Chapter 1: Memories and Purpose
I scratch another line on the wall to represent my weeks within my small dark prison, then scratch a line through it so I will be reminded that a month had passed. I found this task quite superfluous since time meant nothing to those who are imprisoned here. For those who are imprisoned in Tartarus is life until death... and that is if they commit suicide and succeed since most of the inmates are immortal or just have an incredible life span, like yours truly. After marking the passing of another month, I inspected the wall and looked over all the other months that had passed.
I sighed deeply, “That makes twelve months... again... Making it three whole years in this dreaded place."
I clenched my teeth as my emerald green eyes turned into sharp reptilian eyes, I was flowing with pure hatred and rage while tears formed and poured down my face like a waterfall as my mind faded from my current situation and into my memories.
Within the Friendship Rainbow Kingdom, Celestia's orb of light had risen into the sky for quite some time, signaling the time of a late afternoon. The princess of friendship and her number one assistant lived and grew together, physically and mentally as their bond of friendship grows stronger. It had been four months since Twilight gained her own castle and has grown so far in life and has learned so much since then... well in other places at least. She still doesn't know how to cook.
“Spike, when will it be ready?” Twilight asked impatiently.
“Just a minute Twilight. My famous nachos only get its title from the hard work and love I put into it,” Spike said as he finished cooking the beans. Then he poured a healthy sauce into two bowls for him and his closest friend just before walking over to her.
“Finally! I've been waiting for this all morning!” Twilight said while drooling some from hunger.
Spike, chuckling from Twilight's actions, brought a big tray full of the toppings and nacho chips he hand-made to the table. “How will you survive while I'm gone Twi?” He asked as he placed the tray on the table in front of Twilight as she marveled at the offering presented to her.
“I will be fine Spike, there is plenty of instant food in the refrigerator and besides," Twilight responded as she slowly looked up at Spike with a warm smile and continued, "You will only be gone for a day and a half, counting today. Now are you ready for your trip to Canterlot?”
“Of course, I got my train ticket and my bag packed ahead of time. It's only the usual Royal Canterlot business that Princess Celestia has me doing. I honestly think she brings me up there on purpose. The work I do has nothing to do with it in my opinion.” Spike said.
Twilight laughed as she still smiled warmly. “Well, it's to be expected. She did raise you Spike and in the few letters she has sent me, she always asks how are your doing. She always knows what happens in my life, but you rarely send her letters.”
Spike sighed. “Yeah... I guess.” He sat down in front of her and then the two began eating. After they finished eating Spike stood up and began to wash the dishes as Twilight stayed at the table and watched him from behind.
She thought back to how far her number one assistant has grown with her. Princess Celestia raised him, teaching him how to cook, clean, be polite, caring and many other domestic skills as well as skills in an art such as painting, drawing and sewing. She was his mother and then what seemed to come out of nowhere, Princess Celestia made her and Spike a team. Spike was to take care of her while she studied. It was as if the princess of the sun raised Spike to be in her life, something that Twilight was forever grateful for. Twilight's thoughts were then interrupted by an outside voice.
“Did you hear me, Twilight? I said I'm off after I'm done here,” Spike repeated.
Twilight shook her head, bringing herself back to the real world, “Oh, yes, sorry Spike, I was lost in thought,” Twilight said with a big smile then continued as she looked down at the table, “I'm just glad that we met.” She said quietly but loud enough for Spike to hear.
“Same here,” Spike, smiled as precious memories flooded through his mind then continued, “If it wasn't for my mother arranging me to be your assistant, my life would have never gotten to be this awesome,” he said as he finished the dishes.
Twilight giggled, “Awesome? You think fighting Nightmare Moon, Discord, Changelings, and Tirek is fun? Rainbow Dash's personality must have rubbed off on you over the years.”
Spike smirked then responded, “Maybe so... and I like it!” He said proudly.
Twilight grinned, “Well, don't let that attitude get you into trouble in Canterlot.”
Spike smiled, “I'm always on my best behavior”. He walked over to the door and grabbed his bag and turned around to face Twilight as she got up and was heading to the door. “I'll see you soon princess, he winked at her, causing Twilight to blush lightly from his action.
Spike stood at the wall with his head low, full of despair and hate. “Friendship is Magic... heh yeah right...” Spike said sarcastically. Then all of a sudden he heard a voice from behind him, just outside of his cage.
“You say friend, I say foe... There can never be a bond with friendship. It is nothing more than a temporary control over another,” Said a cloaked figure.
Spike who was startled by the sudden voice turned around in his cell until he noticed a being standing outside his cage. “Who are you?” Spike demanded with a shaken tone.
“I am the one who hates friendship just as much as you child.” The cloaked figure responded.
“What? You don't know anything about me,” Spike said back.
“I don't have to know you personally to know that you were betrayed by your friends. Don't deny it.” The cloaked figure responded.
Spike didn't respond, but he clenched his fists tightly, non-verbally telling this unknown figure he was right.
“Come... and join me... and I will give you something that is worth far more than.. friendship.” The cloaked figured said the last word with a bit more disgust in his voice.
“And what would that be?” Spike asked curiously as he inspected the cloaked figure.
“Power!" The cloaked figure responded back and then continued, “It's the one thing that won't betray you and can get you whatever you desire, so what do you say, child?”
Spike was silent for a while then grinned and responded, "You got yourself a deal, but tell me, what is in it for you?”
"First off, my freedom, and second is to become powerful once again." The cloaked figured said.
Spike nodded his head, “I see. So you want me to help you regain your former strength?”
"All in due time, but freedom comes first.” The cloaked figure charged up a magic ball in his mouth, putting all the magic he currently contained and then shot the magic on a lock that bonded Spike's cage, making the lock shatter.
Once Spike was set free, the cloaked figure looked up at him then lead Spike to the very edge of the dimension they were in. In this area, contained two large pony statues that were clad in ancient armor, no doubt from Celestia's past. Each statue was on the right and left of the edge of the cliff and then below that was a never ending dark abyss.
Spike walked over to the edge of the cliff and looked down.”Where are we?”
"We are at the junction between this dimension and the world of light, where Equestria resides."
“Interesting, why would you bring me here?” Spike asked curiously.
“This place is guarded by powerful magic that prevents anyone from escaping. The guards and princess are the only ones who are able to open the portal at will and that is where you come in. You're a dragon with a very special dragonic abilites .”
“Hmm... and you need me to use my ability to cut a way into Equestria?” Spike responded.
“Precisely," The cloaked figure said eagerly as freedom is within his grasp the continued, "Do you think you can handle this task?”
Spike studied the statues then held out his claw as emerald green aura emerged from it. “Keep up your end of the deal and freedom is yours.”
The cloaked figure's eyes glowed a dark yellow as he spoke with eager in his voice. “All the power you could ever want will soon be in your grasp. Now do it!”
Spike upon hearing those words slashed out at both of the statues a few feet away. The green aura from his claws went out with the slash, forming a blade of green energy that effortlessly sliced through the heads stone statues. Soon after there was a huge explosion of sound, that rivaled Rainbow Dash's Sonic Rainboom. From the explosion a vortex formed by pulling wind vacuum.
The cloaked figure stood by Spike in amazement. “Magnificent, child!”
Spike nodded then responded to the cloaked figure while looking slightly down at him out of the corner of his eye, “My name is Spike, Spike The Dragon.”
“And you may call me..." the cloaked figure slowly removed the hood of his cloak. "Tirek! And from this day forward we shall gain what is rightfully ours!”
Spike's eyes widened a bit but quickly went back to normal then nodded as he looked at the spiraling vortex, so many things were going through his mind at the moment, but there was one memory that took center stage in his mind.
Deep within Canterlot on a private trial, Spike Dragon lost the against Prince Blueblood and now awaits punishment.
“How many times do I have to say I didn't do it?!”
Spike stood in the center of a pitch black room with the only light coming from a circular light that shined from high above him. Special red glowing chains that are specifically made to contain dragons restricted his moments as the chains were strapped to his wrists with the red chain leading to the ground. All in attendance was The Elements of Harmony, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Prince Blueblood and a group of royal guards who had their spears at the ready.
Twilight and her friends walked up and stood over Spike and looked down at him in disgust. Twilight was the first to speak as Princess Celestia stood in the darkness with her head held down in shame.
“I can't believe you would do something so cruel. I saw you as my closest friend. You helped me get through so much. You bring shame to me, my title “the Princess of Friendship”, to Canterlot and to the royal family.”
“T-Twilight please listen to me.” Tears formed in Spike's eyes as he pleaded with someone he loved as a sister. "I'm telling you, I didn't kill Fleur. I was nowhere near her-"
“Lies!” Prince Blueblood shouted in pure rage as he charged at Spike only to be stopped by two guards who kept him at bay from assaulting Spike. "You filthy beast, you took the love of my life right in front of me and you even tried to kill me too!”
“Spike”, Princess Luna spoke, “her heart was pierced by dragon claws. We even did a DNA test and found your DNA on her”.
“I was with Shin-”
Spike was soon cut off by Twilight. “Stop using my brother's name and stop trying to use him as an excuse!” Twilight said in anger. "Shining Armor did say you were with him, but that was minutes later!"
“S-S-So I couldn't have murdered Fleur. She was in one of the chambers that was a very long walk from where me and Shining-”. Spike was suddenly cut off by a magically enhanced slap from Twilight that was so strong that Spike would have flown back a few feet if it wasn't for the powerful red chains keeping him bounded to the ground.
“Didn't you hear what I just said?! Stop using his name!"
Spike looked at the ground as he winced from the pain and then began to cry. Spike continued to look at the ground as his tears soaked the floor and spoke to the other five girls that surrounded him. “Why are you all so quiet... I-I thought we were friends..."
“What else is there to say to a savage beast like you?” Said Rarity.
“She's right ya know, and talkin' any further is rather pointless. You're getting what you deserve.” Applejack, spoke as she looked down at him.
“I actually believed you were different from the rest of your kind, but Rarity is right. You're nothing but a savage beast!” Fluttershy spoke as she gave Spike her stare.
Both Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash remained silent, not wishing to speak to them. Then suddenly Rainbow Dash finally spoke, not to Spike, but to Twilight. “Can we speed this up? I'm sick of looking at him!” Rainbow Dash said as she looked at him with disgust.
“Not yet Rainbow, the princess wants to have her final moment with him.” Twilight looked back at Celestia as she calmly walked forward in a dignified fashion, causing the other girls to step back to give her plenty of space.
Upon seeing Celestia, Spike rose up from the ground and looked her in the eyes. “M-Mom, please I-”. Spike froze as Celestia placed her hand on his chest.
Celestia looked into Spike's eyes with a cold glare and spoke, “Spike, for the crime against Canterlot, for not only killing Fleur De Lis in cold blood but also attempting murder on royalty, Prince Blueblood, I hereby banish you from Equestria and sentence you to life in Tartarus until death and I hereby remove my link you have connected to me, forever severing the magic bond we had.” Her hand glowed brightly as a bright white light shined through the room, briefly revealing all of the guards who was hidden in the dark with their weapons aimed at Spike, should he attempt escaping or assault. The light faded as the magic bond Spike had with Celestia faded.
Spike winced from the feeling. It felt like a piece of his heart was removed. Princess Celestia removed her hand from his chest then she concentrated magic into her horn as she prepared to send Spike away. Two guards walked up to his sides then one of the guards spoke as he bowed down, “Princess Cadence has sent me and one of the guards in her stead. Her words were that she couldn't bare to watch a once hero of the Crystal Empire get punished for a crime that is unfit for his title.”
Celestia looked down upon the guard and nodded. “I completely understand, this is quite painful. Now then, what is your name, will you remove the chains from the ground?”
The guard stood up with a serious expression. “Flash Sentry, your highness, and I would be honored to." He turned to Spike and looked at him with hate as the other guard removed the chain from the left side of him. "The Crystal Empire looked to you as a hero and savior, but now.... you're nothing but a murderer. You don't deserve your noble title...” Flash then removed the last chain on his right side and stepped back as Celestia covered Spike in her yellow magic and teleported him in a blinding light to Tartarus, but not before giving him her final words.
“I made a grave mistake to mother a creature like you. You were better off living with your own kind. I am truly sorry it had to come to this.”
Spike lost the will to move as those words pierced his heart as the bright yellow light swallowed him, teleporting him into Tartarus and soon was sealed within a jail cell once Celestia's magic wore off. Spike immediately ran for the metal bars in an attempt to break free, but was soon shocked and burned from the metal bars, this threw Spike back as he clenched his hands in extreme pain as a hologram of Celestia appeared in front of him and spoke, “Spike, this is nothing more than a recording I had left. I had this cage made specifically for dragons, as you probably know. The bars are made of a special iron, that is a dragon's poison and the wall behind you is indestructible. I'm sorry such measures had to be taken, but for the sake of Equestria, I must look past bonds I have with others... Nightmare Moon is an example of how far I will go... So good by Spike The Dragon..." She closed her eyes in solemn. "...forever.” The hologram ended and Spike collapsed on the ground with no will to live and cried.
A sinister smirk grew on Spike's face as he looked at the vortex and spoke. “Let's go, there is so much to change and I plan to completely destroy the bonds I once had and I intend to make them truly understand my hatred, pain, and despair...”
“Then from this day forward a new era will fall upon Equestria..."
The two entered the portal and for the first time in years for Spike, he left Tartarus and had a desire. To crush all that he cherished and start anew.
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First off, just wanted to point out that there are some missing quotation marks and some unneccesary uses of "was"
Also, this isn't going to be another one of those fics where Spike is being banished by the ponies, wants to get revenge, but ends up forgiving them in the end anyway, is it? Because that trope is really getting old.
exellent continue please
The punctuation could use some improvement but i still look forward to what you have to offer
So far so good, but it wouldn't to do some spell checking
You got some confusion of "was" and "were." Also, a big thing here is you keep using "Your" instead of "You're." "You're" is the contraction of "you are" or "you were." "Your" shows possession, as in "your honor" or "your love."
In addition, your quotation marks are all over the damn place. Sometimes, they're missing entirely, sometimes they appear right in the middle of a character speaking. They should only appear at the start of a character's dialogue and at the end, simple as that, and if a character quotes something, that should use single quotes, like so:
Would you kindly update this story pleases :)
Well Spike, finally figure out why Rarity always gave you the cold shoulder and used you as a slave?
Hint if you haven't, cause you ain't nothing but a damn dirty non-pony.
Dios Mio! The Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine of Equestria has risen.
I don't know about you, but I think this strongly represents what I think most of Equestria should be doing right about now.
Tell me this is going to be a spike kills everybody with his awesome power story. If it is, it gets all my love.
I love a good Spike gets vengeance story. I hope before he kills them he proves that he wasn't the murder so they can have a huge amount of guilt before they die.
you better have them find out that they made a terrible mistake, in fact have Queen Chrysalis come forward, a few days after Spike escapes and says she ordered one of her changelings to turn into Spike and frame him for murder and she says this "it's funny, you go on about the Magic of Friendship yet you were quick to accuse your friend of something he was innocent of"
Poor Spike, he has nothing left. No place to return to, nobody to love and nobody to believe in.
Nothing.... but demons.
P.S: You have caught my interest, keep going and I hope you improve.
I can already predict what may have happened. Tirek pinned Fler's death on Spike
This is going to end with his former friends believing Spike and him turning on Tirek.
6484812 "gosh I sure hope Spike proves he's not a murderer before he murders everyone!"
6486044 Ya for the murder he was framed for not the murder his going to comment.
Be careful what you ask for... Here are some of my impressions and thoughts on this story:
The very first thing that come to mind is the anthro tag. Why are the characters in this story anthro?
There are various reasons for characters to be anthropomorphized, some good, most bad.
The good: It's an aspect of the story, the characters are changed due to a mechanic of the plot.
The bad: The author is trying to sexualize the story, and cannot bring him/herself to sexualize equines. The author does not know how to write non-human characters.
And that's pretty much it. There are many specific reasons, but it all boils down to these three: It's a story point, the author will not write ponies, or the author cannot write ponies and is afraid to try. I think it's unlikely that it's the first, as the characters start out anthro and don't find if weird. I also doubt it's the second, as this story is rated teen. That leaves the third, and I strongly recommend against this if this is the case. I strongly recommend against making ponies anything except ponies for any reason other than a story point. Doing so inherently adds a cognitive dissonance as the automatic image of any character is a pony. Most readers have a mental image of a pony every time the characters are named. Talking about them with human attributes automatically makes many readers have to stop and mentally revise a scene each time they do something, or are described as, non-equine. If the problem stems from you not being sure how to write non-human characters, I'd be willing to help with that.
My next concern is Spike. I'm afraid you're going to make him into a Gary Stu. If you haven't already. I realize that this is an inflammatory accusation, but the ease with which he pulled a Dues ex get-out-of-Tartarous is pretty off-putting. Plus, he's a dragon. Since when can dragons shoot energy beams out of their hands?
The final thing I'm going to comment on is the flashbacks. Flashbacks are a terribly clumsy way to convey information. In my opinion, they should never be used. In this case specifically, I'd recommend actually not informing the reader of the past details at all. Leaving holes if the readers knowledge lets them fill in the blanks with their own assumptions. These are often wrong, but they will almost always be better told than if an author relayed them himself. This is because the reader will be imagining the events themselves, and no amount of words can improve on pure imagination. After all, even the best author can only shape the story that is being told in the readers head.
Update soon!
This was so close to being good...so close...
You seem to be alright at writing, but you really need to fix those punctuation errors. Work on your grammar and syntax a bit, especially with the organization and style of the chapter (Basically, show, don't tell. Don't say "This is a flashback. This is what everything is like." Imply it. Either make a separate chapter with the flashback or do something to set it aside and let it flow, such as adding a horizontal rule and italicizing it, and putting a flashback after something would trigger the memory). Everyone's also a bit OoC, which also leads to a slight pacing problem. Everything moves a bit too fast, with a bit too little detail.
Thank you everyone for your remarks. I will make corrections to this chapter when I can and I am currently working on Chapter 2.
I will do my best to avoid a Gary Su and Spike's powers and how he was able to use it will be explained.
Cool
its cool
Very good. Keep it up.
I've seen this sort of thing before, with Spike. It recalls fics such as the Rise of Spike the Dragon, in which Spike is transmuted from his lovable snarky canon self into angry overpowered little badass, invariably at the expense of the Mane Six. Here we have a frame job and false inprisonment as the set up, but the results are the same: the pony characters made into antagonists and Spike is out to right the 'wrongs' committed against him.
I'm not a fan of the term myself, but Angry Gary Stu!Spike is in clear and present danger of rearing his ugly head here, as 6486476 has pointed out. I find myself in agreement with the rest of his or her arguments as well.
I should be very surprised if this story turns out to be anything other than what I have it pegged for, but in the interests of providing constructive criticism I will say this: Firstly, avoid at all cost turning the Mane Six or Twilight into villains; this will antagonise most readers with the exception of a handful of Spike fans who love fics that make him a hero and the ponies villains. Remember: this is an mlp fan site; most here like the ponies.
Secondly, don't turn Spike into a tall anthro with a bunch of powers he never had in canon and a bad attitude. That's the aforementioned Angry Gary Stu!Spike. His presence is always a red flag. Follow that road far enough, and you'll find the character you're writing soon moves so far from canon Spike that he stops being Spike at all, and what's the point then?
I recommend reading the Rage Review of the Rise of Spike the Dragon. It covers a very similar story to this and outlines in great detail the failings of that story and the potential pitfalls of this one.
6502856 Yeah, I talked to Aburi and I've decided to halt this story until I reconstruct it, so it will work out in the end. I greatly appreciate your criticism and I will use that to find a way to make my story flow better. I'll take a break on it and work on other stories I have for Spike.
I really want to see more.
So... I'm going to go with all the ponies being mind-controlled, because otherwise, I could not see them act this way.
Luna might slap Spike in disgust. But his friends? Fluttershy was in tears when Discord betrayed them. She'd cry her eyes out at this. Nevermind Twilight, who's torn between losing her oldest and perhaps closest friend and doing her duty as a Princess of Equestria.
I also expect the one to set him up was Blueblood himself. Why? Because Blueblood's always used in this manner, regardless of whether it makes sense or not. To be fair, I could be completely off the mark.
As it is, you have an interesting idea here. The main issues are the threat of the Gary Stu, as others have mentioned, and tying into that is making the ponies act out of character in order to have Spike look better as the blameless victim or justify whatever atrocities he decides to commit afterwards.
6484812
You said it, especially when it's things like this. Twilight, Luna, and especially Celestia, deserve what's the pain and agony that's looming right over there heads. Even after all they went though, you would think that Twilight would be sad because of what Spike "did". But nope! She threw him away as if he were another piece of trash to be disposed of. I hope Twilight, as well as Celestia, gets a very long, slow, painful, and agonizing, death.
Sorry about this, I am very enraged at how all of spike's closest friends treated him. I am furiously venting right now please disregard anything that doesn't make since. I don't even know what I'm saying.
6528049 Vent brother/sister vent it out. Let the hate throw thru you.
not good I got a bad feeling be it-me
now die-spike
im go to stop you-me
I me a art of evil spike vintage.ponychan.net/chan/arch/src/130051620719.jpg
6528255 cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/27630482.jpg
Please more I beg of of you!
Hiatus nothing man this is the best Dark Spike fic I've read yet.
You gotta get back to this and let the little guy have his vengeance.
6502877 Please continue on this.
this story must be continued i can't wait till spike meets them again and tears them apart.41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mds412Vm9m1rlzipfo1_1280.png
they will deserve it what they have done
data.whicdn.com/images/66545494/original.png
My criticism is that it has not been updated. Also just a few spelling errors but no one cares about that.
Come on come on come on! Update update update!
Quick update via his home page. Chapter 2 should be finished by tonight he says and it needs to be proofread. My guess is should be up by this weekend. If not tomarrow(let's hope tomarrow)
After re reading this for a 5th time I am just starting to realize that the 6 and friends did not even let Spike defend himself. He had now lawyer or anything. And when he tried to defend himself he was cut off by Twilight(can someone think up a mean nick name for Twilight please) and or Rainbow Dick,Flutterbitch,Whoreity,Shitty Pie,Applejerk,and Slutestia. It was like they wanted him to be guilty so they could banish him... Oh my god no no no it cannot be. The quick accusation, the brush off without batting an eyelash, and not being able to defend. Did one of the mane 6 or Blue Balls kill Fleur and frame it on our dragon just to get rid of him. Oh my god that would be a bigger plot twist then Darth Vader being Luke's father. Man if that was the case I wonder how Spike and/or the rest of the mane 6 would react(depending on who killed her) I mean there are many contenders on who could have killed Fleur. I mean how did his DNA get there unless if Twilight placed it there because she grew up with Spike. She probably planted some claws and scales around. But what about the fact that Blueblood saw spike kill(unless he is in on it because I am thinking of a team effort here) someone would have had to make a convincing spike outfit and there is only one pony who could pull that off... Whoreity. Oh my god how would Spike take it if that was the case? That his practical sister and pony he loved with all his heart set him up. Jesus Christ that would be to horrable to think about.
6856089
Twibitch. rainbow snot
6856493
Yeah that is much better. The nicknames were the best I could do on such short notice.
6856089 But what would be their motivation
A guess. Blueblood perhaps Twilight and/or Rarity has a thing for the Prince and figure if they can get rid of Fleur, they could have Bebe all to themselves
I would Believe Spike would suspect Blueblood at first Only to learn that Twibitch and Whoreity are responsible because The power of Mare Boners. Which not only would it be devastating but also play with what most people would think the true culprit was. because as 6517153 said most people would think it was Blueblood because He's Blueblood
6484815 Yes! All the YES!
this is like the tenth time I've read this story and still by the end of the first chapter I want to go kick every body's ass besides Spike and Tirek
also if this anthro is Spike wearing any clothes or is he just normal Spike
Dude, this just breaks my heart. I do really want some revenge, starting with blueblood. Don't worry Spikey boy you'll have justice even if those who you called ¨friends¨ have to suffer but you'll have justice.
were i the one to make this story twi would be in denial and dash would try to correct this and the others would help, i would have done it differently...
poor spike
Draconia us the reaper I feel the exact same way