• Member Since 14th Jul, 2012
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Nothing special here, move along, nothing to see, just ignore the lump under the sheet and the red stuff...



The history of war may be written by the winner, but the Royal Historian is the one who provides the notes and background to the writer. The recent events that some have called ‘Mare Wars’ or ‘The Invasion of the Barracks’ are no exception. The Royal Historian has painstakingly compiled this folder of notes and background material on what should more accurately be called, ‘The Opening of the Guard.’

Please remember to return the folder back to the Royal Historian when you have completed reading, in the event we gather more material that needs to be included.

Musty Pages, Royal Historian

Source for inside photo
Featured on Equestria Daily and the Royal Canterlot Library
With sequel, The Night Guard - Night Mares
And an interview by Benman

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 105 )

Author Notes: Miss Cozy is stolen wholesale from Skywriter's excellent fic Princess Celestia Hates Tea and Chef Ram Sea from Dawnscroll's fic A Slice of Life (which really needs to have the last few chapters done, I've been waiting like *FOREVER*. I've talked to him about it, and he's working on it, so I have to be patient...)
New cover art by ElenaFreckle on DeviantArt. Very nice work.
Approved by EqD Jan 6, 2013 here.

I would like to thank Bad Horse for his assistance in bug-blasting. If you like this one, please go visit his Sisters fic, which was on EqD along with my tagalong In Celestia We Trust - All Others Pay Cash .

Hopefully I can get Concept Art - Captured in Stone approved sometime, it's been bounced twice so far.

Well, this certainly happened.

Why is the cover pic a pillow?

Damn hilarious, as expected from you. It's like looking through some companies email.


You're joking right?:ajbemused:

Well done. I like the patchwork technique you have going here. I also recognize the homages.

A nice light-hearted tale. I do like the 'collected memoranda' style of writing. It's a different way to tell a narrative and it lets you jump from POV to POV without having to tangle up the writing with narrative.

I particularly liked your resigned!Shining Armour. Something tells me that helping look after the filly Twilight was more of a preparation for working with the Princesses than he could ever have imagined. If anything, Twilight, even as a filly, was more the logical and predictable one of the three. :twilightblush:

I like the sound of Mrs. Banehammer already.

We demand more!

For all intensive purposes for tonight, you could be replaced by a statue

It's "all intents and purposes":raritydespair::twilightblush:

1735948 Whoops, let me get out the grammar blaster.

That was the best fix I've read. it must be longer

Lol, that was great. I'm in the presence of a master.

Okay, so you pitched it to Bad Horse in rhyming couplets, and you stole Skywriter's Miss Cozy? I have got to read this now, once I get back to a computer. (Faved so it skips ahead of my eternally growing Read-Later list.)

I love it! :heart: Great job! :pinkiehappy:

I love this style and you are hilarious. :rainbowlaugh:

This totally made my day (and I was in a bad mood too). :yay:

Thank you very much for sharing this with us. :scootangel:

Boredom, immortality and a wicked sense of humor: three great tastes that taste great together.

And where can one procure a set of electric bagpipes?

That was nothing short of comedy genius! I can't wait to see what you come up with next.

VERY interesting format, this was a fascinating and humorous read! :twilightsmile::heart:

That...was...beautiful. :raritystarry:

Congrats on the EQD mention!

ahhh, I love Celestia and Luna sister fics like this.

Had to reread this one when I saw it go up on EQD, and I am glad that I did. Stories like this one that leave you smiling the entire way through are what makes me glad to be a part of the fandom.

You realize, of course, that Chef Ram Sea totally won the bagpipe contest, right? By like, a mile. :pinkiecrazy:

“Let me make this perfectly clear.” Shining Armor sighed, and pressed a hoof to his forehead in concentration. “For all intents and purposes for tonight, you could be replaced by a statue.

I died. From laughter. That is all.

I'll admit, I haven't had fun with a story in some time. We need more of these, this was very well weaved together into enough bits where you can essentially play out each day's events quite vividly between the two sister's little pranks on each other lol

lol at the one point in the story I got to that made me explode in laughter since it just built up to it *just* right! I won't spoil it since it's a mention of things readers are reading about/from anyways :rainbowlaugh: line was well delivered xD

Also, "You must be the guard that didn't bring Luna's paper last time" after a very adorable scene by Luna.

This may be vague'ish, but considering how short this is, I strongly recommend people just sit down and read this without question, It's certainly a very entertaining read xD (I would cry if Luna turned me into a mare, but still it beats being a male cactus I suppose!)

Bwahahaha! I love it! The little bulletins were the perfect balance between forthright and vague to make you imagine just what hijinks must have ensued. The little sprinklings of references and cameos was wonderful as well :twilightsmile:

Y'know, I'd love to see something about the aftermath in the same format... Maybe a few notices from the barracks infirmary about the sudden rise in twisted wings and dislocated jaws after the ladies take their place on the roster and the gents drop one too many lewd comments :rainbowdetermined2:

1728745 I have been inspired by the cover art, I must have a pillowcase just like that one. I wonder how I can make that happen... hmmm. Oh, and great story by the way. Its a definite win in my book.

Now that Princess Cadence has achieved military parity with weaponized pillows you must write another story along this line. PLEASE!!
This is such a refreshing change from the gloom and doom that seems to be the norm lately. More of this variety please.

Very unique and fun way to tell the story.

Woot! Features on Equestria Daily! Way to go!:pinkiehappy:

I can tell by your use of the names "Frazzleberry" and "Ram Sea" that you read a high amount of fics about Celly and Lulu

*Grins* very cute. my onliy issue is the footnotes. When they are at the end of the page but before a whole whack of comments they can be difficult to locate. The best method I've seen is actually to have them at the top of the page since they can easily found (Or in my case, copied to a separate doc :twilightsmile:)

Excellent work. Is there any chance of you continuing or a sequel?

1932240 I have to admit, the thought did cross my mind. Most likely not done in the same style, except maybe an excerpt from a note as each chapter's head. It had occurred to me, that the Canterlot Police might not send their rejects on to the Palace, but might instead be sending their version of Dirty Harriet and Michelle Hammer. That first day at weapons training, might look a little like this:
Trainer: Now lady, I'm going to come at you with this knife, and I want you to--
Mrs. Banehammer: "You haff de right to remain silent, but if you haff any brains, you've going to tell me where you got dot knife, or I'll dislocate your odder shoulder."

I love it! This is the right kind of story to be told this way. I do have to say I didn't see much sense with the whole "no mares" issue, but taboos are arbitrary, so whatever. Great story. :)

Mrs. Banehammer, Sergeant, Homicide
Mrs. Banehammer, Sergeant, Homicide

As in the Imperial Guard super-heavy tank, a varient of the titan-hunting Shadowsword from Warhammer 40k? THAT banehammer? Or just a coincidence?

2034271 Well, they had to name the tank after somebody....

I love that tank. Took out an entire swarm of Tyranid genestealers in one shot, saving my company command squad from a grisly fate of being disemboweled and eaten by 'nids.


I really like your mane writing style.
Very low-key, but the implicatons are hilarious. Who knew immortal alicorns could be such silly ponies?

I find it most interesting that Cadence took the percaution of reinforcing the pillows. It appears all alicorn disputes are settled this way.

Quite the enjoyable read, but the Screwtape writing style may not be the best choice for a comedic work. It feels like you're telling a joke but neglecting the punchline.

All that buildup and no punchline. Argh, so disappointing.


Delightfully charming, and I'm always a fan of abnormal narratives. Worth every minute poured into every word; well done. :twilightsmile:

Loved it, loved it, loved it.
One of those few fics that really has nothing wrong with it at all.

Author Interviewer

This is absolutely my favorite kind of story. :D

Actual comedy. I am smiling.

I would have reversed the mint-related entries for more effect.

Proper Place is an excellent name.


I take back what I said about the mint. Superb follow-through.

Not sure why you suddenly burst into actual prose. That kind of ruined the effect, somewhat.

Still, I don't find many comedies here that actually funny, so HUZZAH! Top marks to you, Georg.


Great story, laughed my ass off. :rainbowlaugh: I need to find more tales of Shining Armor as Guard Captain, dealing with royal shenanigans. Got two, now, but need more.

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