• Member Since 25th May, 2016
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago


"Show my head to the people, it is worth seeing." - Georges Danton


Princess Twilight Sparkle has recently returned from a diplomatic mission to Gryphonstone. While she has gone beyond the borders of Equestria many times in the past, this is her first official state visit as a princess.

As a way of celebrating her success Princess Celestia hosts a tea party, during which the other monarchs of Equestria share stories about diplomatic blunders. These include Cadance's bout with Saddle Arabian purity laws, Luna's near beheading, and Celestia's ordeal with limes.

Cover Art is done by Baron-Engel.

Edited by Tempus.

Written for Aragon's Comedy (Is Serious Business) Contest under the prompt, we learned something political.

Sex tag is for sexual language/references and not actual sex, death tag is for mentions of death, and dark tag is because it does get a lil dark here and there.

Now with a Russian Translation!

Oh hey, this fic got featured on Episode 210 of Pony 411. That's kinda super cool.

"That said, Luna's story is hysterical, and there's some great sexual and relationship comedy in here. Worth it, on the whole." - PresentPerfect, Recommended for Laughs, Febuary 28th

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 79 )

This is the kind of black comedy I love to read about.:trollestia:

I wish I could see Twi and Caddy's faces when the skeletons were shown, heh!:rainbowlaugh:

For that, I give a thumbs-up and a fav to you, kind sir.:moustache:

This is absolutely amazing.

Absolutely wonderful, a tantalizing look into the world of high stakes pony politics. Now would be greatly appreciated :pinkiehappy:

The image I see here is by my roommate Baron Engel, but the “source” button goes to a completely different artwork. :rainbowhuh:

Yes very interesting since I am the original artist of the work . Here's the correct link to the posting associated with this art on DA. https://baron-engel.deviantart.com/art/Bloody-Diplomacy-657351212

Glad I could fill your niche. Thank you very much for the thumbs up and fave.

Thank you so much glad you enjoyed it. I love your avatar.

While this doesn't have any sequels in the works may I turn your attention to another of my fics. Partisanship isn't a comedy but it deals with pony politics.


I'm so sorry about this.

I originally had another piece of cover art in mind but decided not to use it when I found yours. I attempted to find the link to this piece but when I clicked it on google images it sent me to another person's DA page?


I must have left the old link behind. I've fixed it now.

If you'd like me not to use your art I will happily remove the cover art. If you'll allow me to continue using it, I'll credit you anyway you'd like.

Yet again I am so sorry.

HA! I can imagine the looks on their faces when Celestia mentioned the Hemlock. Potent poison that. No pony ask how I know this. :moustache:

Terribly uneven. It's like 4 different stories were written and then merged together.

That said those 4 stories are good

This promises to be good.

Luna chuckled. “Nice, I’m a deity in four religions now.”

TBF, there's always gonna be a deity of the night, like how all religions have a deity of the sun.

40-ish degrees

Wow, I actually think this is one of the first times I've seen Celsius (or even a number of degrees) for temperature. (this is 104 °F BTW)

and forcefully removed me from between her sheets.”


Is everypony free next month? Same time, same place?”

TOO LATE. I demand a sequel!
You seem to have a habit of splitting up your sentences. Weird.

and as such Celestia had gone

and as such, Celestia

completely eluded Celestia. Though she

completely eluded Celestia, though she

the afternoon. So, the bourbon

the afternoon, so the bourbon

Twilight. Both of whom

Twilight, both of whom

bauxite and sulfur which my

bauxite and sulfur, which my

economy. At least

economy, at least

was a couple crimes

was a couple of crimes

those genius at Fillysbury

those geniuses at Fillysbury

As luck would have it the Emir was

have it, the Emir

So, I landed with a thud right in front of him, still in the buff.

So I landed with a thud right in front of him, still in the buff." (First comma and ending quotation mark)

pinning me to the ground.

thank you very much.

The king was very torn up over it.

Ending quotation mark



deep shit. Which made what

shit, which

kingdom’s diplomat. No matter

diplomat, no matter

we do not touch their’s.


remember much of it but according to some

remember much of it, but according to some

had for me, completely sour.

had for me completely sour.

of equipment. I was

of equipment, I was

under a single crown

Celestia+Luna makes a diarchy y'know. That's two crowns.

reasoning was simple though deplorable

simple, though

these disgusting reciprocals for filth

receptacles :rainbowlaugh: probably the funniest typo I've seen in a long time

avocado and tomato spread seasoned with the limes

avocado and tomato spread seasoned with the limes

After all I was a foreigner,

After all, I was a foreigner

By the time this had elapsed pretty much

By the time this had elapsed, pretty much

you have only causes duress


seen the look on your faces,


mention that, that evidence had

Delete comma

Thank you.

You're just a fan of herbology is all :)

Ummmmm thank you...I think?!

Whoa. Thank you, I took a couple of your suggestions and patched up some of my mistakes.

under a single crown

Celestia+Luna makes a diarchy y'know. That's two crowns.

I am using crown as the legal entity. The Crown is the monarchist equivalent of the state.
So think of it as "... living in harmony under a single state/nation/crown".

Quit making them gay

You're violating my NAP.

Now this was a fantastic story. I love how morally ambiguous and therefore realistic you've made these three. They're flawed, complex characters and that makes them interesting.

Can't really vivisect a corpse.


I feel like this would have benefited from a good trimming. There's a few chunks of straight exposition sprinkled throughout the fic that add little to the overall plot(s) and don't really accomplish anything, and they make the piece as a whole harder to get through.

"Wait, what?"

It strikes me that this may be the least funny pair of words in the English language. At the very least, they add nothing to a joke.

The hemlock bit got a laugh out of me, though. Good job on that, and best of luck in the judging.

Who cares about what gender they are into? Love is love and Candace will most likely have an lection to you if you disagree

It's a distinct trend on this site to make every single princess bisexual or a lesbian. I generally don't care as long as the story is good, but in a story sense when looking at MLP fanfiction as a whole it is rather dull to see yet another story making these characters bisexual or lesbians.

It's nowhere near enough to ruin or even disrupt my enjoyment of the story, but this trend is so omnipresent that it's rarer to see depictions of the princesses or really any central female character as heterosexual.

Considering that there are barely any male characters to ship them with, in that show, that's not very surprising.


When it's Celestia or Luna, I kind of see it as a side-effect of their effective agelessness and apparent eternal youth. Live long enough in a position where you're likely to meet or run into nearly every pony of outstanding attractiveness in the kingdom, and eventually boredom, curiosity, and having done everything else catches up with you.

Cadance gets portrayed as a love-including-sex-goddess often enough that it's not surprising to see her presented as an expert and personal experiencer of nearly everything emotionally and physically possible.

Twilight's far enough removed from physicality even in canon that it's not unexpected she might be rendered as somepony who sees any kind of relation through the lens of intellect and research - if she tries out one kind, she may well try out others purely as control groups or data-gathering exercises.

So I don't know if it's specifically an alicorn thing or a Princess thing - it may just be a result of either (a) age, or (b) the demesne or personality of the individual. It seems quite possible to have the four existing adult Princesses be effectively bisexual for their own reasons, while not necessarily having that apply automatically to Princesses/alicorns as a rule.

...I'm overthinking this, aren't I?

Oh well high queen Fluttershy could always put her hoof down.

If I am given written credit in the text description for the story that will be adequate for me. Even better would be a link to my DA page https://baron-engel.deviantart.com/

I try my best. I really pride myself on my characters and it's always nice to hear someone say nice things about them.

Look...when you're mad you say some things.

I'll keep it in mind. Glad you enjoyed the hemlock joke.

NAP - Non-Aggression Principle. It's a libertarian maymay. I used it because I clicked on their blog and noticed that they were in several conservative brony groups.

Done and done. Thank you very much. Yet again, I am so sorry about this.

8684983 I think that's kind of the point of portraying a truly raging (or idiotic) person...they tend to say things that don't make sense like: Wow, there's a 30% of a millisecond delay before my input comes out.

Threatening to vivisect a corpse would definitely fall under such categories of angrish in my book.

Im a little torn on this story. Luna's and Cadance's parts were hilarious, but Celestia's really wasn't. It was still interesting, but felt more tragedy than dark comedy.

Luna chuckled. “Nice, I’m a deity in four religions now.”

Hmm. There's a thought: "Alright, fillies, the rules are simple. Whoever gets recognized as a goddess in the most religions wins. You have a century. Go!"

In any case, this was quite amusing, aside from when Celestia deliberately brought the mood down. The moments where it cuts to Tia's train of thought led to clunky pacing, but overall it was a lot of fun. Thank you for it, and best of luck in the judging.

The Luna and Cadence bits were hilarious.

The mood absolutely dive-bombed at the Celestia bit though.


Challenge accepted! *creates undead, THEN vivisects!* VICTORY IS MINE!! *the undead escape and WWZ happens* Uhm... it's clear the blame rests solely upon you!

too be fair if luna is the warrior then she does know what it's like to have blood on her hooves, honestly this celestia is far too judgmental of luna and only fortunate that cadence and twilight are too fond of her to call her out on it.

"Vivisecting" by definition involves a living creature. Love the story!! <3

It might have been a competition at one point but after a thousand years on the moon Luna has a tiny bit of catching up to do. (Celestia is mentioned in 261 religious texts.)

I'm really happy to hear that you enjoyed the fic and thank your for the critique. Personally, I've been experimenting with third person limited recently and I don't always get it right.

World War Zed the movie or the book?

No one could possibly rule a nation for over a thousand years without having caused a LOT of deaths one way or the other.

Death and levity in one chapter. Good job, this was far more amusing than I thought it would be! :rainbowlaugh:

8686821 Clearly the movie. It's easier. Less words. :derpytongue2:

One thing naturally led into another and well… I ended up bedding her.”

I always find it amazing ponies manage to procreate enough to maintain their species, what with 99.9% of them being homosexual, if fanfics are to be believed.


8687408 Haplodiploidy. Unfertilised eggs develop into female lesbians (thus perpetuating the ratio), fertilised ones into hetero fe/males? That way, only a tiny percentage of the population is diploid and fertile at any given time. It's the only explanation! :pinkiecrazy:

Why? Celestia, Luna, Cadance, and now Twilight are basically immortal. Falling in love with a stallion, who is not an Alicorn and there for basically immortal, would just mean they'd have at most 30 good years with them before their loved one died or left them because they just weren't aging. How would you feel if the woman you were in love with wasn't aging, at all, while you yourself was growing old and wrinkled. How would you think she felt?

I would love her none the less

8687445 This would be unheard of in a mammalian system! I would have to perform EXPERIMENTS upon them to find out how this works! :pinkiecrazy:

I quite enjoyed this, made me giggle

Time when diplomatic immunity were needed? Sure, okay. It's Equestria, it can't be that ba-


Huh. The more you know.

Luna's story is by far my favorite, mostly because drunken escapades are awesome.

Now we need of a story of Twilight getting up to some drunken shenanigans,


Keep your sociopolitical biases out of our fandom and community, please. You don't get to tell authors how to sexually orient the characters they write. I didn't think there was anyone left who didn't understand that basic concept. You can offer suggestions on the story based on any perceived issues damaging the story, not on your personal dislikes - because literally no one cares about that and it's not helping anybody except to show them that you're trying to force them to not trigger you - quite like another political group you should be familiar with.

Also, the only character here that could even be considered gay might be Luna given that her only two relationships mentioned were with other mares. Celestia was plainly stated to have a husband, making her a bisexual if we don't try and expand from there. So not only was that a social faux pas, you were also blatantly wrong. Also, do try and consider that magical immortals/gods from a species other than humans on a planet other than Earth don't fall into the human perception of these issues, you literally cannot comprehend how they've lived their lives and what any of it means to them, so why would you try and say how these characters are written is a bad or wrong thing?

So, take my advice: grow a thicker skin, and either get over your issues, or don't air them out in front of everyone else while trying to make them write what you want.

I can have an opinion and I made one comment if you don't like it fine but if you want to look at a thin skin look in a mirror I can accept a no, l am allowed to to comment on something that would not change the story if you think a story about friendship needs lgbt overtones that is your problem. I can say that the fandom is far to in love with certain politics and the hypocrisy you have shown is quite profound. As far as a am concerned the conversation was over after the first commet.

Login or register to comment