//------------------------------// // Chapter 54: Nighttime Surprise // Story: Celestia Uses An Online Dating Website // by RainbowBob //------------------------------// Sleep. Sweet, sweet sleep. Succulent dreams in a creamy sauce of tiredness atop a sea of snoozing. Celestia was so enthralled with her sleep that she didn’t stir nor move a muscle. Her breathing was calm and her mind at ease, and all it took was slumbering deep into the unconscious mind that she had neglected for so long. Mostly with alcohol, but still, she was enjoying it now. It was during these slumbering hours that her subconscious state noticed something strange. Her bed was quite large—that was generally a rule when you were royalty and had tons of money—and usually she had plenty of room to stretch out. But this time, there was someone… else. Right beside her. Breathing heavily. And then she felt fangs on her neck. “THAT’S MY PURSE! I DON’T KNOW YOU!” Then on instinct she bucked the rude bedroom invader right in the nuts. Her perpetrator instantly cried out and rolled off the bed screaming in pain. “One ball busted! Two balls busted! Ahhh, the entire thing is now a big, red zerooooo!” “The hell?” Celestia lighted her horn, illuminating the entire room with her magic. Checking over the bed, there the invader laid, clutching his man-parts with his purple hands. “What the heck are you? And why are you in my room?” “I’m Count von—motherfucking Christ my balls—Count!” the Count said, raising a hand in self-defense for his shattered family jewels. He was short, stocky, and purple all over. His outfit was a dark cloak with a monocle, all of which fit with the overall creepy vibe he was giving off with his close-cropped hair and really unattractive goatee. Celestia hopped out of her bed and glared at him for several seconds, all while the Count muttered numbers and curses under his breath while clutching his nuts. Then, Celestia raised a hoof and hit him once again in the balls, a low-blow if anything else. The Count screamed with a girlish shrieked and rolled on the floor, tears streaming down his long beak of a nose. “Fucking-fucker-fucked! Not once, but twice! Two! My balls are now dust!” “You never did say why you were in my bed, Count von Cunt,” Celestia replied shortly, raising her hoof once again. “Now see, normally I’m nice...ish. But not when a creep sneaks into my bed and tries to suck my neck. You have to buy me dinner first before that happens. Now…” Celestia feinted a strike, making the Count flinch like an abused puppy, “why were you in my room?” “F-f-four—wait, no—for a date!” the Count blubbered. “But I’m already dating Dracula… at the moment. Which I think might actually work. Besides, I never agreed to a date with you on the dating site.” The Count blinked. “What? Didn’t you hear?” Celestia arched a brow with a deadpan look. The Count got unsteadily to his feet, still hunched over. Whether this was because of the vampire cliche or extreme pain in his groin region was yet to be known. “Dracula is dead. Well, at least the one you were with. There’s one, two, three, four, five—” “I’m going to hit you again.” “Over five hundred different Dracula’s flying around out there!” The Count rubbed his nutsack and grimaced. “And the one who bested the one you dated is now the head honcho of the counts. Numero uno. The big cheese, with exactly—” Celestia threw a punch, forcing the Count to duck and cower on the floor. “A-anyway, he’s in charge now, and has decreed it open season on you!” “Open season?” Celestia gritted her teeth and sighed. “Why do I know that sounds like a bad thing?” “Well, usually open season is a term used to describe the beginning of hunt—” “Do I need to break your balls a third time tonight?” The Count shook his head and held his hands together in a desperate plea. “No, no, no, no, not at all! Once was nice, twice was alright! I beg of you, no more pain tonight!” “Fine.” Celestia picked up the Count with her magic, particularly around his neck region, and squeezed tight. Bringing him to eye-level, she sneered at him. “You never did answer my question, you know.” Celestia added more strength to the magic squeezing, turning the Count a deeper shade of purple around the cheeks. “Why were you in my bed, about to snack on my neck?” “I’m… a registered sex offender into some really creepy stuff.” Celestia rubbed her brow and sighed loudly. “Of course, of course. Do you happen to know who exactly the new head honcho count is?” The Count laughed, though much weaker audibly since his neck was close to breaking in half because of the pressure of Celestia’s magic. “Ha! Sorry to say, Princess, but the worse you can do is kill me. The guy I know won’t kill me. In fact, he’d slice and dice me individually into small pieces and then put me back together again one by two by three by four by five by six by seven by eight by—” Celestia upped the power on her magic, turning the Count’s head blue. “Argh! Wait! I-I-I do know he’ll appear sometime tonight! Probably with everyone else, just to enjoy the bloodshed!” Celestia frowned and lessened her hold on the Count’s trachea. “Exactly how many vampires know about this?” When the Count opened his mouth, Celestia added, “And I swear if you start counting again I’ll throw you out a window.” “Every vampire on the site. Which, I might add, is a number so high even I can’t count it all. Most likely an entire army is converging here for your blood! And maybe some coffee and a chance to talk. But most likely blood!” “Great, just great.” Celestia eyed the Count for a moment and turned her muzzle away in disgust. “Just my luck a gross one appeared here first.” “Well, I did have a car. The Countmobile!” The Count wiggled his bushy brows and licked his fangs. “I could… show you it.” “Why don’t you get it started for me?” Celestia said. “I’m a bit busy at the moment dealing with a vampire army.” This was followed by her throwing the Count out the window of her room, with him falling all the way out of her tower screaming distantly, “I caaaaaaaaaaan’t flyyyyyyyyy—” KER-PLUNK! “MY BALLS! AGAIN! THRICE!”