• Member Since 25th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Majin Syeekoh


We’ve got dents and we’ve got quirks, but it’s our flaws that make us work.

E
Source

On her way back from the market, Rarity saw the most horrible thing and now has to right this dreadful wrong!


Preread by Rainedash!


Dramatic Reading by scorpion1m!

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 52 )

You know upon seeing the title of this story, your mind instantly went to dirty places. :raritywink:

6324769

My mind IS a dirty place.

Enjoyable story, loved that punch line. ^^

I loved this story! :pinkiesmile: It was perfect and just right in every way.

“I hope you like your new dress, Lyra!”

Lyra winked. “You can count on it! Bon Bon’s going to love tearing this off!”

Ah, they sound like such good friends :trollestia:

Also wow, way to go off your rocker Rarity, again :derpytongue2:

6324780 one of us! One of us!

XD gotta love your work, Making XD

Good show, ol' chap. Good show.

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

6324793
6324817 They are simply the best of friends.:twilightsmile:


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6324779
6324788
6324792 Glad you enjoyed it!

“Nominally, I suppose.” Rarity looked down. “But we’re not friends like you and I are friends.”
“You mean, bes—”
Rarity shoved Applejack, who let out a warm chuckle. “Don’t say it like that. Ponies will get ideas.”

Wow, nice reference to all the lyrabon fans out there.

I saw you had a new story with lots of upvotes, and I was excited!

...and then I downvoted it. :ajsleepy: I think I'm turning into Titanium Dragon.

Since I hate downvoting without commenting, let me do a quick breakdown of the first few paragraphs to explain what got me doing it.

Rarity was quite pleased as she exited the market area with her bounty of Excelsior oranges, each piece of fruit appraised and chosen to meet her specific need. Which was eating them. She did love her oranges, and was most excited to find a vendor selling them this late in the season—the leaves in Ponyville had already blossomed into magnificent chromatic displays. She would not be caught dead without the proper fruit with which to enjoy the wondrous show.

This is overwritten in a lot of spots, enough that I start skimming instead of reading pretty quickly. I can't see any reason for 'quite', 'area', "appraised and", or 'specific' in the first sentence. '[E]xited', 'bounty', and the 'need' phrase are all pretty questionable to me, but I can admit to some stylistic choice there. Second sentence, the leaves blossoming drives me up the wall a bit because mixed metaphors. Third sentence, "would not be caught dead" is awfully cliche and 'wondrous' is very narratively intrusive. If you'd established a stronger Rarity perspective, it might fly as her own attitude, but it's hard to get that deep a perspective this fast in third person.

Rarity spotted Lyra out of the corner of her eye. She moved to wave, but something about Lyra caused her to freeze. Her vitreous orbs literally grew to the size of saucers as she dropped her prize, the oranges spilling out like a foal’s bag of marbles. A neutral frown crossed her face as Lyra approached.

"Vitreous orbs" is straight out of The Eye of Argon. '[L]iterally' feels weird here, because it's either on Definition 1 in which case that's physically strange or it's on Definition 2 in which case you just used 'literally' on Definition 2. '[P]rize' is an unnecessary circumlocution, in the style of LUS. "[T]he oranges spilling out like a foal's bag of marbles" is just slightly off-kilter in terms of construction, since what you mean is that the oranges spilled like marbles from a foal's bag [of marbles]—the bag and the oranges aren't quite the right pair, though they're the pair being compared by the text. I think I know what you're trying to get at with "[a] neutral frown", but it still feels like a self-contradictory construction. I'm guessing you're thinking of a tight-lipped expression?

Lyra smiled. “Hey, Rarity!”

Rarity remained frozen in place.

“You, uh, dropped your oranges. Let me pick those up for you.” Lyra quickly scooped up the oranges and placed them in Rarity’s saddlebag, where they would have originally gone were she not in such a hurry to relocate to her residence. Lyra looked over the shocked mare, whose eye twitched. “You okay?”

Fine, fine, and Lyra's dialogue line is fine. Not much need for 'quickly' or 'originally', and I don't see what we gain by knowing that Rarity would have put the oranges in her saddlebag if she weren't in a hurry. "[R]elocate to her residence" feels like pulling out the thesaurus for its own sake.


Okay, that's my quick hit job. Sorry to be so critical! But given that we're both in the Writeoff group, I'm hoping a slapdash little reaction like this won't be taken too amiss.

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

6324909 No, I accept all forms of criticism. Thank you!

I'll admit I was going for a more purplish prose to more accentuate Rarity's style of thought process. As you pointed out, yes, it's difficult to establish that this is my Rarity's thought process with this little text to work in.

I honestly had no idea that vitreous orbs was from Eye of Argon(never read it), it just seemed sillily purplish enough for Rarity to think it. I do have to point out that pony eyes do get huge, though.:twilightblush:

I suppose you could call this an experiment of testing the waters into a free indirect style that seems to have not worked out for you. That also means it may not work for other people, so thank you for your criticism, it's appreciated!:pinkiehappy:

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I was wondering if you might have been going for that. It's a good thing to try! It's definitely hard to get the balance right, though.

Going first person would probably get you a lot more room to maneuver with the prose, since everyone immediately recognizes that things should be getting filtered through Rarity's perspective. For third person, I think I'd tend to suggest easing into it a little more so you've got more space to establish Rarity's character. I don't know if you've read PoweredByTea, but I think he does a very good job striking the balance in his Rarity stories, if you're curious about what other people have tried.

Anyway, style experiments are awesome and good on you for trying to play around with some Rarity voicing here!

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

6324959 Hm, I guess I'll have to check out PoweredByTea, then. Thanks for the tip.:twilightsmile:

“Don’t say it like that. Ponies will get ideas.”

Too late for that!

Rarity gulped and steeled herself. “Well, Lyra I was just wondering if you’d like a new dress.”

Wait, is this Scootertrix Rarity?

:raritycry: Spikey I require your special talent !
:twilightblush: rub your back?
:raritystarry: No
:twilightsmile: cleaning your boutique?
:duck: no
:twilightblush: gem hunting?
:raritywink: next week
:moustache: wutsup Rares?
:raritywink: this dress. . .
:moustache: another one of your fantasies like the cuff links?
:twilightoops::raritystarry::rainbowhuh::applejackconfused:
:raritywink: just use your claws Spike or burn it with fire this crime against fashion can't go un punished !
:moustache: punished? Can I be the one with the whip this time?
:raritycry::facehoof::derpytongue2: I just don't know what went wrong!?

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

6325023 The ideas, yes.

Also, thanks for the catch!

“You mean, bes—”

Rarity shoved Applejack, who let out a warm chuckle. “Don’t say it like that. Ponies will get ideas.”

BEST FRIENDS

Anyway, excellent work as usual. It was a fun read from start to finish. :twilightsmile:

Lyra winked. “You can count on it! Bon Bon’s going to love tearing this off!”

Well, they are best friends. And now we see why Applejack didn't want Rarity to say the same thing about Rarity and herself, especially in conceptual connection with Lyra. :rainbowlaugh:

6324909

I think I'm turning into Titanium Dragon.

Nuuuu!!! We don't need a Titty D^2 burning things everywhere! One giant metal dragon is more than enough! :raritydespair:

The end sorta fell flat for me it could have ended so much better due to the set-up but the end missed a vital punch to it.

*ugh* It's not white, its Eggshell. No that's not white, that's Cream! For goodness sake, IT'S ALL WHITE! :unsuresweetie:


...sorry, I couldn't resist. :derpytongue2:

I'm not sure why, I just didn't find this that funny. It felt like a few jokes with some background.

Sorry I can't pinpoint anything in particular.

... I should have seen that punchline... coming. :trollestia:

I'll show myself out.

... *faves to the Syeekoh shelf*

I see a new thousand-word vignette by Maijin Syeekoh, and I think to myself this is going to be amazing for reasons I don't understand!

I clicked on it, and I was not disappointed. Well done as usual, good sir.

...Huh. So was Lyra wearing a white dress...

...LESBIAN WEDDING.

Going to love tearing off...:pinkiehappy:

The subtleties in the humour of this story are perfect. Cover pic is great too.
Nice one :raritywink:

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

6327244 they're just BEST FRIENDS.

I don't see what the big whoop is.:derpytongue2:

6328859
Yeah, I don't ship LyraBon...

Sorry shippers...

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

6329559 The fuck box.

A box made entirely of fucks.

But... but I thought Applejack and Rainbow were best friends! :applecry:

6330099 Oh, okay. In that case, you have my attention...:duck::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

i did a drematic read on your fan fic

You barely made the word minimum. Well done.

Majin Syeekoh, as oddball as ever.:rainbowlaugh:

Well, just to offer a countervailing opinion to Bradel, the core gag of Lyra buying a dress _solely_ as a prop to some awesome sex and Rarity not realizing this is the whole _purpose_ the fashion industry, so she has indeed made a dress that perfectly fulfilled its implicit function....

it's even funnier than normal. to the point I chuckled rather than grinned ruefully. (It's a little strained or I'd have had a belly laugh) But the point is, it's creative as always. Which is the main reason I would think anyone would read your stories.

(Which isn't to say any of Bradel's comments are off base, just to not lose a sense of proportion. You succeeded tolerably at the core purpose of entertainment despite those shortcomings. :hoofbump: (but hopefully you'll heed them too))

(I liked vitreous orbs myself because it reminded me of SS&E's style)

I did all that for nothing! sob... Om nom nom. Mmm, sour.

:raritydespair: All that work!
:raritystarry: Wait, I will get paid. Eventually!

I don't ship lyra and bon bon, but I'll give this a like cause it was funny.:twilightsheepish:

This is why you get more information first. On the other hand, maybe she can make some money fixing it.

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

7827469 Most likely, yeah.:rainbowlaugh:

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