Sweet and Elite
Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Sweet and Elite
Dear Princess Celestia,
Breaking news! Rarity cares more about social status than friends! I mean, that completely and utterly shocks me! She's actually showing signs of a true and proper unicorn! She's beginning to care more about her self image more than spending time with her simple Ponyville friends! So I thought I'd try to really make her get a taste of social superiority and I sent her up to Canterlot. You're still renting out your private tower, right? The one with the retarded unicorn bellhop who doesn't use his magic to carry luggage? At least I hope Rarity doesn't accidentally discover your foot fetish.
Anyways, I have a birthday coming up, and Rarity told me she'd make me a dress when she was away. This was brilliant. She would be making something that could potentially make me more sexy, and at the same time, she'd have a day or two away from this hellhole. So I told her to make it as slutty as possible. Because I need a stallion, not some lame-ass baby dragon who can't seem to do anything right, not even get their mistress off.
So a couple days later, I get a letter from Rarity informing me that her cat is sick and that she wouldn't be able to come back in time for my party. What, so because her cat is sick, she can't make the 2-hour train ride back to Ponyville? Bullshit, she didn't finish my dress, that's what it's got to be. I told Pinkie of the change in plans, and we moved the party up to Canterlot. Upon our arrival, Rarity fainted. When she came to, Fluttershy immediately took care of her wet pussy, while I confirmed that Rarity had made me a quite simple dress. Simple. Practical. Something that definitely says “fuck me please.” Oh, and Pinkie demonstrated that she had another use for balloons other than smuggling drugs.
Moving down to the ballroom, Pinkie busts out her Party Cannon and starts spraying confetti and shit everywhere. Never before have I seen Rarity disappear so frequently. Rainbow Dash started a food fight with my birthday cake, so we all proceeded to gang up on her and lick the cake off her body. Totally hot.
When Rarity came back with a croquet mallet, we were all a little confused. It didn't take us too long to figured out that she was also attending the garden party right outside. I must admit, that is very unicorn of her. I wouldn't expect her to put a friend's birthday above social status. But seeing as how I've been living in Ponyville for over a year now, we did what Ponyville rednecks do best: crash it.
I especially love how all the garden animals that were scared to death of Fluttershy a few months ago are now flocking to her. But what really pisses me off is these high-rolling ponies didn't have a clue who any of us were. Yeah, we're just the ponies that FUCKING SAVED EQUESTRIA TWICE!
And last of all, I couldn't help but notice that Fancy Pants, in fact, wears no pants.
Your sexy former student,
Twilight Sparkle
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Nice.
Lol. Didn't register that doesn't wear pants. Well played.
You have no idea how much this bothers me.
I mean, Ponyville is a nudist colony, so I get that. But even in Canterlot? Even when that's their name? PUT SOME DAMN PANTS ON PONIES!
Why Twilight, of course he isn't wearing any pants, how else will he give you a birthday mounting?
"Oh and Fax Machine didn't come along, no dragons allowed at my birthday parties"
Ah, but the pants he doesn't wear are of the highest quality. He would never be caught not wearing, say, grubby, patched jeans, like the kind the rubes in Ponyville don't wear. For the garden party, he has decided to forgo wearing a particularly fine pair, made from the finest of Prench silks.
Wow, I'm actually starting to root for Twilight in her search for sexy-time
. I commend your writing ability!
Dear Author, this story fills me with joy and happiness. This fun and original concept has made me decide to show how I feel about you writing this awesome story. Take it away Patrick...
1527939 It Aint no party like a dragon party cause a dragon party drag on.
This one's a gem. I've read it twice now and feel like i'm still laughing from the original reading.
If Twilight wants to get laid so bad, why don't see just turn one of her friends into a stallion and jump their bones.
I don't know I... I just don't know. I mean... I usually HATE stories like this, but... but I'm on the floor, and i'm laughing, and i can't breathe.
That makes it good, right?
1527932
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/034/706/winternet.jpg
1527915 By royal decree: Only Rarity's mom can wear pants -
(Even Molestia wouldn't tap that)
iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/10690__safe_princess-celestia_animated_molestia_dance_grin_headbob_headbang.gif
PS. Shouldn't it be "hoof fetish"?
1528328
Nope, definitely a foot fetish. It's not as fun when everypony has it.
How do you keep making these so friggin' funny?
Someone needs to get Tara Strong to record at least one of these. I'm sure she'd flip.
Beautiful. This actually reminds me of the faux-neo nazis of fimfiction, the Unicorn Supremacy Movement.
Now that I have advertised one of the least tasteful groups on this site (and believe me, that title takes some serious work), I can die in shame.
Foot fetish you say?
fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/185/3/c/patriotic_celestia_by_sirponylancelot-d55znw5.gif
((picture is (very)vaguely related.))
Next Chapter is Fax Machine's revenge
Twilight actually calling Fax Machine a dragon? mmm...
I love you. Platonically.
Wouldn't it be hoof instead of foot since they don't have feet?
Well, that was surprisingly non-caustic. Relatively speaking of course.
Nicccccccceee.
Its a wonder Pinkie hasn't been caught by the Equestrian Drug Enforcement Agency.
That actually truth. Why doesn't he use his magic?
1527932
Funniest comment I've read in long time.
1528580 All rise for the United Mane of Celestia.
That 4o2 reference.....Nice.
1527896
I demand fanart immediately.
The reason fancy doesn't wear pants is because molestia took them
Twilight needs to find a stallion, ASAP. She devoted at least an entire paragraph to sex this time, up from one or two lines last time.
"Demandy-pants", "Picky-Pants", "Smarty-pants", "Fancy Pants"...
They reference pants quite often for a society that doesn't commonly wear them.
This chapter made me laugh hard. Good job.
My former student,
I was quite surprised by your letter this week, considering that your friend Rarity already spoke to me about your ill-conceived attempts to recruit her into some sort of peripheral pony political party. She was so relieved at being able to get away from your racist badgering that she kissed my hooves in thanks. Not that the act itself wasn't far more thanks than all the words in the world could have been... ah, but I digress. I must also admit surprise to the fact that you have blatantly admitted to misappropriation of government property by moving your party to the palace's grand ballroom. As a former student of mine, I had your permissions and authority revoked amongst the bureaucracy, or so I had thought. I must thank you for pointing out the fact that you have sympathizers and contacts within my government still. I'll be sure to begin the purge at once and let everypony who's been sacked know who's to blame. That way, even if I miss a few, they will be far too afraid to help you again.
As to the actual misappropriation itself, you do realize that it is crime to misuse crown property? Last I checked it could be considered as bad as treason, although in this case I feel I shall be lenient with you, considering how amusing it was to watch you screw with those pompous peacocks in the gardens. Your trolling was as fine-tuned as ever, and Fancy Pants—despite the lack of his namesake—quickly joined in so readily it almost looked planned. I had not laughed so hard since I read about your frustrations with Spike.
Still, a punishment must be offered, and so I shall delegate this task to my sister. Who has also been reading your letters.
See you soon,
-Princess Celestia
P.S. YOUR SUPPLE ASS BELONGS TO US NOW, SPARKLE.
-Princess Luna
This line totally made my night. Great work.
I have to wonder... Who is Twilight's mentor? Molestia? or Trolestia?
Twilight is suitably trained to serve either one (happily i think)
1528066 How could she come up with a spell like that if she's too dumb to realize her Fax Machine has hands, an interestingly-shaped tail, and a forty-inch tongue?
1531941 If only that was true.
1532544 True. True.
1530939
I left because at first I thought it was another gag group like the First Amalgamated Church of Niggertron, but the comment threads got old pretty quickly. Probably due in part to how at least half of them were good enough actors(or idiots, that works too.) to make almost every comment seem like a legitimate plan to eradicate ninety percent of the shows population, including the beast races of course.
I'm still trying to figure out why Twilight is hot for Rainbow, Applejack, etc., but makes fun of Rainbow for being gay. wut?
Good point.... that never occurred to me...
1533405
Probably never will.
1535488
It's been fun talking with you, I'm gonna end this before it gets awkward. The amount of things to say remaining has gotten low. The conversations like this that just fade out with smaller and smaller comments until the responses just stop are always oddly unsatisfying to me. So,
/)?
chzbronies.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-slide-me-some-broneh.jpg
1535552
1535758
No! My arsenal of macros cannot compare!
ah the poor things fax machine had to do...
1549420 Much worse have been said by MUCH older men. I assume you're a prime example.
...
Sexual.
...
When she came to, Fluttershy immediately took care of her wet pussy
....
....
....
OH! I get it now!
You know, why is his name Fancypants if he doesn't wear any pants?