Sleep. Sweet, sweet sleep. Succulent dreams in a creamy sauce of tiredness atop a sea of snoozing. Celestia was so enthralled with her sleep that she didn’t stir nor move a muscle. Her breathing was calm and her mind at ease, and all it took was slumbering deep into the unconscious mind that she had neglected for so long.
Mostly with alcohol, but still, she was enjoying it now.
It was during these slumbering hours that her subconscious state noticed something strange. Her bed was quite large—that was generally a rule when you were royalty and had tons of money—and usually she had plenty of room to stretch out. But this time, there was someone… else. Right beside her. Breathing heavily.
And then she felt fangs on her neck.
“THAT’S MY PURSE! I DON’T KNOW YOU!” Then on instinct she bucked the rude bedroom invader right in the nuts.
Her perpetrator instantly cried out and rolled off the bed screaming in pain. “One ball busted! Two balls busted! Ahhh, the entire thing is now a big, red zerooooo!”
“The hell?” Celestia lighted her horn, illuminating the entire room with her magic. Checking over the bed, there the invader laid, clutching his man-parts with his purple hands. “What the heck are you? And why are you in my room?”
“I’m Count von—motherfucking Christ my balls—Count!” the Count said, raising a hand in self-defense for his shattered family jewels. He was short, stocky, and purple all over. His outfit was a dark cloak with a monocle, all of which fit with the overall creepy vibe he was giving off with his close-cropped hair and really unattractive goatee.
Celestia hopped out of her bed and glared at him for several seconds, all while the Count muttered numbers and curses under his breath while clutching his nuts. Then, Celestia raised a hoof and hit him once again in the balls, a low-blow if anything else.
The Count screamed with a girlish shrieked and rolled on the floor, tears streaming down his long beak of a nose. “Fucking-fucker-fucked! Not once, but twice! Two! My balls are now dust!”
“You never did say why you were in my bed, Count von Cunt,” Celestia replied shortly, raising her hoof once again. “Now see, normally I’m nice...ish. But not when a creep sneaks into my bed and tries to suck my neck. You have to buy me dinner first before that happens. Now…” Celestia feinted a strike, making the Count flinch like an abused puppy, “why were you in my room?”
“F-f-four—wait, no—for a date!” the Count blubbered.
“But I’m already dating Dracula… at the moment. Which I think might actually work. Besides, I never agreed to a date with you on the dating site.”
The Count blinked. “What? Didn’t you hear?”
Celestia arched a brow with a deadpan look.
The Count got unsteadily to his feet, still hunched over. Whether this was because of the vampire cliche or extreme pain in his groin region was yet to be known.
“Dracula is dead. Well, at least the one you were with. There’s one, two, three, four, five—”
“I’m going to hit you again.”
“Over five hundred different Dracula’s flying around out there!” The Count rubbed his nutsack and grimaced. “And the one who bested the one you dated is now the head honcho of the counts. Numero uno. The big cheese, with exactly—”
Celestia threw a punch, forcing the Count to duck and cower on the floor.
“A-anyway, he’s in charge now, and has decreed it open season on you!”
“Open season?” Celestia gritted her teeth and sighed. “Why do I know that sounds like a bad thing?”
“Well, usually open season is a term used to describe the beginning of hunt—”
“Do I need to break your balls a third time tonight?”
The Count shook his head and held his hands together in a desperate plea. “No, no, no, no, not at all! Once was nice, twice was alright! I beg of you, no more pain tonight!”
“Fine.”
Celestia picked up the Count with her magic, particularly around his neck region, and squeezed tight. Bringing him to eye-level, she sneered at him.
“You never did answer my question, you know.” Celestia added more strength to the magic squeezing, turning the Count a deeper shade of purple around the cheeks. “Why were you in my bed, about to snack on my neck?”
“I’m… a registered sex offender into some really creepy stuff.”
Celestia rubbed her brow and sighed loudly. “Of course, of course. Do you happen to know who exactly the new head honcho count is?”
The Count laughed, though much weaker audibly since his neck was close to breaking in half because of the pressure of Celestia’s magic. “Ha! Sorry to say, Princess, but the worse you can do is kill me. The guy I know won’t kill me. In fact, he’d slice and dice me individually into small pieces and then put me back together again one by two by three by four by five by six by seven by eight by—”
Celestia upped the power on her magic, turning the Count’s head blue.
“Argh! Wait! I-I-I do know he’ll appear sometime tonight! Probably with everyone else, just to enjoy the bloodshed!”
Celestia frowned and lessened her hold on the Count’s trachea.
“Exactly how many vampires know about this?” When the Count opened his mouth, Celestia added, “And I swear if you start counting again I’ll throw you out a window.”
“Every vampire on the site. Which, I might add, is a number so high even I can’t count it all. Most likely an entire army is converging here for your blood! And maybe some coffee and a chance to talk. But most likely blood!”
“Great, just great.” Celestia eyed the Count for a moment and turned her muzzle away in disgust. “Just my luck a gross one appeared here first.”
“Well, I did have a car. The Countmobile!” The Count wiggled his bushy brows and licked his fangs. “I could… show you it.”
“Why don’t you get it started for me?” Celestia said. “I’m a bit busy at the moment dealing with a vampire army.”
This was followed by her throwing the Count out the window of her room, with him falling all the way out of her tower screaming distantly, “I caaaaaaaaaaan’t flyyyyyyyyy—”
KER-PLUNK!
“MY BALLS! AGAIN! THRICE!”
No comment.
If this fic could talk it would probably say:
It lives!
5541348 No comment on your comment. Too perfect.
That was rather hilarious.
...was that supposed to be the Count from Sesame Street?
And the Count is alone once more, with no one to count but himself.
Not a fan of the Muppets, I'd assume then, from that portrail...
I had a great deal of difficulty believing this character was Count von Count, personally. Which I think this makes this one of the weaker chapters of this story, I'm afraid to say. Sorry.
Oh boy, you're really going through with all that stuff you mentioned on skype? Well, in that case:
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Poor Count. One! One horrible evening!
Ah ah ah ah ah ah!
THAT WAS MY FAVORITE THING FROM KING OF THE HILL (tied with pocket sand, of course).
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Please tell me we're finally going to get the Hellsing Alucard chapter.
Great, just when I run out of garlic, too....
5541625 dangit bobbeh
that boy aint right ah tell you hwat
Nice bit with the Count. Could you please do a chapter with Achmed the Dead Terrorist?
WE NEED ALUCARD!!!!!!!
Oh my god, this is still a thing.
You should do Aku from samurai jack. That would be hilarious.
Obligatory:
finally we get some vampire slaying action.
5541469 Yes. That was the counting Count. Counting the fragments of his poor, shattered, devastated, probably sterile stones.
Men, with me. We shall share this pain that it be lessened. (Oh wait. None of us liked him anyway. Let the creepy bastard suffer)
5542562
...this is the Count from Sesame Street?
...my poor childhood...what have you done to it?
Has Sheogorath been done yet?
5542605
Indeed he has.
Oh my god vampires verses a pissed off sun goddess....those poor bastards
Still want to see a "blue ending" Shepard chapter.
IT RETURNS!
5541461
Thank you, thank you.
............. what does Discord need money for?
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5543099 TAKE ALL OF MY YES!!!
5542577 Well, most of your childhood memories have been taken, chained up, and whipped. Some of them liked it.
For some reason my balls hurt.
Okay, now for my next immortal recommendation:
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Just TRY to kill this asshole. Go ahead.
Now, anyways, I expect to see Solaire and Deadpool utilizing all of their skills together in order to best this vampire army. Vampires are traditionally weak to sunlight, which means Solaire's miracles and magic are going to make this be a breeze. I await the carnage.
If it is the Crimson Fucker, I will hug you. And never let go.
Are then dragons in Skyrim immortal?
My suggestions:
Jason Voorhees
Connor MacLeod
The Master (Manos: The Hands of Fate)
Phil Connors (in that time loop, he was immortal)
Oh hey, this has started up again! And it's vampires against the sun.
Yeah, this won't end at all well for anyone involved.
Celestia needs to date Arceus. Please, make it happen!
5545115 Feel free to write a guest chapter for that date yourself.
5546216 Thanks.
5546290 me? On this fic? I'm hardly an author. But I won't deny your offer yet...
Are we counting Dota heroes immortal? At the very least, is Roshan immortal? (As he does hold the Aegis of the Immortal, said to grant immortality to anyone who holds it.) I like the idea of Celly chilling with that cthulhu, cyclops, giant monster thing and then having Nightstalker (if you wanted it for you vamp arc) or other heroes showing up.
Or lesbian vengeful spirit action. That's popular I think.
got vampire problems?
call in Alexander Anderson( preferably the
abridged version)
5547872 That comment is great. The church approves of this.
Though I do hope you've excelled past having little Timmy glued to your crotch. You guys do need to make some progress.
5550519
why, thank you
honestly, if he does come into this, and is anything like he is from the sbridged series, then I think we're all going to have a lovely time, and a lot of fucking fun
________________
5547196
Zeus bro, he gave up immortalty for this horsey
Vampires Ahoy!
Heres to hoping for Alucard!
It lives and it has me in tears of laughter. I am laughing so hard, my auto correct is fixing 90% of this comment.
She's got a vampire problem? Aaaaaaaaaaand... cue the Winchesters!
Just a touch sorry to see this interpretation of the guy. (Yes, I know about the deconstructive noir-ish audio series whose author, as I understand things, would these days prefer names or links not be provided. I'm okay with it. And sure, he'd fit right in there.) While I think it's more by creative accident than deliberate planning, I think he managed to be the only Muppet with multiple girl/boy/thingfriends (I think up to five at once) who never had any blowups over it, and I've preferred to believe it's because he was actually a really good friend or date to them. ...Still, if there are around five hundred Draculas at the moment Celestia could simply have met precisely the wrong Count von Count.
...If we're on a vampire jag I'd be tempted to suggest Evangeline Athanasia Katerina McDowell (and there are certainly things implicit there Celestia would have trouble looking past and provide comedic reactions to), except I can neither think of any reason she'd especially want to date Celestia nor any believable way the parties involved could trick or coerce both sides of the date into it happening.
If we're allowing both parties to be shanghaied into it, though, I can think of a good one for scarring all but the perpetrators. And a theological reason for them to want to see the date happen. Oversaturated verse. 'Nuff said.
1 lure all vampires close
2 set the sun at 3am
3 watch em burn