Twilight Sparkle is being sent to Ponyville to learn about friendship. She's not happy about it.
Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Secret of My Excess
Dear Princess Celestia,
Well, today is Fax Machine's birthday. He really hasn't gotten any bigger, or any better at his job, but, I guess a party or something will help with his self esteem. I know my friends are way better than I am at giving two shits about other ponies' feelings, so I'll invite them over. I just can't believe he got a kiss from Rarity because of some stupid gem. Do you know how long I've been trying to get a kiss from Rarity?
Well, the next day, the party decorations had been set up, and the other party guests had arrived. Spike seemed surprised that the others brought him presents, and reflected on that he always only got one present from me every year; a book. Yeah, that's right. This year it's 100 Tips To Improve Sexual Performance. Yeah, and Fax Machine, I don't care how you feel about it, because quite frankly, I don't like you. Consider asking the others on how to be more competent with the chores I give you and I won't have a reason to hate you. I still won't like you, unless you start being likeable. And fuckable.
So when the Cakes made him a special cupcake for his birthday, he went and ate it. Then Cheerilee gave him a hat. And I am now convinced that hats make him evil. Remember what he did to Opal's toy mouse when he put that top hat on? Yeah. Except now, he's not making a poorly thought-out murder scene, he's just going to go on a greed spree. After I told him to go give it back, he went and got even more things. By the next morning, he had grown substantially. I took him to the doctor and got the following diagnosis: apparently, he's a dragon. Well no shit, and I'm a super sexy, ultra horny unicorn who can't get off, what's your point?
So that gave me an idea. If I can make Fax Machine grow enough, his girth might be enough to finally satisfy me. So he immediately proceeds to raid Zecora's hut, tried to rob a child of a prized possession, and then hoarded half the books in my library. I thought that might be enough, so I followed him to Sweet Apple Acres and tied myself to a tree in hopes of getting raped. Even Applejack tried to get in on the fun. But he just passed us by. Even Rainbow didn't want a piece of this ass. What the hell? So it was time to up the ante. I raced to Sugarcube Corner to cover myself in whipped cream, but he had beaten us there too, and Pinkie was throwing cake at him. I don't understand why she didn't use any of Apple Bloom's cupcakes; those things could cause some serious damage.
He grew to enormous size and took the roof off of the building. So now that my sexcapade is now responsible for a rampaging dragon, I was drawing a blank on what to do next. I got pretty annoyed when Spike captured Rarity and began to take her up to the mountain top to violate her. Maybe he'd be open to a threesome...wait...no wait...no don't look at Rarity, don't let go of your greed ahhhhh FUCK! Now he's back to his scrawny baby self. Damn. Damn it all to hell. I'm never going to get any. I don't even understand why Rainbow and Fluttershy bothered to save them.
But Fax Machine was just as unlucky. He didn't get any either. We both have to work on our sex lives. We have got to learn to get off one way or another. Otherwise, before you know it, we'll be sitting in the basement of the library, unable to satisfy anyone, pre-reading fanfiction for a blog about cartoon mythological creatures.
Your aggravated student,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S. By the way, we need another water tower.
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hee hee hee
lol
*grin*
Ahhh, just what i need after a long day of work.
Oh God,dat last line.
Love this series so much.
Poor Twilight. Its starting to look more and more like the only thing to satisfy her is gonna have to be Celestia's horn
Since WHEN are they all friends?! I mean, could swear that she still hates them or is against them all being friends, given her behavior over the course of the story.
And that ending... damn! Twilight Sparkle breaking the fourth wall? That's... not... possible! Lol, or maybe it is, but only in this weird, sex-deprived, drug-having world. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png Also confused as to why in this one why she didn't have Scootaloo's scooter taken by Spike? Even if wouldn't have made much of a difference. Anyway, funny chapter, poor Twilight not getting any again; keep 'em coming! Can't wait to see what she does to the Hearth's Warming Eve performance in Canterlot... and if we'll get another letter from Celestia then? That'd be funny, possibly! As it WAS Celestia's letter before that oddly enough, made me start liking this story.
Hmm glad I'm not a pre reader
I think how Celestia would react...
Or would she just like
You mad, egghead?
What mythological creatures would they even have?
Oh lawd
1554178
Since Discord. She eased up off hating them explicitly, and still hates them, but is friends with them. She mostly hates them because they won't have sex with her.
hurry dude! You have to finish season 2 before three comes out for no reason!dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Discord.png
What's going to go on when Twi's trapped in a cave with Cadance for an unspecified amount of time?
1554280
Correction, Twi's is trapped in a cave with a virtually powerless and totally helpless Cadance for an unspecified amount of time.
1554273
Correct me if I'm wrong, but looked back over that (as I may have forgotten, even though I read all these letters at some point, but you sir must have a way better memory than I do, if it didn't first happen with her at least openly calling them friends in a letter sometime before that), and wasn't that really only when she was corrupted by Discord finally? Though dunno if that changed her slightly and got her to at least back off a little. And I think she may hate them for other reasons (Pinkie being a hyper-druggie in this universe's eyes, AJ for probably being a hick who while can do some tricks, spends most of her time on a farm, can't think of the reasons for the rest), but not getting any helps! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy.png
Somepony needs to draw that bimbo a diagram that points out all of Fax Machine's key pleasure-inducing equipment: his tongue, his claws, his tail ... then wrap it around and anvil and drop in on her head.
Dear Luna, that made me laugh.
1554344
HOO. Me with a better memory than someone. You had no way of knowing, but that is a source of bittersweet laughter to someone with a degenerative memory retention and recall issue.
That aside. From what I -do- remember, it was after after sealing Discord that she was supposed to be looking upon them more as friends, even after her bout with his personality-reversal ability. She's seemed more friendly towards them in her letters since then. Of course, when I say friendly... I more mean tolerant of their general existence.
1554374
Well, I knew that's what you meant by friendlier. As I recall her last few letters and have seen her actions, more or less (including this one).
And you're welcome? I mean, if that's what you're diagnosed with, I haven't gotten a diagnosis on mine or looked it up, considering I don't know what it is; I can remember some things well, but others I just tend to forget shortly thereafter, supposedly what I don't want to remember.
1554235 Humans, of course.
sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/482955_372325166180572_807947192_n.jpg
1554520
Haha, I was hoping you of all people would be here, Yuko, and replying to that comment was even more delicious.
C'est la vie, my faithful old compatriot, c'est la vie.
1554520
Humans? Nonsense. Its a made up species that primitive ponies made up when they first saw a minotaur or a diamond dog in the distance.
Highly evolved apes with blunt claws? I swear to Celestia, ponies need to stop listening to that Heartstrings wallop. It rots the brain.
1554545 Indeed.
ENLARGE YOUR DRAGON
That poor water tower stood even in the face of danger.
It went, just as its father and grandfather before him did.
May the water tower family hopefully find peace at last.
1554178 Ohhh Twilight is starting to like them even if she don't want to say it
"We both have to work on our sex lives. We have got to learn to get off one way or another. Otherwise, before you know it, we'll be sitting in the basement of the library, unable to satisfy anyone, pre-reading fanfiction for a blog about cartoon mythological creatures."
BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I see someone else has run afoul of EQD's overzealous pre-readers.
I'm just waiting to see what you do with the Wedding letters... Those oughtta be a riot one way or the other
shouldn't this be former student?
Awww, poor Twi still sexuall frustrated.
The poor water tower!
1555413 Oh damn, I finally screwed that up, didn't I? Lol.
1554178 thewanderingpikapony "tried to rob a child of a prized possession"
Never really considered the woes of the Ponyville water tower before now. The poor thing does go through a lot, doesn't it?
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2011/12/10/53cc246b-63a5-40dc-bbfa-ba486d277bbd.png
Quick Twilight! Use a firestone!
Almost thought I'd see a joke about Spike turning back to himself when Rarity stripped out of her dress. Seriously, I'd look for a video, but I'm a lazy ass. Still, this was damn funny. Twilight the sexually obsessed unicorn--nothing new to see here. That last line (not the P.S.) killed me.
I love this series. XD
I think the rejected alternate title for this chapter was The Continuing Sexually Frustrated Adventures of Twilight Sparkle.
hats make him evil
hats make him evil
hats make him evil
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw8102_small.jpg
You killed me, author. I am dead.
Canterlot Wedding, Part 1
Dear Princess Celestia.
Today I learned you're a fucking gullible, heartless bitch. Your niece is a huge cunt, too. So let's take this from the top.
Firstly, I get a letter from my brother two days before his wedding. I mean, what the fuck? We hated each other as foals! Of course, to cover my loathing, I had to spin a sob story about how we were 'Big Brother Best Friends Forever' and sing a fucking song. Then, I take the damn Polar Express to your castle, only to find it's in a magical pink bubble to protect it from a supposed threat made to Canterlot. If it really takes that much energy to cast, why not use your slaves to throw at the so-called threat? After your guards, whom my brother is the fucking captain of, almost impale me with arrows (Which would be sexy if it were any other day), he tells me he used to bang my foalsitter and is marrying her. I was excited only because I would be a Royal and Royals are fucking alicorns. It would suck, though, because Shining Asshole would rain on my parade. Said foalsitter walks out and is a bitch when I do our dance that says Let's get the hell out of here! She walks right past me and grinds on Shining Asshole. I complain to my friends, who deny all evidence of bitchiness. So I go to convince my brother that that whore he calls a fiancee should be sent to hell. She comes in and takes my brother into another room, supposedly to fuck. I peek in and see what? Not hot sex, but Cadence using witchcraft to take control of Shining Asshole's mind.
So I come to the rehearsal and attempt exorcism on said fiancee. The bastard interrupts and, lo and behold, incomes your bitchhood. I sat down and cried because you can't be an alicorn if you're disowned from Royalty. Queen of the faggots comes in and fucking pets me. Am I fucking Fax Machine? I apologize, only to be dragged down to the depths of hell.
Fuck you,
Twilight Sparkle
1557255 Can I use some of that? That had me loling.
1557323 Sure! Hell, you can use all of it if you want.
Awesome. I don't want to use all of it, mind you. I'd rather use that for injecting into whatever I come up with.
Woah she's a student again
This chapter was awesome! Sexy Bitch Twilight is cool.
1554273 Because most of them don't swing that way.
Dear Twilight Sparkle:
I've read (and pre-read) your fanfics. they suck worse than anything you could pre-read
Your always-happy-to-aggravate Teacher, Princess Celestia.
P.S.: You really fuck up a lot of water towers. No wonder no stallion will fuck you up
Twilight really needs to think her sexcapades through better.