Nopony was Prepared for this
Nurse Redheart knew everything was going to go horribly, horribly wrong the moment Twilight Sparkle walked through the door. As a medical professional, she was well practiced in the art of gathering a general understanding of the condition of any patient who walked in the door before any words were exchanged. She could tell if they felt great, average, poor, sick, or even mildly depressed. She had a sharp eye for symptoms of common diseases, especially pony pox, and knew to grab the mask on the counter quickly if there were signs of anything particularly nasty.
Needless to say, Redheart not only noticed the wings, she noticed that the wings were larger than any normal pegasus' should be. Twilight's horn was also a little more pointed, her figure slightly more firm, and she was noticeably taller than Redheart remembered. The purple pony no longer matched any medical norm Redheart could think of.
Twilight awkwardly stretched out her right wing. "Er... Yeah. I'm an alicorn now. Uh... Just try to think of me as a pegasus and a unicorn!"
That's not how this works, your wings aren't normal, your horn isn't normal, nothing about you can be considered normal for any pony race! "Ah, right, of course. Just sit down here. I'll have to go through both procedures, of course." What am I saying? I'm going to have to invent new procedures here! "We'll start with your standard checkup and move to the unicorn-specific first, sound okay?"
"You're taking this better than I thought."
Oh, really? Can you read my mind? I'm screaming in here! "I'm a nurse. I have to stay calm in my job or else things end in disaster. Now, ears up."
Twilight lifted her ears - and her wings.
"...I said ears," Redheart deadpanned. And so it begins.
"I did - oh," Twilight blushed, folding her wings - and her ears - back down.
Redheart raised an eyebrow. Twilight facehooved, trying hard to lift only her ears, but at the moment the wings seemed to be position locked in relation to the ears. She eventually had to put her wings down and hold her ears as far up as she could with her hooves. "Good?"
Redheart smiled. "Yes, perfect." This is quite possibly the worst possible ear angle besides completely closed. She grabbed the otoscope and looked into Twilight's ear. It was significantly difficult to see inside, but she was able to determine the ear was relatively healthy - even if it had a bit too much earwax. The ears took twice as long to examine as they should, but the examination went by without incident.
Let's hope this lasts. She grabbed a light and looked into Twilight's eyes with them. The immense orbs looked back, reflecting a large portion of the light into Redheart's own eyes, making it difficult to see. It was rather sparkly though. Redheart rubbed her eyes and tried to come in from the side, only succeeding in turning the reflecting sparkles into a blinding rainbow.
"Are you okay?" Twilight asked, concerned.
"Yes, fine," Redheart muttered, shaking her head to clear it. "Your eyes have just developed a slight reflective sheen." Slight? Ha! I'm not sure they'd be more reflective if they were made of mirrors! She came at Twilight's eye from the bottom, and this seemed to work. Once again, it took significantly more time than usual, but she was able to get a healthy result.
And, thank Celestia, the nose went by without incident. Nothing up there but regular old disgusting mucus. I've never been so happy to see those pieces of filth. "Okay, Twilight, open your mouth now."
Twilight did so, letting out a childish 'aaaaaah' unbefitting a mare of her age, but Redheart didn't comment. She never did - her patients would do what they wanted and it wasn't her business. She shone the light down the throat, squinting her eyes. The passage seemed slightly wider than it should have been, but everything looked like it was draining correctly and Twilight certainly wasn't having any difficulty or pain with talking. She turned off the light, ready to have Twilight close her mouth. Of course she had to notice that the back of the throat was glowing slightly.
"...Wha ih ih?" Twilight grunted through her open mouth.
"The back of your throat is glowing." Ponyfeathers! Shouldn't have said that!
"Mah wha ih wha?!" Twilight gasped.
"You can close your mouth now."
Twilight closed her mouth and coughed slightly. "My what is what?!"
"Throat. Glowing." Pretty basic stuff here, genius. Unlike what I'm dealing with.
"That can't be good..."
"I don't know," Redheart admitted, grabbing the stethoscope. "We have to listen to see if anything's wrong." Listen to see? Come on Redheart! Make more sense! "Roll onto your back."
This took considerable effort on Twilight's part since the wings were new additions, large, and not happy with being underneath anything. "Uh... How's this...?"
It's lopsided and ugly and makes me want to scream at your wing posture. "Fine for now." She touched the cold stethoscope to Twilight's chest. The moment contact was made, Twilight's horn activated and froze the stethoscope to her coat.
"Augh!" Twilight said, starting to flail, but with a firm hoof usually reserved for surgery patients, Redheart forced her back onto the table. She listened through the frozen stethoscope to the heart and lungs. One was beating erratically, due to fear, but strong. The latter was taking quick, short breaths, happening far faster than any pony should have been even at this fear level. And this was all without mentioning the strange humming.
It sounds like somepony's singing in there.
Redheart removed the stethoscope from her ears, allowing Twilight to remove the frozen bit with her magic. "Well, it all seems fine down there." Lies, lies, lies. "Though I'll probably have to transfer you over to Celestia's doctor to see for sure."
Twilight returned to an upright position. "Oh! Should I just go to him instead? Since, well, this seems to be a bit of trouble..."
Take the ticket out of here and bolt. "No need, I can finish here." Redheart! Idiot! Save yourself! What are you, a Lemming!?
"You sure?" Twilight pushed.
"Definitely. I wouldn't want to chase out one of my patients!" AAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHH!!
"Oh. Well, thank you for putting up with me!"
"No problem at all. I'm going to have to check behind your tail now."
Twilight blushed. "Riiiiiiight..."
Redheart quickly lifted her tail and breathed a sigh of relief. "Everything's normal back here." THANK CELESTIA, LUNA, DISCORD, THE STARS, AND ANY OTHER DEITY THAT MAY BE LISTENING. She lowered the tail, checking the long, hairy appendage itself in the process, and also found nothing abnormal. The blessings just keep coming!
"Stomach now?" Twilight asked, remembering the one regular step they hadn't performed yet.
"Yep," Redheart said, prodding Twilight's stomach with her hoof gently. Nothing was tight, that was a good sign-
Twilight burped, shattering a nearby window.
"...Is that bad?"
Redheart blinked. "If anything that's a sign of great health." And that concerns me. She shook her head. "Okay... Time to move on to the unicorn portion. Extra long horn..." She put on some latex boots on her front hooves and stood up on her hind legs. She delicately reached for the horn, pressing it from both sides. She was expecting something to explode. She was not expecting the wings to shoot straight out, creating a gust of wind that knocked Redheart over.
"Sorry! I'm not used to controlling them yet!"
"Just... Keep them spread out..." Redheart muttered, standing up and going for the horn again. This time, the wings decided they just had to close quickly, but Redheart had enough of her mind about her to stay focused. She kept a firm hold on the horn, pressing it from both sides. She checked the base, rounded the rings, and determined that everything was in order. Ha! Take that, demon wings from the pits of Tartarus! I won! You fooled me once, but never again! She stepped down. "Everything's in order up there, though it does seem more powerful."
"You think so?"
"Yeah." Of course at this point most of my thoughts are screams of rage. "Pegasus portion time!" She grabbed one of the wings, lifting it up - she braced, but nothing happened. She pulled it down, testing the joint. It was healthy and loose, but not very strong, probably from not being used all that much. "You should try flying mo-"
The moment Redheart put the wing at its lowest position, Twilight's horn decided it was go time and shot a laser into the wall, cutting a small round hole in it. Redheart and Twilight stared at the opening.
Redheart, unable to really think at this point, lifted and lowered the wing again, triggering another magical laser bolt. A small smile appeared on her lips the third time. The fourth time Twilight gave her an odd look. "Uh... Redheart?"
"Right, sorry, just experimenting. Your wing is mostly healthy, though I have no idea what the laser is about. Next wing!" She giggled slightly. She grabbed the other wing, lifted it up, and lowered it down. Twilight's front left hoof reacted, lifting up and smashing into the ground, cracking it. Redheart stared in disbelief. Earth. Pony. Strength. She facheooved. "Oh for the... I'll have to test your earth pony attribute as well. Give me a second." She lifted the wing up and down one more time just to check that it was operating as expected (as expected as such a large wing could be in her mind, anyway), ignored the second crack in the floor, and brought Twilight a concrete block.
"What am I supposed to do with this?"
"Stomp on it," Redheart said. "I would test your reflexes but I think that'd be ill-advised at this point." I fear for my safety.
Twilight cautiously raised her hoof above the block, looking at it with both confusion and determination. Then she brought her hoof down, shattering the block into a dozen pieces, including one that hit Redheart on the head.
Ow. That is going to leave an ugly bruise. "Well, Twilight, I will have to forward these results to Canterlot, but I am happy to pronounce you with a clean bill of health, despite all your physiological changes!" Yeah, health and a whole ton of concerning side effects that would be keeping me up at night if I had them. I do not envy you, Twilight Sparkle. "You've been a good patient." Why'd I have to say that, I should make her know this has been a horrible experience. Horseapples.
"Oh. Well, thanks Redheart! I... I guess I probably won't be seeing you for a physical again?"
"Hopefully not!"
"Well, I'll be sure to stop by and see how you're doing from time to time, okay?"
"Okay!" That is sweet and adorable but it fills me with fear right now.
Twilight Sparkle left the room, leaving Redheart alone. She set to work on the paperwork, filling out all the oddities in detail (what even was that noise? And the glowing? And the eyes!?) and folding it into an envelope addressed to the medical school in Canterlot.
It was only then she succumbed to the head injury and lost consciousness.
FInally... Rest...
~~~
A few days later, Redheart was in bed, bandages still wrapped around her head. Twilight Sparkle still knew nothing about Redheart's hospitalization, and that was the way it would stay.
One of the other nurses brought her a letter with the official Canterlot seal. She grinned - maybe finally she would get some answers.
Dear Miss Redheart...
It is with mixed pleasure and condolences in which we write to you. Sadly, we must inform you that the physiology of Equus Alicornyus (Alicorns) is something that none of us here at the Medical Academy fully understand. Both the royal sisters and Mi Amore Cadenza draw from a pool of roughly three dozen doctors who work around the clock to determine what ails them, or if they are healthy. At best, it is all guesswork. One day the eyes will present the rainbow diffraction you described, other times they cause explosions to happen a mile away. We are deeply apologetic you had to go through an entire procedure without any prior knowledge, and are impressed you weren't further injured.
Due to your success in dealing with the new Princess, Twilight Sparkle, when neither of you knew what was going on, it has come to our attention that you are an excellent medical professional. We would like to offer you an opportunity to come work with us here at the Alicorn Medical Department and attempt to solve the 'random' mysteries of their physiology. Simply reply with confirmation and we will send for you.
We hope you seriously consider our offer.
Sincerely, the Alicorn Medical Department.
Never before in her life had Nurse Redheart written NO so quickly.
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Heh, that was nice. Can't think of anything else to say, so... yeah.
Maybe instead of a cinder block she should have brought an anvil to see if she could make a dent on it.
I quite enjoyed that.
Oh thank celestia, faust and everything else she didn't boop the nose, booping the nose would be very bad, yes very bad indeed.
That's a good Nurse Redheart, you get the buck out of dodge while you can!
the wing laser cracked me up
8622036
it seemed nurse redheart was also cracked up at that as well.
8621889
I would MUCH rather take a chunk of cinder block to the head than a shard of ANVIL!
Great little piece on a practical problem. One of those things that makes you wonder. Only thing I might have changed is the laser trigger: I get that each side triggers a different aspect, but we've seen Pinkie Pie use Twilight's tail as a trigger for the gatling gun shots. Other than that, no remarks, have a like!
The contrast between what she says and what she thinks is what I believe really creates the humor for this piece.
8622239
The tail was for the gatling laser. Which, as we saw, were blunt-force blasts. The wing-laser is for precision cutting attacks, as demonstrated.
8622300
Ah, yes, the mystical powers of the Swiss Army Unicorn Horn. Forgot about that
8622312
Imagine what we'll have to do to see the wide-angle thermal laser! I'm pretty sure this Alicorn version of the Swiss Army Unicorn Horn comes equipped with one.
New Princess Twilight Sparkle™! With Magic Beam Action™ and Kung Fu Stomp™!
Tremendously glad that you went with my idea and turned it to something this amazing. Thank you for it.
8622338
Apparently, the idea was pure gold, so thank you. This has blown up in the greatest way possible!
-GM, master of PREVIOUSLY...
nooooo red heart it was chance to be something great you just had to get over your fear and you could have gone far kid
8622334
"Hang on, lemme just... okay, left ear is down, right wing is up, and if I can just get my tongue far enough on your right ear..."
Cue Death Star laser.
That's totally how it works, and no one can prove otherwise
If Twilight could function as a laser gatling gun before, what is she now? A bazooka with bullet shields?
I... I have done something I haven't done in a long time while reading a fic. I laughed out loud. My sister actually asked what I was doing from the other room.
I loved this story 11/10 lasers - ign
This w as a pleasant little time-spender. Thanks for writing it.
Oh, Nurse Redheart discovered the controls to the Twiligun Mk. II!
I imagine that if Pinkie Pie had a medical degree (not saying she doesn't) she would be able to tell exactly what's going on intuitively
8622673
She didn't find the safety catch yet, though.
They dont understand the laser thing either.
8622530
Wilco!
Wait until she gets as old as my OC Alicorn then the really odd stuff starts happing.. Like cause villains to attack Equestria every time sneezes, whole kingdoms to randomly disappear and reappear a 100 years later because of itch.. Ponies disappearing for 1000 years because of winking around.. etc,etc..But serious now.. That was funny but it left me to wonder. How normal would Alicorn health be..?? Oh well it was fun in it's own twisted way
why is red heart often depicted as hating her job?
Poor Redheart...
But I can at least say she has the mind of a scientist.
imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_difference.png
Thanks for the silliness.
I'm guessing the enlarged throat is to assist in cake-glormphing, but I have no idea what's going on with the glow or the hum.
8622864
I like to think she likes her job. It's just that, like all medical professionals, when something unexpected comes up it's just asking for a disaster. This was just a bad day for her.
-GM, master of comeupance.
8622941
fair enough everyone does have a off day
It'll be a long time until they figure out that alicorns physiologies are modeled after action figures.
I feel bad for the department once flurry heart is born..... or when Candace is pregnant with flurry heart
8623042
.....Flurry would sneeze and vaporize the poor nurse ._.
8622794
It was always worth a chuckle, seeing the Death Star using a Grass Valley Group analog A/V production switcher to blow up a planet.
8621889
Reminded me of this Far Side comic with the tennis ball:
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/8f/9d/51/8f9d510976f160b4344cdc20b7edb0ac.jpg
8622782
I'm pretty sure we don't want to know where that is...
lol. short but very nice. have a like and fav
THANK YOU for remembering Twilight has Earth pony traits now!
Redheart: "It's okay. This is just the usual Ponyville-stuff. After working in the local hospital for years I got kind of used to it."
: "That's great!"
According to the show that should usually happen while moving the tail, not the wing.
8623140
I mean she blew through how many floors of the crystal castle with that one sneeze? Heaven forbid nurse Redheart is in the line of fire!
Genuine question: why is this advertised?
862334 while true, Twilight was also a pure unicorn during the wedding battle.
8623481
Is it not something that people do? I see it on a lot of stories at the end of the description, they have it say when they are featured and have a little personal message on it. I guess I did write it in the heat of the moment, but hey, I was excited!
EDIT: top now edited to sound a little less braggy.
-GM, master of squares.
That's quite a bit of chaos for a pony who is essentially the Princess of Harmony. Next up is Physiology of Discordiae Ille Qui Pulsat!
8623504
Yeah, some authors do that. Particularly with their first story that gets featured. (I know I did.)
It's less common on one-shots, but I've seen them quite frequently there, too. Don't worry about it.
I mean, if it's a long story, and you add a line for every single time it gets featured, people might think you're a bit ego-centric, but that doesn't matter in this case.
If you feel it was a significant achievement, or it was sufficiently surprising to you, keep it there.
How you manage to convey this in such a mundane feeling manner just sells this line for me.
8623244
Somewhere near the seatbelts.
It turns out all alicorn powers emanate from a mysterious orb in their chests. Later, this happens...
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/2/15/244414__safe_artist-colon-aaeiou90_twilight+sparkle_alicorn_crossover_end+of+evangelion_end+of+ponies_end+of+the+world_female_goodbye_immortality+blues.png
But it was all part of the plan...
fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/168/3/f/it__s__the__pose__by_sweetiebelle_fim-d3j4lyf.png
Faust-dammit, Celestia!
8624205
Gendo Celestia was something I didn't know I needed in my life.