• Member Since 19th Mar, 2022
  • offline last seen 18 hours ago

Stalin with Da Spoon

Greetings, I am comrade Stalin, a man with swag and a giant spoon who smokes weed, here to make fan-fictions like dumb shitposts, random crossovers, and references. Enjoy the show, and stay swaggy.


Inspired by 'Shouldnt have enslaved humanity', written by NoobMaster69, as well as a Hearts of Iron 4 mod called 'Beyond Earth'.

Special thanks to karnazom for proofreading.

"Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plain of dignity and discipline." - Martin Luther King Jr.

Humanity is surprising in many ways. When most expected it to die out from infighting and chaos, it somehow survived, and now, it thrives. Global conflicts, economic and ecological disasters, near-extinction level events and collapses, all of them overcome, all thanks to the undying spirit and will of Humanity. Every challenge thrown their way has been overcome, and they have endured.

However, when a cataclysmic event of immense proportions approaches Earth, Humanity must find a way to preserve their race. And when they re-emerge from the remains of the old world, they find a world not just foreign and unknown, but hostile to them. But like the legendary Phoenix, through it's ingenuity and unity....

Humanity shall once again rise from the ashes.

Chapters (16)
Comments ( 295 )

You did a lot of hoi 4 inspiration, and if I remember correctly, you still haven't played it. which, my friend, really impresses me. Also, are you sure this Hoi 4 mod is called "Beyond Earth'? because I can't find it anywhere. And at the end, you did very good work, comrade.

I thank you for the kind words, comrade. And the truth is, the mod isn't actually out yet and I've been going off of teaser content from the mod's discord server and reddit.

The link to the reddit is here.

And let's just say that I watch a lot of HOI4 breakthroughs, including TNO and EAW.

The mod is based on Civilization: Beyond Earth, which is a standalone game. Though somehow, I'm not surprised that people forget about it.

this was good. the description of king osas reminded of that meme guy(smiling dude in suit usually accompanied by classical music)
there were a few errors
looking forward to more

Nice job! I am very excited for more of this story!

Can't wait for the next chapter! This is a keeper. Hoping the updates will not take too long.

Please, just please let us have a story like this and continue it 🙏. I just really don't like unfinished stories especially with humans vs ponies. U can take ur time.

I have a feeling this is gonna be a good one

Why would the ponies enslave the humans? Wouldn't they be more likely to befriend them?

Wasn't expecting to see an update to this so soon, nice!

great chapter, didnt expect it to be so early

Humanity theme

Buildings, roads, bridges, everything was devastated in the high floods and intense wind speed reaching as high as 100 MPH, blowing entire buildings away and swirling them up into tornado's that spawned along with the hurricane.

Um, you do realize 100 mph is barely a category 2 hurricane, right? And that’s sustained winds. Gusts are always much higher. :rainbowwild:

Category 5 starts at 157 mph sustained winds, and 2019’s Hurricane Dorian at 185 mph sustained winds/gusts up to 220 mph was actually so bad some people said we needed to extend the scale beyond category 5, since changing climate is going to generate even more of these superstorms.

Dorian itself would have been a low category 6 under the suggested changes, which weren’t actually adopted because officials figured “cat 5 is already pretty much guaranteed to be catastrophic, and we still have people that refuse to get out, so why extend it?” or something. :facehoof:

The only Earthside storm in recorded history that would have reached the suggested category 7 metric (yet!) was Hurricane Patricia in 2015, with up to 215 mph sustained winds. Thankfully it weakened considerably before it made landfall in a pretty rural region of Mexico: I’m sure it sucked if you lived there, but It wasn’t nearly as deadly or destructive as it could have been had that absolute beast of a juggernaut hit a city directly. :pinkiecrazy:

even Russia, America's rival, began to send aid to the tens of millions of people without homes.

POTUS is reported to have considered announcing, “We receive Vladimir Putin’s gift of single moldy potato in spirit of friendship in which it is offered, and reciprocate with return gift of whiskey bottle filled with finest trucker urine in country,” in properly Hollywood-Russian accent style.

Hurricanes began to spawn across the rest of the world ... within the Adriatic Sea

This better be an oddly hamfisted sophisticated alien attack (dropping rocks from deep space would be much simpler, and just as effective) or a catastrophic magical accident bleeding across dimensions, because that’s just not scientifically possible with what we know. :pinkiecrazy:

The global stock market and economy nearly crashed, only being saved by the United Nations stepping in to help control the situation.

Roight-o, guvna! Magic it is! Because that’s only way the UN accomplishes anything! :rainbowlaugh::trollestia:

something strange happened... Something that one would describe as a miracle

Yup, yup, we already saw that foreshadowed... :rainbowlaugh:


... Okay when does the prefatory exposition end and the story begin?


...okay, finally some dialogue, kinda dry and tell-y still, though...





Ah, finally, some Daring Do!


Alrighty then, it’s popsicle humans watched over by an A.I. and not humans evolved into mole men through a million years of living underground. Good. That’s simpler, simple is clean, and lets you get on with the story. Speaking of which...

I hate to say it, and please don’t take this as an attack, I don’t know how much of it isn’t actually your fault but is simply carried over from ill-thought-out lore for the mod you referenced, since I haven’t played it or even read about it, but...

That entire multi-thousand-word exposition dump could have been condensed to a few paragraphs summarizing “humanity had crazy bad shit happen, pulled together and unified, then a magical comet irradiated the entire solar system for a million years (seems like an extremely long time, but maybe that’s from the mod.*shrug*) so humans retreated underground to wait out the danger.”

No need for going into details about impossible weather phenomena, handwaving nuclear catastrophe away with “they cleaned it up,” or any of the other potholes created that instantly trip a reader up with thoughts of, “Wait, what???!” derailing the connection with the narrative (which technically hadn’t really started yet).

Anything relevant to specific characters awakened in this scenario would be better distributed through the story on an as-needed basis, or exposed by a scene later on in which it is told to the ponies, if there’s a detail we really are going to need to know to understand some upcoming event in the story. Otherwise, it’s unnecessary background weeds that don’t actually matter, and that... well, it’s kind of slow reading to slog through.

So, uh...

Tl;dr: Opening the story by diving into irrelevant ancient history isn’t going to hook readers. Cut that expo way shorter and get to the action!




Yeah, what she said! You rock, Daring! :rainbowlaugh::rainbowdetermined2:

Much stronger second chapter.

Mind, I find the loopy AIs odd, but that’s a matter of taste, not writing mechanics. You do you. :twilightsmile:

Though that last tiny bit is kinda a “wtf now?” moment with how flippant it is.

Don’t get me wrong, I was expecting enslaved humans because it’s in the description, but after their mention in chapter 1, I was expecting “degenerate”/devolved humans a la Planet of the Apes, or some other justifiable reason (I still think a million years is awfully long, even with magical radiation... maybe not mole men, since these are clearly descendants of survivors that didn’t join the geologic popsicle club), but I definitely did not expect “historic slavery 2.0 slash animal husbandry, now with added slapstick.” :rainbowderp:

On the positive side, it’s a definite change in tone from most of chapter 1’s expo dump.


"Remember Step 1?"


"Step 2?"


"Step 3?"


"Step 4?"


The humans that didn't enter the bunkers & remained on the surface, where mutilated by the radiation of the comet & now they are not the most intelligent probably.

They most likely act like the Diamond Dogs like the OG MLP.

Yeah, that part could probably use a bit of a re-write, I was a bit rushed in making it. In fact, I think I'd be better off just purging it.

I thank you dearly for the advice and information my friend, and I believe I can agree, cuts are necessary.


Wasn't Felix in shouldn't have enslave humanity?

Well yes, seeing as I am basing this story off of that one. But I made him more original in this one, seeing as Atticus was President at first in the story.

I am liking this a lot better than SHEH so far.

Yes, an update, I can't wait to see what happens next.

I finally found reading worthy material

Also, sorry for being slow, burnout hit hard. Feel free to inform me of any errors.

My man, what do you mean slow, this is a perfectly fine upload schedule. ill say, it might even be too good. feel free to take more time, we shall wait

I do this alot, but it's sapient, not sentient, theirs a difference.

Salter turned around as a smile streaked across her face as she looked at the synthetic solder before her, with his blue optic staring right at her. She stuck out her arm and shook hands with the robot. "Ethan, I wondered when you would show up, how ya been?"

"Pretty well and good, just got a new update to my firmware after waking up, got a couple new memory cores installed, but other than that, nothing really interesting. How about you?"

"Just booted up a few hours ago, ma'am. I was told, in the words of the Admiral, to enjoy the show."

"Well then, you got the best spot to do it." Salter said as she turned around to look at the parade and those cheering it down below. The sight gave her a sense of warmth and happiness. "Things can only get easier from here, eh Ethan?"

Isn't one human and the other robot. I think a line of dialogue is missing

Other than that good chapter

so when is the next this is a great story plz don't canals this story

Hey quick question. Is that symbol from Sid Miers Civilization Beyond?


Step 4 rainfire

"Captain Salter, it's about time I found out where you were."

Salter turned around as a smile streaked across her face as she looked at the synthetic solder before her, with his single blue optic staring right at her. She stuck out her arm and shook hands with the robot. "Ethan, I was wondering when you would show up, how ya been?"

"Yeah... Like Reyes."

YOO infinite warfare

Bout time someone found the reference.

Hello, when is the new chapter?

Interesting story, love the Cod references and characters.

"Heh, get some more people in here and we could have ourselves a right proper party. Names Nigel Wornswood, Combative Engineer and Technician of the Special Air Service Regiment. This big old burly man here is my Russian mate Alexsandr Senaviev, part of the Spetsnaz. Though honestly, I just prefer call him by his code name, Tachanka."


Great chapter so far. Admittedly a little too much info in one go, but i guess it makes sense.
I do hope to finally see some action in the next chapter and the meet up with the pones(And the constant hearing of "Ramirez , hit that mismatch dragon-thing with your support knife and strike the flying horse with this potato. Move! :twilightoops:)

Yeah, could tone down a bit of the info, especially for Nigel. Kinda got carried away with the COD influence. Will try and be more original in the next chapters.

Have no fear, for the next chapter, they shall enter everyone's favorite stand-in for literally hell and meet two specific creatures. Or three if you count Cerberus.

Also known as Tartarus.

Also, good reference. There will be many 'Ramirez!'s heard throughout this story.

Stalin with Da Spoon, is what TheDoctorRet said to me true?

What is true my friend? I did not see the discussion.

Hey its the noob!! Also will the human expedition is coming out of Tarturaus? I was hoping somewhere else. Isn't that like kinda the same with S.H.E.H?

Nice chapter, not a fan of the full details of the equipment but enjoyable all the same, however now I have a question since it has been said that the T.H.O.R station is online it means that the satellite system is preserved and functioning, therefore the cities on the moon are intact and better preserved than those of the earth, so the question is if Luna has found during its 1000 years of exile some bunker doors or more detailed information on what happened to humanity and if it has theories or plans regarding humans seen that cities on the moon being preserved has a better vision of what humans are capable of

"I'll say, ain't nothin' like those ruins we explored last time. Look something Humans would build... But then again, how could humans ever build this?"


Great chapter ANOTHER ONE ! *breaks mug* ........dam it it was my favorite mug....

Oh shit, I forgot about that, better explain.

Update: Explanation added.

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