Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by milesprower06

A Hearth's Warming Tail

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

---

Dear Twilight,

If you give a fucking stupid book as a hearth's warming present one more time I'm calling Dragon Lord Ember to burn this whole Crystal Palace to the ground.

One hell of scrooge,
Spike

---

Dear Fax Machine,

If you didn't want your comic book just say so. And I thought of being nice this year. Have a dildo instead then so you can go fuck yourself!

Your mistress,
Twilight Sparkle

---

Dear Spike,

Breaking the 4th wall is our shtick. Don't push it.

-Pinkie Pie and Discord

---

Dear Starlight Glimmer Snowfall Frost,

You dare steal our shtick?

-Jack Skellington, Ebenezer Scrooge and The Grinch

---

Dear Starlight Glimmer Snowfall Frost,

You will be haunted by three ghosts of past, present and future to see the error of your ways.

Spookily,
Jacob Marley Professor Snape Flintheart

---

Dear Ghostbusters,

I have a job for you.

Annoyed,
Starlight Glimmer Snowfall Frost

---

Dear Snowfall Frost,

You mean the first ones, right? Because those new chicks fucking suck.

Sincerely,
D.A.

---

Dear Granny Pie,

Happy Hearth's Warming!!

How's haunting bad ponies as ghost of hearth's warming presents? I have a certain princess friend whom is in need of such a remedy.

Your granddaughter,
Pinkie Pie

---

"And that's a Hearth's Warming Tail!" Twilight exclaimed, slamming the book closed.

"Wow that's was actually a non-sexual themed story you read to me..." Starlight muttered.

"What! You read finished the story without me!!!" Spike screamed, running inside with three cups of hot chocolate.

"Nobody cares about you at all, Fax Machine." Both Twilight and Starlight said in unison.

Spike proceeded to dump hot chocolate on both of them before running off.

"That's it, you're sleeping outside tonight!" Twilight screamed out.

"Well anyways," Twilight removed the hot chocolate off her coat with her magic. "So how about we celebrate Hearth's Warming with me giving you a Hearth's Warming present. Just follow me to my bedroom."

"I wish I could, Twilight, but I have to figure out how to use what Trixie got me for Hearth's Warming. I guess she wants me to look more like a magician for her shows, because she got me a magic wand of some kind."

"A wand? For a magician's assistant?"

"Yeah. It's a lot bigger than any wand I've seen. It says Hitachi on the box."

"Well, try it out on Derpy. She won't get off of the tree downstairs."

---

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Have you heard Twilight's impression of you? It's actually not bad.

Sincerely,
Starlight Glimmer

---

Dear Starlight,

Yeah, I've heard it. Must be that special cider she makes whenever she reads "A Hearth's Warming Carol" aloud.

She always says Hearth's Warming isn't complete without a Dickens Cider.

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

---

Dear Bronies,

Alright. I really can't figure it out.

Why are you all calling me GlimGlam?

-Starlight Glimmer

Author's Note:

Comments

[Tatsurou]

...that last pic...

[LegacyMine]

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Cut it out with the references. They're not funny, and only subtract from the story.

[recentteen14]

7217252 Don't like em? Go read something else. Plenty of people love seeing the references thrown in there.

[MixMassBasher]

Dear Derpy,

You're supposed to be sitting on Fluttershy not that big ass tree! Can't you do anything right?

-Twilight Sparkle

[milesprower06]

7217252 Cut it out with the references? You mean one of this story's shticks that has occurred in pretty much every single one of these 163 chapters?

Let me think about it.

Yeah, no.

[Dawn Flower]

Dear Starlight Glimmer Snowfall Frost,

Tonight you will be haunted by three ghosts... and they're all me.

Hi,
Ghost Nappa

[LegacyMine]

7217268 I think I may have phrased that badly. I meant that it's a bit tacky for the characters to be actively writing and receiving letters from characters in other franchises.

[Royal Brisk]

7217252
I thought that was the point. Pretty sure that was the point.

[Gapeagle]

Dear little sister,

I know you envy my height, Luna. However, you did not need to get outrageous stilts and an even more outrageous cape to be taller than me. Quite frankly, you looked ridiculous at the party.

Also, do not go around and groan about our height differences. It's not my fault you're shorter than me. Unlike you, I drank my milk.

Sincerely,

The Much Taller Celestia.

[milesprower06]

7217287 Well, until the majority starts complaining about it, I'm going to keep up with the tacky, because most of my readers enjoy it, or at least tolerate it enough where they don't vocalize discontent every time it occurs.

And for the past several months, this story has had two writers, and I'm not going to just tell my partner to stop writing certain stuff. He'll stir his creative juices, I'll stir mine, and we'll throw everything into one pot.

[MythrilMoth]

This one didn't give you much to work with, huh?

[F14m3rz]

Not sure who D.A. is (District Attorney? DeviantArt?), but I don't have much of a problem with the new Ghostbusters.
I'm kind of surprised there wasn't a joke about Snowfall Frost looking like Miles Edgeworth, though.

[maxthedralf]

why did no one notice pony jesus?
i.chzbgr.com/full/8797305856/h946491DB/

[meerkat8472]

People are calling her GlimGlam? Weird.

[JimboTex]

She always says Hearth's Warming isn't complete without a Dickens Cider.

Really? I would've thought she'd call it a "Dicking Cider." Y'know, 'cause it'll entice stallions to give her a good one.

[anunenka]

7217445

Likely it's meant to be Dan Aykroyd, writer and actor in the original Ghostbusters.

[Vigriff]

7217281 Starlight Glimmer: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

[Sparrow9612]

7217445 - D.A. = Dan Dan Aykroyd/Ray Stantz

[SuperPinkBrony12]

7217281 God damn it, Nappa!

[Streakofscarlet]

Dear Rarity,

Why Derpy? Why her? Haven't I ever told you about how much I'd like to be a tree?

I'll even sing a lament about it!

Your "best" friend,
Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

For the last time, rearranging your cutest dialogue bits alongside catchy music is NOT a lament!

-Rarity

Dear Spike,

Why are you and Twilight writing letters to each other when you are in the same building?

-Applejack

Dear Applejack,

The same reason you and Big McIntosh wrote letters to each other when he lost his voice even though you were in the same bed.

-Spike

[F14m3rz]

7217790 Dan Aykroyd... didn't he also direct Blues Brothers 2000? But thanks for the info.

[Neko Majin C]

"And that's a Hearth's Warming Tail!"

There is an extra space between these words.

"What! You read finished the story without me!!!"

"Read" is unneeded. Also, there should be question marks with your exclamation points after "what" and "me".

So how about we celebrate Hearth's Warming with me giving you a Hearth's Warming present.

This is a question, so it needs a question mark. So, how about fixing that?

Dickens Cider.

Goddammit, that is genius.

---

---

---

My dearest Mistress Princess Twilight Sparkle,

I would like to thank you for the wonderful Hearth's Warming gifts you gave me. I really appreciate the book full of nothing but onomatopoeia that you wrote yourself, the new blanket, and the fresh hay for my lean-to. And even though I was not allowed inside the castle, this was still the best Hearth's Warming I ever had, because this time, you asked me to leave instead of just teleporting me out of a window.

Signed your loyal slave who is grateful for your kindness and boundless generosity,
Neko Majin C.

---

Dear Fax Machine,

How stupid are you? Our Mistress allowed you to spend Hearth's Warming Eve inside with her, and that is how you show your gratitude? Do not think for once I agree with what you did. I am only sharing my lean-to with you because of the spirit of the season and to share each others body warmth.

Signed your coslave,
Neko Majin C.

---

---

---

~KBO.

[Sparrow9612]

7218005 - He was one of the Blues Brothers. Elwood. As for if he directed Blues Brothers 2000, I'm not sure.

[Spartan-Guy 88]

Twilight left out the part where Snowfall tries to murder a talking snowman in a greenhouse, befriend an elf who wants to pick other people's teeth, and shoot her eye out with a BB gun.

[ShadowLDrago]

Have a dildo instead then so you can go fuck yourself!

Loathe as I do to admit it, that's actually a very clever one liner.

You dare steal our shtick?
-Jack Skellington, Ebenezer Scrooge and The Grinch

She did feel like Scrooge crossed with the Grinch.

You mean the first ones, right? Because those new chicks fucking suck.

Oof!

Have you heard Twilight's impression of you? It's actually not bad.

To be fair, Tara Strong was considered for Pinkie by Lauren Faust. Don't get me wrong, Andrea Libman is perfect, just noticing.

Alright. I really can't figure it out.
Why are you all calling me GlimGlam?

Who knows?

[Iron Comet]

Filly crushed by present. Police say it was suicide.

[Smitty91]

Dear Snowfall Frost,
You mean the first ones, right? Because those new chicks fucking suck.
Sincerely,
D.A.

I'm confused regarding what this is referring to? Care to explain?

[AortaHeartless]

7218880 There's a remake of Ghostbusters with an all female lead this time round.

[Tonto the Trotter]

7217544 That's the Lebowski/The Dude pony I'm pretty sure. ^^:

[SuperPinkBrony12]

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

Oh, so you remember Trixie, but not me? I thought I was your oldest and dearest friend?

Are you still mad about the fact that I'm not a wizard?

Sincerely, a very ticked off Sunburst.

[Biker_Dash]

derpicdn.net/img/view/2016/5/14/1153891__safe_solo_screencap_meme_discovery+family+logo_spoiler-colon-s06e08_a+hearth%27s+warming+tail_rariball_severus+snape_professor+flintheart.jpg

everyone's having a ball with this...

[maxthedralf]

7219178
they like to reuse assets. he is wearing a robe and he looks like pony jesus.

[Ramenclaw]

Dickens Cider! That has to be the best written joke in this entire series. Good Job

[Swashbucklist]

"Nobody cares about you at all, Fax Machine." Both Twilight and Starlight said in unison.

Eh...coming from just Twilight, I don't mind the Spike abuse. But coming from additional characters? Fuck you.

[FluttaShift]

7220415 Well, it's not just that. Rage reviews and other negative groups truly ruin the site as well.

[CassandraMyOCisBestpony]

Dear Princess Twilight,

For the last time, STOP CASTING ILLEGAL APHRODISIAC SPELLS!!! The is the fifth time this week I've had to leave a very enjoyable sex party in the astral plane to visit you, and give you the same lecture about unethically instilling lust in innocent ponies. Knock it off! And you'd better not refuse to learn your lesson and hold me hostage until I start pleasuring myself in front of you. It won't work again!

-The ghost of sex yet to come.

PS; Spoiler alert: You're not going to get any!

---

To our beloved young viewers,

The winter holidays aren't all about presents, there's so much more, like this thing, and that thing, and these other things. But presents are still pretty important. New Princess Flurry Heart Playset, coming this Christmas to a Toys R' Us near you.

-Hasbro

[Kage no Brony]

7221079

Well, it's not just that. Rage reviews and other negative groups truly ruin the site as well.

I'm surprised there aren't comments about those stupid theories some hardcore bronies have, like no war, or murder, or death, Ponies are perfect species, and humans should be ruled by them, bullshit. Glad that's only a theory among mentally unstable bronies.

6649826

It's funny how much thought people put into a cartoon about cartoon ponies and then when you don't agree or know that some theory out there is just pure bullshit, ppl get mad and downvote your comment. Just wow, so glad I don't visit this site much anymore. It went from awesome to shit quick.

7215953

Rage reviews, uh huh. No rage here, that's for sure. Also you definitely aren't reviewing the behavior of a subset of the fandom.

[FluttaShift]

7222946 Naw, I'm not angry, so there's no rage. And Rage Reviews is a problem, you don't know me or what happened to me so I wouldn't expect you to get what I mean. And yeah I'm judging a subset of the fandom, a screwed up subset that shouldn't exist in the first place. Go ahead, defend ponies are perfect species or whatever stupid theory you think is correct. Go on, I'm waiting.

[articunos bitch]

Have a dildo instead then so you can go fuck yourself!

As if Twilight would ever give one away. Loan it out, but she's going to get it again.

Dear Spike,
Breaking the 4th wall is our shtick. Don't push it.
-Pinkie Pie and Discord

He was humming the theme song long before he appeared. They should let him get away with it.

Dear Ghostbusters,
I have a job for you.

-No job is too big! No fee is too big-

Dear Snowfall Frost,
You mean the first ones, right? Because those new chicks fucking suck.
Sincerely,
D.A.

It's not even released yet and heads are already rolling at Sony.

Dear Pinkie Pie,
Have you heard Twilight's impression of you? It's actually not bad.
Sincerely,
Starlight Glimmer

Twilight being a ventriloquist is canon. It's perfect.

She always says Hearth's Warming isn't complete without a Dickens Cider.

Twilight has had very few 'complete' Hearths Warmings.

[Kage no Brony]

7223580

I'm not saying they're right. Nor am I saying you are right.

I'm just saying, if you hate people who bitch about things on the internet, why are you bitching about things on the internet?

[Dustcan]

I miss the days during the S1 chapters where there was more to Twilight than jokes about her libido.

[Dragonwaz]

7215953 Or maybe, just maybe, people are downvoting you without even knowing or caring about what you're talking about because you're being an angry negative ass.

[Bysen]

Again on a related note.

[Sozmioi]

Some situational irony: I just watched this, so it was in season for me.

[Starlight Fan]

7219445
Dear Sunburst

Now you know how I felt when you left me.

From: Starlight Glimmer