Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by milesprower06

All Bottled Up

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

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Dear Princess Twilight,

Well, I've only been your ex-student for a few days, and it seems that you have already decided on bailing out on me further with your friendship retreat. I would have given you some poisoned teacakes, but somepony ruined it.

Anyway, I decided to help my marefriend, Trixie, so we decided to try teleportation; we would have tried it on Spike, but we’re not you. Unfortunately, something very important, which I will not mentioned here, went missing. Hence, we had to search for the damn thing.

On a side note, my magic somehow was on the fritz this episode whenever I got angry. And you wouldn’t like it when I’m angry. So, I had to contain it. In hindsight, I should have used a bigger bottle.

I tried questioning Trixie where in the world the thing may have ended up in and she said she had no idea. ARE YOU FU— you know what? Nevermind… Breath in, breath out… Stay calm… Who knows maybe the missing thing got transported to the front of a hospital. That always seems to happen whenever a unicorn uses teleport carelessly. LIKE SOME STUPID BI— it’s alright… find my happy place…

Okay, as I was saying… we searched everywhere and somepony kept getting sidetracked that DIRTY PIECE OF SHI— nope, nope, nope... stay happy… I got this…

Okay, I lied. Trixie accidentally broke my bottled up anger and by that point, I believe some of the townsfolk we came across were finally fed up with having two bitchy mares in town and since you were a princess, they opted for axing Trixie instead.

I was worried for my marefriend as at this rate, they might burn her alive in a wicker mare statue with how riled up they were. I’m glad it wasn’t Ponyville that I enslaved back in the day, because I would be in stitches by then if an angry mob formed.

Then Trixie had the balls to ask why ponies were mad at her. In that moment, my heart grew three sizes smaller. I had enough. I called her out on her stupid, arrogant attitude and how much of a bitch she was to the point that she was becoming you, princess. I am tired of loving and tolerating the crap out of somepony if said pony didn’t make a bloody effort to help her friend from getting into a shitton of trouble. Screw you, Trixie!!! You damn dirty whore!!!

That shut her the fuck up.

In the end, we found the thing we lost. It was at the spa where Trixie and I first met, bonding over how much we hated you.

Overall, I learned that it’s okay to be angry. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be doing a new magic trick with Trixie: sawing Trixie in half.

Your angry ex-student,
Starlight Glimmer

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Dear Starlight,

Help!!! Twilight wants all of us to go on a friendship outing! But we all know what she really wants.

In need of divine intervention,
Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Rarity and Fluttershy

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“So, I’m hoping if I bottled up my anger, I won’t do who knows what to Trixie,” Starlight said to Spike as she cast the spell to bottle up her anger.

Meanwhile… In Starlight’s Mindscape

“HOW THE FUCK DOES STARLIGHT THINK SHE CAN CONTAIN ME!!! I HAVE A LOT TO SAY TO THAT MOTHERFUCKING ARROGANT BITCH!!!” screamed a Red Starlight whose mane was turning into actual flames.

“Quickly! Restrain her, Sadness!” shouted a yellow Starlight as she ignited her horn, using the same spell that the Real Starlight was currently casting.

“Okay…” muttered a Blue Starlight.

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Dear Balthazar Cavendish and Vinnie Dakota,

So, you failed to save another pistachio cart. What do you have to say for yourselves???

Head of the Time Bureau Agency,
Doctor Whooves

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Dear Spike,

Sorry I didn’t listen to your advice.

Your friend,
Starlight

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Dear Starlight,

It’s cool. I’m used to mares not listening to me at all. It makes insulting Twilight in front of her stupid face all the more easier.

Your friend,
Spike

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TO THE DESK OF STARLIGHT GLIMMER:

Miss Glimmer, I thought I would write to you about a potential business proposition. Bulk Biceps informed me how you bottled your anger and it accidentally went to him upon breaking. This gave me an idea.

If you could discreetly store Princess Twilight's lust and ship it to me, I'm confident we could create the most powerful aphrodisiac known to ponykind. The profits could be astronomical.

Sincerely,
The Ponyville Bottling Company

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Dear Friends,

I don't get it. Griffons barely like each other. How did we not have more leeway? We only sang ONE song!

-Twilight

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Dear Twilight,

In case the past few years haven't been entirely, one hundred percent crystal clear, we barely like you.

-Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy

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Author's Note:

Comments

[Alex Warlorn]

What? No question from the tea cup poodle if Trixie is its god?

[milesprower06]

8441816
It was euthanized offscreen.

[GrayOnBlue]

Not funny

[milesprower06]

8441845
I'm devastated and heartbroken.

[Hey its that Pony]

Excellent new entry.

[F14m3rz]

“ HOW THE FUCK DOES STARLIGHT THINK SHE CAN CONTAIN ME!!! I HAVE A LOT TO SAY TO THAT MOTHERFUCKING ARROGANT BITCH!!! ” screamed a Red Starlight whose mane was turning into actual flames.

Shannarō!

[SuperPinkBrony12]

The Inside Out bit was so hilarious!

[Jphyper]

I'm sure Bruce Banner would love Starlight's spell. I'm surprised there was no mention of that.

[Neko Majin C]

My dearest Mistress Princess Twilight Sparkle,

When you leave the castle in the hooves of someone as powerful yet careless as Starlight and Trixie, bad things are going to happen to the castle. Salt shakers turned into teacups. Sugar bowls turned into teacups. Pots turned into teacups. Pans turned into teacups. Pitchers turned into teacups. Plates turned into teacups. Teapots turned into teacups. Frosting bags turned into teacup...poodles. By which I mean teacups that are also poodles. Cutie maps teleported to beauty spas. Starlight is incapable of being responsible. Maybe if you screwed them to the point of unconsciousness, you could go on your trips without worrying about your castle being vandalized by silliness.

Signed your loyal slave and sentient teacup (help me!),
Neko Majin C.

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~KBO.

[Coyotek4]

Amateurs don't know the first thing about spiking the ball at the 1-yard line.

- DeSean Jackson

[NobodieZ]

Great work, nice references to Inside Out and Milo Murphy's Law.

[Pony_Person_123]

Inside out revenge awsome