• Published 7th Jun 2012
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Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student - milesprower06



Twilight Sparkle is being sent to Ponyville to learn about friendship. She's not happy about it.

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Anniversary Bonus Chapter: Letters To The Disgruntled Cast

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Anniversary Bonus Chapter
Letters To The Disgruntled Cast

Crowquill Symphony

Dear Spike the Dragon,

Have you ever considered smacking Twilight upside the head? More importantly, has there ever been a situation where you actually could have or simply have done so? Seriously, she does not seem to give you even the slightest modicum of decency, and with the frequency of belittling and insults I would be honestly shocked if you hadn't at least considered the possibility.

Side note, did you burp this note up, or did it wind up in the regular post?

To Crowquill Symphony,

Of course I've considered it. But I've started to realize that you have to take the good with the bad. Twilight doesn't like it here in Ponyville, and yet she's been royally obligated to rule over this place.

Besides, I can masturbate nightly. Twilight groans in frustration nightly.

-Spike


PeachQuill

Dear Rainbow Dash,

I thought you'd have a little mental breakdown when Maud said that she didn't like winning instead of gasping like you did.

Sincerely,
One-Who-Has-Mental-Breakdowns-Often

Dear PeachQuill,

I no longer have mental breakdowns over filthy casuals who don't care about winning and are just looking for a "good game". They do in fact exist, and I have come to terms with it. I just wish the developers of rock throwing simulators would stop catering to them. They need to take out the Nuclear Rocksplosion perk. It's way OP'd.

-Rainbow Dash


sk8ordie237

Dear Rarity,

You fucking bitch.

I have been chasing you for about four years now and I don't get shit out of it? I mean really I was there for you when that Tenderhoof faggot was trying to fuck that lesbo hick, and I don't even get anything?

And what the hell did you mean "Oh, Spike, how could you ever know what it's like to be totally obsessed with a pony only to find out they're obsessed with somepony else?" My fucking scaly ass, I have bent over backwards for you and you still treat me like dirt. I was the one who actually tried to win your heart and all I get is the biggest cock-tease in existence. I have done everything and then some alright, so you know what? I'm fucking done with your shit.

Maybe Applejack's sister would like a night with Spike

Go fuck yourself,
Spike

Darling, you forget that as a unicorn with a variety of sex toys, I could very well fuck myself. But Twilight has warned me about the possibility of dragon-pony offspring, and I just can't risk it. It's bad enough that my parents dump Sweetie Belle over here oh so often.

But hey, if you want to go over to Sweet Apple Acres to try your luck with Apple Bloom, or what she's probably known as, the family hay cart, go for it.

- Rarity


Biker Dash

Dear Applejack,

How do you manage to keep that bitchy princess out of your brother's bed? Or your sister's bed, for that matter?

Her opinion of my family's sexual practices aside, I'm pretty certain I've protected my family quite effectively by successfully spreading the rumor that we carry a particularly nasty strain of Alicorn AIDS.


SuperPinkBrony12

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Have you ever maybe noticed how, whenever you need your friends the most they seem to either abandon you, or just stand there and do nothing?

Don't you think you deserve better then that? I mean after all, you're friends, right?

Perhaps you and your friends could make some "Cupcakes". I hear they're great a bonding experience, as long as you remember the secret ingreident.

Sincerely,
SuperPinkBrony12

Why the fuck would we have been prepared to help her? Shouldn't she have seen that coming with her pinkie sense?

-Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy


Alticron

Dear Rainbow Dash,

My little sister was wondering what rainbows are made of, and I figured you could tell her since you work in weather production. Also, have you seen her missing friend, Aurora? She's been missing ever since her flight exam.

I can come anywhere. Just have to hit the right spots. Weather production's got nothing to do with it.

You'll want to contact the Cloudsdale Guard Captain to file a missing pony report.


Ruby Rose

How the hell do you manage to survive with those nutjobs?
-Sincerely, Ruby.

According to how long dragons live, by knowing that eventually I will get to dance on their graves.
- Spike


Tatsurou

I'm pretty sure that you're unhappy with your servitude to Twilight Sparkle. My question for you is why do you stay with her? Surely there are better options for you? If staying with Applejack didn't work out and Rarity doesn't want your fire around her fabrics, why not stay over with Fluttershy? She's sure to give you a good home, comfortable lodgings, and few if any chores. Doesn't that sound like paradise?

Simple. For some reason, the owl is easier to put up with than the rabbit. Twilight's just a bitch. Fluttershy would try to convert me to worship Lord Smooze.

-Spike


Monochromation

I was just wondering why your family's apples are the only ones I see in the marketplace anymore. I mean, ever since you ran those Flim Flam idiots out of town for a second time via lynch mob, I haven't seen any products from competing farms, or even off-brand products that use your apples. I'm not complaining, mind you, but I am simply confused at this seemingly complete absence of competition in the local apple market. Is it even possible to monopolize a city like Ponyville.

Sincerely,
Monochrome

You'd be amazed what the wrong kind of pesticides can do to competing orchards.

-Applejack


y2kbrony

I would gladly pleasure you because I'm just as horny as you are.
Yours Truly,
Dusk Shine

Dear Dusk Shine,
I have no idea who you are, but I'm beginning to think that the only pony who could satisfy me is if I cloned myself and gave it a dick.

-Twilight Sparkle


forevertheDoctor

Well. I'm disappointed to say the least. All I asked you to do was to act like a normal pony in front of my friends. IS THAT SO FUCKING HARD?! First of all, you have super pony strength. WHY DO YOU WASTE IT ON THROWING ROCKS?! Go save Equestria and do something useful for once. Jesus. Second of all, you tried to peel an APPLE with a ROCK?! What are we, still in the Stone Age? USE A FUCKING PEELER LIKE A NORMAL PONY. Parents should get offended and mute you because you're such a RETARD! Yes, I broke the fourth wall, what are you gonna do about it?? I don't care WHAT you say, WEARING A DIRTY DISH TOWEL DOES NOT MAKE YOU A HIPSTER. So just shut the fuck up about it. It's never gonna be a fad. Also, Fluttershy had the decency to show you an intelligent beautiful spider which I totally did not crush when her back was turned. But you only cared about THE ROCK AND SHE BLUSHED LIKE A LITTLE JAPANESE SCHOOL GIRL. *sighs* speaking of ROCKS. What did I tell you about your poems? Huh? Was it to never recite them ever or I would murder you? Yes, I think that was it. But no. You have to say it for Twilight. "Rock. You are a rock. Grey. You are grey. Like a rock. Which you are." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! How many times have I told you? You're not Emilneigh Dickinson. Emilneigh Dickinson didn't write about ROCKS! But she DID have mental problems. Pshht...hehehe...she has "dick" in her name, lol. Ehem! As I was SAYING. I wanted you to have a good relationship with my friends. The Element Bearers. Celebrities. And what do I do? I waste all my time and energy to build a big ass obstacle course. And you still had that same fucking face: T_T and I was like: 8( and then I didn't want to live on this planet anymore. You know, that rock mountain of death was supposed to kill YOU. But by then I was ready to commit suicide. Why don't you think anypony did anything? Because friends know when other friends want to kill themselves! But NOOO you had to spoil everything with your fancy schmancy jackhammer powers! Bitch. You don't deserve a rock candy necklace. You know what? I don't want to see you smile, smile, smile. Go die in a hole.
<3, Pinkamena Diane Pie
Ps, WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T LIKE CANDY?!
Pss, You remember your first pet rock, Rocky? I threw him in the well. I THREW
HIM IN THE FUCKING WELL.

Dear whoever you are,

You're definitely not my sister. Pinkie is verbose, but not that... Sadistic. So whoever you are, it sounds like you need a cupcake.

Be sure to get extra sprinkles.

-Maud


Scurvy

Dear Tom,
You are a rock. Rocks don't write letters. They're rocks.
-Maud Pie

Dear Maud,

You want to know what it is like to be a rock? Go kick a cockatrice and live a day in my shoes.

-Tom


Starlight Nova

Dear Rainbow Dash,

How come you and your friends haven't tried to kill Twilight yet?

We're still trying to get the legality kinks worked out. We're trying to come up with a convincing name for the proposition before sending it off to the courts. How's the Cuntnugget Amendment sound?

-Rainbow Dash


milesprower06 (Hats off to kudzuhaiku)

Dear Princess Twilight,

Since you've had all sorts of adventures that called for mediating others in Ponyville, I was wondering if you had any royal tips for raising foals.

Sincerely,
Holly Heartwood

Dear Holly,

I hear a good paddling or caning works wonders on disobedient orphans.

And hey, if you ever get tired of it altogether, you can just burn it to the ground.

What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle


kudzuhaiku

Dear Princess Twilight,

What is the best way to find no strings attached sex when you are a socially retarded introvert?

I figured you would know.

Sincerely,
Noctilucent

Dear Noctilcuent,

Find a desperate, socially retarded mare, of course. Or stallion, if that's your thing.

Hey wait a minute...

-Princess Twilight

Dear Princess Twilight

How does it feel being a social parasite and a symbol of oppression over a nation that deserves democratic freedom?

Just think. You get paid to oppress your fellow ponies.

Sincerely, Graves the Donkey

Oh would you look at that. A donkey advocating for political parties. Huge surprise there. Go fuck an elephant you damn ass.

-Princess Twilight


Arthur Derpmanson

Dear Princess Twlight Sparkle,
Would you rather fist Rainbow Dash, or piss on Prince Blueblood?
Your subject,
Arthur Derpmanson

Dear Arthur,

That's so cute. You say it like I have to choose. Because both at the same time sounds pretty hot.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight


Aile Alpha

Hello there. I just have one questions for you: what is it with you and sex? Don't you know that pre-marital sex is immoral? And that includes masturbation. I hereby dub you Most Immoral Princess of the 2000s.
Sincerely, Aile Alpha

Dear Aile,

Of the 2000's? I'm flattered that, it being only 2014, that you think I'm the horniest thing that's going to come along for the next thousand years.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight


Magical Pegasister

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,
If your sarcastic, racist, grouchy, sex-obsessed personality wasn't so damn hilarious, I would be disgusted by you. I mean, you are a horrible pony, but I want to read about you more. Maybe there's something wrong with you. Go see a therapist. Or totally abuse your royal authority and commission a host bar/male brothel. Your call.

Sincerely,
A (Not Really) Disgusted Fan of Yours

Dear Pegasister,

Why do you think I would want a brothel composed solely of stallions? I don't care who they are, just as long as they put out. I've brought up the idea before, but everypony shies away from it every time I bring up an "Unsatisfied Princess" penalty. There have to be consequences for not giving me my release, I really don't know why they're all surprised by that.

Any suggestions would be royally appreciated. I, of course, claim credit for any and all ideas submitted.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle


JumpingShinyFrogs

Dear Princess Luna,
What kind of disturbing sexiness do you see most often in Twilight's dreams? It struck me as something you would know a lot about.

Dear Shining Frogs Who Hath Been Jumping,

It is tricky, describing this. When in the mind of Twilight, if it is disturbing, it is most likely not sexy. Her dream that made me shudder the most was when she turned into a plushie and then one of those mythical humans proposed to her. I still really cannot formulate a completely rational thought on that. Ever since she installed Digital Dreams Management, or DDM, it has been considerably more difficult to tap into her dreams.

Cordially,
Princess Luna


Starlight Shadow

Dear Princess Twilight,

Have you ever considered getting in on one of Big Mac and Applejack's hot nights? They call him Big Mac for a reason, and three's better than two! I bet you're great in the sack.

Your dear reader,
Starlight Shadow

Dear Starlight Shadow,

I'm sorry to have to report this, but it seems that due to their rampant inbreeding, they have developed some kind of disease called Alicorn AIDS. Applejack told me that it would make my wings constantly molt and my horn to go completely flaccid. So as much as I would like that magnificent stallion meat inside me, I'm afraid that I can't let that happen.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle


Kamiyaltsuno

Dear Princess Celestia,

Yes I am here to complain about your former student Twilight.

One week ago, I asked her to apologize to the world for sharing her name with a terrible book, and legally change it.
I have come to notice that no matter how many bad deeds Twilight does, you never seem to punish her. I am wondering if that is because she pays you to pull a few strings in the form of sexual favors, this would also explain you making her an alicorn.

Sincerely,
Kamiyaltsuno

Dear Kamiya-whatever the hell your name is,

It's quite bold of you to assume that I give any kind of a flying flank about that backwater town. Seriously, if it were to randomly explode because of all her shenanigans, I would not be surprised in the slightest.

And I obviously made her an alicorn so ponies could point and laugh at her wingboners. She gets excited like, all the time.

Now go away before I give you a banana.

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia


Arxsys

Lyra,

I still can't believe you haven't paid me for my "custom" services. Everypony in town knows about your little tryst with Bon Bon. Somehow I doubt that they would be as willing to accept your alternative lifestyle if they really understood what goes on in your bedroom. Yes, I am speaking of those ghastly abominations that you commissioned from me. Personally, I don't care what you order so long as you actually pay for it. Somehow I doubt that anypony will want to purchase any of the items you have ordered, second hand or otherwise.

Your current bill, including the piece I am currently working on is 173 bits. Yes, I said one hundred seventy three bits. The materials used are expensive, and the time spent polishing your "unmentionables" is valuable. I really don't want to know what you are doing with my work, but am fairly certain I have a fair idea because of your somewhat graphic sketches. Pay up or I'll forget to polish a random spot on that marble "hand" thing you ordered. You won't make that mistake again.

As always, remember to use plenty of care and lubrication with my wares. We don't want to end up with something broken or stuck after all. That would be a shame before the curator of the Canterlot museum arrives to inspect your gallery.

As always, pay up.
Polly

Dear Polly,

Maybe having Derpy picking up the check from my mailbox wasn't the best idea.

You'll get your money, don't worry. Just keep those fingers coming.

-Lyra


Trolleroids

Dear Vinyl Scratch,

For God's sake, will you let me sleep? All day and all night, I was forced to listen to your confounded "music." I'm a god damn insomniac because of you!

And whenever I do fall asleep is when I'm at work! God dammit, thanks to you, I got fired! Now I can't even afford food.

I sometimes think to myself, is burning your house down to ashes worth it? Yes, I might be imprisoned for it but, other ponies just like me would be more than overjoyed to sleep in peace once more.

So you better watch it, "DJ-PON3." Unless, you want to be homeless.

-A very disgruntled local pony

To whomever tasteless pony it may concern,

It's a scientifically proven fact that wubs do wonders for the REM cycle. And if you want to go through the trouble of arson, be my guest.

Your mistake if you think my bass cannon isn't built to withstand temperatures up to eight hundred degrees.

Sincerely,
Vinyl Scratch, DJ-P0N3

Author's Note:

Thank you to everyone for your submissions, and apologies if I did not get to yours. I read every single one of them, and I either did not have enough time, or I couldn't come up with a response I thought would be humorous enough.

Here's to two years!

Thanks for reading!

milesprower06

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