- Member Since 25th Dec, 2013
- offline last seen Yesterday
Majin Syeekoh
We’ve got dents and we’ve got quirks, but it’s our flaws that make us work.
Majin Syeekoh
Joined 25th Dec, 2013 ·
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You know upon seeing the title of this story, your mind instantly went to dirty places.
reactionface.info/sites/default/files/imagecache/Node_Page/images/1313684588753.jpg
6324769
My mind IS a dirty place.
Enjoyable story, loved that punch line. ^^
I loved this story!
It was perfect and just right in every way.
Ah, they sound like such good friends
Also wow, way to go off your rocker Rarity, again
6324780 one of us! One of us!
XD gotta love your work, Making XD
Good show, ol' chap. Good show.
6324793
6324817 They are simply the best of friends.
6324800
6324779
6324788
6324792 Glad you enjoyed it!
Wow, nice reference to all the lyrabon fans out there.
I saw you had a new story with lots of upvotes, and I was excited!
...and then I downvoted it.
I think I'm turning into Titanium Dragon.
Since I hate downvoting without commenting, let me do a quick breakdown of the first few paragraphs to explain what got me doing it.
This is overwritten in a lot of spots, enough that I start skimming instead of reading pretty quickly. I can't see any reason for 'quite', 'area', "appraised and", or 'specific' in the first sentence. '[E]xited', 'bounty', and the 'need' phrase are all pretty questionable to me, but I can admit to some stylistic choice there. Second sentence, the leaves blossoming drives me up the wall a bit because mixed metaphors. Third sentence, "would not be caught dead" is awfully cliche and 'wondrous' is very narratively intrusive. If you'd established a stronger Rarity perspective, it might fly as her own attitude, but it's hard to get that deep a perspective this fast in third person.
"Vitreous orbs" is straight out of The Eye of Argon. '[L]iterally' feels weird here, because it's either on Definition 1 in which case that's physically strange or it's on Definition 2 in which case you just used 'literally' on Definition 2. '[P]rize' is an unnecessary circumlocution, in the style of LUS. "[T]he oranges spilling out like a foal's bag of marbles" is just slightly off-kilter in terms of construction, since what you mean is that the oranges spilled like marbles from a foal's bag [of marbles]—the bag and the oranges aren't quite the right pair, though they're the pair being compared by the text. I think I know what you're trying to get at with "[a] neutral frown", but it still feels like a self-contradictory construction. I'm guessing you're thinking of a tight-lipped expression?
Fine, fine, and Lyra's dialogue line is fine. Not much need for 'quickly' or 'originally', and I don't see what we gain by knowing that Rarity would have put the oranges in her saddlebag if she weren't in a hurry. "[R]elocate to her residence" feels like pulling out the thesaurus for its own sake.
Okay, that's my quick hit job. Sorry to be so critical! But given that we're both in the Writeoff group, I'm hoping a slapdash little reaction like this won't be taken too amiss.
6324909 No, I accept all forms of criticism. Thank you!
I'll admit I was going for a more purplish prose to more accentuate Rarity's style of thought process. As you pointed out, yes, it's difficult to establish that this is my Rarity's thought process with this little text to work in.
I honestly had no idea that vitreous orbs was from Eye of Argon(never read it), it just seemed sillily purplish enough for Rarity to think it. I do have to point out that pony eyes do get huge, though.
I suppose you could call this an experiment of testing the waters into a free indirect style that seems to have not worked out for you. That also means it may not work for other people, so thank you for your criticism, it's appreciated!
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I was wondering if you might have been going for that. It's a good thing to try! It's definitely hard to get the balance right, though.
Going first person would probably get you a lot more room to maneuver with the prose, since everyone immediately recognizes that things should be getting filtered through Rarity's perspective. For third person, I think I'd tend to suggest easing into it a little more so you've got more space to establish Rarity's character. I don't know if you've read PoweredByTea, but I think he does a very good job striking the balance in his Rarity stories, if you're curious about what other people have tried.
Anyway, style experiments are awesome and good on you for trying to play around with some Rarity voicing here!
6324959 Hm, I guess I'll have to check out PoweredByTea, then. Thanks for the tip.
Too late for that!
Wait, is this Scootertrix Rarity?
6325023 The ideas, yes.
Also, thanks for the catch!
BEST FRIENDS
Anyway, excellent work as usual. It was a fun read from start to finish.
Well, they are best friends. And now we see why Applejack didn't want Rarity to say the same thing about Rarity and herself, especially in conceptual connection with Lyra.
6324909
Nuuuu!!! We don't need a Titty D^2 burning things everywhere! One giant metal dragon is more than enough!
syeekoh why
The end sorta fell flat for me it could have ended so much better due to the set-up but the end missed a vital punch to it.
*ugh* It's not white, its Eggshell. No that's not white, that's Cream! For goodness sake, IT'S ALL WHITE!
...sorry, I couldn't resist.
I'm not sure why, I just didn't find this that funny. It felt like a few jokes with some background.
Sorry I can't pinpoint anything in particular.
... I should have seen that punchline... coming.
I'll show myself out.
... *faves to the Syeekoh shelf*
I see a new thousand-word vignette by Maijin Syeekoh, and I think to myself this is going to be amazing for reasons I don't understand!
I clicked on it, and I was not disappointed. Well done as usual, good sir.
...Huh. So was Lyra wearing a white dress...
...LESBIAN WEDDING.
Going to love tearing off...
haha, love it!
The subtleties in the humour of this story are perfect. Cover pic is great too.
Nice one
6327244 they're just BEST FRIENDS.
I don't see what the big whoop is.
6328859
Yeah, I don't ship LyraBon...
Sorry shippers...
6324840 HitsTheWhatNow?
6329559 The fuck box.
A box made entirely of fucks.
But... but I thought Applejack and Rainbow were best friends!
6330099 Oh, okay. In that case, you have my attention...
6329565 It sounds beautiful!
i did a drematic read on your fan fic
6359805 Thank you!
You barely made the word minimum. Well done.
Majin Syeekoh, as oddball as ever.
I did all that for nothing! sob... Om nom nom. Mmm, sour.
This is why you get more information first. On the other hand, maybe she can make some money fixing it.
7827469 Most likely, yeah.
Oh my....