• Member Since 28th Oct, 2011
  • offline last seen 55 minutes ago

KnightMysterio


I am the Storm Scribe. Let my words thunder across all creation! Let my imagination rain down and bring life to new worlds and adventures. Above all else, may you enjoy what meager gifts I bring...

Comments ( 1049 )

Oh, I have GOT to see where this is going!!!

Thumbed up and faved for the premise. I could use some laughs.

I always figured that the nobles were the reason why there wasn't democracy there. fuck all you unicorns!!! Democracy is the only way!!!

The weirdest part of this fic is I could see this actually happening. Mainly because ye olden times Nobles tended to set up really obscure barriers to prevent those in power from keeping their power proper. Stuff like this was usually the case as the dialogue between Twilight and her friends proved. (TL;DR Because Nobles are assholes and do what they can to make themselves more powerful. Even if it means taking away power from a Princess, Prince, King, Queen, etc.)

I hope you continue this quickly. It's a very interesting idea, and it seems like these stories never get finished.

..... I want to... But, I'm good.

It makes me, er, curious, but... I'll pass.

Oh who the hell am I kidding? Faved. Tracked. Upvoted.

What the hell have I got into?

~Skeeter The Lurker

“But tell us, what brought this own? An appointment this early isn't like you, Miss Rarity...” Aloe asked.

SPELLING FLUB DETECTED

2359040 Also, yes please, Lyra and Gimli would make great additions to the harem!

All in all, another amazing piece of work, KnightMysterio. Your faithful eternal student, JJ 'Julia Makai' Malcolm, over and out!

Cool premise, but something's bugging me about it... I guess it comes down to characterization feeling a little rushed or bland. At first Twilight seems weirded out by the idea of a harem, but then leaps at Derpy. Derpy's reasons make sense, but I'd like to spend some time with her figuring out if it's what she really wants first. Applejack seems super unemotional about the thought of potentially laying her brother, especially when he seems to be all for it. Stuf like that. It's none of it bad by any means--I'm sure further chapters will expand on stuff--and I really want to see where this goes, but I feel like this chapter would have really benefited from another 1500 words or so. Anyway, just my two cents; good stuff, mind the gap, yadda yadda peace.

I want to like this, but the characterization and pacing are really holding the story back. Twilight needs a harem. I can roll with that. I can even roll with the bisexuality involved. The thing is, everyone is already horny for Twilight or each other, it seems. Everybody is already willing to jump her bones like it's no tomorrow. Big Mac doing so? Why? Why does he consider it so fast? Since when were the Cakes polyamorous? Lotus' crush came in way too fast. I'm not saying this is a bad idea for a story, but slow down. Take your time and build these things up.

Another problem is the characterization, as I said. Twilight goes from zero to rapey in 10 seconds flat. Derpy is going to Twilight out of desperation, and Twilight wishes to have sex with her right there and then? There is no transition between events here. Twilight goes from fearful of loosing her position to exploiting it without a second thought.

I tentatively favorite, but I hope it gets better.

Oh man this is awesome. I'd so go for it if the offer came up. :twilightsmile:

Where's me popcorn?

DAMN YOU, I HAD THIS IDEA. No but seriously, I'll watch this just do see where this goes.

First of all, I want to point out a couple grammar errors. They are only cases of missing words, and I could even let them slide. But I just wanted to point them out. There are only 2 of them...

swirling about walleyed mare's mouth

I believe it's supposed to be "swirling about the walleyed mare's mouth". Although, I suppose it could work without using the word "the".

hearing her brother admit he desired her sexually a tremendous shock

I believe it's supposed to be "hearing her brother admit he desired her sexually was a tremendous shock". I suppose it could work without the word "was". And I could even give it uniqueness. But I just wanted to point that out. As a side note (and is unnecessary), I think you could also add the word "that" to make "hearing her brother admit that he desired her sexually". But that 'that' is unnecessary.

Now for my thoughts on the chapter. I liked it. First of all, I like that each of the ponies have their own reasons for wanting to give themselves to Twilight. Derpy didn't really choose to do this, it was more of an act of desperation. She needed the money and had nowhere else to turn to. And she has "experimented" in college. And not only that, but it was a "failed" experiment, which makes this even more awkward for her. I like that you had Lotus interested in Twilight. And not just that, you didn't make both of them interested, just the one. Although, who knows. Maybe Aloe would be interested too. But just the fact that you only went with one is a good detail. And it shows that even identical twins don't have identical feelings. The Cakes...it almost seems as if this is common place to them. But they want do join because they think it may spice up their marriage. As for Big Macintosh...he's got no restrictions. It's not really Twilight he's interested in, but the idea of being a sex slave in general. Not only that, but he bluntly admits that he has sexual desires for his own sister! If Apple Bloom were old enough, I wonder if he'd feel the same way for her...
Second, when the Cakes told Pinkie to go downstairs to make cupcakes to clear her head, I assume that means they were upstairs (since it's unlikely that Pinkie would talk about that in a public area...then again, that is Pinkie after all). But there was nothing implying that they were upstairs (other than for the secrecy, and the mention of the Cake twins). And since there's no implication that they're upstairs when they tell Pinkie to go downstairs to make cupcakes, Pinkie would be going into the basement to make cupcakes. I think you unintentionally made a reference to the story 'Cupcakes'. Or for all I know, that was intentional.
Thirdly, I suppose I can understand why Twilight's friends would be apprehensive about becoming part of Twilight's harem. But in theory, if they are really just friends, then I don't see why they can't be part of her harem just for the sake of Twilight adding them to the numbers.

I am curious as to what Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash will say...and who they will say it to. Fluttershy does have her animal friends. So I suppose they would listen. But even though they're just animals and not ponies, I don't think Fluttershy could bring herself to talking about that to them. The only other pony I could think she'd talk about this to already knows the situation, and has already did her 'talking to someone'. Fluttershy would often talk with Rarity at the spa. But Rarity and the spa were already done. Then again, who's to say you can't go back there? But what about Rainbow Dash? All she really has to talk to is Tank. So other than a flying turtle, who does Rainbow Dash have to talk to? Maybe a Wonderbolts action figure?

But really, what would they all have to lose? Worse case scenario, they'd be making 900 bits a week. They'd be making more in a week than I would get in a month (assuming bits would be translated into dollars). But seeing how much things cost in Equestria in bits, I'm assuming that a bit is worth allot more than just $1.

Ah...hmm...I don't believe I've seen an idea like this before. Will track. I wanna see where this goes.

Mac and AJ's chat is perfectly done.

AJ's mind is about ready to bluescreen.

It's alright so far. Although, some of the cast come across as vaguely out of character and the pacing feels slightly off. I absolutely love this idea however, so I'll definitely be keeping an eye on this.:moustache:

Why do I get the feeling that 25 will not be the minimum number of Twilight's Harem employee's.

This is great and I cant wait too see more.

so will the twins biological father come into play at all

I like the idea, but the pacing so far has been lightning fast. I'll keep an eye out for the story as it continues though.

Comment posted by Midnight Words deleted Apr 2nd, 2013

Great... now I'm thinking of incest...

Please continue tis story! It seems that every time a unique clopfic pops up, it almost never makes it past the first chapter.:raritycry:

2360373 I have them and they are godt

2363480 That picture is absurdly cute. :D

this gonna be good
tf2chan.net/projects/src/132051635885.gif

by the way Twilight is behaving i bet 10 bits that at some part she would go full galore mistress on the rest of the mane 6 the moment they agree to be part of his harem :rainbowlaugh:
it seems Luna has teached her well :rainbowlaugh:
my sides they hurt from mad man laughter :rainbowlaugh:

can we have an epic multi-harem finale, how funny would it be all three Princesses going full Mistress with all of the ponies :rainbowlaugh: oh god it could be perfect with Spike getting traumatized by going into the room without knowing :rainbowlaugh: holy guacamole has to be last line of the story :rainbowlaugh:

i´ll definitely keep this tracked as a fav
P.S. why do i laugh so much reading clop sometimes :twilightblush:

I'm a little ashamed with myself that I'm liking this story so much...

I don't really know if I like this, I mean Twilight seems to be complete jerk in this.

I mean sure Derpy did want to be a harem member, but does Twilight have to force herself immediately on her like that, it's not very nice at all.

Sure this is a clop story but look at another harem story.

click

Why I liked that one so much is because clop wasn't forced in it all the time and every chapter.

i demand moar of this. I like where its going. Just thinking of the look on AJ's face made like this.

I understand your concern. I am trying something new for me in writing this, so I am well aware this experiment (the fic in its entirety), may fail.

Derpy+wincest+cakes (not the twins yet)+the rest of the main 6? THIS IS AWESOME:rainbowwild::pinkiehappy::eeyup::pinkiehappy::moustache:

Interesting idea, a variant of which I had been considering myself, but...

Nearly everyone is out of character. Especially Twilight. She goes from "I don't want to ruin our friendship" to "I will fuck your brains out" almost instantaneously. Very jarring. The absolute disregard she holds for Derpy... Power goes to your head, yes, but there is no build up to it at all. It's like she's a completely different character.

Derpy's only doing it for the money, and that she trusts Twilight, and the first thing Twilight does is have sex with her whilst she is clearly still uncomfortable with it.

Also, those scene breaks are as annoying as hell. What's wrong with three dashes in the centre of the page, like this:

---

2363480

Nice picture and quite accurate actually I was in a hurry.
Fixed now tx.

Oh wow the premises of this! :rainbowlaugh:
Keep going! :yay:

2364816
Not a problem. Honestly, when I saw that you had replied, I expected an indignant and poorly worded rant against myself and grammar nazis as a whole. That tends to happen most times I post such things online. Glad to see that you're not one of those idiots.

Pretty good chapter, but a bit fast for each character. Derpy's reasons are good, the Cakes' is good (because of other fics I've seen (not read) , I can actually imagine this...) but the rest are just...ehh...favorite and like, and I know you can do better! Just slow down, you'll be fine.

This is hilarius yet at the same time my mind has gone to mush.:pinkiecrazy:

So, Derpy, Big Mac, Lotus, Mr and Mrs.Cake, and the Mane 6 minus one.

1+1+1+1+2+5 (counting on limb digits) =11
25-11=14

At this rate there are pnly two or three chapters left.:fluttercry::pinkiegasp: I am curiouse as to how you will extend this.

Im not espassally in to clop fic, but i'm willing to get this story a shot. make it count!

Before I really get into the story, please tell me there will be no foalclop. Keep Spike, the CMC and other foals (this includes Dinky) please out of the harem. But I encourage light-shipping between them.
Certainly when I think about the ages the CMC and Spike have a year after the coronation. Spike is in my fanon 15/16 years old, the CMC and their classmates are 13/14 years old. Excactly the age where crushes start...
But I can't wait for the next part of the story. It surprised me you seperated Aloe and Lotus, most writers use them almost like they are 1 character. I don't say it's a bad thing, it only surprised me.
But now a "short" list of possible members. I expect the harem will be bigger than the needed 25:
Trixie (everybrony loves Twixie!), Discord, Flim or/and Flam, Fancypants or/and Fleur de Lis, the Wondebolts (but maybe they are already part of Celly's harem), Mayor Mare, Cheerilee, Joe (please!), Zecora, Cloud Kicker (but only the fanon version), Octavia, BonBon, Lyra, Vinyl and Snowflake.

Well, where do I have to go to join?

Then again, that might not having anything to do with it,

wat:rainbowhuh:
I'd guess that's "might not have anything"
:twilightsheepish:

Well now, It started off nicely, and then ends with some incest talk:rainbowderp:
Uh huh...

Not sure if, since it's stated as "25 individuals", there will be other species involved... though I can only think of Zecora, Little Strongheart & Gilda in the age-range.

I'd assume the 20+ other members will come from Ponyville for the most part, since news of the harem seems to be coming through the other mane 6. Of course there still the possibility of Twi just swooping down on potential candidates in other places like a bird of prey:twilightblush:

This. This is glorious. Continue it! For Great Justice, continue it, man!

Applejack shivered softly. “Big Macintosh... ah'm still considering it m'self... If ah say yes, and you say yes... Twilight'd be well within her rights to have the two of us make out... Are you sayin' that you'd have sex with y'own sister if it came to that? Stick it in me fully, cum inside me?”

Big Macintosh, ever stoic, just nodded. “Eeyup,” he said, without a trace of hesitation.

Applejack's jaw dropped. I laughed so that I almost fell off my chair :pinkiehappy:

Interesting idea. Now I must see more

2364246 yes Twilight does seem to be a complete jerk, but there is a potential reason. the following are pieces of information from the story and inferences I have made based upon said information.

There's some old, obscure law that the nobles brought up.
The nobles figured out a loophole to prevent you from doing that...
There's gotta be a way around this!
There isn't...

the preceding are four pieces of information taken from dialogue that when added up, bring me to inference number one: there is a legal contract that must be signed by all members of the harem. this is supported by the following paragraph.

Twilight sighed. “You would be legally not allowed to turn down my romantic or sexual advances should I make them, even in public,” she said. “You'd be allowed to keep your businesses, possessions, and homes, but legally, they'd all belong to me. You'd be given a weekly payment of nine hundred bits a week, and... and if I asked for a 'personal show,' which basically means if I asked two or more of you to make out with each other, you'd have to do so. Effectively, you'd belong to me completely...”

Twilight blushed. “I... thank you, Derpy. I need to hear things like that sometimes...” she said, smiling. “But... a couple more questions...” She took a deep breath, and asked,“First... are you even into mares?”
Derpy hesitated a long moment, and shrugged. “I... I experimented a few times in college...” she said. “It's been a while, but you never know until you try.”
Twilight nodded. She supposed she could accept that.
Derpy took a long sip of her tea. “So... I guess that's it. I'm yours,” she said, bowing again.
Twilight nodded. “Well... not quite...” she said.

The preceding exchange leads me to inferences two through four: inference number two; Derpy is hesitant with the idea of being a sex slave, but she is desperate enough to say yes. Inference number three; Derpy doesn't know if she likes sleeping with mares. Inference number four; Twilight has inferred inferences two and three.

taking all four preceding inferences we can safely make a fifth inference: that what Twilight is doing, while being borderline rape, is meant to make sure that Derpy is somewhere between 75% and 100% sure that she can live as a sex slave before Derby has passed the point of no return, i.e. signed the contract.

Please note that this is, at best, pure guesswork based upon a canon information acquired from the story.

PS your link takes us to a story about a herd centered around Twilight, not a harem. there is a difference, that difference is a herd is that type of polygamy, and a harem is a bunch of animate property used for the pleasuring of the owner of said property. Please note I have not read the story, only the descriptions. so I might be completely and utterly wrong, therefore making an ass of myself.

2367550 My story will contain no Foalclop at all. Some places I will not go.

2364604

There is a reason behind Twilight's behavior.

Not the original reason, but your comment gave me a new idea on where to take this.

Login or register to comment