• Member Since 23rd Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen 29 minutes ago

Deep


"A world without friendship is a lonely world indeed."

E
Source

Dash has never been happier now that Scootaloo has her wings and can finally start training for the Wonderbolts. Only problem is, Scootaloo has no intention of joining and now has to tell her sister the truth and risk disappointing her forever.

Pre-read by Manaphy and Stygian359

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 56 )

Awesome story

Alright, just take the like and the fave. Well done.

Great job here.

Awesome story overall, but I'm not very fond of how you ended the story just like that. Not saying it's bad or anything, I'm just not sure what to think of it.

Short, sweet, to the point with just the right amount of build up.

Very well done. :twilightsmile:

Real sweet, or as sweet as sisterly love between two headstrong pegasi can be. Have a like and fav. :twilightsmile:

This did start out well with a satisfiable payoff, well done! :twilightsmile:

The story showed perfect synchronicity between sisters. An excellent job.

Eh, it was a cute and harmless little fic. I really didn't get into the dialogue which felt really forced and rushed, as did the whole premise. If you'd taken your time to actually describe things and not just put all of it into dialogue, it might have worked better.

Entrancing... I like it.

Super rushed ending but great premise.

Very touching -- Slice of Life done perfectly. Bravo :twilightsmile:

It's quick, but good.

You played with a great concept but in my opinion failed to execute it properly. The main issue was with pacing; you did a fine job of quickly establishing the story's intent but the build-up contained too little to allow me to connect with the characters and the ending resolved too quickly. I couldn't really feel for Scootaloo because you gave me no reason to. The breakneck pace of the story, while not bad in its own right, fails to present the depth of emotion I think you were going for with Scootaloo's relationship towards the Wonderbolts and by extension Rainbow Dash.

From looking at your other stories I see that few of them are more than 10k words long. Don't be afraid to break ground on longer more complex stories, to write a lot of words even if at the time it feels like what you're writing is terrible. All great novels started out as shitty first drafts. You'll always have time to edit and cut words out. If you write 100,000 words and then cut out 90,000 of them, odds are it will be better than if you sat down and wrote 10,000 words off the top of your head. Not to say word count is a scale for quality--that's just the power of editing.

"Hey, you're gonna be the best Wonderbolt ever! I'm so proud of you!"

"I don't wanna be a Wonderbolt."

"Oh, ok. Let's go back home."

~~~

There seems to be a whole scene missing here. And the thing is, I can tell where it should be. It should be after that first quote and before the second. What it should be is a scene where we can hear Scootaloo's monologue about not wanting the Wonderbolt life. Which we heard... prior to the first quote. So once Dash said "You're gonna be the best Wonderbolt ever!" We knew exactly what was gonna happen before it actually happened.

What would've been further icing on the cake is if we had gotten a bit of POV from Dash. How does she feel about Scootaloo's supposed "Wonderbolt" ambitions. Maybe she's blind to Scootaloo's plight because she sees herself in her little sister? Maybe she only sees her life as the best life, and doesn't really care (at the start) for what Scootaloo really wants, and it takes her sister crying to make her see.

Overall, good story, poor execution. The concept is well-done enough, however, so I'll give it a thumbs-up.

5483420
5482979

Yeah even while writing this I felt that it was too fast. It's just that I was only intending this to be a one shot. I'll try to not do that with my next stories by actually giving them more than one chapter lol.

Conflict? Drama? Pfft. Who needs those in a highly emotional slice-of-life anyway?

5483515 Yeah only 2.5K , what was stopping you from making it 3 or 4. Hell short stories standards for literature are usually 5K words.

Hmm... the only one word comes to mind when I read this.

"Rushed"

You had some good descriptions and imagery at the beginning, but it pretty much faltered after the line break. Other folks around here have commented on the speed and pacing (see 5482979 5483420 posts). My biggest issue though is the fact that the title itself gives the entire premise away.

In a slice-of-life like this, you need to juggle the internal conflict very carefully. For me, the pay off isn't RESOLVING all the things that are wrong, but DISCOVERING all the things that are wrong. These works are best when used for character growth and exploration of who they are. This fiction does next to nothing in terms of either. We know before reading that Scootaloo doesn't want to be a Wonderbolt and from the first few paragraphs that she is meant to be on a scooter. After those are out of the way, I have to agree with 5483933. It is just a "grab 4 teh feelz" fiction until the credits roll.

This critique also hits a bit close to home for me as I tried the same kind of fiction once before. Not the same premise, but RD was in a leadership role in that one as well. It makes me wonder how many of the same mistakes I made in that one, especially seeing incinerateChicken here with a comment akin to the one he left me.

Side note: Though eye-catching, the cover art is misleading since none of this takes place in the Wonderbolt academy. I can't even tell if RD is a Wonderbolt already. If it was mentioned, The detail didn't impress itself upon me enough to notice, which would be another problem.

That was a very touching one-shot :twilightsmile: well done.

You should've ju-,"but it wasn't long until it turned to a frown,

There needs to be a space after the quotation mark.

If you don't want to be a wonderbolt, then you should be... A lumberjack!

Comment posted by Waltenbook deleted Jan 10th, 2015

The thing she missed the most was her scooter, which was now all but invisible thanks to the clouds.

The sentence after this one said that she was invisible to her friends... shouldn't it be all but visible?

5483933 Come on, man! Don't be so much Con! :applecry:

Too brief, too fast. Not enough detail to savor this. Not enough detail especially when describing the emotional state at the moment.

How did this get featured?

What is Scootaloo's cutie mark supposed to mean? You say straight up that her special talent is scootering, but her mark has absolutely nothing to do with it. The only sense I can make of this is that she's somehow Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash's daughter, since three butterflies and a lightning bolt is the exact kind of cutie mark such a foal would have.

I actually teared up a little there when Scoots did. That was a great story and is so good i thought i was reading an episode.

*Clap clap clap clap* vary good story good sir

I read and favorited for the concept and as it has been featured I assume most people did too (congrats by the way). However, I feel the overall story could benefit from reworking. Just a friendly opinion. :scootangel:

5483515 You don't necessarily need more chapters to dig deeper into the story. Chapters=/=word count=/=quality and depth. If you look at Hemingway's work, he has tons of conflict and emotions lying underneath deceptively simple and curt prose. On the other hand if you look at SS&E, he leaves nothing to the imagination by dedicating hundreds of thousands of words to explaining and framing his meaning.

Here's my tip: don't worry about word count. Write until your feel like your story is done. When it's done, it's done. Doens't matter if it's a thousand words or a hundred thousand words. Thinking along the lines of, "Oh, since this is a short story it has to be short," will yield rushed results, whereas the opposite "Complex stories have to be at least X0,000 words long" leads to lethargy.

I found myself able to empathize with Scootaloo a surprising amount.

This is like something out of the show itself. Amazing.

i loved the story so uplifting you did great really

Good story. Rushed, but good. You've got nothing but good things to build on here!

Keep it up!

5483974

1500 tends to be normal for one-shots around here, and the author intended this to be a one-shot. So he's above the norm already, just needs to expand upon the idea and slow down the pace.

cute and heartfelt

I enjoyed this. This was good. :twilightsmile:

5485517
Because people like you are reading it, and those who like it are liking it? I'm sorry, but the feature box isn't human-operated. The reason why anything ever gets featured is because it's being read enough to.

Dash put her hoof in the filly's mouth, "You can do what? Huh?" She took her hoof out, "Look, if you don't like racing then you don't, it's as simple as that."
"But..."
"But nothing! There's nothin' wrong with not liking racing. I only do it cuz I love it, and so should you!

*CLAPS LOUDLY* WHOO! I was seriously scared this was going to be a fic where Dash was going to be out of character and straight up mean and say that Scootaloo should do what she's good at or something, but it ended way better than that. I've seen fics where characters were forced into doing what "have" to so that people can be proud of them. Thank goodness this wasn't going to be the tragedy I thought it was, and actually turned out extremely good.

Very, very nice work. :pinkiehappy:

A great tale and a great way to tell people to stand up for what they love. :twilightsmile:

Fan-fiction-tastic! Great job man!

I could easily see this becoming a part of the show. :twilightsmile:

We've got alot of training to get through today and there's not a second to lose!

"a lot"

5481766
Heh, I was singing that song today as I cut down willows.

Not bad!

...What? Sorry, but I ain't no professional reviewer, so don't expect any major claims from me (now I just know I messed that sentence up).

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