• Member Since 24th Sep, 2017
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

CommanderApplejack


"Today the enemy will hear the roar of humanity, and they will fear us." -Colonel Akono Menteith, 53rd armor division

T

A solar storm is raging across Equestria, the weather is going wild and magic is going haywire everywhere...
...and three fillies are sneaking through the most recent addition to ponyville, Twilight's crystal castle, looking for cool artifacts.

Unluckily for them, they find what they're looking for.


This is my third story, and second halo crossover, on here and I'm going to attempt writing it in first person, criticism is appreciated since first person is hard.

The cover art is made by Johnjoseco, I colored it in.
Source: derpibooru

Hope you guys enjoy!:twilightsmile:

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 161 )

The cover art is torn between being legitimately cool and fan service.

9382752
Fan service can be legitimately cool, they aren't mutually exclusive.

the chapter is great can't wait for next update

An excellent start. Including Sunset upped the awsomeness for me. Looking forward to more.

Nice work. Though I'm a bit unsure why you added Apple Bloom's accent into her narration. It's a bit off-putting.

This looks like its going somewhere good! Can't wait to see what comes next!

Having AB narrate with her accent is... a struggle. It feels like there are a lot of grammar issues as well because of it. But, I'm looking forward to Sunsets role in this story so I'll be watching and waiting on this for now.

And off we go on a adventure

I’m interested. Haven’t seen anyone toss the CMC alone into the Halo Universe in a while.
The only critique I’d give it is that using accents outside of dialogue or inner thoughts is a bit jarring, and a tad bit annoying.

Otherwise so far it holds up. Didn’t spot any grammatical issues, which with a story that has one chapter is a menial thing but nice to see. Well written so far, a bunch of different website tools are used which is neat too!

“APPLEBLOOM.” I could only shout as the filly was dragged into the portal. Moments later all sound stopped for a moment, my heartbeat rang through my ears while every breath sounded like a strong gust of wind. A small flicker of light escaped from the top of the mirror and before my eyes could blink turned into a magical shockwave which launched me into the nearest pillar.

I would also suggest using an exclamation point instead of a period. I can imagine twilights shouts of monotonous fear and gloom and it fills me with warm fuzzies however I do not believe that’s the feeling you were going for.

9405373
Yeah, I'm probably going to drop the accent in future chapters but that won't come up for a while as the next two chapters will be from Scootaloo's and Sweetie's perspective

I'm just wondering if the cmc will still be ponies in the human world. And if they meet their counterparts.

good chapter can't for the next update i hope the inspiration helps

Glad to see this pop up in my inbox.

9425182
Definitely :twilightsmile: I'm already working on chapter 2


9425245
Hopefully the next one will come a lot sooner :twilightsmile:

I hobbled over to my two friends and helped Scootaloo up on her back legs while Applebloom was giving shooting a glare in her direction, this was incidentally also the first time Scootaloo got the chance Scoots got to study our new bodies, "Sweetie? Where's your horn?"

Uhhhh... bit of repetition going on there. Might want to fix that.

Good chapter other than that though! Just hope you don't leave us on too many cliffhangers.

Good to see you back! Just remember, new speaker new paragraph. Otherwise it starts to get hard to read.

9426170
thanks for the tip, it should be a bit better now :twilightsmile:

Apple Bloom is two words.

Two possebilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying. -Arthur C. Clarke

Reminds me of XCOM EU, good days...

Anyway I like the story so far :twilightsmile:

Commander, you really need to start listening to some of the things that were said in the comment section for Helljumpers. You need to make a new paragraph when a different character is speaking. It melds together and confuses the hell out if people. Espescially when you have several different characters speaking to eachother.

9429047
No two speakers should be sharing a paragraph now, I'll put a post-it reminding myself to check that before uploading the next chapter.

Congrats girls, you're now Helljumpers. Say hi to Buck!

that opening quote is truly, the greatest of lines.

No medical eval in all this time?

9435174
I'll admit I took slight liberties here but that said, hiding any secret from ONI in the Halo universe is nigh impossible. Just ask Benjamin Giraud.

My Halo lore is rusty and outdated but I’m pretty sure humanity never went back to Harvest.

9435525
They actually did, Battlegroup X-RAY under the command of admiral Preston Cole engaged a Covenant battleship on the 1st of March 2526 in the second battle of Harvest losing 13 of his fleet's ships in the process.

Also at the start of Halo Wars Captain Cutter's opening speech contains these lines:

"Captain's report, February 4th, 2531. Five years, five long years. That's how long it took us to get Harvest back... At first it was going well... Then setback after setback... Loss after loss... Made what was going to be a quick and decisive win, Into five years of Hell."
"Of course, that's all Harvest really is today, It's Hell down there, but now it's ours again."

9435537

Halo Wats isn’t a real game. Microsoft made that up to troll RTS fans until Age of Empires 2 HD

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I don't really care much about your opinion of the game, it's irrelevant to the argument. The game still produced valid Halo lore.

9435553

Dead or Alive 4 also produced valid Halo lore. So when are we going to see Apple Bloom kick a SPARTAN into a Warthog?

9435574
During her initial creation she was a non-canon character in the Dead or Alive and Halo series, and does not officially exist within the universes or stories of said series.

Ana looked at us with a bewildered expression on her face, "You three never go out or something?!"

Or anything would be the proper bit

Two more bursts of static came over the radio, the signal Apple Bloom had assigned as attack. Two three shot bursts came from the treeline taking out one of the defending forces, having been thoroughly informed by Sweetie who had the group's night vision equipment as to where our opponents were located. The four of us jumped up and opened fire on the four remaining defenders, Apple Bloom hitting another one of the defending forces with an m45 shotgun. meanwhile, more burst shots from Sweetie's rifle rained down on the three defenders who got out of their shock and started firing back at us only to be cut down by automatic fire from me, Ana, and Andrews.

My lore senses are tingling!

The M45 was a Post war shotgun, they’d be using the M90 CAWS.

S

9435930
I think you mean the m45D while the base M45 is the one Emile used in Halo Reach. vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/halo/images/e/ec/HR_Render_M45.png/revision/latest?cb=20160511104159
And the opening line on the M90's design on Fandom is: The M90 Shotgun is a pump-action, magazine-fed, dual tubular non-detachable type weapon designed from the M45E Tactical Shotgun.

Also fixed that slight error.

9436065
Indeed it appears I was wrong

9436144
I do have to say that I panicked for a bit because I've chosen the weapons very deliberately and was affraid I made a lore mistake :rainbowlaugh:

9435174
I just thought up a reason why that is, so I'll patch that plot hole somewhere in a future chapter :twilightblush:

9436208
Looking forward to the fireworks

They plan on Deserting at the first opportunity to head home Ionce they hit Harvest? I mean Its the impression I'm getting.

If so. They better hope they don't get caught. Most Military's don't take Desertion in war time very well. It tends to end with a lengthy imprisonment at the least and execution at the worst.

9437277
Wartime desertion is punishable by death in essentially every military although it's not always enforced. That little detail might become a problem in the future, won't it? :ajsmug:

well that's a start. I like the idea that solar weather could interfere with magic in general, and the portal in particular. I don't believe I've ever heard that one before.

All in all, I quite like this, a blend of classic CMC-mess-with-something-they-shouldn't-touch, and some fresh innovation. I look forward to seeing where this leads.

Welp i read the other one and now this guess i have to go back to looking at my feed in hope every 12 hours

Well, here they are. Welcome to Harvest girls, you won't be seeing much of it.

Though I wonder, how old do they appear to be? Humans and ponies don't exactly mature at the same rate, but I'm pretty sure that the CMC are in their very early teens, at the latest.

Alright, mid-teens then. Not technically old enough to enlist, but old enough to fake it in the time-honored tradition. Not that the UNSC recruitment officers are looking very hard by this point...

I quite liked the training segment, they've acquired some real competency there. If not loyalty...

Is this a sequel of the other story? I want to know if I have to read that first.

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