After being crowned Twilight finds out that she has become a unwilling player in the millenia old powerstruggle of the noble houses. Learning in a quite blunt way that she has to take on a consort. Simply because of a law that states that there must be a royal consort atleast once every 300 years. And not only that, but also that the only nobles themselves can select those of which she can choose them from.
With a ruse she seemed to get a decent choice. However, how will life turn out for the bookish scholar when it turned out that her new bride has been the comfort mare of a spoiled brat ever since getting her cutiemark? And almost equally important. How will the noble react to a 5P:
a pretty pissed purple pony princess?
Coverart by: G_Haze
This could be interesting, but you might want to find additional prereaders.
I am intrigued. I will gently suggest finding another prereader to iron out some of pacing and hunt out the typos, but it has promise. The OC seems interesting enough with some inner feistyness and I'd honestly like Syruptongue to show up again. He seems to be cut from the same cloth as Fancy Pants.
3540224
I`d be lying if i said that fancy was not some sort or basemodel used. But using him would be, well a bit to much of a cliché.
This story has terrible grammar and spelling.
BUT I DON'T CARE!!! WRITE MORE GODS DAMN IT!!!
MORE!!!
this is the first story I have given a like on the first chapter without it being a one-shot so congratulations
Little disappointed that the consort didn't end up being Fluttershy, but still amusing nonetheless. Would've been funny to see one of the friendlier nobles show up with one of Twi's friends.
3540406
Would be a intersting interlude chapter
fimfiction seriously needs to add character tags for Thestrals and Solar Guards... there's enough stories out there that it'd be a good idea.
Also, good story so far ^_^ A few errors here and there, but, it's still pretty good. I eagerly await the next chapter.
3540636
You think that's dark? Man, you don't read darkfics often, do you? That's nothing compared to some of those.
True, it's darker than the original series, but I don't believe it's enough for a dark tag.
No dark tag unless you go into detail about the horrible life of Pleasant Dreams. And even then, only if she is abused in some fasion that would justify it. And judging by the implied happenings, I think you could.
3541099
) and possibly getting a semi-normal life.
I`m not going into that. Otherwise i would have placed the dark tag.
What i am going to do is to make her go through living with Twilight(altough, that could be worth a dark tag alone
This needs to be rated higher, AND WRITE MORE YOU COMMUNIST PIECE OF COMMUNISM!!
This is interesting and I like how Twilight negotiated the problem with the consort... but the grammar and flow of the text is hindering my ability to read it. An example:
Its supposed to be cold and emotionless... which is alright, but there has to be some sort of emotional attachment to what Pleasant Dreams is speaking right? I'd imagine she'd pause before she describe her 'activities' with her master simply due to reflexive social-cultural barriers. Besides the numerous pluralization, capitalization, grammar, think of what Pleasant would first describe or see as important and start from there because the paragraph's ideas tend to run into each other and roll up into something confusing, not to mention some of them don't need to be said and can be used for extra emotional baggage later on when Twilight and Pleasant get to know each other better. Not to mention I think you need to rework her background, I mean parents usually name their babies right after they were born... why is Pleasant being named by the Orphanage people if she was born to parents???
3541298
You raise valid points. I`ll see if i can get that piece written a bit better and will try to look out for it in the future.
As for her being named, i thought i wrote a piece about that.
Foals are scanned for their cutiemark at birth or in the few months after it. I`ll be going into that a bit later if you`d like to.
I believe the names are so apropriate because each pony has a special magic in them that aids them in their talent (see for example Twi`s explaination on spellpower in the first trixie-episode). And in the first few months of their lives this inert magic is powerfull enough that a magically atuned unicorn can , for a lack of a better word, scan the foal by means of devination and give a very acurate estimen on what their talent would lean towards.
Dreams was named differently by her parents due her appearence (batpony) but the scan done by the orphanage allowed them a beter vieuw of her special talentset and was allowed to rename her with a more fitting name.
3541381
Unfortunately there's no canon reason for the two names, or temporary name first thing. If you are saying so, why was none of this mentioned in the Pinkie Pie babysitter episode? Pound Cake and Carrot Cake are less than a month old... yet they have permanent names... I think you should just scrap the initial name and do the scan immediately. Its just less on your plate... not to mention I don't see the necessity to have an initial name given to Pleasant by her parents. NOt saying Sanguine is a bad name, just that as an author, you have to know when to cut and run with what you've got and not overburden the audience with backstory that is somewhat unnecessary.
3541406
I`ll think about it. Always open for suggestions
I'm kinda wondering how this law possibly survived long enough to be remotely applicable for Twilight, unless Celestia passed it 290 years ago and planned to simply force Luna to be the one to take a consort.
You're using the wrong apostrophy for contractions. The correct one goes from bottom left to top right.
You are the first to get a like for one story
Awesome continue
This seems to be off to a good start.
I can't wait to see how things go with Dreams.
3540406
"It was a temporary job?"
"Hay yeah, it is. C'mon. I'm picking you."
"Wait... what... but..."
3541615
Blueblood and Cadence are Celestia's nephew and niece. That doesn't necessarily mean they're Luna's, as consorts she's taken over the centuries would likely have family that would then become attached to her.
I rest my case.
3541615
Celestia probably passed it 298 years ago, and was planning on abolishing it next year...
Or, on another mindset, perhaps she enjoys watching the petty nobles' futile attempts at seduction... it gives her something to laugh about later.
Awesome Story!!
Definitely need another pre-reader. Your dialogue is a bit exposition-heavy, to be honest, and rushed. It feels like two points are sitting there talking at each other in turns rather than two people having a conversation, and there's no pauses for emotion or changing of facial features or body posture.
In short, you're doing a lot of telling and not enough showing.
Why is it a mare?
The hay does that even mean?
3542785
It's a more "polite" way to say sex slave.
3543788
Oh, that makes more sense. They way it was worded I thought there was like, a word missing or something and I was trying to figure out what it said.
Well, there are a lot of I's you haven't capitalised, some spelling mistakes dotted around, and the grammar could do with a bit of work, but the concept is solid, and aside from the issues above (all of which could be easily cleared up by an editor) so is the writing. Tracked and liked.
And now for some entirely unsolicited advice and feedback!
What works:
Pacing - The arc of the chapter is effective and compelling. Problem Arises, solution worked out, solution attempted, solution found; albeit with a light sprinkling of Deus Ex Machina in the form of Syruptongue.
Premise/Story - A complex situation wherein the power behind a title is infringed upon by political structures already in place, a blossoming relationship, and a stalwart Twilight Sparkle collide. Intriguing.
OC - Pleasant Dreams is interesting so far, and an interesting challenge to tackle as a writer.
What needs work:
Pacing - While the rhythm of the chapter is good, the moment to moment writing is clunky. Descriptions and dialogue occur in blocks that are too large. Try cutting down on the length of your paragraphs, increasing the frequency of changes between dialogue, description/exposition, and action, and generally using fewer words for exposition.
Dialogue - There is a bit of the, "Nobody Talks Like That" Syndrome going on. Having the dialogue in large blocks where one character speaks makes it very difficult to establish the rapport (or lack thereof) that makes up an engaging conversation. Think about how people around you talk in day to day life, there are more interruptions, pauses, gestures, body language, random noise, and etc than one might realize.
Mechanics - Extra words, incorrect words, and occasional grammatical error are the biggest offenders. By no means a deal-breaker, but the little things do count for something.
OC - Portraying the lingering effects of her life prior to this chapter in a way that is compelling won't be easy. Doing it in a way that resonates as true will be a struggle.
------------------------------
You've got something intriguing here, albeit a bit raw. Traveler's Blessings on your authorial journey.
More please... ..... ...... ....... Now Please
3541615
its probably a case of her needing the house of lords approval to remove a law and them refusing because of the power it gives them over celestia
3544082>>3542321
Now this is advice i can work with, i`ll try and do better in the next chapter.
3542139
And then sexy makeouts. All the sexy makeouts possible.
3540424
Yes, it would. Or an April Fool's Chapter. Those could always be an idea for later.
3545718
Made up scientificy word
i was laughing the WHOLE second part of the story. I like thisalot.
3541381 Its not often I say this but.... I want more!!!
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw5473-13389047588362.gif
3545235
That's the spirit!
Well. I think this story exists solely as a concept instead of a plan. It's particularly noticeable where you've had Twilight put forward some insane troll logic to make this happen. Your entire goal seems to be: Ship Twilight with a bat pony.
I highly suggest you figure out what else you're going to have happen after, what conflicts you have coming and so on. Then you need to work on sentence structure, spelling, spacing and a whole heap of problems. I'm getting an English as Second Language vibe here.
The single best bit of advice I can give, is use Microsoft Office and listen to the spelling and Grammar check. It's not perfect, but it'll help. GDocs and similar can only help so much. Office can be expensive, but if you look around you might be able to get a volume licence copy from your school/uni/college/work.
The second bit of advice is to slap your current editor, hard. He doesn't deserve that title. Then get a new one.
3548035
Yeah, gotta agree that the editor is a bit off:
or how the words at least is always mashed into the single word "atleast".
I would follow the advice of maybe having an editor that is a bit more attentive and can catch grammar issues along with something that even the mildest spellchecker can figure out.
Other than that I love this story, its concept, especially the way that Twilight used legal troll logic to say "F*** you!" to the nobility. Though if you think about it, in pretty much all law issues that deal with contracts, white-collar crimes, or similar laws it pretty much is all legal troll logic.
Ok listen I know that you think that I'm a bad editor but let me give you these facts:
1. He is Dutch, so already there where a lot of mistakes, with grammar, and spelling.
2. My computer was fucking up with google docs.
3. Almost every word, when I opened the document, was underlined in red.
There I explained myself so... there.
3548224 I personally can only assume that one, or both of them are not native English speakers. Either that, or the author was a non-native English speaker and the editor was new, and thus got knocked for a loop. I know I've seen things over my ability to work with before, and considering my love of 'translating' others gibberish.... well, it's not exactly an easy feat.
3540229
Select a more advanced editor from this group. In this manner you can both help your current editor to learn, and fix your mess of a story. Don't get me wrong, it has a huge amount of potential and I am in no way suggesting you replace your current editor. But your grammar is...... well, the fact that you're still learning English is perfectly clear and this poor fellow isn't entirely up to the task just yet. Still, keep on with this story, and keep working on your English. ^_^
3548711
Sorry if we all are seeming to slam you, those were a few facts not everyone knew, or at least I didn't know. But (at least in my case) I like the story enough to comment. So there a few issues, but it wasn't unreadable as some people are making it sound. Honestly just some hiccups that now that I know the author isn't native speaker are forgivable, especially considering some stories I have read.
3548711
Bad editor... Let me count the ways.
So there, considering the amount of red here. While a post like this is informal, fast, and might not not necessarily require attention to detail, there are standards.
1. It can be difficult, and this is fully understandable. In this situation the onus is primarily on you, the editor. You're supposed to know these things.
2. Technical difficulties are never an excuse. You are offering craftsmanship, and the author is putting his time and effort into your care.
3. It doesn't matter how far back you start, if you take credit for editing then you'd better bring it to a good standard.
This is a bit of a rant, I know. But you here, and on your user page, claim to be an editor and offer your services. Clearly you're claiming something you have no capability of fulfilling.
Cealdra:
Sorry to clutter up your story's comments with this. Congratulations on making the feature box, even if only for a short time. You have a long way to go, especially with writing in another language, but you've made an effort: 6000 words is something to be praised. Good luck, and keep writing.
3548983>>3548827>>3549900
To his defence, you really do not want to see what he had to work with. I`d say its been a 400% improvement from what i achieved myself
I have seen a lot criticize the mistakes and errors so I will not focus on that. I will say that seeing the politics behind this was interesting. The meaning of what you want to convey is there and we get it.
So keep going! This setting you have developed could be fun. Just do not fall into the oc trap of them outshining everything.
3550261
Hate when that happens. A oc needs to be like the other charackters: well balanced with obvious flaws and obvious perks and most of all: original.
I`ve seen it happen myself all to often.
This is awesome, you have my undivided attention with this story, and i hope it goes on till reaches 200000 words
Please continue