Pinkie answered and kept walking.

“What?!” The troll was stunned for a moment before throwing his claws up in exasperation. “Oh, come on!”

“Sorry, maybe try thinking of a more original riddle?” Pinkie Pie waved him off as she passed, then whispered to Rainbow Dash. “I’ve literally heard every troll riddle. Sphinxes are way better at coming up with riddles.”

“I’m right here!” The troll complained.

But Pinkie was unmoved. All the troll could do was grumble and go back to his hole.

“Wait, wait. A mad scientist?” Dash stopped Pinkie. “Isn’t it illegal to get help from those guys? Or talk to them?”

“Nothing’s illegal if you have a good lawyer!” Pinkie promised. “You can borrow mine if we get caught. Come on!”

A mad scientist and a lawyer? I have a vague idea who those ponies might be. But the upcoming chaos is gonna be big.

That's deeply racist Pinkie, shame on you.

Well, hopefully they won't need the lawyer.

We gotta resort to shenanigans. And on top of that, we gotta resort to non-legit means.

Ok, maybe I'll give this a second chance.

I’m assuming Flutters and Rarity are the scientist and the lawyer, and I honestly don’t know which one I want in each role more. They’d both do well in either.

*Laughs like a wookie* Let's hope the lawyer isn't a shadow that likes to make one-sided contracts and takes souls.


Ah man! Everyone seems to be getting their hopes up for this lawyer!:raritydespair: Maybe I should confess there's no lawyer in the next chapter! There was a critical if in that sentence.

Oh my gods

Pinkie pie and rainbow dash are just mutual enablers!

Quick! Somebody get applejack! We need a straight-mare for this routine!

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