• Member Since 19th Mar, 2012
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Quoth the raven: "CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW" (Patreon)


Lyra Heartstrings, who is not exactly the most responsible adult out there, is driving a train. A train with no brakes, on fire, full of orphans, which is approaching a broken bridge at terminal velocity.

Hmm. Well, at least things can't get worse.

Fair warning: Dark humor ahoy, guys. Horrible things played for laughs.

Proofread by:

Octavia Harmony

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 111 )

I am going to hell for laughing to this so much

4263401 Am I going to hell for being involved in the creation of it?

Regardless of what I said as my final judgement, that Bon Bon Voyage pun will forever be the best-worst fandom of this fandom for me.

4263557 probably just a different level of it


You heartless monster.

4263578 never said I wasn't

I would love to do a dramatic reading of this, but unfortunately, my parents monitor my YouTube account, and I'm pretty sure they'd ground me for a month for posting a story like this.

4263562 Well, in Aragon's defense, it was a Bona fide pun.

4263605 Huh. I wouldn't mind seeing that, but it would probably be disrespectful, seeing how... uh... Aragon-like this story is.

This is brilliant. Also, if you drink the blood of the orphans you can survive long enough to get to civilization again (I guess). Or eat them altogether.

This idea must be from Toy Story 3.:pinkiecrazy:

I wrote "fandom of this fandom" when I meant to say "pun of this fandom". I really am sick, aren't I? *sneezes* *snot everywhere* *can't see phone keyboard anymore* Yep.

ALL ABOARD! AHAHAHAHA!!! :pinkiecrazy:

I had to block out my rational mind in order to enjoy this story properly. There was the nagging feeling that I was laughing over the misery of orphans in the back of my head... Oh well, we're all going to hell anyway. :pinkiecrazy:

This reminded me of a much darker version of Ponies with Hats. Anyone?

Oh and...

“Yes, sure. With my magic anti-fire powers.”

Oh my fucking god. :rainbowlaugh:

:flutterrage:LYRA HEARTSTRINGS!!

"Why do you have so many kittens in here anyway?!”
“They’re our only friends!”

brb, loling forever

Lyyyrrrraa. Setting Orphans on fire is looked down upon in society.


Celestia damn it. I feel like I'm going to go to hell for laughing at this...

Sequal... Pleeeeeeaaase? :fluttershysad::heart:

I don't know why, but this feels appropriate. Perhaps both Lyra's mutual disregard for the sanctity of life?

Oh, Lyra, you adorable sociopath. :twilightsmile:

I'd have burned the orphans, too, to be honest.

This is the best line in anything ever:

“Okay,” Lyra said, putting the phone against her ear again, “so I threw an orphan into the firebox and asked him to look for a switch, but he wasn’t exactly helpful.”

The title is the best thing of this fic.

It is glorious


This is bizarrely awesome.

Soo, when's the sequel?

Bahahahaha! I'm gonna go to hell for this! :rainbowlaugh:

Roll it Voltaire

This is wrong on so many different levels, it's right.
Please write a sequel. Please.

It is wrong for me to laugh so much at this. Why am I laughing so much?

Okay,” Lyra said, putting the phone against her ear again, “so I threw an orphan into the firebox and asked him to look for a switch, but he wasn’t exactly helpful.

I fucking fell out of my chair hit my head on my desc and laughed my ass off so hard

Life is pretty cool sometimes.

Two things:

1. This is some of purest crack I've ever read, and I mean that as a compliment.

2. Congratulations, you have succeeded in creating a protagonist that makes Hannibal "the cannibal" Lecter look sympathetic. :pinkiecrazy:

Genius. I laughed from top to bottom.

This was so goddamn dark but I couldn't stop laughing at it...does that make me a horrible person?

I never read dark pony tales, but this one has changed my mind...it's one of the funniest stories I've ever read!

Hm. Why hasn't this been featured yet? Everyone needs to experience this.

4263401 *Still giggling manically* Don't worry buddy, I apparently will be joining ya on that bullet train to Hell.

that was too funny for something so dark



“Bon Bon no-surname,” Lyra interrupted, “shut up.”

Hmm, I just posted a chapter where I figured out that the second "Bon" is her surname...

“Okay,” Lyra said, putting the phone against her ear again, “so I threw an orphan into the firebox and asked him to look for a switch, but he wasn’t exactly helpful.”


Oh my fucking god, that was one of the funniest things I have read in ages. :rainbowlaugh:


This. This is probably the best out-of-context line in history. Just, my god. Imagine standing in public and screaming that into a cell phone.

Reading this is like getting your dick sucked by a randy virgin Valkyrie made of rainbows and vibrations.

you know ? I would be reasonably butt hurt if even a shred of my innocence remained. like literally an atom of innocence. but since I don't all I feel is an achy emptiness that pulsated with every word I read of this fic. so yeah if you have any remorse I would like an apology I think that would go a long way for healing my soul. I am totally serious by the way, I think I am going to start crying so I could really use a hug and an apolagy. let me clarify. I am not joking in any way my soul stopped aching so I am not going to cry anymore but I would really like a hug.

Best Fanfic 2014 calling it now.


This . . . is . . . marvelous. Simply, divine.

So... this is what passes for humor these days.

It lacks all the wit that made the dark humor of "Monty Python" funny. It's nothing more than a series of absurdities.

I now see how movies like "A Haunted House 2" keep getting made.


There is a "Haunted House 2"? Huh. Y'know, I actually didn't know that. Clearly that knowledge shall prove iself useful soon.

In all seriousness now, dude, I had a lot of stuff in mind while writing this, and Monty Python wasn't one of them. That's amazing humor, but it's not the only kind of humor that exists, y'know. I don't need to try to go 'Life of Brian' in a fic about killing orphans. Insert talk about subjectiveness, yaddah yaddah, we all know how this goes, insert emoticon of crazy Pinkie here.


The fact that you posted such a comment and waited a bunch of hours to favorite it makes me think that you made that comparison, then went on with your day, then you had some kind of crazy fellatio extravaganza, then you came back here and thought "hey, to be honest, prismatic shaking nordic she-warriors aren't that bad." And only then you saw this was worthy of being featured.

What an interesting life you must have, man.

4277973 There is a difference between humor and simply throwing random crap on a page.

This might pass for funny in a middle school lunchroom amongst a group of limited adolescents who still find such things as 'The Ghost of Genie Meanie' funny because the ghost steals people's balls and is finally opposed by Santa Claus who declares, "Well I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past, you touch my balls, I'll kick yer ass!"

Ok... that's actually still a little funny...

But anyway, there needs to be a punchline SOMEWHERE, a theme poking fun at something real, or at the very least a sense of the surreal to generate the humor. Otherwise, it's just pointless nonsense.

I have to wonder, would it have been funny to all had it been a train of gays... spouting stereotypical things like, "Oh my god, I'm totally FLAMING now!" as Lyra throws them into the furnace...

*evil smile* Heh heh heh... HA HA HA HA!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"

Time for something severely politically incorrect. :trollestia::trollestia::trollestia::trollestia:

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