Why does nobody ever listen to Twilight Sparkle.
Twilight Sparkle sat in a very rare position today. She was used to attending meetings at the conference table in the Royal Palace in Canterlot, but sitting at the head of the table was a new and novel experience for her.
Or, it would be, if she wasn't just a little absolutely livid. She stared at the table at large, currently surrounded by a group of pony royalty that, up until a few hours ago, she was convinced knew better, a stern expression on her face that showed great promise in her ability to get ponies to shut the hell up in her presence should she ever assume a position of authority over more than a handful of crazy mares.
"Spike," she said quietly. The little dragon sitting to her right jumped about a foot, having been wrapped up in the air of tension in the room. "Take a letter, please."
"A-absolutely," he stammered, quietly happy to be involved in a way that didn't make Twilight turn her glare on him.
The rest of the ponies in attendance, however, seemed to be sporting expressions akin to a slow-motion flinch.
"DEAR. KING. OBERON," she started, loudly and slowly.
There was a lot of wincing involved as Spike started scribbling.
"My name is Princess Twilight Sparkle. I apologize for not attending your summons to open introductions between our countries. This is only the first of many apologies included in this letter, which I hope you do not dismiss out of anger. While I would certainly understand your predilection to do so, I implore you to continue reading. First, I believe some semblance of explanation is called for in regards to the... less than courteous manner in which our delegation addressed your court.
"As you might have noticed, Equestria and Avalope have had little to no relation whatsoever in the last several thousand years. A large part of this is a fault in Equestrian culture. You see, over the last several centuries any stories of travelers from your kingdom to ours have been treated as, for lack of a better term, 'fairy tales' (which I also apologize for), as your magic and culture is so absolutely different from ours as to be seen as impossible by Equestrian scholars. Up until very, very recently, your kingdom was seen as a flight of fancy, a fictional world perpetuated by popular literature and the seeming lack of interest from our academic circles to pursue the possibility that the tales of your lands were anything more than 'childish fancy'.
"This unfortunately led to the first of what I have been assured are multiple incidents involving our... lack of diplomatic experience with the Seelie Court. Namely, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza's ignorance to the fact that Seelie Guards, most noted for their astounding hearing, are extremely sensitive to any sound with a pitch above 5000 hertz, and thus a poor response to meeting one for the first time, especially considering the close proximity with which a Seelie guard can approach undetected, is not 'to scream as loud as possible' and address said guard as 'an itty bitty cutie-wootie'. Please deliver my heartfelt apologies to your forward guard, and I do hope his ear stops bleeding soon." Twilight took a moment to clear her throat and take a sip of water, all the while maintaining eye contact with Princess Cadence, which she had established and left unbroken since having said her name.
The Princess of Love would have been doing a fantastic job of imitating the crystal statue of herself in front of her castle, were it not for the shaking.
"I am relieved to hear that no... one else was injured afterwards, save for the multitude of tiny spears that were, I am assured, expertly delivered to Princess Cadenza's flanks and wings." Still maintaining line of sight, Twilight allowed a small smirk to cross her lips as she imagined the extreme discomfort her sister-in-law must be in to sit in a tall-backed chair with over a hundred very tiny holes in her rear. She then turned her attention to another member of Royalty.
"Second, I would like to address the manner in which our Royal delegation handled your standard practice of shrinking any who step foot on your land to be of comparable size to your populace, as to ease communications and physical interaction between your citizens and outsiders. As this is also a custom we are familiar with in engaging the Breezy population, myself having done so on one occasion, I was rather disturbed to hear that one of our delegates, however less academically inclined he may be," she paused as she turned her glare on her brother, who was rather unused to the anger currently radiating off his younger sibling, "Considered this an 'attempt to assail the Royal family' and proceeded to challenge the magister responsible for casting the spell to a duel. I do hope you accept the thorough defeat he endured to be punishment enough for his outlandish behavior. I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO APOLOGIZE," she added sternly, as Shining raised a hoof to protest, "FOR THE MANNER IN WHICH SAID DUEL WAS INCITED. Our STANDARD CUSTOMS are, I am assured, similar to yours, in that the two contenders are taken to a neutral ground, given up to one half hour of time (as measured by the receiving Champion) to prepare, and begin their contest on a standard five-count. NOT LUNGING AT THE OPPONENT WITH A SWORD IN HOOF AND YELLING HAVE AT THEE, VILE TINY THING. I would ask that you take into consideration that the offender, one SHINING. ARMOR," she growled, and her brother seemed to shrink with each word, "Is the mate of the previously listed offender, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, and thus his mental state had been affected by the manner in which her trespass was addressed."
Shining grumbled something about 'cheating fairy wizards' and tried to rub the spot on his coat where the fur had not started to grow back, only to kick the chair out from under himself and fall chin-first into the table, then the floor, where he laid still for a few seconds and groaned in pain.
"In addition, I would like to inquire whether or not the effects of the spell currently trading his left motor functions for his right, and vice versa, are permanent. Also, if you have a copy of that spell that is usable by unicorn means."
Again, Sparkle took a drink of water, rolled her neck, and turned to the next target on her list. "Thirdly, to the matter of the drastic differences in Equestrian and Seelie courtship rituals. As our delegates are now aware, Seelie courtship is much faster, and lasts much, much longer than our own courtship rituals. I am unsure if you are aware, but our... mating culture is one of prolonged courtship done in stages. There is a sort of... grace period in which a pony determines their compatibility with a potential mate. This is due to most ponies typically short lifespans compared to beings such as Faerie and Alicorns. While I am very aware that we share similarly prolonged lifetimes, bordering on immortality, Equestrian Royalty treats their mating rituals much the same as their subject, so as not to alienate themselves from their kingdom. We are not, in fact, used to a culture that treats any mutual attraction and proposition to," and here she stopped dictating long enough to bore her gaze into Princess Luna, who seemed bound and determined to hold her ground, "And I believe I am quoting here, 'Go somewhere private and see if everything is to scale.' While I am sure that our esteemed Princess Luna was genuinely attracted to the faerie she was addressing, I am also confident in the fact that our lack of knowledge of your culture led to the incorrect assumption that a distinct lack of clothes implied sexual proclivity, as it does here. As Princess Luna is now aware, only the highest-ranking of Faerie nobles are permitted to walk around in anything less than full garb, and complete nudity is reserved for yourself, King Oberon, and YOUR WIFE, QUEEN TITANIA, as such lack of attire is a display of your closeness and eternal ties to Nature, and NOT A STATEMENT ON SEXUALITY." This is where Princess Luna failed in maintaining her composure, and began staring at the ground.
"I would also like to point out that polyamory is not the societal norm in Equestria, and thus the Lady of the Summer Court's... positive reception to our own Princess's advances was initially perceived as an indicator that Lady Titania herself was without a mate. Fortunately, the extended lifespan of an Alicorn should grant Princess Luna ample means to fulfill the century-long marriage contract she engaged in when she SLEPT. WITH YOUR WIFE."
"Finally, I believe it is necessary to address the... conversation you had with our own Princess Celestia," who seemed to be much more interested in the ceiling than anything going on, or being said, around her, "About her presumed authority over certain aspects of your court, given her duties to raise and set the sun. As many scholars of fairie 'lore' would have been happy to inform her HAD ANY OF THEM BEEN THERE, the Fairie court is directly responsible for the progression of the sun around the OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET, assuring that it falls into position for her to raise the Sun each morning. We would ask kindly that the Fairie Court resume its noble task of continuing the progression of the Sun, as we have not seen it for a week."
Princess Celestia coughed lightly, refusing to meet the many stares being leveled at her.
"In conclusion, should you accept our deepest apologies, I would very much like to address you in pony, as your culture fascinates me, and I believe the opportunity for each of our respective scholarly communities to exchange information is a potential as of yet untapped. Enclosed I have sent a gift of precious metals, local herbs and spices, and as requested, a collection of photographs of Shining Armor attempting to walk normally, a reward claimed by rights of your victorious champion. Please send him, and Lady Titania, my highest regards, and inform Your Lady of the Summer that Princess Luna shall arrive in three days time to spend her first customary alternate week with her new wife."
"Respectfully and Apologetically,
Princess Twilight Sparkle."
Twilight nodded to her assistant, who rolled up the rather long scroll, stamped it appropriately, and handed it to Twilight. As Spike had no magical link to the Seelie Court, she was required to send it herself.
It was several moments before anyone spoke. "Princess Twilight," Luna said quietly.
Sparkle took a deep breath and hissed, "Yeeesssssss?"
"Surely you must know of some way to cancel such an... obligation as to be married to the Queen of the Faeries for a century?" she pleaded.
"Oh, I do."
Luna looked up excitedly. "Wonderful, please, do tell!"
Twilight turned to walk away. "Oh, I'll let you know. In time."
Luna grimaced. "Umm... how... much time?"
"About 99 years," Twilight answered, as she closed the door behind her.
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8784064
When I started it I wasn't sure if I was gonna need that or not. Will fix.
Yeah, Twilight’s pissed that she doesn’t get to do fun adventures anymore.
(From the prequel)
I can't put my hoof on it, but I think Twilight's opinion of Celestia has ever so slightly changed since then...
Oh yes, now she knows that Celestia only moves half of the sun. That's probably it.
What, Twily didn't want to go this time?
But honestly, this is golden. Will there be a third installment? Please say yes
8784089
I think you mean that she only moves the sun halfway.
Unfortunately, the massive plot hole of why everyone was to f***ing stupid to ask Twilight to go with them is left unsaid. Again.
If they had thought to ask, and she ended up saying no, then yeah, I can get that. But this feels like they're saying "F**k you Twilight and your title. You don't deserve even that courtasy."
So. Yeah.
8784180
Far more likely they were trying to prove that they can be just as good at befriending nonpony creatures as Twilight.
Seriously, many of the problems that Equestrian royalty faces all seem to begin with, “Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time!”
And end with, “Don’t tell Twilight Sparkle!”
This was good. Not quite as good as the prequel maybe, but still very good. I do love me some faeries now and then.
So once again, the arrogance of Canterlot unicorns screws somepony over. Can’t say I’m surprised.
If you ever write a third installment of this, I will definitely read it.
you know for a world that prides itself on friendship and harmony these royals seem to be quite bad at facing their own mistakes and apologizing for themselves if Twilight has to fucking do it for them
for god's sake just send Twilight you inept ingrates
Well. That gave me a laugh. I can see Princess Luna doing that, honestly.
As far as the fae courts go, the Seelie court with Queen Titania and her "Husband", Prince Oberon, are the Court of Day. If they were the Court of Night, it would be the Unseelie Court. Prounced, if I'm remembering correctly, Yoon-sea-lie. However, a it was the Seelie Court, it is in fact the Court of Day. As far as the marriage of Titania to Luna, that is believable. I "studied" the fae for a long time. Read about them, looked up all kinds of info. The fae are, as a species, promiscuous. They are also Matriarchal. Titania is the Queen, Oberon is little more than a prince and her consort, not her husband. I personally am of the opinion that the Fae Queens, Titania and her sister Aeval, are Lesbian Bisexual. They love women, but they will marry men and have children for the good of the Court.
So a Fairy TaIl reference. Has to be.
“Was that you, string bean!? You skinny-ass looking mother
er? What!? What!? What!? What!?”
8784209
Good point. And this proved, that they suck at it. How Equestria has survived this long if this is how they handle it I'll never understand.
8784305
Um... No. Try the classical depiction of Queen Titania from Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream. I don't even watch Fairy Tail.
8784330
Ah... Well, in Fairy Tail there's a character called Titania Erza, the Fairy Queen. My bad.
Twilight's just sexually frustrated that she can never get some even Spike can get some more than her on a daily basis.
8784308
A long, long string of ponies just like Twilight Sparkle, minus the alicornitis.
Dis was highly amusing.
Pissed Twilight is da best.
King Oberon and Queen Titania.....
.....Oberon....
...Titania.....
........
Do you play Warframe?
8784445
I do so I get where you're coming from, but those are actually the names that older cultures had for the King and Queen of the Fae People. I think it was Shakespeare who coined Oberon. Not sure about Titania.
You write one of the best pissed-off Twilights I have ever read. This exchange is golden!
8784483
Titania is also from A Midsummer Night's Dream.
Edit: And some brief research shows that while Shakespeare may have invented the name "Titania" (I don't know for sure), the name of Oberon is older. Shakespeare definitely inspired the vast majority of depictions of these characters, however.
Reading through these comments I'm honestly a bit surprised at how many people don't know Oberon and Titania from Shakespeare. Oh well. Young people, I guess.
So, do you mean to imply 90% of ponies are DTF, like, all the time?
This took a moment and a couple re-reads to parse. It makes sense in context of usage, but I think "face-to-face" or even "directly" may be less confusion a turn of phrase.
If the Seelie Court handles half the sun, or... "the sun at night", then how was Twilight handling things when she was in charge of the day/night while hiding from Tirek?
8784569
That only lasted like, half a day, if at most. What you should be asking is how fucking pissed off the Seelie were at the Storm King for his bullshittery.
poor twilight so abused
I just read both of these stories. My only complaint is that I would have liked to see more of the fallout.
Great job.
Good story.
8784308
Tia: You WILL bow down the might that is Equestria or you WILL be glazed by solar radiation!
8784483
Ah, I see. Even so, now that I look at it from a Shakesperian POV, it makes a lot more sense.... Very clever, though.
What? How? Ponies don't wear clothes most of the time.
8784928
Big Royal events (Such as the Gala) All the ponies wear dresses and suits. When Discord vacuumed Rarity's dress off she tried to cover herself as it was seen "Indecent". As such, seeing as the King and Queen of the Faeries wear next to no clothes, this can be seen as those with less clothes are closer together in bonds as addressed in the fic above.
8784330
When I heard the word "fae", I immediately think "Dresden Files", "Discworld" and "Changeling the Lost", alongside "Oh, crap!" and " Where can I find cold iron at this hour?"
While this is extremely funny, I think it lacked the punch that the previous one-shot did, likely because of the fact the story ended with a better punchline than this one, though this one’s was funny too. I love that you managed to do another one of these and hope there may be another one in the future.
I'm also hoping for another and that it's Twilight on the receiving end.
But she just sits there with a smile and it ends something like. "Are you happy with yourself?" "Yep!"
8784337
Yeah, Hiro Mashima chose an appropriate name for the "queen" of Fairy Tale.
8785097
There's actually some debate that the term "cold iron" may actually be a mistranslation of the term "North Iron"- meaning magnets. So, go any buy a couple of those supermagnets, I guess.
Going to have to echo 8784928's surprise. I guess Ponyville really is the friendliest town in all of Equestria...
Aside from that, a delightful comedy of errors, as befits a Shakespearean fae realm. Though I'd expect the royals to know enough to bring somepony who actually knew something about the other culture.
(Also, a week seems like an awful long time for both sides of the planet to be tidally locked.)
Wonderful! I hope you'll be writing more of this!
And, as with the predecessor, right into the favorites!
That was beautifully written. I love Twi's anger.
Have you DBZ: Abridged today?
I'm hope this story and it's predecessor leads to a story where twilight ends up going "fuck this shit I'm out" and ends up conquering Equestria to save it from itself and trying to figure out why ponykind in general are idiots. I'm hoping you throw Tempest Shadow, Spike, Grubber, and Stygian into the mix as they team up to defeat an ancient nemesis responsible for making pony kind a bunch of stupid idiots so they could rule over them by using the Alicorn's raw power and the fact that they were smarter than anything alive at the time to domesticate the world of so called animals.
This threat goes by many names, Faust, Epona, Harmonia, but the one name that matters is it's true name...Megan Williams.
8785280 I have an interesting supposition for 'cold iron'... that it is iron that was never smelted, but occurred naturally... meaning it was METEORIC IRON, which is an alloy with nickel... and is pretty much straight from the core of an exploding supernova, into a protoplanet, which was then smashed to bits.
One could suppose that such 'star metal' (as Conan, the Adventurer called it) might possess rather potent properties giving the circumstances of its creation and floating about untouched by life or oxidation, bombarded by cosmic radiation for eons.
8785280
Yeah, he did.
*Cackles.* I kinda want to see what happens when Twilight goes to visit them! Or the drinks that they all have while she's away :'D
The moment Twilight mentioned King Oberon, I was sold. I love everything faerie, and while I can't claim to be an expert on those spirits of the Other World, I'm always thrilled to hear about them. A pony/faerie crossover... what could be better?
8784360
Of course now I'm hoping that King Oberon and Queen Titania, since Twilight was not there, would be more open to opening diplomatic relations with Princess Twilight Sparkle.
But nopony else. Would be a perfect follow up.
This was funny would love too see a story about how that all happened or of the aftermath of this story
All I can say about this are two things! 1) They got off lucky that it was the Seelie court and not the Unseelie court! And 2) I love it! Especially how chastised them like children and in regards to her punishment against Luna!
8784445
Do you read Shakespeare?