• Member Since 10th Jul, 2014
  • offline last seen October 6th

ClanCrusher


I write things. Pony things are among the things I write.

Comments ( 423 )

So... how is this different from Twilight's Harem? Like... at all?

4905370
The harem plan was apparently Twilight's idea in this to get a vacation from princesshood. Aside from that, seems identical to me.

:facehoof:

Look, Author, could you de me a favor? Could you just... have one of the girls say no? Just one of the Mane six say, "Sorry Twilight, you know I love you, but I'm just not attracted to mares like that."

Now, yes, I know, that a lot of people's sexualities are more fluid than others. I, myself, am one of them, being attracted to both sexes, depending on the weather, as they say. This is not some kind of homophobic slur. But... there are just as many people, if not more, whose sexuality isn't so fluid, and if you're trying to write a story with actual characters, then...

Look, it's obvious that you're not just trying to write another silly clopfic. I mean hell, you wrote 9K words of lead-in. So if you want to have an actual worthwhile story, be at least a little original. Every one of the countless harem fics on this site end the same way, and you're already skirting with being extremely unoriginal with the comparison the Army Guy made, so please, let just one of her friends say no. If not for the sexuality issue, how about not wanting to mess up their friendship? Or already being in a relationship?

Please?

4905370 It's different because of two things. 1: Twilight actively planted the law among the nobles in order to get a two-year vacation from being a princess. Two: All of her friends are seemingly willing to have her remaining a princess and therefore throwing Twilight's plans into disarray for once. Basically, in this one, she doesn't want to be a princess and cooked up this plan while her friends doesn't know that and blames it on the nobles.

I'm gonna find this one to be fun.

So, how cloppy is this going to be, anyway? I have nothing against clop, but the first chapter implies significant shenanigans, hopefully?

4905455 4905370
How about the fact it's written by a different author? Really, a concept is such a small part of what goes into a story and doesn't even factor into whether it's good or not.

4905660
4905549

Look, yeah, everything has been done in some way, but so far, this shows no signs of standing out among the dozens of harem stories on this site:

Due to some obscure law, Twilight has to find a harem of X number of ponies or she will lose her crown. They will be have to turn over all their possessions to her, have to have an identifying mark labeling them as her property, and have to have sex to make it official, and they have to be open to sex whenever, wherever.

Window dressing might be different, but it's the same story at heart. The bit about Twilight accidentally kicking it off is unique, but that alone isn't enough. So far, this comes across as plain. And it wouldn't surprise me if both Mac and AJ join, and it's all cool because they've always thought about boning each other...

Heh, I look forward to where this will go. It's quite a significant switch up to most of the harem stories out there and as such should be a pretty fun read.

This should be interesting to see another take on Twilight being forced to form a harem. I'm just wondering if that old law has a rather nasty sting to it regarding the status of Twilight Sparkle if she fails to gather her harem in the requisite time frame. Like, maybe herself and those she DID collar becoming property of the Crown until the law can be rewritten or revoked.

Please, do continue this story; I like your writing style.

"The last truly original story was Flatland." Yes, this story's concept is very similar to a bunch of others. But its all in the execution. I think this has enough potential to warrant a favorite.

Ok you have my interest.

Well what do you know, a Twilight who wants a break from being princess... Totally legit.

Of all time. In case you ask, that is from the best harem ever comment.

Hopefully it's different from Twilight's Harem in that it is regularly updated. :twilightsheepish:

Good story, I really enjoyed it.

Been waiting for an update to Twilight's Harem for a while now. This is an excellent substitute. Similar, but not overly so. I look forward to what you do with this. Have a fav and a like.

Wow, I never thought such a subject could be played so... Perfectly tuned to what you are trying to write. I did have one issue regarding the length of rarity's little story. But now that I am thinking about it, it somewhat fits.

I can't wait for more, as I love the concept as well as your writing style. I hope you keep up the work and success finds you.

i am so excited to see how this goes!

4908428
Yeah, read through the story and that's what I was thinking...right down to the author's note.
Lo and behold...but it's definitely written to a different angle, and a complimentary one at that.

Ha, this in and of itself is really clever and pretty funny. great story mate, hope this gets popular.

4905853
4905479
These are all good points.

You know what I would've liked seeing? If the original had been a ploy by Celestia to get the nobles to force her off the throne, as some form of self-castigation for her failures as princess (after she had to banish Luna), or because she felt the crown bear too heavy on her brow when she was all alone. That would've been a good way to explain how Celestia saw through Twilight's gambit so quickly.
Instead, we have the nobles as everything wrong with Equestria again. At least that's what it seems like as of now. Maybe I'll be proven wrong... I wouldn't bet on it, though.

4905370 Twilight is legitimately against it instead of reveling in the enslavement of her fellow ponies and the betrayal of their trust in her as a multi time savior of Equestria?:moustache: Seems like a pretty straight forward and significant difference to me.


Ps. Usually stories with only one chapter go in read later for tracking but... Tracking under favs.:moustache:

4905370 I have a feeling that Twilight is remarkably averse to having a harem this time around. The next chapter will most likely determine whether or not this is just another Twilight's Harem story.:applejackunsure:

“-and your habit of shying away from affectionate contact.”

“I do not!” Her words were caught in her throat as she noticed Luna's sudden smile and almost predatory look.

“Oh really?” Luna stepped forward and Twilight found herself taking a step back. “Then kiss me.” Another step forward and Twilight found her back legs touching against one of the shelves.

“Luna, you can't just ask a pony something like that out of nowhere!”

The lunar mare chuckled as she stepped forward again, her muzzle nearly touching against Twilight's. “I believe my point has been proven, wouldn't you agree?”

No. No she should not.
There is a huge difference between being shy of physical affection and retreating from a spontaneous kiss attempt from somepony you aren't in an even vaguely romantic relationship with.


Look Twilight, this is what you need to do: you have to be the one to put the binding enchantments on the collars. So sabotage the spell. Make something that to anything but the absolute closest examination looks like the slave-enchantment, but that actually does something like... erase libido, cause unconsciousness with arousal, make the pony incorporeal, removes the sense of touch, instills a crippling phobia of having something around their neck, focuses their sexuality on stallions, produces a field that physically repulses alicorns, transforms the wearers into flies, turns the wearer into a statue, freezes the wearer and anypony around them in time for a year or two, causes rapid youthening to foalhood, removes all sexual organs and openings to replace them with magical but nonfunctioning replicas, compels the wearer to constantly dance very quickly (too quickly to have sex), rewrites the wearer's mind to do anything they can think of short of murder to get Twilight off the throne, gives the wearer a screaming, running heart-rending panic at the thought of sex and sexuality, makes everyone who wears it see Celestia's most shameful dreams that she'd do anything to keep anypony from seeing like helping Twilight not be a princess, surrounds the user in magical alicorn-harming electricity, become immune to magic, and/or erase the personality of the pony they have sex with and replace it with a copy of Blueblood's mind.

Any of these should work to hold off the slave-sex-binding-harem thing for some time. Many would give Celestia and Luna a urgent need to do away with the law.
It is interesting, though... in the end, it is still entirely up to Twilight if she does this. Until Celestia and Luna bring up magical coercion (they said the harem pony couldn't be compelled... although if Twilight was, I'd expect her to loophole the hell out of whatever command she's given), she isn't actually forced to accept. And she can use the (quite true) excuse that she isn't willing to make anypony a slave--even if the prospective slave wants it, that is just a sign that they aren't mentally healthy and need psychiatric help (this isn't a comment on bdsm relationships in any way), and that by wanting to surrender their free will for loyalty or princess sex they are demonstrating that they don't have the mental maturity or self-respect needed of a royal consort. Or refuse to have sex with ponies she really doesn't know at all (really, has she ever had a full conversation with the Wonderbolts?)

If bad comes to worse, she can point out that, as she is losing time to maintain her friendships, then she will become incapable of performing as the Princess of Friendship until such time as she has the space in a day to keep a strong, active friendship (and as Princess of Friendship, she's supposed to be an example of friendship--and putting aside friendship is hardly something that should be displayed to the populace, regardless of how necessary it is). And maybe, when she sees that this law isn't going to get her dethroned (will she ever figure out that Celestia's intentionally keeping her on her throne? Just how pissed will Twilight be then?), she could start thinking of other ways to make herself get off the throne, declared incompetent, or legally compelled to stop princessing for at least a few months.

Hm... will Twilight ever snap at Luna for her disturbing interest in getting Twilight sexy times? What will Luna do when she finds out that Twilight is trying to depose herself? When Luna and Celestia also gather their harems, what will Twilight do (I imagine guilt to be involved, or jealousy, or flat-out anger)? What does she do when she realizes that this isn't going to get her dethroned, and has become a great deal of hassle with no reward?
Too many stories have the character quickly surrendering to the increasing pressure for ridiculous amounts of sex with those they hardly--or don't--know, which is really a great disservice to the willpower of the protagonist. I hope there's more than a just token resistance here... I'm deeply curious as to where this might go. It's a comedy, yeah, but those can have actually touching moments, too.

4905370
While at first I would be inclined to agree with you, we've only seen one chapter. There's a lot he could do with this to make it different.
If he will or not, is the question.

4908685 This, guy... Yeah this guy, he knows some good stuff, author guy should listen to him... at least about the thing in that Twilight shouldn't just blindly accept ANY of the sex.

I mean when you have made it a point that Twilight has the same amount of sexual experience as a book for little kids (One of the overly innocent kinds) then you have to USE THAT make her awkward and unwilling to go through with the plan, make her get pissed when she realizes that not only is Celestia trying to 'help' but, has wrangled her friends into doing so as well.

I really hope this is a different take on Twilight's Harem, simply because it would be much more fascinating for the story not to simply devolve into outright depravity and Twilight becoming a crazy nympho. Not that those things aren't fun, but we already have a fic like that. I'd much rather have Twilight stay with her plan the whole way and turn down the vast majority of the... applicants just so we can get more emotional clop that Twilight's Harem.

This looks amusing. And is, so far.

:trollestia:: I always said she needed to get laid anyways.

:twilightoops:

4908648
There is an assumption that you are making: That Celestia was telling the truth about how the law came about.

Also, you don't need "the nobles" to have been the bad guys back then you just need a subset of them willing to allow something like that through and a smaller subset willing to pull such a manoeuvre. Heck, you could even have a number who went in knowing it wouldn't work but thinking that they could use its failure to their advantage, (e.g. getting a loyal son into the harem where he will have the ear of the princess).

Remember that the whole 'jockeying for power' thing really was something most noble families did, (because the ones that didn't generally didn't stay noble families for very long).

This is so stupid that it must be a good read. :twilightsmile: One day i'll have time to go through my read later list.

One. Day.

I think I knlw whats going to happen. The picture for the story is. Twilight getting chased down by the wonderbolts and rainbow dash

Why is there not a second chapter to this yet?

This is fucking amazing.

The description has me laughing already. +1 Like. :rainbowlaugh:

This warrants a thumbs up but i will withhold a favorite because it has similar concept to twilights harem but the laughs it caused definitely a thumbs up

I wonder will the mane 6 be in this story too:moustache:

4908927

And hopefully vice versa as well... :rainbowlaugh:

I was going to make a stink if you didn't credit Twilight's Harem, but you did... so I wont.

I'll keep an eye out to see how this one goes. It's a decidedly different take and I'm looking forward to seeing it continue. The original has seemingly died.

So normally I make it policy to avoid reading most cloppies, (Can I call them cloppies? Well too bad I'm calling them cloppies!) but you know what? I like comedy. I like well written comedy. And this late at night, I am arife with laughter! Well done, I shall mark this down as a fic to continually check upon!

4908725
1 out of a half-dozen or so still increases my good ideas:bad ideas ratio quite a bit.

I loved this whole chapter and I have absolutely nothing whatsoever to complain about.

“I have come at the behest of my sister to instruct thee in the ways of perversion and pony pleasure!”

I lost my shit at this part and just laughed.

This is really well written and i thoroughly enjoyed it.

I did enjoy the story about how they got the spider silk ... but it seemed to kind of take the main story off track. If you'd just used the first section with Rainbow coming to Twilight about sub-standard wonderbolt uniforms and Twilight commissioning Rarity to make them i would have just taken it on faith they did what was necessary and the Wonderbolts would feel compelled to owe them. The cave adventure is good ... great even, it just feels like it belongs in it's own one-off side-story.

looking forward to the rest of this.

4908805
You're absolutely correct—I'm making an assumption. Most hints point in the direction I noted, but we're only in chapter one. I could be wrong, like I said, and if it turns out I am, I'll come forward and admit it.

As for the nobles' quest for power: That wouldn't be so much an issue if every single story didn't set out to make them a cancer upon Equestria. Or almost every, at any rate. The most generous portrayals I remember are in the Lunaverse, where they were "only" mostly corrupt, and This Platinum Crown, which is a commendable effort at giving them an opportunity to show themselves as individuals with different goals.

When was the last time you ever read about a noble doing anything worthwhile or proving loyalty to the princess and have that be acknowledged as having anything to do with his or her position? Other than the occasional HiE adopted by Celestia, that is? I'm curious.

So is this gonna be a straight or lesbian fic?

“I'll tell you when you're older. Much older.

And hopefully invite him to hers. Or at least work with the others to help him start putting his own together.

Ya'll can't tell me this law is real, can ya?”

Ya
_________________

“That idiot ended up with a concussion and a dozen bruised ribs within the first five minutes of that 'date'. Are we really counting that one?”

Wait! What? This needs a story / back story. You can't leave something like that with only a paragraph. We need to see this! Seriously!

__________________________

All in all good fic. I can't wait to see how it progresses. And seriously. We need to see Twilight's FlashLight Date fiasco. So many questions.

4910245 Look on this site for a story called, "The King is Dead, Long Live the Emperor" its nobles have some loyal, and others not, but it is definitely showing nobles with different goals and different reasons for those goals. even the evil ones are evil for a myriad of reasons

So far I love this. Plus, Fwuffy......:rainbowlaugh:

I think the entire story was doing well until the Cave Adventure serves. It felt so out of place and more like a timeskip took place then a flashback, like it happen after as why Twilight is treating her harm well.
In fact the arc would have been better if it was at the end or its very own chapter. Like Rainbow Dash comes in and tell the Wonderbolts the problem and begin to agree the plan. Well most of them except a new recruit who asks, "Why are we agreeing to servetiude." Cue this story and it would feel more in place.

OK, this looks interesting.

I really like this story so far. I had assumed it was going to be a clop fic when I started but it turned out to be a really interesting story, not that clop fics can't also have interesting stories it's just most of them well don't. :pinkiehappy:

Anyway, I'm really interested to see how this is all going to go. I'm really curious to see how Twi handles the um, bonding? How is this all going to effect the Mane 6 as friend and how is Twi's family going to react to this? Lot's of questions I'm really interested in getting answers to. :twilightsmile:

I liked the inclusion of the Spider story, it really made the fic feel like it was happening in a world.

The slave angle raises some very interesting potential to the story as well. Like what that means to each pony and how they feel about t and the question of what happens when Twi doesn't need a harem anymore?

With friends like these, Twilight doesn't need enemies.

I do enjoy stories where Twilight is the unwilling victim of craziness around her and not in control in anyway.

Looks like she tried to be a bit too clever. Like Celestia would ever let her little vacation ticket escape.:trollestia:

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