A Canterlot Wedding, Part 1
Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
A Canterlot Wedding, Part 1
Dear Shining Armor,
Who the tartarus do you think you are? What, just because some two-bit villain makes a threat against Canterlot, that means you can put off telling me about your wedding until the last minute? I mean damn, if it's that fucking serious, delay the damn wedding! And seriously? Cadance? You're marrying that broad? You're getting some seriously damaged goods there, bro. I know because I heard you guys every time you railed her after putting me to bed. Drywall isn't much of a sound dampener, you know.
So Bitchcess Celestia wants me and my friends to help out with this sham, does she? She wants Applejack to give everyone food poisoning, and Pinkie Pie to get everypony to party hard. Fluttershy is once again conducting the bird choir. Ugh, once again with the fucking birds. Seriously, find a fucking guitar. I know they're usable because the Crusaders used them during their shitty talent show. Rainbow Dash is instructed to do a Sonic Rainboom during the ceremony because nothing is more beautiful than Pegasus diarrhea at Mach 1. Rarity will design the dresses for the slut and her whoremaids, and lastly, I'm supposed to make sure everything comes together.
So we take the train up to Canterlot, and find it surrounded by a pink force field bubble. Because nothing says “don't fuck with us” more than pink and sparkly. So I go off in search of you, and apparently you've been sleeping around, because your guards are alerted to a mare angrily calling your name. But after talking to you for a few minutes, I have to admit, I've missed you. I remember back when I went into heat for the first time, and you taught me how to clop. Just reminiscing about it got me horny, which is why I presented to Cadance when she showed up. Then when she ignored me and just went right to your side, I started to feel...really jealous. Oh Celestia...I think...I THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!
After all, it just wasn't that first time I was in heat; you helped me clop plenty of times. You never mounted me, because of stupid society and what everypony thinks is right and wrong, but you know what? Fuck society. I want you, Shining. I want you inside of me, and if you're attracted to that rude, stuck-up bitch, then I'll happily say that you haven't seen nothing yet! I'm WAY bitchier than her!
So during the last rehearsal, I stormed in and tried to pass her off as a witch, so that I could run away with you. But I'll give her this; she's a damn good actress. I thought I could convince everypony by screaming evil over and over again, but that didn't work either, but she ran off nonetheless. So now you can be all mine...oh wait, no. Because for some reason you want that over this. Your own sister, who hasn't gotten any in quite some time. I guess I didn't do a good job of making friends down in Ponyville, either, because they all just walked out on me. Then as I'm crying because I'm forever alone, the Queen of Shipping comes back, and sends me down to hell.
Fuck all of you,
Twilight Sparkle
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My sides they hurt please dont stop
That had better be her hormones talking.
Now of to go bleach my brain.
that End...
Sounds 'bout right.
That's a winner.
At least it was until that one. Wait, no, the gold goes to:
Rofl, that last bit
Fuck all of you,
Averagejoey2000
that's it. that's my new sig
So I go off in search of you, and apparently you've been sleeping around, because your guards are alerted to a mare angrily calling your name.
Yeah, one of your masterpiece lines.
holy crap................................my sides!
...How did she managed to write that letter?
It must've been after the real party.
Words cannot express how I feel about that ending.
This Twilight would ask Shiny for some, wouldn't she?
Yes.
Best one yet. I love you.
This must have been your best chapter so far. Will be hard to top it.
This has to be the only suggestion to Shining/Twilight that hasn't make me queasy. Kudos XD
I'm not sure which was funnier-
"Rainbow Dash is instructed to do a Sonic Rainboom during the ceremony because nothing is more beautiful than Pegasus diarrhea at Mach 1. "
or
"Because nothing says “don't fuck with us” more than pink and sparkly."
Yep. I died.
Holy Celestia... I think... I THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!!
Sorry, but next to Twilight x Trixie, this is canon. You my friend, are a genius.
That's so funny.
I wholeheartdly agree with that statement.
Oh my sides.
Well that's one way of putting it.
Genius my friend, genius.
Also
Mermaid Man approves of such a strategy.
Hmmm.... for some reason I get the feeling Twilight is angry. Just can't put my finger on it.
My reaction to that episode in a nutshell.
I can't wait till she goes off about Celestia falling to Chrysalis.
best chapter yet
Twilight McBitchypants and Shining--YES! I just love the thought of Twilight and her brother, but with this version of Twilight? Now that will involve some really hot dirty talk. All my yes to this idea. Someone needs to write this.
Hilarious as always. Having a very hard time not dying of laughter.
2079400 Fine. *ahem*
yes.
Damn good chapter, even besides some of the missed opportunities (mainly about Celestias stupidity and the others acting OC and such, and sudden Alicorn OC, but I suppose that doesn't really work with the version of twilight you've crafted here).
Also: Queen of Shipping ... that's going to be my headcanon title for Cadance now. (and perhaps Chrysalis as well ^^)
Best one so far!
Is it possible to die of laughter? Because since I started reading this, I feel very close to it.
Or maybe Pinkie is involved in that matter
Dear Twily:
Fuck you. I'm marrying Cadance.
Love, your B.B.B.F.F.Your B.B.W.E.E. (Big Brother Worst Enemy Ever) Shining Armor.P.S.: Pegasus Diarrhea? Oh Celestia, now I know why they don't allow anypony into the Rainbow Factory
This chapter... It's so full of hilarious one-liners.
My personal fave?
My sides, they hurt!
Oh my.
Your humor makes my lungs joyfully expand and contract. I need a name for this feeling, I shall call it... laughter. Yes... that sounds fitting...
twilight loves her brother?!
25.media.tumblr.com/1fe495e614b5c4afb1644f26b58949fb/tumblr_mhnt9cBrNS1rdp2dfo1_1280.gif
well im sure there are weirder shippings...i bet someone posted a bad rariloo somewhere
2079879 Have you found the Grannyloo one called Tomb Raider?
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7zkjofYRj1rt41nb.gif
Caught me off guard.
1967367
Well, I missed it...so what was it?
Oh my, a Crucible reference! How fun!
2080069 A what reference?
2079879
Yeah, that one exists.
2079263
Only gotta wait one more chapter if my intuition is correct.
2079969 2080156
bronies scare me sometimes
2080263
Derpy with a mailbox.
Twilight with a can of Creamed Corn.
Yeah, they scare me as well
"apparently you've been sleeping around, because your guards are alerted to a mare angrily calling your name."
2079517 My bad on that one. I was using my andriod's swype tool to write that. I meant to write "this" not "yes".
2080263
That scared you? Here's the rest of the ships in that story.
It's a secondary ship to a Cheeribelle fic. That comes about because Twilight locks Rarity in a pocket dimension when Rarity finds out about that relationship. Because Twilight wants to protect Sweetie Belle from having to have her heart broken by them being discovered and Cheerilee having to leave. Because that's what happened to her. Because Twilight was in a relationship with Cheerilee when Twilight was a foal and Cheerilee had just started teaching.
Also, Rainbow Dash is Scootaloos sex slave in that one.
It takes place at current show ages.
2080384
What story? This sounds hilarious.
its times like these i wish i had three thumbs
