Equestria Games
Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Equestria Games
To my sister-in-law, Princess Cadance,
If you had told me you were planning on treating Fax Machine as the guest of honor, I would have left him at home. But hey, if you wanted to see how much of a disaster it turned out to be, well you got it.
I have to give him props for not eating the two guards who whisked him away. But then you got to see how cheap he is, as he prefers green rupees. But then you had to go and show him the statue your city built for him. Seriously? If I recall, he tripped and dropped the crystal heart, forcing your husband to throw you from the castle balcony.
So now I figured I was going to have to knock his confidence down a few pegs when we got back to Ponyville, but then I was pleasantly surprised when the spectators did it for me. Quite ironic if you ask me; he absolutely loves announcing things to crowds, but lighting a torch for a crowd? Nope, that can't be done. He couldn't light his fire. Just like he could never get it up in the bedroom. Figures. Now you know how I feel.
What happens then? He sings the most hilarious rendition of the Cloudsdale Anthem I have ever heard. Where are those Equestrian Idol judges when you need them? Absolutely dreadful.
So in a depressed state, Fax proceeds to mope in the hotel room. I wonder if he tried to make off with a few bites of that statue. I drag him back out to the final competition to force him to face humiliation, dressed like he's ready to flash some mares.
But thanks to you contracting the archery equipment through Link, one of the poorly fired ice arrows go right into a cloud. Wow, who knew a weapon fired with your mouth could be so inaccurate? Even Celestia and Luna couldn't help move it. Fucking pathetic. Good thing Fax was there to save ponies who probably deserved to be crushed.
So now, I have to get him to figure out than when my tail is twitching and he sees dripping from between my hind legs, that something needs to be done, and he should react.
-Twilight Sparkle
Dear Miss Harshwhinny,
I thought we discussed this, and had agreed upon adding the Wife Throw to the list of games this year, what the hell?
Sincerely,
Shining Armor
To the Crystal Empire TSA.
While I'm sure the security for the Equestria Games was of utmost importance, I am attaching my dental bill for you to handle. Thanks to your Crystal Empire Material Emancipation Grill, I think a few of my teeth are missing.
- Rarity
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Keep dreamin', girlfriend.
"Dear Mister The Dragon,
You should really get that birth certificate error sorted out.
Sincerely,
Miss Harshwinny"
must be hard to accomplish in a society thats for the most nude
This episode was a HUGE disappoitment honestly
a whole year leading up to this just to have a SPIKE episode 
Dear Captain Shining Armor,
Thanks for not rating out my hiding place to Twilight during the Equestria Games. I swear, that mare is obessed with me for no reason. Didn't you say that royal guards aren't allowed to have romantic relationships?
Your grateful solider,
Private Flash Sentry.
Dear Flash Sentry,
While I admit it would've been fun to let my sister chase you around all day I couldn't afford the negative publicity. I'm already on thin ice for the changeling invasion, and Miss. Harshwinny would've chewed me out big time if she found out I let some sex crazed princess run loose.
So, don't say a word if you value your security.
Your (reluctantly) grateful captain,
Shining Armor.
4332902 That one scene at the end was worth it though. Damn, that was epic background music. And the animation in general was top notch.
out of ten.
Overall I give it
The Portal reference was creative. All I was thinking at this time was that after hundreds of fanfics, there was ACTUALLY a legal way of negating magic.
See you next week. Give the two-parter your very best effort.
FOAL FREE PRESS
Fancy Pants: Banned for Life
In response to the specist comments allegedly coming from the mouth of Fancy Pants of Canterlot, The Equestria Games Commission has voted unanimously to permanently ban Fancy Pants from all future Equestria Games events.
In a statement from Ms. Harshwhinny, she expresses:
"We are aware of the fact that we cannot legally ban Mister Pants from these events because of his opinion on Griffins, no matter how misguided and foul they may be. Then the Council and myself decided to add some drama to this anyway; because fuck it, it's Equestria."
Fancy Pants could not be reached for any comment at this time.
4332966 I'm going to take a shot and say... NBA drama reference?
4332983 Thanks, fixed.
Dear princesses,
You did something amazingly stupid.
You depended on Spike for one of the most important events in Equestria
What were you thinking?
Sincerly, Epic Quest.
P.S: I hope no unicorns were used in the making of that slave's statue!
4332978
Yup.
I did wind up enjoy the actual episode more than I thought I would. Mainly because the whole episode didn't revolve around the torch lighting as I feared it would.
Dear Rainbow Dash,
Thanks to your little "dragon" friend, you will never become a Wonderbolt!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck him, and Fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Spitfire, FleetFoot, and Soarin.
PS: Soarin still wants to taste your rainbow!!!!
I take it the magic wards are there because of Trollestia and the last games...
Are the princesses always going to be this useless when protecting their ponies from self-inflicted ice clouds?
4333191 You can blame that on the *cough cough* security measures to prevent cheating.
4333255
And to their credit, even with those security measures, they flew up with all the other ponies to help.
Dear Lamebow Crash:
I was stuck watching from the stands with uncle Gustave because you got me banned from competing after I made that lame-o third wheel of yours cry, what, two years ago? Seriously, you got me banned because of that, but when you got your magical butt tattoo, not only did you knock her off her cloud perch and nearly turned her into ground pizza, but you changed the story so that Billy is "conveniently" the one who did it even though you were on the same side as her just before the race began!
Your pissed ex-girlfriend, Gilda.
Awesome portal reference!
I also thought the same thing about Spike's lack of flame being like impotence.
4332949 I agree, it was a rather weird way to cancel the magic though.
Also, damn; those ice arrows would probably be more lethal than a gunshot. Gives a whole new meaning to 'your blood runs cold'.
The wife throw... every married man/stallion' dream event!
What would the TSA be doing at a place without the T part?
The Wife Throw... I'd compete in that! All I need is a wife...
4332902 I agree, the worst part was when he tried to sing the Cloudsdale Anthem, i think Spitfire was about to cry.
4333255 I thought that was only for the Unicorns, i don't see why they would do it to any of the princesses.
Not going to rope myself into a debate over the episode. Just want to say props for the LoZ reference
Sounds like a sexy purple princess version of Pinkie Sense.
KBO.
I always see all these witty comments on here and know I can't top them...
Why downvote my comments? I'm just saying that thus ep could've been better...
4332902 Agree with ya there. I hoped to see more of the games, not just Spike suddenly getting stage fright while Fluttershy seems to have come over hers.
Loved the reference to the Zelda games in this chapter xD
4333947
I DID cry... although that's because I was laughing so hard.
Should've used autotune, Fax Machine
The episode was okay (except for Spike's rendition of the Cloudsdale anthem. Even with my earbuds pulled partially away from my ears, I still cringed at it), but your Letters chapter for it was absolutely hilarious. Both Zelda references, the flasher joke, the wife-throwing; it all had me laughing from start to finish.
Dear Twilight,
I don't care if my bitch of an aunt made you royalty. Who the fuck invited you to my games?! I thought I banned you from the Crystal Empire.
SincerNo seriously, get out,Cadance
Nice to see the original style of the Letters being written once in a while.
4333344
Oh, man, that's a good one...
4333255
See? This is what happens when you take magic away from law abiding unicorns. They can't defend themselves or others against threats.
4338067 Hm, now what does THAT remind me of?
4334279 She'd better hope Pinkie Pie doesn't sue her for "copyright infringement".
4340147 Wow, must've been hard. I did a report in English 102 last year on Video Games and Violence. You'd be surprised at some of the stuff I turned up.
Painful music aside, twas still a sweet ep and this was an awesome letter.
Most excellent.
4343705 *head desk* Bet that went well.
Any way, love the Portal joke. Still need to see this episode...
4344287
ERMAHGERD
DO YOU WATCH AVATAR?!
4344287 Make this a fanfic, now!
If it's not too much to ask of course.
4345747 Well, whenever you find the time would be nice. Or you could give the idea up for adoption. I wouldn't mind potentially taking a crack at it.
Dear Princess Cadance:
Okay, I spent the whole games stuck here watching your boring games. I now demand that you hand over Flash Sentry.
The great and horny Princess Twilight Sparkle.
Dear Twilight Sparkle:
What? Cadance never made any sort of deal! There would have been a document detailing such an agreement, would there not?
The great Equestrian Hunger Games organizer, Princess Celestia.
P.S.: Don't bother looking through my wastebasket. I burn all unnecessary documents
P.P.S.: You know, looking at you and your beloved Fax Machine, I can't help but remember all the fun times you and I had together
4351631 Oh, I'm well aware. But since when does Letters give a f*** about canon?
A Portal reference? That has NOTHING to do with cake?
I approve.
4332902
It's not so bad that it's a Spike episode, but that it's a Spike episode that could have happened any time but they decided to have it happen right when something else was going on. Something else that had plenty of other potential plots and was only going to happen once.
I kind of with they'd made the Equestria Games the two-part season finale and had the preparations for it and Twilight's easing into the Princess role be the season-long lead ups. Finale's aren't - or shouldn't be - obligated to be adventures.
Since the chapter isn't out yet.
"Dear HUB Network
You have distribution rights to our animated series, and you replace us with a fucking mongoose and dog for the Hall of Heroes!?
Fuck.This.Shit
-Batman and Superman"
Wife-throw is a better game idea for magic horses than archery.
Seriously, the bow and arrow is probably the most finger-intensive weapon in the world. Makes zero sense for equines to have them.
4356808 Thank you, sir. You have no Idea how relieved I am that someone else realizes this.
There are so many possibilities for a spike episode.