Free Advice from an Actual Villain
Aria Blaze Destroys Anon-A-Miss in Ten Minutes
by Jonathan “KnightMysterio” Spires
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Taco Fiesta…
Closing time…
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Aria threw her apron into the van, and sighed, the light purple-skinned former Siren leaning against the van, staring at her reflection. Behind her, her sisters were coming up to her.
“You coming or not?” Adagio asked, frowning. “We still have practice tonight.” The oldest of the three scowled. “Or don’t you want to regain your ability to sing?”
Aria glared back at her. “We have plenty of time to relearn, ‘Dagi. It’s not like we can do anything without our magic.”
Adagio sneered. “That’s just it. We don’t have time. We’re mortal now. Humans now. We have a hundred years, if we’re lucky, to regain our skill. I don’t give a damn about magic anymore, or power. I just want to sing.”
“So do I, ‘Dagi. But right now, I just need to be alone for a bit,” Aria said. “I’ve had a shit day, and I’m about ready to kill that grabass bastard of a manager.”
“...Fine,” ‘Dagi said, tossing Aria her coat from the back seat. “Just don’t expect me to come get you. I don’t like having my time wasted.”
“Whatever,” Aria said, putting her coat on. And then Sonata startled her, coming up from behind her with a hug.
“You take care, all right?” Sonata said. “Don’t take alleyways and be sure to kick the butt of anyone who goes after you, ‘kay? You may be the worst but you’re still my sister.”
Aria just nodded, smiling weakly, as Sonata hopped up into the seat and began eating from the bag of tacos she had purchased from the restaurant they all worked at. Sonata hummed off-key, clearly having a far better day than her two elder siblings. Adagio and Aria stared at her.
“...Sometimes I envy the simplicity of her world,” Adagio said. “Everything’s okay so long as she has family and tacos...”
“Amen,” Aria said, chuckling. She turned and walked off, zipping up her coat against the winter cold. Adagio got in the van and drove off in the same direction. As Aria walked, she looked around at the Christmas decorations, idly amused by them. She and her sisters had been around for the original version of the holiday, the Winter’s Yule, and seeing it completely overwhelmed for this modern, highly commercial holiday was subtly amusing to her. “Here’s to the conquest of Capitalism,” she said, tipping an imaginary hat to a Santa Claus statue in a window.
As she walked, she passed the library, finding three people she hated sitting on one of the outside tables, planning something on a laptop, taking advantage of the library’s wifi hotspot. She rolled her eyes, and was about to move on, when she overheard.
“...Sunset will regret ever messing with our sisters,” Apple Bloom said.
“Heheh. Yeah,” Scootaloo said, grinning wickedly.
Well now, Aria thought, walking over to the three of them. Plans against Sunnybuns? I gotta hear this. Not even bothering with stealth, she sauntered up to the three of them. When they started to panic, she shook her head. “Relax. I have no magic, I can’t sing, and I stink of taco meat right now. I’m not here to get revenge on you or whatever you’re thinking of.”
“T-Then why are you here?” Sweetie Belle asked, frightened, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom glaring at her.
“I overheard you were planning something against Sunset,” Aria said. “As I have a personal grudge against her, I’m curious. Hell, if its a good enough plan, I might even offer to help”
The three younger girls traded worried looks, whispering among each other for a few moments. Reluctantly, they all nodded. “Okay, so...” Apple Bloom said, “Our families all have Christmas parties, right?”
“I wouldn’t know. My sisters and I prefer the holiday that Christmas overtook,” Aria said. At their confusion, she rolled her eyes and said, “We’ve been here for over a thousand years. We know a lot of stuff from experiencing it. Keep going.”
Apple Bloom grimaced. “Right. And holidays, they’re meant to be spent with family, right?” she said.
“So the obnoxious Christmas carols would suggest. Also, don’t say right at the end of every sentence, it makes me want to hit you,” Aria warned.
The girls all flinched. “Well...” Sweetie Belle said, continuing, “this year, all our sisters and their friends are going to spend Christmas with Sunset instead of us.”
“And that’s not fair!” Apple Bloom said, scowling. “We’ve always been together at Christmas! What has she ever done to deserve it?”
“I mean, Rainbow Dash isn’t exactly my sister,” Scootaloo said, “but ever since she became my mentor we’ve spent the holidays together. Why should that change?”
Aria thought for a moment. “...That’s the motive. What’s your plan?” she asked.
Apple Bloom turned the web page around. “We’re gonna frame Sunset for spreading embarrassing secrets,” she said, grinning wickedly. The web page was a social media profile titled ‘Anon-A-Miss,’ with a silhouette that was clearly meant to be Sunset as the profile image. “I’ve even got an idea for the first trick. There’s this old nickname Applejack had when she was younger, I’mma gonna call her that in front of Sunset then post it to the site.”
Sweetie grinned. “We’re gonna gather up stuff embarrassing stuff that Sunset hears or sees and post it here, making everyone think its her posting them.”
“That’ll chase her away from our sisters,” Scootaloo said, smirking. “Teach her for trying to swipe our families.”
Aria stroked her chin, thinking over the plan. “...Decent plan,” she said. “Just a few problems.”
Apple Bloom frowned. “What problems? The website is clearly meant to be Sunset, and-”
“Exactly,” Aria said. “It’s too damn obvious. It took a magical princess from another world the first time before everyone discovered that Sunset was behind ruining your sisters’ friendships. And yes, we did our research. Even at her bitchiest, Sunset was subtle enough to keep out of the eye of Celestia and Luna until she flat out turned into a demon because of Twilight Sparkle.”
The three friends looked at each other, suddenly realizing she was right. “Oh dang...” Apple Bloom said. “She’s right...”
“Which brings me to problem two,” Aria said. “This plan will only work if your sisters are mentally retarded.”
“HEY!” the three younger girls shouted.
“Think about it,” Aria said. “What motive would Sunset have for turning on the girls like that? She has literally nothing in this world. Her influence network is gone, everyone saw her become a demon… those five and the Princess are the only family she has left, and old Friendship Sparklebutt isn’t even in this world right now. Posting humiliating secrets would take away her last connections she has, her herd.”
Sweetie Belle went wide-eyed. “...No family?” she said softly. She hadn’t considered that. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo were starting to feel uneasy about their plan too.
Aria nodded. “Yeah. The only way they’d actually suspect Sunset is if they were idiots,” she said. She blinked. “...Feels weirdly ironic to say that for some reason.” She shook her head and continued. “Anyway. The idea is sound. I’m even fine with how petty it is. Your execution needs a lot of work, though.”
“Petty!?” Apple Bloom said. “We just wanna spend Christmas with our families!”
“Sunset has no family here, like I said,” Aria said, all three girls flinching. Sweetie Belle was starting to tear up. “You wanna ruin her Chirstmas? Make her feel alone? Take away her herd, which is the worst thing you can do to an Equestrian? Be my guest. Hell, me, ‘Dagi and ‘Nata want power simply for the sake of having power, so I can’t really complain about the petty reasoning for your plan.”
“It’s… We just want...” Scootaloo stammered, struggling to justify their plan.
“It ain’t petty!” Apple Bloom protested feebly.
“Girls. Seriously. On my worst day I want to cut ‘Nata and ‘Dagi’s throats,” Aria said. “And even we just sit down and talk it out. If you seriously got a problem with them spending time with Sunset, you should have just talked to them instead of planning evil revenge. That is SERIOUSLY petty shit.” She looked over the growing distress on the faces of the three as what they were doing finally started to register, and shook her head. “Yeah. You three aren’t cut out for villainy. You’re not considering the consequences of your plan.”
“Consequences?” Apple Bloom asked, confused and more and more frightened.
“Yeah. What’s your endgame here? Let’s say your plan goes off without a hitch, and Sunset’s alone for the holidays. Do you want her to stay alone?” Aria asked.
“I… well, no,” Scootaloo said.
“How can she restore her friendships after you break them by posting those embarrassing secrets?” Aria said. “How will your sisters recover from having their humiliation exposed to the whole school?” This in particular made the girls go wide-eyed with horror. “To say nothing of what would happen if you get caught. Cyber-bullying is very illegal, girls. Imagine what getting criminal records would do to your family’s reputations.” Apple Bloom, to Aria’s amusement, was starting to turn green around the gills, visibly on the verge of throwing up from guilt-induced nausea. “On top of that, let’s say you do manage to get the girls to turn on Sunset. She has literally nothing right now. Alone is the most terrifying word in the Equestrian language, and you want her to be alone on a day where you humans are supposed to come together. I’d bet cash money that she would kill herself.”
“NO!” Sweetie Belle said, tears in her eyes. “We don’t want that!” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo both nodded frantically.
“Then what do you want?” Aria pressed. When none of the girls had an answer, Aria shook her head in disgust. “Pathetic,” she said. “All right. Consider this free advice. A little Christmas present from the warrior of the Sirens Three – Talk to your sisters. Let them know you’re feeling left out. Hell, Sunset herself might invite you along to the Christmas sleepover. Delete that page, and leave villainy to the actual villains.”
The girls stared at each other, tears in their eyes. They really hadn’t considered everything about their plan. They just wanted Christmas with their families, that’s all. They didn’t want Sunset to be hurt that badly… After a long moment, Apple Bloom turned the computer back around. Aria went behind the girls to watch as they deleted the profile, and nodded in satisfaction.
“Good,” she said. “The only thing more pathetic than heroism is good people trying to do evil things badly. Now scram.”
“Thank you,” Apple Bloom said softly. The three shuffled away, and once they got home, would break down crying in guilt over what they almost did. And as it turned out, Aria’s prediction came true. After talking with their sisters, Sunset, unprompted, came up with the idea of having them join the Christmas sleepover party.
As for Aria, once the girls were out of sight, she looked at her watch. “Hmn. Whole thing took ten minutes,” she said. She looked in the direction the girls had gone, her long pigtails blowing in the winter wind. “Y’know, I think I just saved three souls from making the worst mistake of their lives…” she said softly. She brightened, and added, “Plus, I made three little girls cry! Today actually IS a good day!” She smiled, and strutted home, whistling tunelessly.
Merry Christmas to all, and may the year to come be a blessed one.
THE END