Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Anniversary Bonus Chapter
The Cupcake Chronicles
Dear Princess Celestia,
So, apparently Pinkie Pie has been butchering ponies down in the basement of Sugar Cube Corner for months now. That's...not surprising at all.
What? She's been doing every single drug known to ponydom! Why the fuck is the town so shocked that she'd do something like this?
So because Applejack had made a date with Rainbow Dash to have some apple pie, which would no doubt lead to lovemaking, she became worried when her rainbow slut didn't come calling. She started asking all around town, and just happened to be passing Sugar Cube Corner when she heard Rainbow scream. Freaking out because she thought Pinkie was giving her one hell of a orgasm, she rushed into the basement and kicked Pinkie into a table for ruining her night. She rushed Rainbow to the hospital because she didn't want to fuck a corpse.
So one of the hospital staff gets a message out to the rest of us. I can't believe I had to get up at 3 in the morning, because I REALLY CARE what happens to that lespony. But she can't fly anymore, so at least fellow Pegasi are safe from her sexual predation. That's a good thing I suppose. So the next morning, we're finally let into her room. To be honest, she looked kinda pathetic. If she was on life support, I probably would've pulled the plug.
So then she wakes up and realizes she can't fly, does a little crying, and then we're told to let her rest. So I thought that I could finally get back to the library for some peace. Nope. Rarity wants me to set up a meeting with you so she can set up a meeting with the Wonderbolts so she can make a present for Rainbow Dash. Yep. You heard that right. Someone I don't care about wants me to set up a meeting with someone I don't care about, so she can make a present for someone I don't care about.
You know what she ended up making? A fucking hoodie. I didn't know Equestria's copyright laws were that strict. But I did think it was deliciously cruel. It was like she wanted to remind her of her dream that she wasn't ever going to be able to fulfill now. Ingenious! No wonder her heart is so cold; it's probably encrusted with jewels.
So still wanting to get some, Applejack offers Rainbow a place to stay.
That's another thing. Rainbow Dash is mutilated to within an inch of her life, and she's let out of the hospital in THREE days? Give me a fucking break! I know Pegasi don't heal that fucking quickly. I just think AJ bribed some of the hospital staff so she could get a torture victim alone in bed.
So a few nightmares, traumatized fillies, and swims later, Rainbow decides that she can suddenly run a marathon. What's more? She wins. So this town is really out of shape. I mean, everypony lost to a pony who had part of her leg eaten. I need to organize a fat camp, as soon as possible, because that's just sad.
So as more days pass, Rainbow starts feeling sorry for the pony who tried to bake her into cupcakes. She comes to talk to me, and tells me that she thinks that it's all her fault because it all started with planning her surprise birthday party. Actually, that sounds pretty accurate. So good job, Rainbow Dash. You are responsible for the deaths of a dozen ponies. Hope that makes you feel better. Oh, nope. It didn't. Now she has this idea of taking our shitty fountain in the middle of town and making it more shitty by dedicating it to the victims of Pinkie. Then Mrs. Cake decided she was sick and tired of taking care of a dead serial killer's pet, so she dumped him off on Rainbow.
Sometime after the fountain's dedication, Applejack was having trouble making the first move. So she waited for Rainbow to after a long day of work. There they were, just sitting on the dock, and then bam. Kiss. Are you fucking kidding me? No buildup, no nothing! Then they ran back to the farmhouse and made love. I hear that no one makes love better than a torture victim.
Then just they're moving past it all, Luna shows up and gives Rainbow Dash the journal that Pinkie had kept. This made her sick. Oh joy. Great job, Luna.
So the next day, Applejack and Rainbow do a delivery to a grocer, and apparently he doesn't like doing business with ponies whom he can't force his right wing Celestian beliefs on. Rainbow precedes to shatter his front window, and the townsfolk take Rainbow's side as she ushers in a new age of equality for all ponies and all that stupid crap.
After his business suffers, Rainbow refuses Marty's apology, and proceeds to have another fuckfest with Applejack in the orchard, which Pinkie's ghost crashes. All of Ponyville is rocked by an earthquake. Thankfully that shitty fountain was reduced to rubble. After consulting Zecora, who told us to consult the 'good' Pinkie, we finally had our key; we had to destroy the journal of Tom Ridd- err, I mean Pinkie.
So after all that, Rainbow gets her wings back as Pinkie's good half vanishes. Happy fucking ending, whoopty-fuckin' doo. So now they've dragged me along to do a year's worth of shows with the Wonderbolts. I imagine that at the end of every night they two of them had fillyfooler sex.
Lucky cunts. Why can't I ever get that lucky?
Your former student giving sex advice to a redneck,
Twilight Sparkle
2680357 Not sure if I'll do this again.
There was a blog entry asking for letters and questions about 3 weeks ago.
clap,clap,clap,clap,clap,clap
a winner is you
2680364
Congratulations, Miles, you managed to make fun of the one story that's worse than this one was becoming!
Err, I mean...
Wow. That was far more acidic than it sounded in my head.
Seriously, though, these chapters are veering rapidly back towards the dregs. You were so close to pulling back with the Discord and CMC chapters, really, don't go wrong now!
Well Twilight I gave you an oppertunity and you told me to go f*ck myself. So I say you deserved that.
P.S. maybe when Applejack is alone you could push her off a cliff and make it look like an accident. Rainbow Dash is so gulieable.
What.
Needs more EWE!
2680447
Okay, so just to make sure. There's the canon universe, the Cupcake Chronicles universe, and the Disgruntled universe. And now there's a Disgruntled Cupcake Chronicles universe?
2680704 Eeyup.
Next time! Twilight is actually invaded by > 2680435 wth the help of her pals.
:twilightmad: Fuck you too, Zytharros.
?
Okay then.
I liked the Voldemort/Pinkamena reference.
So, does this mean you're going to be having letters from Disgruntled Twilight expressing her views of her rolls in various popular fics? That could be fun.
2680704
What? I've read the original where Pinkie gets away with it, and the one where Rainbow survives and falls in love with applejack. Which one have the fountain, Pinkie's ghost and the return-of-the-wings?
wait.. Celestia is a red neck
Where's Pinkie's good half
I am sooo confused
2681005 Every single one of those, except for Pinkie getting away with it, happen in the same story. In fact that same story is right here, written by the exact same author who wrote Letters. Looks like you didn't finish reading it.
Well That was one crazy nonsense story that Twilight had to suffer through.
I can only imagine what she would have to say about My Little Dashie
2681258
Hmm, haven't been by this particular story. Must have read an abridged version or something. As i remember it, she got the hodie, learned to swim, it turns into appledash, and then happy ever after. I don't think i am going to read this one, in part because i apparently have read most of it or something close to it, and in part because i like the way it ended. Rainbow getting her wings back doesn't seem necessary to me, and the whole ghost thing makes it unrealistic. (You know, more unrealistic than psychotic pastel murder ponies. You know what i mean. Shut up).
2682262
You likely passed on the sequels. You didn't miss much. I lost interest about halfway into the Journal of the Cupcake Killer, and haven't seen fit to try and pick it up again.
I read this chapter.
"This sounds familiar."
"No, I definitely read this story."
"Wow, the author is really being harsh."
"The only possible explanation is that it's the same author."
*checks*
Good, it is.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I fucked your mom.
Sincerely,
Atrue Mofo
That monument when I realize u wrote the cupcakes chronicles. Mind blow, u have two very different styles when it comes to writing. That's awesome!
2682834: Addendum: for a nickel.
-Mike
2680998 That could be fun, but I'm not sure that would be allowed. I think I can get away with it here because it's once, and it's my story. Having Disgruntled Twilight visit other author's stories could be a slippery slope I don't know I want to go down.
2682282 They would miss the 6 months of work that was part 7, Rainbow After The Storm.
2683621 Thanks for reading!
2680704 No, this was more than likely a one time thing. No crossing of universes. All hiatus, anniversary, and Sexcapades, will likely have no impact on Letters fanon once Season 4 rolls around.
2680443 Alright look, I seriously do not have a system when I write these. So it really doesn't help, nor do I care very much, about which Letters you loved and which ones are 'down in the dregs' so to speak. I take constructive criticism only. All other negative comments are ignored.
2683842
What if you got permission to do it ahead of time?
2683869 I still see it as bending some of the submission guidelines.
A user by the name of twow443 already does that, parodies other stories. He calls it riffing, and he doesn't do it on here, but over on Google Docs.
2683887
Yeah, I read all of twow's riffs. He's actually added some of my stories to his 'to riff' list, and has riffed two of them already.
2683842
...
LOL, you didn't ignore his negative criticism...
Sorry, had to put that in there, I'm too much of a smartass for my own good.
I love your stuff so far.
2684628 OMG STAHP YOUR SO ANNOYING!
...did I do it right?
2684641
Something like that...
Though, personally, I prefer it when people throw whatever they happen to have in their hands at me. I get a lot of free laptops, watches, money, wallets and other valuables that way. Although there was this one time, NEAR band camp, some bootcamp soldier had a grenade... It didn't end well...
2684649 Perhaps I SHOULD rephrase.
I won't ignore non-constructive criticism. But I won't take it to heart, either.
Alright, you win.
2683842
Okay how about this: Do some actual planning before you write a chapter. As it's been pointed out before your first few chapters were great because they were inspired. Let's look at this from an actual, constructive standpoint, shall we?
Your first few chapters were taking observations of the episodes and keeping Twilight's personal thoughts completely believable. What was funny was the impression that this is how Twilight could actually be thinking whilst the cameras went off and that was brilliant.
Where you went wrong is assuming that the bitchiness was the funny part. Acting out of character in and of itself isn't funny, though you still have quite a few great moments, the theme itself was rapidly changed from "Twilight off camera" to "All the characters are awful and Twilight is a sex-fiend isn't that funny" when without any other context no, it wasn't.
You devolved from observational humour with a uniquely satiric twist into sub-par non-sequiters which were trite and overwrought.
This is coming from someone who loves Family Guy. Their context is that the plot is usually just a thin frame to hang jokes from, which is completely fine, that's their context. Yours was, however, observational satire, which completely stops working when you take the observational part out.
Which finally brings me to why the past chapters were good. They were purely speculative based on your own context and the show's. Discord was acting completely and utterly in character and you answered questions the show brought up but didn't touch upon. Not only that but you answered them in a uniquely witty and original way. Brilliant.
Rather than follow up on this saving grace, however, you're starting to drive right back to "Twilight is a sexual deviant LOL" and, frankly, the clop was so godawfully written that the only reason it's gotten the votes it has is because of the amount of fan worship you've created. You used the word honeypot unironically for fuck's sake! (Pun most definitely intended.) When the best way to have taken that entire scene would have been to have everything implied.
"Eugghh... Okay, at least that wasn't as bad as we imagined."
"Sugahcube, we kinda figured that one out on our lonesome from the way you just dived in with gusto back there."
"Hey, I didn't see anypony else volunteering!"
"Hey, she didn't dive in with Gusto, she dove in with you silly!"
"Pinkie Pie! How uncouth!"
"Pfft, and you didn't have gusto either, you had Fluttershy!"
"Eep!"
"Yes, well, that may be said... But at least now we never have to do anything like that again. Ever. Never speak of it again, never think of it again, never reminisce about the hot, sweaty intimacy we shared, the writhing of limbs and tongues against naked fur when- Fluttershy, boutique, now."
"... Dash, race you to the barn?"
"What? Oh, c'mon, didn't you hear any of that, I wanna fuck you silly!"
"I know, Dash, but I was tryin' to be, what's the word, in-con-spicous like about it."
"Oh... Last one back to the barn has to be on the bottom?"
"Oh, it's on!"
"Now, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going back to the library. I think I need to show Twilight where I keep my stashes in case of whipped cream emergency, and it looks like this might just be one!"
"Oh, I hope my sister doesn't hear about this... Her innocence..."
"Umm... I know we should be going now, Rarity, and uhh... Oh goodness... I really can't wait but... To be fair.... I've seen her and Applebloom playing 'submissive' for Scootaloo. I thought Applebloom had made some sort of jungle gym and I was really impressed until I saw the, errm... Accessessories, oh gosh, and Scootaloo was wearing such a tight leather-"
"Hold on... Sweetie Belle is good at leatherwork?"
"My sister built an entire playground?"
"Scootaloo is a kickass Dom?"
"I'm so proud of her."
"Hey, maybe I should ask Twilight whilst I'm up there, what's it called when it's stereo with three ponies? Tririo doesn't sound- Okay that sounds super fantastic! Laters!"
See, that's writing without any plan at all, nor effort nor audience, and outside my comfort zone, and immediately it's an improvement because I didn't use the fucking word honeypot.
2685632 Thank you for the constructive thoughts.
But in my experience, the chapters that got the most criticism were the ones that I tried planning out.
Did it slowly get more risque? More crude? Yes.
And as far as I can tell, readers loved it.
However, I don't believe your observation of fan worship is correct. It's like you're saying that more readers would have criticized the same things you did if they didn't worship me. I don't think that's true. Different readers find different things funny.
I would be interested in seeing how your Mane 6 would do in a battle against my Mane 6... it was a concept I designed called "Head Canon Challenge." The short story: An alignment of celesital bodies causes travel between universes possible, and a bit mandatory. The central universe (which would be mine) would have to defend themselves. Each battle would consist of a group of ponies pit against my head canon's version.
Don't know if you'd think that was a cool idea.
2691618 I imagine that Twilight has a problem with any lesbian that isn't trying to have sex with her.
At first I freaked out about how you were referencing that awesome story. Then I remembered, you wrote it.
2700250
What? I mean, they live together. What does magic have to do with that?
2684339
Don't you mean
th06.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2013/020/f/e/pony_gangnam_style_by_xerfb-d5s3948.jpg
Will you be doing an Equestria Girls hiatus chapter? I haven't seen the movie myself, nor do I plan to. Though I have looked up the plot synopsis on Wikipedia and mlp.wikia. I don't hate it, but I found it to be incredibly "meh."
2736987 I plan to see it first. May not be until July, or August when it's out on DVD.
Ah the cupcake chronicles, the only sequel to cupcakes I let into the husk that's left of my heart.
it's so easy(you see a shot gun and me trying to pry my hand away from the gun)it's so easy. i'll i have to do is take my shotgun and shot twilight.then why can't i?i hate this story twilight
You know, I think I've read part of the fic this is referencing.
Welp.
Cupcake Chronicles summed up!
Go figure. I'll still read it, though.
~Skeeter The Lurker
2680367
*clap clap clap*
''good job''
~evangelion~
The buck?
Dear Princess Twilight,
I can't believe you used all of my Triple Tango Tsunami Thunder blend. You were tripping the fuck out for three weeks straight. Mumbling something about cupcakes in between ramblings about Dash and AJ making out. Anyway, I've attached an invoice for the misplaced goods to this letter. Don't try to weasel out of paying, either. I recorded your drugged up ramblings for fun and you said some really hilarious hippy garbage about equality and free love. This is what happens when a light weight tries to steal a shot of the Quad T.
Your Dept Sharking Handler,
Pinkie Diana Pie.
Well, I suppose I do not have to read Cupcake Chronicles now.
This was so brain that it meta my broke.
It funny though was.
KBO.
I'll admit that didn't really enjoy your other fic for all the reasons you described, so this was glorious.