Spike the Dragon is a long time resident of Ponyville and in this town are his best friends, The Elements of Harmony. This group has been through everything together, good and bad and their friendship has grown into an unbreakable bond, or so Spike thought.
Through a unforeseen event, Spike is sent to prison for a crime he didn't commit and the bond of friendship he thought he had was nothing more than a illusion of his heart. With his world shattered and nothing left for him to live for, one being changes that and gives Spike a new desire to live and that is for power and revenge.
This story takes place after the events of Season 4, Twilight's battle with Tirek.
Chapters (5)
First off, just wanted to point out that there are some missing quotation marks and some unneccesary uses of "was"
Also, this isn't going to be another one of those fics where Spike is being banished by the ponies, wants to get revenge, but ends up forgiving them in the end anyway, is it? Because that trope is really getting old.
exellent continue please
The punctuation could use some improvement but i still look forward to what you have to offer
So far so good, but it wouldn't to do some spell checking
You got some confusion of "was" and "were." Also, a big thing here is you keep using "Your" instead of "You're." "You're" is the contraction of "you are" or "you were." "Your" shows possession, as in "your honor" or "your love."
In addition, your quotation marks are all over the damn place. Sometimes, they're missing entirely, sometimes they appear right in the middle of a character speaking. They should only appear at the start of a character's dialogue and at the end, simple as that, and if a character quotes something, that should use single quotes, like so:
Would you kindly update this story pleases :)
Well Spike, finally figure out why Rarity always gave you the cold shoulder and used you as a slave?
Hint if you haven't, cause you ain't nothing but a damn dirty non-pony.
Dios Mio! The Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine of Equestria has risen.
I don't know about you, but I think this strongly represents what I think most of Equestria should be doing right about now.
Tell me this is going to be a spike kills everybody with his awesome power story. If it is, it gets all my love.
I love a good Spike gets vengeance story. I hope before he kills them he proves that he wasn't the murder so they can have a huge amount of guilt before they die.
you better have them find out that they made a terrible mistake, in fact have Queen Chrysalis come forward, a few days after Spike escapes and says she ordered one of her changelings to turn into Spike and frame him for murder and she says this "it's funny, you go on about the Magic of Friendship yet you were quick to accuse your friend of something he was innocent of"
Poor Spike, he has nothing left. No place to return to, nobody to love and nobody to believe in.
Nothing.... but demons.
P.S: You have caught my interest, keep going and I hope you improve.
I can already predict what may have happened. Tirek pinned Fler's death on Spike
This is going to end with his former friends believing Spike and him turning on Tirek.
6484812 "gosh I sure hope Spike proves he's not a murderer before he murders everyone!"
6486044 Ya for the murder he was framed for not the murder his going to comment.
Be careful what you ask for... Here are some of my impressions and thoughts on this story:
The very first thing that come to mind is the anthro tag. Why are the characters in this story anthro?
There are various reasons for characters to be anthropomorphized, some good, most bad.
The good: It's an aspect of the story, the characters are changed due to a mechanic of the plot.
The bad: The author is trying to sexualize the story, and cannot bring him/herself to sexualize equines. The author does not know how to write non-human characters.
And that's pretty much it. There are many specific reasons, but it all boils down to these three: It's a story point, the author will not write ponies, or the author cannot write ponies and is afraid to try. I think it's unlikely that it's the first, as the characters start out anthro and don't find if weird. I also doubt it's the second, as this story is rated teen. That leaves the third, and I strongly recommend against this if this is the case. I strongly recommend against making ponies anything except ponies for any reason other than a story point. Doing so inherently adds a cognitive dissonance as the automatic image of any character is a pony. Most readers have a mental image of a pony every time the characters are named. Talking about them with human attributes automatically makes many readers have to stop and mentally revise a scene each time they do something, or are described as, non-equine. If the problem stems from you not being sure how to write non-human characters, I'd be willing to help with that.
My next concern is Spike. I'm afraid you're going to make him into a Gary Stu. If you haven't already. I realize that this is an inflammatory accusation, but the ease with which he pulled a Dues ex get-out-of-Tartarous is pretty off-putting. Plus, he's a dragon. Since when can dragons shoot energy beams out of their hands?
The final thing I'm going to comment on is the flashbacks. Flashbacks are a terribly clumsy way to convey information. In my opinion, they should never be used. In this case specifically, I'd recommend actually not informing the reader of the past details at all. Leaving holes if the readers knowledge lets them fill in the blanks with their own assumptions. These are often wrong, but they will almost always be better told than if an author relayed them himself. This is because the reader will be imagining the events themselves, and no amount of words can improve on pure imagination. After all, even the best author can only shape the story that is being told in the readers head.
Update soon!
This was so close to being good...so close...
You seem to be alright at writing, but you really need to fix those punctuation errors. Work on your grammar and syntax a bit, especially with the organization and style of the chapter (Basically, show, don't tell. Don't say "This is a flashback. This is what everything is like." Imply it. Either make a separate chapter with the flashback or do something to set it aside and let it flow, such as adding a horizontal rule and italicizing it, and putting a flashback after something would trigger the memory). Everyone's also a bit OoC, which also leads to a slight pacing problem. Everything moves a bit too fast, with a bit too little detail.
Thank you everyone for your remarks. I will make corrections to this chapter when I can and I am currently working on Chapter 2.
I will do my best to avoid a Gary Su and Spike's powers and how he was able to use it will be explained.
Cool
its cool
Very good. Keep it up.
I've seen this sort of thing before, with Spike. It recalls fics such as the Rise of Spike the Dragon, in which Spike is transmuted from his lovable snarky canon self into angry overpowered little badass, invariably at the expense of the Mane Six. Here we have a frame job and false inprisonment as the set up, but the results are the same: the pony characters made into antagonists and Spike is out to right the 'wrongs' committed against him.
I'm not a fan of the term myself, but Angry Gary Stu!Spike is in clear and present danger of rearing his ugly head here, as 6486476 has pointed out. I find myself in agreement with the rest of his or her arguments as well.
I should be very surprised if this story turns out to be anything other than what I have it pegged for, but in the interests of providing constructive criticism I will say this: Firstly, avoid at all cost turning the Mane Six or Twilight into villains; this will antagonise most readers with the exception of a handful of Spike fans who love fics that make him a hero and the ponies villains. Remember: this is an mlp fan site; most here like the ponies.
Secondly, don't turn Spike into a tall anthro with a bunch of powers he never had in canon and a bad attitude. That's the aforementioned Angry Gary Stu!Spike. His presence is always a red flag. Follow that road far enough, and you'll find the character you're writing soon moves so far from canon Spike that he stops being Spike at all, and what's the point then?
I recommend reading the Rage Review of the Rise of Spike the Dragon. It covers a very similar story to this and outlines in great detail the failings of that story and the potential pitfalls of this one.
6502856 Yeah, I talked to Aburi and I've decided to halt this story until I reconstruct it, so it will work out in the end. I greatly appreciate your criticism and I will use that to find a way to make my story flow better. I'll take a break on it and work on other stories I have for Spike.
I really want to see more.
So... I'm going to go with all the ponies being mind-controlled, because otherwise, I could not see them act this way.
Luna might slap Spike in disgust. But his friends? Fluttershy was in tears when Discord betrayed them. She'd cry her eyes out at this. Nevermind Twilight, who's torn between losing her oldest and perhaps closest friend and doing her duty as a Princess of Equestria.
I also expect the one to set him up was Blueblood himself. Why? Because Blueblood's always used in this manner, regardless of whether it makes sense or not. To be fair, I could be completely off the mark.
As it is, you have an interesting idea here. The main issues are the threat of the Gary Stu, as others have mentioned, and tying into that is making the ponies act out of character in order to have Spike look better as the blameless victim or justify whatever atrocities he decides to commit afterwards.
6484812
You said it, especially when it's things like this. Twilight, Luna, and especially Celestia, deserve what's the pain and agony that's looming right over there heads. Even after all they went though, you would think that Twilight would be sad because of what Spike "did". But nope! She threw him away as if he were another piece of trash to be disposed of. I hope Twilight, as well as Celestia, gets a very long, slow, painful, and agonizing, death.
Sorry about this, I am very enraged at how all of spike's closest friends treated him. I am furiously venting right now please disregard anything that doesn't make since. I don't even know what I'm saying.
6528049 Vent brother/sister vent it out. Let the hate throw thru you.
not good I got a bad feeling be it-me
now die-spike
im go to stop you-me
I me a art of evil spike vintage.ponychan.net/chan/arch/src/130051620719.jpg
6528255 cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/27630482.jpg
Please more I beg of of you!
Hiatus nothing man this is the best Dark Spike fic I've read yet.
You gotta get back to this and let the little guy have his vengeance.
6502877 Please continue on this.
this story must be continued i can't wait till spike meets them again and tears them apart.41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mds412Vm9m1rlzipfo1_1280.png
they will deserve it what they have done
data.whicdn.com/images/66545494/original.png
My criticism is that it has not been updated. Also just a few spelling errors but no one cares about that.
Come on come on come on! Update update update!
Quick update via his home page. Chapter 2 should be finished by tonight he says and it needs to be proofread. My guess is should be up by this weekend. If not tomarrow(let's hope tomarrow)
After re reading this for a 5th time I am just starting to realize that the 6 and friends did not even let Spike defend himself. He had now lawyer or anything. And when he tried to defend himself he was cut off by Twilight(can someone think up a mean nick name for Twilight please) and or Rainbow Dick,Flutterbitch,Whoreity,Shitty Pie,Applejerk,and Slutestia. It was like they wanted him to be guilty so they could banish him... Oh my god no no no it cannot be. The quick accusation, the brush off without batting an eyelash, and not being able to defend. Did one of the mane 6 or Blue Balls kill Fleur and frame it on our dragon just to get rid of him. Oh my god that would be a bigger plot twist then Darth Vader being Luke's father. Man if that was the case I wonder how Spike and/or the rest of the mane 6 would react(depending on who killed her) I mean there are many contenders on who could have killed Fleur. I mean how did his DNA get there unless if Twilight placed it there because she grew up with Spike. She probably planted some claws and scales around. But what about the fact that Blueblood saw spike kill(unless he is in on it because I am thinking of a team effort here) someone would have had to make a convincing spike outfit and there is only one pony who could pull that off... Whoreity. Oh my god how would Spike take it if that was the case? That his practical sister and pony he loved with all his heart set him up. Jesus Christ that would be to horrable to think about.
6856089
Twibitch. rainbow snot
6856493
Yeah that is much better. The nicknames were the best I could do on such short notice.
Welp, they're all fucked if they come to Equestria.
Spike and Tirek=Scott Pilgrim
Equestria=The World
Yep. I just made that comparison. Don't judge me.
Good to have you back!
YES! YES! YES!
Hmm maybe you should call it origins because it shows spike origins. Just a thought.