Free Advice from an Actual Villain
Aria Blaze Destroys Anon-A-Miss in Ten Minutes
by Jonathan “KnightMysterio” Spires
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Taco Fiesta…
Closing time…
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Aria threw her apron into the van, and sighed, the light purple-skinned former Siren leaning against the van, staring at her reflection. Behind her, her sisters were coming up to her.
“You coming or not?” Adagio asked, frowning. “We still have practice tonight.” The oldest of the three scowled. “Or don’t you want to regain your ability to sing?”
Aria glared back at her. “We have plenty of time to relearn, ‘Dagi. It’s not like we can do anything without our magic.”
Adagio sneered. “That’s just it. We don’t have time. We’re mortal now. Humans now. We have a hundred years, if we’re lucky, to regain our skill. I don’t give a damn about magic anymore, or power. I just want to sing.”
“So do I, ‘Dagi. But right now, I just need to be alone for a bit,” Aria said. “I’ve had a shit day, and I’m about ready to kill that grabass bastard of a manager.”
“...Fine,” ‘Dagi said, tossing Aria her coat from the back seat. “Just don’t expect me to come get you. I don’t like having my time wasted.”
“Whatever,” Aria said, putting her coat on. And then Sonata startled her, coming up from behind her with a hug.
“You take care, all right?” Sonata said. “Don’t take alleyways and be sure to kick the butt of anyone who goes after you, ‘kay? You may be the worst but you’re still my sister.”
Aria just nodded, smiling weakly, as Sonata hopped up into the seat and began eating from the bag of tacos she had purchased from the restaurant they all worked at. Sonata hummed off-key, clearly having a far better day than her two elder siblings. Adagio and Aria stared at her.
“...Sometimes I envy the simplicity of her world,” Adagio said. “Everything’s okay so long as she has family and tacos...”
“Amen,” Aria said, chuckling. She turned and walked off, zipping up her coat against the winter cold. Adagio got in the van and drove off in the same direction. As Aria walked, she looked around at the Christmas decorations, idly amused by them. She and her sisters had been around for the original version of the holiday, the Winter’s Yule, and seeing it completely overwhelmed for this modern, highly commercial holiday was subtly amusing to her. “Here’s to the conquest of Capitalism,” she said, tipping an imaginary hat to a Santa Claus statue in a window.
As she walked, she passed the library, finding three people she hated sitting on one of the outside tables, planning something on a laptop, taking advantage of the library’s wifi hotspot. She rolled her eyes, and was about to move on, when she overheard.
“...Sunset will regret ever messing with our sisters,” Apple Bloom said.
“Heheh. Yeah,” Scootaloo said, grinning wickedly.
Well now, Aria thought, walking over to the three of them. Plans against Sunnybuns? I gotta hear this. Not even bothering with stealth, she sauntered up to the three of them. When they started to panic, she shook her head. “Relax. I have no magic, I can’t sing, and I stink of taco meat right now. I’m not here to get revenge on you or whatever you’re thinking of.”
“T-Then why are you here?” Sweetie Belle asked, frightened, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom glaring at her.
“I overheard you were planning something against Sunset,” Aria said. “As I have a personal grudge against her, I’m curious. Hell, if its a good enough plan, I might even offer to help”
The three younger girls traded worried looks, whispering among each other for a few moments. Reluctantly, they all nodded. “Okay, so...” Apple Bloom said, “Our families all have Christmas parties, right?”
“I wouldn’t know. My sisters and I prefer the holiday that Christmas overtook,” Aria said. At their confusion, she rolled her eyes and said, “We’ve been here for over a thousand years. We know a lot of stuff from experiencing it. Keep going.”
Apple Bloom grimaced. “Right. And holidays, they’re meant to be spent with family, right?” she said.
“So the obnoxious Christmas carols would suggest. Also, don’t say right at the end of every sentence, it makes me want to hit you,” Aria warned.
The girls all flinched. “Well...” Sweetie Belle said, continuing, “this year, all our sisters and their friends are going to spend Christmas with Sunset instead of us.”
“And that’s not fair!” Apple Bloom said, scowling. “We’ve always been together at Christmas! What has she ever done to deserve it?”
“I mean, Rainbow Dash isn’t exactly my sister,” Scootaloo said, “but ever since she became my mentor we’ve spent the holidays together. Why should that change?”
Aria thought for a moment. “...That’s the motive. What’s your plan?” she asked.
Apple Bloom turned the web page around. “We’re gonna frame Sunset for spreading embarrassing secrets,” she said, grinning wickedly. The web page was a social media profile titled ‘Anon-A-Miss,’ with a silhouette that was clearly meant to be Sunset as the profile image. “I’ve even got an idea for the first trick. There’s this old nickname Applejack had when she was younger, I’mma gonna call her that in front of Sunset then post it to the site.”
Sweetie grinned. “We’re gonna gather up stuff embarrassing stuff that Sunset hears or sees and post it here, making everyone think its her posting them.”
“That’ll chase her away from our sisters,” Scootaloo said, smirking. “Teach her for trying to swipe our families.”
Aria stroked her chin, thinking over the plan. “...Decent plan,” she said. “Just a few problems.”
Apple Bloom frowned. “What problems? The website is clearly meant to be Sunset, and-”
“Exactly,” Aria said. “It’s too damn obvious. It took a magical princess from another world the first time before everyone discovered that Sunset was behind ruining your sisters’ friendships. And yes, we did our research. Even at her bitchiest, Sunset was subtle enough to keep out of the eye of Celestia and Luna until she flat out turned into a demon because of Twilight Sparkle.”
The three friends looked at each other, suddenly realizing she was right. “Oh dang...” Apple Bloom said. “She’s right...”
“Which brings me to problem two,” Aria said. “This plan will only work if your sisters are mentally retarded.”
“HEY!” the three younger girls shouted.
“Think about it,” Aria said. “What motive would Sunset have for turning on the girls like that? She has literally nothing in this world. Her influence network is gone, everyone saw her become a demon… those five and the Princess are the only family she has left, and old Friendship Sparklebutt isn’t even in this world right now. Posting humiliating secrets would take away her last connections she has, her herd.”
Sweetie Belle went wide-eyed. “...No family?” she said softly. She hadn’t considered that. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo were starting to feel uneasy about their plan too.
Aria nodded. “Yeah. The only way they’d actually suspect Sunset is if they were idiots,” she said. She blinked. “...Feels weirdly ironic to say that for some reason.” She shook her head and continued. “Anyway. The idea is sound. I’m even fine with how petty it is. Your execution needs a lot of work, though.”
“Petty!?” Apple Bloom said. “We just wanna spend Christmas with our families!”
“Sunset has no family here, like I said,” Aria said, all three girls flinching. Sweetie Belle was starting to tear up. “You wanna ruin her Chirstmas? Make her feel alone? Take away her herd, which is the worst thing you can do to an Equestrian? Be my guest. Hell, me, ‘Dagi and ‘Nata want power simply for the sake of having power, so I can’t really complain about the petty reasoning for your plan.”
“It’s… We just want...” Scootaloo stammered, struggling to justify their plan.
“It ain’t petty!” Apple Bloom protested feebly.
“Girls. Seriously. On my worst day I want to cut ‘Nata and ‘Dagi’s throats,” Aria said. “And even we just sit down and talk it out. If you seriously got a problem with them spending time with Sunset, you should have just talked to them instead of planning evil revenge. That is SERIOUSLY petty shit.” She looked over the growing distress on the faces of the three as what they were doing finally started to register, and shook her head. “Yeah. You three aren’t cut out for villainy. You’re not considering the consequences of your plan.”
“Consequences?” Apple Bloom asked, confused and more and more frightened.
“Yeah. What’s your endgame here? Let’s say your plan goes off without a hitch, and Sunset’s alone for the holidays. Do you want her to stay alone?” Aria asked.
“I… well, no,” Scootaloo said.
“How can she restore her friendships after you break them by posting those embarrassing secrets?” Aria said. “How will your sisters recover from having their humiliation exposed to the whole school?” This in particular made the girls go wide-eyed with horror. “To say nothing of what would happen if you get caught. Cyber-bullying is very illegal, girls. Imagine what getting criminal records would do to your family’s reputations.” Apple Bloom, to Aria’s amusement, was starting to turn green around the gills, visibly on the verge of throwing up from guilt-induced nausea. “On top of that, let’s say you do manage to get the girls to turn on Sunset. She has literally nothing right now. Alone is the most terrifying word in the Equestrian language, and you want her to be alone on a day where you humans are supposed to come together. I’d bet cash money that she would kill herself.”
“NO!” Sweetie Belle said, tears in her eyes. “We don’t want that!” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo both nodded frantically.
“Then what do you want?” Aria pressed. When none of the girls had an answer, Aria shook her head in disgust. “Pathetic,” she said. “All right. Consider this free advice. A little Christmas present from the warrior of the Sirens Three – Talk to your sisters. Let them know you’re feeling left out. Hell, Sunset herself might invite you along to the Christmas sleepover. Delete that page, and leave villainy to the actual villains.”
The girls stared at each other, tears in their eyes. They really hadn’t considered everything about their plan. They just wanted Christmas with their families, that’s all. They didn’t want Sunset to be hurt that badly… After a long moment, Apple Bloom turned the computer back around. Aria went behind the girls to watch as they deleted the profile, and nodded in satisfaction.
“Good,” she said. “The only thing more pathetic than heroism is good people trying to do evil things badly. Now scram.”
“Thank you,” Apple Bloom said softly. The three shuffled away, and once they got home, would break down crying in guilt over what they almost did. And as it turned out, Aria’s prediction came true. After talking with their sisters, Sunset, unprompted, came up with the idea of having them join the Christmas sleepover party.
As for Aria, once the girls were out of sight, she looked at her watch. “Hmn. Whole thing took ten minutes,” she said. She looked in the direction the girls had gone, her long pigtails blowing in the winter wind. “Y’know, I think I just saved three souls from making the worst mistake of their lives…” she said softly. She brightened, and added, “Plus, I made three little girls cry! Today actually IS a good day!” She smiled, and strutted home, whistling tunelessly.
Merry Christmas to all, and may the year to come be a blessed one.
THE END
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YES!!! THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD HAVE ENDED!!!
NOT FAST ENOUGH!
This was... okay. It felt too on-the-nose, though, and pretty clunky.
For example, your dialogue tags were frequently packed with unnecessary baggage, as seen here:
Sure, in this case, it was just one word. But we already know she's frightened because she's stuttering. A lot of your dialogue tags did that. They repeated information already implied and/or inferred via the dialogue itself. That repetition ultimately makes the story clunky and ruins the flow.
Not bad. I do enjoy a nice "bro, lemme tell you why you're stupid" story.
This was a whole freaking BLAST to read, dude! I was grinning like a maniac WHOLE TIME. Yeah, it's on-the-nose, but compared to a lot of others that are way more on-the-nose than this, it feels so GOOD to see something like this. And before the year ends! I couldn't be happier going into 2020 than to see this. Thanks for the nice read.
10012491
Fair enough. Thank you for the constructive criticism.
Wow. You just called the characters in the non-canon comic "mentally retarded".
...Makes sense; I had always wondered if they had been grabbed by changelings who utterly failed to study beforehand, thus resulting in five characters who betrayed their inner natures. Turns out they're just fucked up in the head.
One too many 'friendship beams', perhaps? Humans were never meant to have magic, after all; who knows what that does to one's brain?
Hopefully no time travel or a certain superheroine every sane individual cannot stand due to her complete lack of compelling character traits and her actress's sexist comments beforehand.
...Seriously, the movie would've been better off without both of these. Much better off.
Really? I thought the most terrifying word was "peeved".
This is the kind of petty evil I live for!
Sigh.
I wish someone would write a reconstruction of this story already.
The whole idea is the CMC... ACT LIKE JEALOUS CHILDREN! They're children, of course they're childish!
They create a rumor mill website, trying to break up Sunset's friendship with their big sisters because they fear being forgotten... and are horrified and dismayed when they LOSE CONTROL of the website and the rumor mongering goes wild with EVERY DAMN STUDENT AT SCHOOL getting in on telling everyone else's dirty little secrets! The CMC were just an excuse and a scapegoat!
Little did she know...sacks of hammers were sharper than their sisters.
10012697
Depends on the country. There have been cases here in Australia where people have gotten jail time.
10012836
Hmm, true. As much as one might want to say EQG is in America its not really confirmed. Equestria (in some parts) is more parallel to America then EQG so far.
Edit: for context my comment had said "its not illegal" but I realize that'd be pretty wrong, even from my american perspective.
10012614
All those thumbs down but the girls are amazingly stupid. I know being a previous manipulative asshole the leash should be tight but its been shown in the specials they've not held back from her at all, so I doubt them turning on her so fast without it just being stupidity.
Well that was entertaining. Aria might act like she doesn't care but she's pretty smart and with a Thousand years of experience as both a villain and a sister, she'd know what she's talking about.
Her breakdown of their plan was also pretty solid, enjoyed how she basically deconstructed every problem with the plan that fans have pointed out, from how petty it is, to how insane it was that anyone, especially her friends would believe her, to the rather negative consequences should the plan be carried out.
Granted I would've also mentioned that Sunset would've either fled to Equestria or the killing herself part since that is an option but that's just me.
Ultimately the main take away is that the CMC should've just talked to their sisters about how they feel instead of using this elaborate scheme. They just needed someone a little older to actually make them consider it since otherwise they were too immature to think of such a thing.
Nice work
How the f@#k did no one right a story like this before? Seriously, there are so many anon-a-miss stories out there, half aren't good but no one thought of the preemptive motion in which a character stops it? I mean there a few stories before it gets out of hand but this is the best one to counteract like a good majority of the stories. It doesn't even have to be the dazzlings. It could be literally any character...
10012737
Like this?
- Equestria Girls
- Mystery
- Sad
- Thriller
The comic retold once more...Aria has better and worse moral values than most, that’s honestly kind of impressive.
10012463
Don't you mean started?
Couldn't help myself.
10012737
see here's the problem with doing it that way: do you have any idea what goes into creating a full-on website? using a social media account as per the comic and original story is more within their means. Unless you plan on having them create their address (which you'd need to purchase a hosting name for, securing your url etc) which seems well /beyond/ their means, would require using a freesource like a blogspot, wordpress, or message board of that nature has its own set of problems chiefly visibility and access. basically the only way to get the people they want /on/ that website would be to talk to them in person, which would quickly give away the whole "hey we /are/ anon-a-miss" thing. Further as they'd be the moderators /of/ said board, they would have total control over who would be allowed on, and have the ability to delete posts made there, so the concept of them "losing control of the rumor mill" is literally nonexistent. Assuming these issues somehow are addressed they've basically gone through like six extra steps to accomplish what simply creating the social media profile of anon-a-miss accomplished in like two
Deck the halls with crying little girls
Fa - la - la - la
Seriously, good fic, Aria thought of many things
10012614
That “peeved” comment reminds me: I’ve been wanting to write a story for a long time about Sunset failing the vocab part of a college standardized test, simply because the correct words were always some form of Equestrian swearing. As an ACT/SAT instructor, I’ve always gotten the feeling that Equestria’s curse words are Earth’s high-level vocab words and vice versa.
10013657
That isn't how MyStable was described me thinks.
10013782
I'd like to see that fanfic, actually! Sounds rather interesting, seeing how A) Sunset copes with Equestrian swears being completely mundane for humans, and B) how the examiners react to Sunset's responses.
I don't know what these are; are they similar to Australia's High School Certificate (HSC), a credential given to students who finish Years 11 and 12, and that helps calculate a student's Australian Tertiary Admission Rank (ATAR) - a score universities use to 'gate off' admission to courses?
10013861
Basically. They’re American college entrance exams.
The idea was also partially inspired by my time as a RP moderator for an all-ages fan site. People would try to use big words when they wanted to swear all the time (one of the best questions I’ve ever been asked was “is belligerent an acceptable substitute for asshole” and I now headcanon that belligerent has that meaning in Equestria.)
You could actually have three separate chapters with each Dazzling solving the whole thing by themselves
Aria is evil yet rational. Ruthless yet pragmatic.
She would make an excellent consultant for other evil villains.
This was the icing on the cake.
Thank you, Aria, for dismantling the worst thing to ever come out of Equestria Girls.
10013908
That's an amazing idea. I would totally write that fic, but I have no experience with writing comedy. (In the sense where the entire fic revolves around it.)
"Please, you're already plotting revenge against a girl who saved you from, well, me. If you weren't already ashamed, I'm not gonna change anything."
To be fair, many Equestrian villains don't. Heck, Adagio might even fall in that camp. What exactly was she going to do with her adoring brainwashed fans once she got them? (I assume Aria had something in mind, or at least trusted that Dagi did.)
Interesting to see Aria identify herself as "the warrior." I have to wonder how the others describe their roles...
In any case, always nice to see a takedown of this comic's premise, especially one this ruthless. Thank you for it.
10012484
Blur from Transformers could do it in seconds. From what I understand, he talks faster than the Flash does when and if he even gets hyper after eating too sugar.
10012491
It was written in an hour on a whim... what do you expect?
On another note am I just unlucky or something? Most of your fics Mysterio I've seen sport the feature box are alternate ending fics to other ideas? Probs just unlucky. Anyway this was too OOC for the sirens. Even if they didn't have magic why would they help the CMC? They're like sisters? That's not enough for me.
Edit:I guess this is just too Meta for me.
Have a nice day.
10016885
Classic Blur. In the Armada series, Blur speaks very slowly.
10160662
Not fitting for someone named Blur.
10167863
At least he's intelligible.
10167870
True
10168938
That sure is.
Coming from Aria, I'd have expected her to hit the note of "if you succeed, this leads to ruining your sisters' celebrations and them staying away from you" well before getting to anything regarding consequences to Sunset. Okay other than that, as she caught them before they got to any of the really stupid stuff.
😇 Thank you Aria, for saving Sunset
The funny thing about this story is Aria's role could be played by literally almost anyone.
This is hilarious.
bahahahahahha