Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by milesprower06

The Cutie Pox

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Cutie Pox

Dear Princess Celestia,

Would anyone care to tell me why Ponyville has a bowling alley? While we're on the subject, who the flying fuck invented this sport? Shove a ball down a lane and try to hit as many pins as you can. I guess that would seem sort of entertaining to unicorns, except not a single one used their magic!

Sweetie Belle, following the tradition of every degenerate unicorn in the building, tried using her head to bowl in the wrong way. Are we sure Scootaloo isn't pretending to be a Pegasus, and is in fact an earth pony? She kicked that ball so fucking hard it ricocheted off of three surfaces before going all the way across to the other side of the alley. I haven't even seen Applejack buck anything that hard. Last but not least, Apple Bloom tried using her mouth to bowl. Yeah. Well, if she can do that, she won't get a bowling cutie mark, but I know a great way she can make some extra bits on the side. Hint hint.

Oh yeah, you read that right, a few ponies in this town have bowling cutie marks. Well, guess what you get to do for the rest of your days! Have a nice life, you poor bastards. After Apple Bloom witnessed another pony get chained to this hobby for life, she gets all depressed after just one turn. Yeah, you don't have to practice or anything, you stupid cunt, you were just supposed to be instantly good at it.

You know, that just cracks me the fuck up. After all the stupid, brainless, and sometimes, downright dangerous things they've done, NOW she gets depressed. And nothing cheered her up, either. Not a cupcake, not a party, not even one of Rarity's giant hats. You'd think that just maybe, she'd look inwards, and discover that she has to focus on what she's already good at. But no, she wanders off into the Everfree Forest, trips over a root, and runs into our resident zigger.

For the record, I blame that witch for everything that happened today. She took Apple Bloom back to her hut to fix her chipped tooth. Again, mistake #1: Taking Apple Bloom to a hut filled with potion ingredients. It's a good thing that she doesn't share her tooth-healing potions, or make a business out of it. She'd ruin every dentist in town. Colgate would have a hayday. So after that, does she kick Apple Bloom out and send her on her way? No. Mistake #2: Letting Apple Bloom stay in the hut. So after taking a look around, Apple Bloom thinks Zecora can make a potion to give her a cutie mark. Now, at this point, if I were Zecora, I'd have seen the disaster coming from a mile away. But no, she runs out to get a missing ingredient. Again, mistake #3: LEAVING Apple Bloom ALONE in what is essentially an ALCHEMIST HUT.

Apple Bloom shows up for school with a cutie mark! After wowing the class with her amazing hip rotary skills, another cutie mark appears. Instead of listening to Diamond Tiara and calling bullshit, Cheerilee gives the class to Apple Bloom, and she leads them on a parade through town, performing all sorts of circus freak tricks. Well, at least I discovered something new about Fax Machine. It doesn't have to BE Rarity to give him a hard on, it just has to LOOK LIKE Rarity.

I'm not sure what happened next, but early the next morning, Applejack comes to the library with Apple Bloom, who is now sporting three cutie marks. Doing a little searching around medical journals, I discovered a great way to give someone the trots. This is gonna be an entertaining weekend. Oh, and I also discovered Apple Bloom has an ancient disease with no treatment. Coincidentally, the Cutie Mark Cunt is in a conundrum with no cure and I don't care. Say THAT three times fast, you fucking dragon.

More and more cutie marks appear at an increasing rate. Pretty soon she starts speaking in Fancy. Better than her sister always speaking in Git R Done, if you ask me. Knowing that only a black-magic practicing freak could help out, we went to get Zecora, who just happened to be coming into town, when I explicitly told her to stay out. What the fuck, can she not listen? She told us about the missing Heart's Desire, and brought a plant that would only grow when somepony tells the truth. So let's see, as the Element of Honesty, Applejack can't tell the truth herself, so instead yells at the town to get someone else to do it. Pinkie can't admit the true scale of her binging and purging, so finally Apple Bloom admits to poisoning herself into a mega-talented state. The admittance causes the flower to grow, and upon her eating it, her marks disappeared. Personally, I would've liked to see what would've happened if it kept getting worse.

After ALL of this bullshit, she learns her lesson. For about ten fucking seconds. Then the three of them go chasing after Zecora to become potion makers. While I would like to see if they inadvertently create a meth lab, I've got better things to do.

Like styling my hair with a loopty-hoop and making Fax Machine my sex slave.

Your about-to-be-satisfied former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Comments

[Reignbow]

"After ALL of this bullshit, she learns her lesson. For about ten fucking seconds"

Lol, glad you got another one up. Funny as always.

[Invictus227]

"Pretty soon she starts speaking in Fancy. Better than her sister always speaking in Git R Done, if you ask me"

[Lolsternater]

Good luck with that Twilight! Even though that has already happened in over 20 universes...

[infinite scratch]

CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS METH MAKERS!

[Tonto the Trotter]

That was hilarious. Also lol, 'Your about-to-be-satisfied former student' I eagerly await the next letter and can't wait for Rainbow Dash's letter about the Mysterious Mare do Well, maybe make that episode a double feature and have Twilight and Rainbow write a different letter so we can get the perspective of Rainbow who's pissed at her friends and Twilight who spent an episode screwing around with RD's head.

[Snadz]

poor spike the sex slave

[cunning_linguist]

"Zigger" should be the name of a fic.

[khatre]

Spike seems to be quite open to the possibility of being Rarity's or Sweety's sex slave ...
Time to get that dragon some swag

[Lyall]

Well, guess what you get to do for the rest of your days! Have a nice life, you poor bastards.

So true!!!!

[Swashbucklist]

Like styling my hair with a loopty-hoop and making Fax Machine my sex slave.

Your about-to-be-satisfied former student,
Twilight Sparkle

I am anticipating future installments like nopony's business.

[HikariToYami]

Fax Machine... That is so funny, I still don't get why I think it's so funny...

And this chapter was a (Personal) improve ent of the original story... (Cutie Pox being my least-favourite, it's still good though, having ponies and all)

[YukoAsho]

1416739 Yeah, I also giggled at that. Applejack the Cable Pony.

[drone_r0m-3]

Later the CMC's move out to the desert, Sweetie Bell gets cancer and they start making blue meth.

[DragonOverlord2012]

1416754 20? The Count from Sesame Street you are not

[Lolsternater]

1416969
True. But I've been told a million times not to... Fucking words.

[Niklashg]

1416761 when did that become somthing bad?

[rphb]

zigger? what happend to zegro?
Also do you know a good term for an earthpony
and perhaps a pegasus?

[MillenniumFalsehood]

1416993 Especially if it's Twilight Sparkle we're talking about . . .

[Teashakes]

Ohohoho sex slave Spike. I'd read a spin off this story on that as sick as it may be. Though I'd prefer having some comedy in it. Anyone up for a one-shot?

[kenny26]

This is the funniest thing I ever read.

[BBJBS]

I'm surprised this didn't end with Twilight running off to try and weaponize it. And poor Fax Machine.

[RedvsBlue327]

1416926 All the while Scootaloo annoys Sweetie Belle with her gaping lack of knowledge for chemistry.

(Yeaah, I don't watch too much of that show.)

[White Wolf]

1417290

Poor Fax Machine would be her unwitting and unknowing test subject to test her new weapon on.

[Alaxsxaq]

The ending was a work of pure comedic genius.

[Andy-025]

Apple Bloom tried using her mouth to bowl. Yeah. Well, if she can do that, she won't get a bowling cutie mark, but I know a great way she can make some extra bits on the side. Hint hint.

Twilight stop trying to get underaged foals into the oral sex trade

[MrNumbers]

"Fax Machine" to "Sex Machine"...

Sounds about right.

[Namara]

Oh Luna Incarnate, that had me laughing.

[ultra1437]

Ah, another gem. Good job on this one. That ending is hilarious. Now my co-workers are wondering why i'm laughing... Ah well.

[Valikdu]

Who else actually said that three times fast?

[Arcanist Ascendant]

"Well, if she can do that, she won't get a bowling cutie mark, but I know a great way she can make some extra bits on the side."
Do mine eyes deceive me? Did I actually fucking read that?
That's not the worst innuendo i've seen on this site, but it was pretty bad. The worst one actually left me speechless.

But good chapter.

[Xuncu]

Bow-chickah-wah-wah~!

[NightmareDash]

That end... it put a very dirty image in my head.

[Happydeath]

1418774 what was the worst?

[milesprower06]

1418774 It is not my goal to be all sweet and innocent with this story, you know. I occasionally push boundaries that may or may not need to be pushed.

[belmontzar]

YAY for the Giant hats ^^ love those references XD

[Aiovas]

MOAR!!! please

[Snadz]

1416993 never said it was, i just feel sorry for spike

[Arcanist Ascendant]

1419235
You really want to know? Fine. Here it is, from an author I greatly admire, R5H. As much as I love the guy, the following lines left me dumbfounded. I could do nothing but stutter incredulously for the next half-hour.

"“That was the Element of Generosity,” Octavia whispered. Vinyl laughed.

"“I know!” she replied, not a trace of surprise in her voice. “I once DJ'd one of her fashion shows, and let me tell you, she really is one of the most generous ponies I've ever seen.” She wolf-whistled."

[BlackWidower]

And that is the best ending I've ever read!

[Happydeath]

1420211 thArcanist Wow... I mean... Just wow.

[Impoxdragon]

Well, if she can do that, she won't get a bowling cutie mark, but I know a great way she can make some extra bits on the side. Hint hint.

Instead of listening to Diamond Tiara and calling bullshit...

It doesn't have to BE Rarity to give him a hard on, it just has to LOOK LIKE Rarity.

Pretty soon she starts speaking in Fancy. Better than her sister always speaking in Git R Done, if you ask me.

Like styling my hair with a loopty-hoop and making Fax Machine my sex slave.

dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png

All of this was excellent.

[Xelak]

Have I mentioned how much I love this series? Truly.

[milesprower06]

1421697
Have I mentioned how much you and everyone else sucks? No, seriously.
-Twilight

[Iryelb]

I always love reading Twilight's friendship reports.

[pononymous]

1421705
Not as much as Rarity.
- Rainbow Dash

[Geist]

Okay Mr. Prower, okay. I finally got to your current "chapter", as it were, in these letters after two sittings, and I have to say, I really enjoyed them. Your way of twisting our sweet little bookworm into Little Miss Mcbitchypants is hilarious. And the humor is great with it's cynical stabs, poignant crudness, and funny referances from both sides of the letter war here.

The concept is simple enough. Turn this > Into this > and add a pinch of these > , for flavor. Salt to taste as needed, of course. And man is this Twilight salty. You could cure bacon with her at this rate.

Very well done so far, Mr. Prower. I'll certainly be waiting to see how the rest turns out.

[StarBlood]

I am at work right now! Do you know how hard it was to contain myself when I saw "zigger"? That's just brilliant!

[Balancer]

1417024The common earth pony one is rock head a non earth pony who is friends with earth ponies is a dirt lover

[lunarstallion]

Ever since you started calling spike fax machine, I've been slipping and calling him that, and people are getting pissed at me. Well done, my friend, well done.

[milesprower06]

1447090 Anytime! Glad I could help mar your social status!