My Brother, The Tooth

by Georg

The Tooth, The Whole Tooth, And Nothing But The Tooth

My Brother, The Tooth
~ * ~
In Honor of April Fools Day

---

Streams of brilliant moonlight filled the open field within the Celestial Gardens with a silver so intense it seemed as if it could be collected into pools and sprayed into the fountains that so filled the rest of the gardens. This area seemed different to Twilight Sparkle as she stepped out onto the short-cropped grass and trotted over to Princess Luna, who was standing next to a number of large buckets spread around the otherwise ordinary area.

“Greetings, Twilight Sparkle,” she called out. “I trust your discussion with my sister went well this eve, and that you are prepared to pick out your guards?”

“I told you before,” said Twilight, “I don’t need any guards in Ponyville. I may be a princess now, but Ponyville is a small town, and a bunch of armored guards would just get in the way.” She eyed the buckets sitting in a semicircle around Luna, their contents of small, white objects gleaming in the bright moonlight. “So, what are in the buckets, Princess Luna?”

“Why, your guards, of course.” Luna lifted a few of the white objects out of a nearby bucket and held them up for Twilight’s perusal.

“Teeth?” asked Twilight Sparkle, casting a skeptical eye at the nearly hoof-long sharp objects. “Those aren’t guards.”

“Dragon’s teeth, young one. ‘Tis the way we have ever created Royal Guards for the protection of our lands. We have an agreement with the dragons of the wastelands to collect their discarded young adult teeth, and in return, we provide considerable numbers of gemstones from our mines. It is quite a stable arrangement, and has been in place since ancient times.”

Twilight gave a small laugh. “Oh, that’s ripe. Good one, Your Highness.”

Luna reacted to the laugh with a slight frown, and a narrowing of her brows. “Wouldst thou think I would jape about such a serious subject?”

“No!” Twilight Sparkle took a step backwards with her wings unconsciously flaring out behind her. “It’s just… that’s silly, Princess Luna. I know the guards. I’ve talked to them. They have families.”

With a nod, Luna levitated out some smaller teeth out of another bucket. “Why of course, they do. It ‘twould be most cruel to deprive them of company of their own kind. The smaller infant dragon’s teeth form into quite believable young, and the female adolescent teeth make mares to complete their families.”

Taking Twilight’s astonished expression into account, Luna levitated out two larger teeth from a bucket and strode out into the field. “Your disbelief is obvious by thy expression, young princess. I believe it is correct to say that the proof is in the custard.”

Luna dug two small holes in the dense turf with her magic and dropped the teeth in, then trotted rather rapidly back over to where Twilight was fretting. She lifted her long horn to the night sky, and two beams of brilliant moonlight stabbed down onto the plain grass.

For the longest time, nothing happened.

Then there was a shifting of the ground, a faint hiccup as if a passing chipmunk had sneezed. A trembling around both patches of disturbed earth heaved up the grass, and a flash of white and gold was seen. Then two Royal Guards climbed up out of the raw earth, brushing off the loose dirt and coughing, with a few flaps of their ruffled wings to straighten the feathers.

“You see, Twilight Sparkle,” lectured Luna, seemingly oblivious to the stunned alicorn princess, “incisors are used to create pegasi, molars for earth ponies, and fangs for unicorns. A proper guard contingent for your new castle should be created from as close to identical teeth as possible, but you are in luck. The recent collection efforts among dragonkind have resulted in a plethora of teeth to choose from, and I believe we can match up a full contingent of guards for you that will be just as impressive as the ones we have here in Canterlot.”

“No! No, this can’t be!” said Twilight, pacing back and forth while twitching her wings. “I know they’re all alike in so many ways, but I always thought that was from the armor and the training and… Teeth? How can they be teeth? My brother was a Royal Guard!”

“Oh, yes!” said Luna, reaching into a different bucket and pulling out a huge fang nearly four hooves long. “We have several from that particular dragon. I have held one back for my consort when I have a few centuries to properly train him, but if you wish, you could have this one. He’s a strong unicorn, from the looks of him, and he should serve you well as consort, much as Princess mi Amore Cadenza had claimed hers just before your birth. Admittedly, he may take quite a bit of training in the early years before he can share your bed, but—”

Whatever Luna was about to say was cut off as Twilight Sparkle bolted, wings and hooves flying in all directions as she galloped off towards the castle with a loud cry of, “Princess Celestia!! Princess Celestia!!”

Luna stood in the moonlight, a faint smile crossing her face as the two somewhat dirty Royal Guards approached. “Is that it?” asked the first one.

“Yes, thank you. Your assistance is greatly appreciated. Princess Twilight Sparkle is young and impressionable, and believes far too much what she is told. This day of pranking and jests is indeed a great thing, allowing us to enlighten her to the ways of an alicorn as well as being great fun.” She turned to the guards with a twinkle in her eye. “Did you gentlecolts enjoy your part in our little humorous deception?”

“Yes Ma’am,” said the first guard. “I thought I might suffocate out there underground for a little bit, but your spell worked just the way you said.” A small smile crept onto his face and he continued, “You may consider doing that to the incoming Academy cadet class next year. I’d be more than happy to assist in any way possible.”

“I dont’ know,” said the second guard with just the least bit of a frown. “It was funny, I’ll admit, but where did Princess Twilight Sparkle go?”

“To my sister, of course,” said Princess Luna. “I timed this so that she should have just laid down and turned out the light when Twilight shows up.

“And that, dear sister, is why you don’t take the last piece of cake at dinner,” said Luna, nearly under her breath.

“Very nice,” said the second guard, “but what’s going to happen once Princess Twilight Sparkle tells Princess Celestia about the dragon’s teeth?”

The three of them turned slightly and looked up into the sky at the Royal Towers, and in particular one large, well-lit window with a sun symbol above it that had just gone dark.

There was a flash of blinding violet light that lit the window.

A somewhat flickering glow as the lamp was turned back on.

And then a voice, which unmistakably belonged to the Princess of the Sun.

OUR GUARDS ARE WHAT, TWILIGHT?!

Princess Luna smiled wider. “Celestia will tell her the tooth, of course.”

Comments

[hypervelocity]

I wonder how that conversation started...

Luna: I request the aid of two Guards!
2 Guards: Yes, Highness? What is it you need?
Luna: I need to bury you alive for a little while! :D
Guards: ....

[Asheram]

Oh, Luna.

[Georg]

Staking out as close to the first comment as I could (darned real world interruptions). Enjoy this little slice of what life is like for Equestria's newest princess, a somewhat different approach to her security than Princess Luna did with The Traveling Tutor and the Royal Exam.

Consider the following Royal Sister prank stories also:
My Niece, The Star
On The Natural Rise And Fall of Celestial Bodies

[Jake The Army Guy]

That pun doesn't have much tooth to it. But I must admit to being quite enamelled with this story. The questions brought up about Shining Armor's origin and dentiny are quite nifty, though I think such insults would hurt his fillings. Does he deserve his crown? Of course, he's been around the Princesses for a long time now. He knows the drill.

[King Kenya]

This was very gummy.

[Spectrumancer]

5810142
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff...

[Admiral Biscuit]

New headcanon accepted.

[punzil504]

Clever use of the Greek myth.

[Aotrs Commander]

Pahahahaha!

Nice.

[SongCoyote]

Huzzah! Most excellent! A truly well-crafted prank: in character, funny, nicely timed, and it got more than one victim!

This particular devotee of Coyote approves wholeheartedly (By the moon's acne scars we need a Luna emoji!)

Light and laughter,
SongCoyote

[FanOfMostEverything]

Excellently done, especially with the mythological connection. Happy Gullibility Day.

[Hobbestc]

I could have even seen her going straight to her brother, BBBTF. Hahahaha.

[Misplaced Mage]

5810136 5810343
farm3.static.flickr.com/2607/3973253362_4e28da18b6.jpg

[Flint-Lock]

That explains why so many of them are white.

[Joural]

5810136

... GEORG

YOU CAN COMMENT BEFORE THE STORY IS EVEN POSTED

HOW DID YOU MISS FIRST COMMENT

[dragonjek]

You know, the thing that always gets me about these "go prank Twilight" stories is that pranking Twilight could have terrible consequences. Leaving her questionable mental health aside, she's insanely smart and creative. These are terrible targets to prank because they're really good at returning the favor. Her vengeance would great and terrible.

[Fire Soul]

5810607
Well, that's only if you push her too far. I mean if Luna went overboard then sure, Twilight would probably eventually snap and pull some really ridiculously intricate prank, putting all of her burgeoning mental prowess to work on pulling it off. Then again, Twilight's a very nice, and very forgiving person...so you'd really have to push her hard to that extent.

[TheifofZ]

5810336 A Luna and either a Changeling or a Chrysalis emote, yes. ... We should take up arms, in tooth.

[DannyJ]

Ha! Okay, I'm normally not too fond of "fics" that are really just a single joke with no real story, but for what it is, I liked this. It was a cute idea and it made me giggle. I'll give it a like.

[horizon]

Pffft Nice.

[Lurks-no-More]

Short, sweet and classical. Well done!

[Christs Disciple]

Hilarious!

[Drone_Roelun]

This is definitely the kind of prank I could see Luna pulling. Very enjoyable

[SebasMarolo]

Alright, Luna was praking Twilight, and for that, she buried two living royal guards.

Now, where did she get all those dragon teeth?

[MadMan]

i just laughed so hard, i farted.

[Sigmacipher]

I keep thinking about the Hidden like a mole justu, Tobi, and Naruto's ability to use it in Clash of the Ninja without it being canon.

[Lelouch Vi Britania]

Nice reference to Greek mythology, and a highly entertaining tale!

[71M073J]

Wooooooow *gigglesnort* I liike thish one, printhseshh! :twist:

[EstrellaEssentia]

So funny!!!! At the beginning there you really had me believing your tooth story! It would be hilarious if they actually were though. ;)

[Queen Cookie]

I could see Luna making puns like that at the end

[Piecemeal Pony]

And I almost believed the tooth story, too!

Oooh Lulu, you're going to regret pranking the Element of Magic. If you find yourself at the flank end of the best prank in the history of Equestria, don't come cryin' to me!

Ah yes, the story. Everypony was in character, the flow was nigh on perfect, and the punchline was delivered well.

You earn a like.

[ArguingPizza]

This was great, definitely the best comedy I've read in a long time

[Seether00]

5810142

*Throws bucket of pun rocks at you

[dragonjek]

5810648 No, this one isn't that bad. Some of them, though, make you think that none of the other characters actually know Twilight at all.

[Hoopy McGee]

Dragon's teeth soldiers is one of my favorite old bits of mythology, so I was pretty pleased to see this

[Markos-Estrian]

5811571

......... wait, is that an actual piece of mythology? I'm still trying to figure that bit out. Are you just joking, or is that the whole tooth?

[Asheram]

5811688 It is. Can't really remember what mythos it's from... give me a short wiki moment... Ah, yes. Greek Mythology

[Captain PonySeidon]

5810142 You've got some nerve making all these painful puns Jake, it really impacted some people terribly. Especially since they were all crowded in without any gaps.

I must admit that this story didn't have quite the bite I was looking for. Still I managed to make me crack a smile. Usually I just brush stories like this off. For writing an April Fool's story, about teeth no less, that I enjoyed you deserve a small reward. Perhaps a little plaque? Of course if you don't want it then it's your floss not mine. Inci dentally, when can we expect more works from you Georg? I'm getting tired of just being patient. Of course you've got enough pull to keep us all in retainer for the next time I guess.

[Blitz the Dragon]

Luna Bernanke wants your teeth for the Federal Reserve.

[Jake The Army Guy]

5811778

...

I humbly concede to the master.

[Ytak]

5811688
Oh yeah. Planted dragon's teeth sprouting to become warriors is an old fairy tale. :D

[Kenshinryuu]

I've read the myth enough to recognize where Luna was going as soon as she mentioned the buckets of dragon teeth, so I half expected Shining armor was a baby tooth given to Twilight's parents to raise before Luna revealed it was all a prank. I do have to admit it would be funny to have Luna come back to her room and find a bunch of tied up guards stuffed under or into her pillows.
5811003 She punched out a hundred dragons obviously. She had to get back in shape after a thousand years of sitting on her flank on the moon.

[WanderingPony]

Ah, Luna. Always with the teeth when you're making a good joke.

i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg78/evalana/blog%202/mlpfim_ep3071.png

[farmerguy]

DOHOHOHOHO

[jszellmer]

5811688 It's from the Jason and the Argonauts. Jason has to plow a field of stone, sow it with dragon's teeth and defeat the soldiers that grow from them as one of the tasks to get the Golden Fleece.

5811003 I wouldn't be surprised if there really was some treaty between them and the dragons, getting teeth in return for gemstones. Dragon teeth might be strong enough/made of the right materials to item craft them into something useful. I imagine an elite 'Dragon Guard' that utilize shed dragon's teeth and scales as part of their gear.

[Seether00]

5811778

You.......

*Hurls a whole bucket of pun throw at you

[BlueYoshi]

Luna, you clever bastard.

th08.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2011/139/c/6/princess_luna_awesome_face_by_wakabalasha-d3gos8k.png

[Jake The Army Guy]

5812113

Hey, don't hate on a man because of his life flossify!

[Dark Star2014]

I got a toothache just reading this story. But it did crack a smile on my face.

[Beryllium Bologna]

Princess Luna smiled wider. “Celestia will tell her the tooth, of course.”

i.imgur.com/9IsB2Ka.gif