Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by milesprower06

Sonic Rainboom

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Sonic Rainboom

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today, I decided I'm going to forget absolutely everything I learned in my physics classes, for the following reasons:

Just as I was finished cleaning up the library, Rainbow comes crashing through my window. This happened because the mach cone she was forming slingshot her backwards. Not only that, but upon impact, every single book fell from the shelves, yet the ladder managed to stay up. I even got four scrolls in my mouth. Why I'm not the target of every stallion in this town is beyond me. Secondly, the spell book I needed happened to land on Pinkie when she was knocked into the bookcase. In fact, I've slowly started to disregard physics whenever Pinkie is involved with anything.

So Rarity suggested that I find some way to be at the Best Young Flier's competition to cheer Rainbow on, and that absolutely thrilled me. It was my chance to finally get out of this cesspool of a town for a bit. Rarity volunteered to be the test subject for the wings spell in the book. It was brave of her, not knowing the effects, but I suppose, like me, she didn't want lesser ponies to have wings if this spell was too difficult to perform more than once.

Well, turns out it worked, but it took so much energy, that I couldn't preform it more than once. So I found an easier spell that lets unicorns and earth ponies walk on clouds. That way, there was at least some chance that Pinkie and Applejack would fall to amusing deaths.

Rainbow and Fluttershy seemed to be surprised. We had a few hours before the competition, so Dash took us to see how the weather is made. This tour helped me draw two conclusions. One: Cutie Marks are useless. How do ponies with basketball, hoofball, and dumbbell cutie marks end up as employees of the weather factory? Two: I've gathered further evidence that Pinkie is turning into a carnivore. I mean, she tasted the rainbow pools, and everypony knows how the rainbows are made.

Well, those cutie-mark-confused ponies kept teasing Rainbow Dash, or as they put it, Rainbow Crash which is quite the fitting name. She really is terrible at flying. I didn't realize how insecure she was, because their teasing started to get to her. All that confidence and attitude was just a mask. Rarity noticed her weakness, and decided to one-up her and enter the contest herself. Daring, I must say.

So we all went to the Cloudiseum, and found our seats. Pinkie came in with something she calls a 'foam finger'. I don't know where she got it, but that is the most freaky appendage I have ever seen in my entire life. The performances began, and young Pegasi did a variety of tricks. One even managed to press Z or R 32 times.

Rainbow and Rarity came on stage last. Rainbow looked nervous as hell, and Rarity looked like quite the whore. She went into this completely lame midair ballet routine, while Rainbow knocked herself into a cloud pillar, the side of the stadium, and lastly, tried to assassinate you with a cloud. Good job on ducking, by the way.

At the end of it all, Rarity decided to ignore all my warnings, and flew up close to the sun, and got her wings evaporated. Remarkably, she also was able to knock out three of Equestria's finest fliers too. I'm not sure how Rainbow flew fast enough to grab them all, not to mention pulling up at a 90 degree angle. But before she did, she farted a rainbow or something. Fluttershy seemed to be quite excited by it. So all in all, she won the contest, and was awarded first prize.

A threesome with the Wonderbolts. Too bad I can't join in.

Your former, still sexually frustrated former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Comments

[Zanmatsuken]

Brilliant as always.

[Sparklight]

Sparkle never gets any.

[CompleteIndifference]

"A threesome with the Wonderbolts. Too bad I can't join in."
"I even got four scrolls in my mouth. Why I'm not the target of every stallion in this town is beyond me."
"Your former, still sexually frustrated former student,"
Liking the trend

[Frankie]

"Farted a rainbow"?

"You got a problem with that?"

"No. I just it was hilarious."

"Why am i here again?"

[Stirred_Brew]

This story intrigues me

[GiftedMonster]

Another lovely chapter. Twilight is beginning to understand that there is a conspiracy to keep her from the stallions.

Even if she is the poster-child for "hot dog down a hallway" or so it seems.

More!

[Writer12577]

You got featured...

Again...

With chapters that have less than 1,000 words...

*Beep* *Beep*, "Oh sorry, that's my wizard-detector going off"

[Teashakes]

God i love it when you use 'sexually frustrated'

[KillerSteel]

Eventually she'll get some :V. That or she'll kidnap Dash and rape her to within an inch of her life.

sexual frustration, it's what's causing her bad temper.

[Faust]

951255

If I may be so kind as to answer that. It is to my knowledge that if you live in a cesspool, you would tend to use the word 'cesspool' quite a bit.

I'msorrypleasedon'tbanishmetothemoon.

Love ya!

[Ozymandias]

For me, this story started out high and then took a swan dive into an empty concrete pool.

[DualThrone]

951319

And for me, it started high and then rocketed to low planetary orbit. I just wonder who this pony is and what she did with Twilight Sparkle...

[Aurora Dimmet]

951255

Would "shit-hole" work better for you?

[Deus]

Oh god what's it going to be like when you do Lesson Zero XD this fiction is bloody hilarious. Just couldn't stop laughing! good work.

[ArguingPizza]

Sexual Frustration is worst pony

[Cry Havoc]

I've missed these...

[LordCrackle]

Poor Twilight will never get laid.

[Rokas]

These are terrible and awful and hilarious and funny.

Gonna have to watch; I'm curious to see if this Lawful Neutral version of Twilight Sparkle ever gets laid. Or takes the slip down into Lawful Evil.

It'd also be interesting to see one of Celestia's letters back sometime. Maybe a hint of them where she's just as snarky and venomous as Sparkle here.

My former student,

It does nothing but warm my heart to read of your continuing introduction into what the rest of us call "the real world." I am glad to read that your associates have shown you just how fucked up life outside the palace can be, and the sound of our teeth grating would be music to my ears were I close enough to hear. Which I have been, at times; did you think that thunderstorm that trapped Rarity and Applejack was really necessary? Truly, you disappointed me there by not pushing the situation to your advantage. Whatever did I teach you those low-level charm spells for, if not to distract your target from noticing the rohypenol being slipped into their food? I hadn't had a good private session in weeks saving up for that night of voyeurism. Ah well, that's what the royal guards are for, as I'm sure you remember. Oh yes, don't think I didn't know about your little dalliance with Longsword; I had him sent to me right after you two had a little meetup every single time, and I made sure he was cleaned to royal guard standards. Very clean.
With my tongue.
But I digress, as an older mare such as myself is prone to do. Not that you could tell, looking at me; I've looked this good for two thousand years, and I'll still look this good long after you're a pile of ash and a polished skull set on the mantle in my private study. The purpose of my letter is mainly to ask you once again how things are working out for a drop-out loser like yourself? I imagine you've been trying to hit up Pinkie for some weed like all the other listless slackers, but I assure you, her attitude is less a result of drugs than of some sick parenting when she was younger. I shan't bore you with the details, just be aware that you really shouldn't leave her alone too long; she tends to get "ideas." The last time that happened, well, let's just say your musings on cannibalism are not too far off the mark.
In any case, my offer to return to Canterlot and resume your schooling shall remain open, with the stipulations I put forth in my last letter. Luna is quite hopeful you'll accept; she's always wanted a pet. Try not to spend too much time deciding, dear, for Ponyville is on the edge of the Everfree Forest for a reason. I once encountered a roving band of gypsies who had the gall to set up a camp outside of Canterlot's walls and sell seeds without a royal bribe, so I gave them a small land grant just west of Painful Death Forest (I renamed it "Everfree" just before then, coincidentally) just to get them out of my mane. I was quite surprised the foals didn't starve to death nor were eaten by monsters, and since then I've made Ponyville my dumping ground for undesirables, mutants, and the unclean.
Of course, that's not why I sent you there. I just wanted you out of here for a bit so you wouldn't try to jump the guards long enough for us to train the new recruits in their proper "duties". I value your companionship, and enjoyed being your tutor. Seems I may have been wrong, however, if you feel the need to remain amongst the chaff just to spite me, but if that is the case, then it becomes a win-win situation for me.
Now, be a dear and keep those notes coming. Your suffering is like candy for my soul, and it will make your inevitable breaking that much more enjoyable.

Your Eternal Princess, God-Empress of Ponydom, Celestia

P.S. Luna wants to know your bit size.

[Pjoelj]

Okay, if that was a reference to Rainbow factory, I'm not sure whether I should love or hate you for it.

[Wayward Mind]

The transformation begins. Twilust is coming.

Seriously, I love this fic!

[MythrilMoth]

Loving it!

[White Wolf]

milesprower06, something tells me you'll be getting a vist from Twilight with your "friendshipship" letters in her Telekintic grip. She will be giving you an earful on proper friendship lesson.

[Shamus_Aran]

951551 I'm grinning so wide at this it hurts.

[Obsidian]

951839>>951551

It would be awesome to see some returned letters. Especially if they were written like that.

[MyWorld93]

951551

Did you write that or did it come from somewhere else? Because if you wrote them, good job and you should try writing some more.

[Dusky Flower]

951335

...

Why are there bananas on the moon, anyway?

Shouldn't it be cheese?

Or... Marshmallow?

[Rokas]

951904
I did write that as a lark, yes. I have been known to write things now and again.

[MyWorld93]

951989

Like I said, good job. It was an interesting read.

[Grtgfbll]

Why do I have the feeling that these are the letters she sends the slow way so the others don't find out what she REALLY thinks?

[Faust]

951335

That question, along with your profile pic, is a bit traumatizing. xD

[JimboTex]

951816
Maybe then Twilight will finally get laid... *rimshot*

951646

The transformation begins. Twilust is coming.

The double entendres! They hurt!

[LastLight]

So no one has said it then, well I guess its up to me then.

Fox! Do a barrel roll.

[TheApexSovereign]

"Rarity looked like quite the whore."

Brilliant.

[Alaborn]

951989 I recommend submitting that as a story here. As long as it's 1000 words.

[infinite scratch]

lol threesome with the wonderbolts! Yep that sounds like 1st prize

[Meliron]

Haha, this brightened my morning. I had a huge grin the entire time.

[swimkid628]

"Your former, still sexually frustrated former student"

Twilight, you have mail from the department of redundancy department.

[banjo2E]

16 consecutive barrel rolls?

Well, at least he'll be able to beat Andross' inevitable suction attack that always happens before you can ever damage him.

[fluttershywriter]

ah phew, you're back. the last couple of letters weren't fantastic as the first few, and I was getting a bit nervous. But now you're back, as awesome as ever.

[theswimminbrony]

Star Fox reference... you're my hero.

Rarity: Something's wrong with the G-diffuser!
Twilight: Use the boost to get through!
*Rainbow Dash saves Rarity*
Rarity: Gee, I've been saved by Dash, how swell.

[nemryn]

How do ponies with basketball, hoofball, and dumbbell cutie marks end up as employees of the weather factory?

That's actually a pretty good question. Uh, let's see, I guess the weather factory found things for them to do that made use of their respective throwing, kicking, and lifting skills?

[kiwiman40]

951551
that is a surprisingly good idea, and a nice way to show it.

[Natzo]

...Cutie Marks are useless... but our lives! *dies*

[White Wolf]

While still amusing, this one isn't as funny as the others. Most likely its because Sonic Rainboom is my all time favorite episode.

[Calcenir]

This is hilarious

[BBJBS]

Keep up the good work!

[Valikdu]

>> I mean, she tasted the rainbow pools, and everypony knows how the rainbows are made.

I remember...

[Leaping Beat]

Rainbow Factory reference!

[Pleaseworkforonce]

951551 LOL
that made me laugh more than this chapter

[milesprower06]

963848 Thanks for reading. I'm currently struggling with Part 17.

When I first started out, I flirted with the idea of, for comedic flair, making the letters I was struggling with just one or two sentences long. Not sure if I'm going to stick with that. We'll see.