Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Anniversary Bonus Chapter
Letters To The Disgruntled Cast
Crowquill Symphony
Dear Spike the Dragon,
Have you ever considered smacking Twilight upside the head? More importantly, has there ever been a situation where you actually could have or simply have done so? Seriously, she does not seem to give you even the slightest modicum of decency, and with the frequency of belittling and insults I would be honestly shocked if you hadn't at least considered the possibility.
Side note, did you burp this note up, or did it wind up in the regular post?
To Crowquill Symphony,
Of course I've considered it. But I've started to realize that you have to take the good with the bad. Twilight doesn't like it here in Ponyville, and yet she's been royally obligated to rule over this place.
Besides, I can masturbate nightly. Twilight groans in frustration nightly.
-Spike
PeachQuill
Dear Rainbow Dash,
I thought you'd have a little mental breakdown when Maud said that she didn't like winning instead of gasping like you did.
Sincerely,
One-Who-Has-Mental-Breakdowns-Often
Dear PeachQuill,
I no longer have mental breakdowns over filthy casuals who don't care about winning and are just looking for a "good game". They do in fact exist, and I have come to terms with it. I just wish the developers of rock throwing simulators would stop catering to them. They need to take out the Nuclear Rocksplosion perk. It's way OP'd.
-Rainbow Dash
sk8ordie237
Dear Rarity,
You fucking bitch.
I have been chasing you for about four years now and I don't get shit out of it? I mean really I was there for you when that Tenderhoof faggot was trying to fuck that lesbo hick, and I don't even get anything?
And what the hell did you mean "Oh, Spike, how could you ever know what it's like to be totally obsessed with a pony only to find out they're obsessed with somepony else?" My fucking scaly ass, I have bent over backwards for you and you still treat me like dirt. I was the one who actually tried to win your heart and all I get is the biggest cock-tease in existence. I have done everything and then some alright, so you know what? I'm fucking done with your shit.
Maybe Applejack's sister would like a night with Spike
Go fuck yourself,
Spike
Darling, you forget that as a unicorn with a variety of sex toys, I could very well fuck myself. But Twilight has warned me about the possibility of dragon-pony offspring, and I just can't risk it. It's bad enough that my parents dump Sweetie Belle over here oh so often.
But hey, if you want to go over to Sweet Apple Acres to try your luck with Apple Bloom, or what she's probably known as, the family hay cart, go for it.
- Rarity
Biker Dash
Dear Applejack,
How do you manage to keep that bitchy princess out of your brother's bed? Or your sister's bed, for that matter?
Her opinion of my family's sexual practices aside, I'm pretty certain I've protected my family quite effectively by successfully spreading the rumor that we carry a particularly nasty strain of Alicorn AIDS.
SuperPinkBrony12
Dear Pinkie Pie,
Have you ever maybe noticed how, whenever you need your friends the most they seem to either abandon you, or just stand there and do nothing?
Don't you think you deserve better then that? I mean after all, you're friends, right?
Perhaps you and your friends could make some "Cupcakes". I hear they're great a bonding experience, as long as you remember the secret ingreident.
Sincerely,
SuperPinkBrony12
Why the fuck would we have been prepared to help her? Shouldn't she have seen that coming with her pinkie sense?
-Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy
Alticron
Dear Rainbow Dash,
My little sister was wondering what rainbows are made of, and I figured you could tell her since you work in weather production. Also, have you seen her missing friend, Aurora? She's been missing ever since her flight exam.
I can come anywhere. Just have to hit the right spots. Weather production's got nothing to do with it.
You'll want to contact the Cloudsdale Guard Captain to file a missing pony report.
Ruby Rose
How the hell do you manage to survive with those nutjobs?
-Sincerely, Ruby.
According to how long dragons live, by knowing that eventually I will get to dance on their graves.
- Spike
Tatsurou
I'm pretty sure that you're unhappy with your servitude to Twilight Sparkle. My question for you is why do you stay with her? Surely there are better options for you? If staying with Applejack didn't work out and Rarity doesn't want your fire around her fabrics, why not stay over with Fluttershy? She's sure to give you a good home, comfortable lodgings, and few if any chores. Doesn't that sound like paradise?
Simple. For some reason, the owl is easier to put up with than the rabbit. Twilight's just a bitch. Fluttershy would try to convert me to worship Lord Smooze.
-Spike
Monochromation
I was just wondering why your family's apples are the only ones I see in the marketplace anymore. I mean, ever since you ran those Flim Flam idiots out of town for a second time via lynch mob, I haven't seen any products from competing farms, or even off-brand products that use your apples. I'm not complaining, mind you, but I am simply confused at this seemingly complete absence of competition in the local apple market. Is it even possible to monopolize a city like Ponyville.
Sincerely,
Monochrome
You'd be amazed what the wrong kind of pesticides can do to competing orchards.
-Applejack
y2kbrony
I would gladly pleasure you because I'm just as horny as you are.
Yours Truly,
Dusk Shine
Dear Dusk Shine,
I have no idea who you are, but I'm beginning to think that the only pony who could satisfy me is if I cloned myself and gave it a dick.
-Twilight Sparkle
forevertheDoctor
Well. I'm disappointed to say the least. All I asked you to do was to act like a normal pony in front of my friends. IS THAT SO FUCKING HARD?! First of all, you have super pony strength. WHY DO YOU WASTE IT ON THROWING ROCKS?! Go save Equestria and do something useful for once. Jesus. Second of all, you tried to peel an APPLE with a ROCK?! What are we, still in the Stone Age? USE A FUCKING PEELER LIKE A NORMAL PONY. Parents should get offended and mute you because you're such a RETARD! Yes, I broke the fourth wall, what are you gonna do about it?? I don't care WHAT you say, WEARING A DIRTY DISH TOWEL DOES NOT MAKE YOU A HIPSTER. So just shut the fuck up about it. It's never gonna be a fad. Also, Fluttershy had the decency to show you an intelligent beautiful spider which I totally did not crush when her back was turned. But you only cared about THE ROCK AND SHE BLUSHED LIKE A LITTLE JAPANESE SCHOOL GIRL. *sighs* speaking of ROCKS. What did I tell you about your poems? Huh? Was it to never recite them ever or I would murder you? Yes, I think that was it. But no. You have to say it for Twilight. "Rock. You are a rock. Grey. You are grey. Like a rock. Which you are." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! How many times have I told you? You're not Emilneigh Dickinson. Emilneigh Dickinson didn't write about ROCKS! But she DID have mental problems. Pshht...hehehe...she has "dick" in her name, lol. Ehem! As I was SAYING. I wanted you to have a good relationship with my friends. The Element Bearers. Celebrities. And what do I do? I waste all my time and energy to build a big ass obstacle course. And you still had that same fucking face: T_T and I was like: 8( and then I didn't want to live on this planet anymore. You know, that rock mountain of death was supposed to kill YOU. But by then I was ready to commit suicide. Why don't you think anypony did anything? Because friends know when other friends want to kill themselves! But NOOO you had to spoil everything with your fancy schmancy jackhammer powers! Bitch. You don't deserve a rock candy necklace. You know what? I don't want to see you smile, smile, smile. Go die in a hole.
<3, Pinkamena Diane Pie
Ps, WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T LIKE CANDY?!
Pss, You remember your first pet rock, Rocky? I threw him in the well. I THREW
HIM IN THE FUCKING WELL.
Dear whoever you are,
You're definitely not my sister. Pinkie is verbose, but not that... Sadistic. So whoever you are, it sounds like you need a cupcake.
Be sure to get extra sprinkles.
-Maud
Scurvy
Dear Tom,
You are a rock. Rocks don't write letters. They're rocks.
-Maud Pie
Dear Maud,
You want to know what it is like to be a rock? Go kick a cockatrice and live a day in my shoes.
-Tom
Starlight Nova
Dear Rainbow Dash,
How come you and your friends haven't tried to kill Twilight yet?
We're still trying to get the legality kinks worked out. We're trying to come up with a convincing name for the proposition before sending it off to the courts. How's the Cuntnugget Amendment sound?
-Rainbow Dash
milesprower06 (Hats off to kudzuhaiku)
Dear Princess Twilight,
Since you've had all sorts of adventures that called for mediating others in Ponyville, I was wondering if you had any royal tips for raising foals.
Sincerely,
Holly Heartwood
Dear Holly,
I hear a good paddling or caning works wonders on disobedient orphans.
And hey, if you ever get tired of it altogether, you can just burn it to the ground.
What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
kudzuhaiku
Dear Princess Twilight,
What is the best way to find no strings attached sex when you are a socially retarded introvert?
I figured you would know.
Sincerely,
Noctilucent
Dear Noctilcuent,
Find a desperate, socially retarded mare, of course. Or stallion, if that's your thing.
Hey wait a minute...
-Princess Twilight
Dear Princess Twilight
How does it feel being a social parasite and a symbol of oppression over a nation that deserves democratic freedom?
Just think. You get paid to oppress your fellow ponies.
Sincerely, Graves the Donkey
Oh would you look at that. A donkey advocating for political parties. Huge surprise there. Go fuck an elephant you damn ass.
-Princess Twilight
Arthur Derpmanson
Dear Princess Twlight Sparkle,
Would you rather fist Rainbow Dash, or piss on Prince Blueblood?
Your subject,
Arthur Derpmanson
Dear Arthur,
That's so cute. You say it like I have to choose. Because both at the same time sounds pretty hot.
Sincerely,
Princess Twilight
Aile Alpha
Hello there. I just have one questions for you: what is it with you and sex? Don't you know that pre-marital sex is immoral? And that includes masturbation. I hereby dub you Most Immoral Princess of the 2000s.
Sincerely, Aile Alpha
Dear Aile,
Of the 2000's? I'm flattered that, it being only 2014, that you think I'm the horniest thing that's going to come along for the next thousand years.
Sincerely,
Princess Twilight
Magical Pegasister
Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,
If your sarcastic, racist, grouchy, sex-obsessed personality wasn't so damn hilarious, I would be disgusted by you. I mean, you are a horrible pony, but I want to read about you more. Maybe there's something wrong with you. Go see a therapist. Or totally abuse your royal authority and commission a host bar/male brothel. Your call.Sincerely,
A (Not Really) Disgusted Fan of Yours
Dear Pegasister,
Why do you think I would want a brothel composed solely of stallions? I don't care who they are, just as long as they put out. I've brought up the idea before, but everypony shies away from it every time I bring up an "Unsatisfied Princess" penalty. There have to be consequences for not giving me my release, I really don't know why they're all surprised by that.
Any suggestions would be royally appreciated. I, of course, claim credit for any and all ideas submitted.
Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
JumpingShinyFrogs
Dear Princess Luna,
What kind of disturbing sexiness do you see most often in Twilight's dreams? It struck me as something you would know a lot about.
Dear Shining Frogs Who Hath Been Jumping,
It is tricky, describing this. When in the mind of Twilight, if it is disturbing, it is most likely not sexy. Her dream that made me shudder the most was when she turned into a plushie and then one of those mythical humans proposed to her. I still really cannot formulate a completely rational thought on that. Ever since she installed Digital Dreams Management, or DDM, it has been considerably more difficult to tap into her dreams.
Cordially,
Princess Luna
Starlight Shadow
Dear Princess Twilight,
Have you ever considered getting in on one of Big Mac and Applejack's hot nights? They call him Big Mac for a reason, and three's better than two! I bet you're great in the sack.
Your dear reader,
Starlight Shadow
Dear Starlight Shadow,
I'm sorry to have to report this, but it seems that due to their rampant inbreeding, they have developed some kind of disease called Alicorn AIDS. Applejack told me that it would make my wings constantly molt and my horn to go completely flaccid. So as much as I would like that magnificent stallion meat inside me, I'm afraid that I can't let that happen.
Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Kamiyaltsuno
Dear Princess Celestia,
Yes I am here to complain about your former student Twilight.
One week ago, I asked her to apologize to the world for sharing her name with a terrible book, and legally change it.
I have come to notice that no matter how many bad deeds Twilight does, you never seem to punish her. I am wondering if that is because she pays you to pull a few strings in the form of sexual favors, this would also explain you making her an alicorn.Sincerely,
Kamiyaltsuno
Dear Kamiya-whatever the hell your name is,
It's quite bold of you to assume that I give any kind of a flying flank about that backwater town. Seriously, if it were to randomly explode because of all her shenanigans, I would not be surprised in the slightest.
And I obviously made her an alicorn so ponies could point and laugh at her wingboners. She gets excited like, all the time.
Now go away before I give you a banana.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Arxsys
Lyra,
I still can't believe you haven't paid me for my "custom" services. Everypony in town knows about your little tryst with Bon Bon. Somehow I doubt that they would be as willing to accept your alternative lifestyle if they really understood what goes on in your bedroom. Yes, I am speaking of those ghastly abominations that you commissioned from me. Personally, I don't care what you order so long as you actually pay for it. Somehow I doubt that anypony will want to purchase any of the items you have ordered, second hand or otherwise.
Your current bill, including the piece I am currently working on is 173 bits. Yes, I said one hundred seventy three bits. The materials used are expensive, and the time spent polishing your "unmentionables" is valuable. I really don't want to know what you are doing with my work, but am fairly certain I have a fair idea because of your somewhat graphic sketches. Pay up or I'll forget to polish a random spot on that marble "hand" thing you ordered. You won't make that mistake again.
As always, remember to use plenty of care and lubrication with my wares. We don't want to end up with something broken or stuck after all. That would be a shame before the curator of the Canterlot museum arrives to inspect your gallery.
As always, pay up.
Polly
Dear Polly,
Maybe having Derpy picking up the check from my mailbox wasn't the best idea.
You'll get your money, don't worry. Just keep those fingers coming.
-Lyra
Trolleroids
Dear Vinyl Scratch,
For God's sake, will you let me sleep? All day and all night, I was forced to listen to your confounded "music." I'm a god damn insomniac because of you!
And whenever I do fall asleep is when I'm at work! God dammit, thanks to you, I got fired! Now I can't even afford food.
I sometimes think to myself, is burning your house down to ashes worth it? Yes, I might be imprisoned for it but, other ponies just like me would be more than overjoyed to sleep in peace once more.
So you better watch it, "DJ-PON3." Unless, you want to be homeless.
-A very disgruntled local pony
To whomever tasteless pony it may concern,
It's a scientifically proven fact that wubs do wonders for the REM cycle. And if you want to go through the trouble of arson, be my guest.
Your mistake if you think my bass cannon isn't built to withstand temperatures up to eight hundred degrees.
Sincerely,
Vinyl Scratch, DJ-P0N3
The one with the raising of the foals was the best one.
Sweet Lord, two years... I can only hope I stay on this site for that long! Just one more to go!
Dude, I love you in a completely heterosexual and platonic way. Freaking Bravo
4509360 *points to author's note*
I know you had three of them, but I just couldn't come up with anything. I read each at least twice in the time I had to devote to this event, but with how many I got, I didn't spend too long trying to come up with appropriate responses. That generally hasn't worked in the history of the story anyway. The humor is either there or it isn't; time isn't much of a factor.
I like to see you do more chapters of letters from fans these are good at least doing responses to these will keep you busy until rainbow rocks comes around even till season five next year .....
Maybe you could accept submissions from this site as well as fan fiction . Net as well I look forward to more from this fic
Helllllaaaa mine got put in!!!!!!
4509388 Fanfiction.net accounts for just about 10% of the traffic Letters gets, and reader interaction is borderline non-existent. It's almost as bad as DeviantArt, except over at DA I didn't even really get the traffic either.
I'm not really active on FFnet because technically, mature content is not allowed, as I'm writing more and more of that. For example, Sexcapades, Young At Heart, and all four of my Mistress Do Well spin-offs have not been posted over there.
Also, interactive content is also not allowed, as per their guidelines. So it wouldn't really be fair to take letters and suggestions from those readers, and post it JUST over here.
I love this site because for the past 3 years, I have primarily only written pony fiction, the rules are looser, and interaction with my readers is very easy.
Congratulations on two years of rabid cunt!
Well thought I'd help with a suggestion but your right it would be kinda unfair but I'd admit fan fiction. Net are kinda strict I remember reading a m.u.g.e.n. fanfic ( which is a computer software game that is a fan made two d fighter where you can have various characters from 2d games or sprites like ken from street fighter vs Simon Belmont from castlevania I do know there are various mlp characters but some aren't very good or kinda underpowered) the fic was either deleted or I don't know where to find it .... I also remember there being Archie comics fanfics before the company shut those down cause some the content didn't meet their standards although they seem to up their content having a homosexual character which is a cool idea and the current afterlife with Archie zombie apocolipse comic which seemed like a silly idea at first glance UNTIL you actually read it thinking its going to the usual laughs UNTIL characters start bring killed off its good if your into that kind of stuff I highly recommend it but yeah I really love this fanfic and you got the sharp wit that I enjoy its almost family guy materiel keep it up ^^
Two years, congratulations to that. Let us celebrate two years of a thoroughly unlikable
purple ponycunt that we enjoy watching screw herself and everyone over while also being screwed over herself.The addition of these fan written letters was a good idea, I enjoyed the idea and would be interested in want may come if you ever decide to do another round or so of this. Alicorn AIDS, Twilight believes an "dirt" pony in saying there is Alicorn AIDS....
Ha, I love Luna's response to my one
Of course you did.
Oh fuck yes.
WOOT! I made it in!
All the win.
And not a single appledash one in all of this? I'm disappointed!
The letters to Maud and Spike were pure, epic win. Most excellent.
These letters answered a lot of questions. Some more puzzling than others.
4509437 You make a valid point here, which confirms why this is one of my favorite places on the web.
I have not found a more active fanfiction site than this. Just shows that pony fiction is WAY superior to all other fandoms!
4510241 Maybe you should have submitted an Appledash-themed letter.
4510522
I should have! I guess i missed the blog post for that. I'm just disappointed no one else did anything :P
I laughed SO hard to Twilight's response to my letter. Plus, now that she has the ugly crystal castle, she could kidnap ponies and force them to be her sex slaves. Or something.
DARN IT! Man I was hoping to see mine!
Alicorn Aids FTW!
Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle:
Did you know that Flash Sentry has been diagnosed with alicorn AIDS?
Your ever-cautious friend, Princess Celestia.
Dear Princess Celestia:
Was that before or after you imprisoned him as a sex slave?
Your horny former student, Princess Twilight Sparkle.
Dear Twilight Sparkle:
Did you know that alicorn AIDS only affects alicorns who are less than 1000 years old?
Your mocking Princess, Celestia.
To my despised sister:
Is that so? Then hand over the flashy one so that I may relieve my tension.
Your horny sister, Princess Luna.
Dear Princess Celestia,
TIL that it is physically possible to laugh and vomit at the same time. I do not recommend it.
Your subject,
VNIlla
all i can say is congrats and
Will there be another letters thing? I missed this one (obviosly)
To the Glorious Princess Twilight Sparkle,
My hands are your will and my soul is your property. Whatever task you want completed I will move heaven and earth to see that it is done. From anything as menial as cleaning out the toilets in your castle, to something as big as regicide, or even Deicide if that is what it comes to, I will happily carry it out. Any chore you want done, any law you want broken, I will walk through Tartarus to see that it is carried out in your honor. No task is too big, no request is too small, no job is too demeaning for me to see through for your glory. If you have any carnal desires you wish me to fulfill, I will literally bend over backwards to please you, my princess. I am your willing slave. I will loudly praise and exalt your name and discreetly carry out your darkest wills and desires. And when you tire of me, I will happily let you take my life. I will also proudly lay down my life in defense of your honor. I swear this on an oath of blood. I am at your beck and call, and at your beckon call. If ever you need a patsy to take the fall for you, call on me, your forever faithful servant. I will gladly fall on any dagger or sword that is meant for you.
It is all for the glory, honor, and righteousness of the Magnificent Princess Twilight Sparkle. Long may you reign.
Your unworthy and lowly knight,
Neko Majin C.
Genius. Pure genius.
Congratulations on two years, over a million views, over sixty thousand words and seven thousand seven hundred ninety-nine comments.
KBO.
Response to Alticron's letter:
Uh… Am I the only one who saw this?
I'm not sure if RD's whoring herself to make them or if you mean that "it can come from anywhere".
Mere words cannot describe the ironic genius you have just written dear Miles.
Damn, I should've said something...
I don't know why, but I really liked the Noctilucent and Graves letters. Maybe it's because they're my favorite characters in that story. In other news, Twilight might have given up inter-dimensional twincest, and I have no shortage of guffaws.
OK U laughed out loud to a lot of these
good work
I got in? I'm flattered.
That is... a fair point, I guess.
Note to self: continue memory exercises. Full stops and question marks are not interchangeable.
This isn't a reference to https://derpiboo.ru/166532?scope=scpe8b9c59b5f32c6f560a8406495323716c612ea710 is it?
4861025
That comic...
Ouch... damn... right in the feels...
Huh, Kudz has some stuff here... Neat.