The Cutie Map / Cutie Markless
Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
The Cutie Map / Cutie Markless
Dear Council of Friendship,
Why do all of you seem to be questioning the fact that we'd get an awesome castle after beating a super villain? Who wouldn't want to sit around all day on a throne? Isn't that what Celestia and Luna do all day? Yeah, Luna may wander through dreams, but hey, free porn. Who wouldn't?
So let me get this straight, Fluttershy; you would face potential danger rather than discuss hoofball with Big Mac? You must either hate Big Mac, or hoofball. One of the two.
We all board the Friendship Express. That's another thing. If we rule the Kingdom of Friendship, I hereby motion for a new, more badass looking train. Kind of like the one Cadance has, but better. Who's with me? Anyway, we take it to one of the eastern termini, and come across a village where everybody has a destiny in fancy mathematics. I don't think Applejack is going to like this place one bit.
One by one, they welcomed us to their town quite simply. I think I heard one of them follow up with "You've got mail," but I can't be sure. The mayor, Starlight Glimmer, gave us a tour, along with a song and dance with the townsfolk. After that, the town baker gave us some muffins, and they were quite disgusting. But we'll take some for the road. That retarded mailmare in Ponyville will probably love these. Afterwards, Sugar Belle, fed up with her baked bads, told us about the Cutie Mark Vault, where they surrendered all their cutie marks for a chance at a better life. I wonder if they accidentally put Hay Life 3 in there too.
Starlight catches us off guard, and take our cutie marks, and puts us in the Conversion Cottage. Let me tell you, that door was shut tighter than Applejack's... Uh... Um...
Yeah, that staff played hell with my sexual innuendos.
We convinced Fluttershy to play along, and find out what was going on, and she tumbled deeper down the rabbit hole when she found out that the hypocritical bitch still had her cutie mark. Guess some ponies are more equal than others, eh Cuntlight?
But I've got to hand it to Party Favor. He was pleading for mercy after just one night with us. That morning, we expose Starlight's cutie mark, and she demands that we stop triggering her, but the townfolk wouldn't have any of it. They storm the vault and shatter it. Quite impressive for a stick she found in the desert. I'm sure if it hadn't worked, they would've thrown Double Diamond at it next.
We corner Starlight at a mountain cave by causing an avalanche. Refusing to abandon her philosophy, she teleports away. I guess she couldn't handle all that whiteness.
I'm sure we'll meet again. Ponies like her can never go long without attention whoring.
Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Princess Twilight,
Thanks for getting our cutie marks back and all, but for the record, I was pleading for mercy because you spent all night hitting on me.
Sincerely,
Party Favor
Dear Princess Celestia,
I'm onto you, bitch.
Starlight Glimmer spent years studying magic? Just like, oh, I don't know, Sunset Shimmer? So what, you had to have TWO failed students before you came to me? Or are there more similarly named ponies whom you screwed over?
-Twilight
Dear Princess Twilight,
Um, nope. Just two. Yeah. Two, let's go with that.
-Princess Celestia
Dear Sugar Belle,
You'd better sleep with one eye open, missy. No one commits that kind of crime against muffins and gets away with it.
-Derpy Hooves
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
Plan foiled, eh? Yeah, I know how that feels.
But if you can find your way to the magical mirror in the crystal castle, come cross on over. There's a website here that you'll feel right at home with.
Sincerely,
Sunset Shimmer
Dear Party Favor,
If you'd like to come up with a song and dance routine for your new, happier version of your village, I'd be happy to help out.
Sincerely,
Left Shark
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That pic is spot on.
And so it resumes! Huzzah!
Why do all of you seem to be questioning the fact that we'd get an awesome castle after beating a super villain? Who wouldn't want to sit around all day on a throne? Isn't that what Celestia and Luna do all day? Yeah, Luna may wander through dreams, but hey, free porn. Who wouldn't?
Rainbow dash: Err she does realize that A) she was the one questioning it and we were happily ready to do what celestia and luna do all day B) she was the one who EGGED us on to go to that place right?
Pinkie pie: Meh, give her a break at least we overthrow a crazy cult pony.
I liked this.
5825352 No, Surprise is a brighter white.
it's back... um yay
5825352
What on earth are you talking about? I see no pegasus in the picture that is white with yellow mane and tail and pink eyes.
There's a pegasus that's white with a pink mane and tail, and a pink pegasus with a yellow mane and tail(and one the same shade of pink but with a teal mane & tail) but that's it.
With Lord Tirek as their Lord and Savior and Starlight Glimmer as High Priest, Tumblr will never be the same.
5825355 I'm surprised you didn't use the name Mayor Marx and not referenced Legend of Korra, the Equalist.
But overall that was a "barrel of laughs" and I look forward to your next chapter.
Godspeed, Left Shark!
5825423 Laughs don't come in barrels. They come from inside you, as your body's response to delight.
It was nice to notice that writers keep teaching little girls the many synonyms for "sparkle". I can hardly wait for the season finale when the ultimate
Twilight ripoffvillain Eventide Scintillate appears.Okay the end joke was what killed me with laughter.
I thought the town was more like North Korea than Tumblr. I mean, I get WHY you guys compare it to Tumblr, but I couldn't help but perceive Starlight as Dear Readuh.
Stop triggering me with your talk about triggering!
*Jazz hands*
Left Shark, the out-of-sync dancer? Headcanon accepted.
Guess who's back, back, back?
Back again, again, again.
Miles' back, back, back.
Let the fun begin!
Little does she know that's what everyone calls Twilight behind her back.
Free sex too.
I make a motion for a fleet of zeppelins.
Noo. Just no. Unless you have a disc allowing me one thousand free hours of internet, or forty-five days, whichever comes first.
400 million people/ponies have died since the release of Hay Life 2: Episode 2, and will never know the exciting conclusion to the Hay Life saga. Their blood is on YOUR HANDS Gaben!
The writers are just dicking with us at this point.
And he didn't tap any of them? Just how gay is he?
It's...perfect...
Goddamn it. That shark is everywhere!
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
When I directed the map to send you to East Germaney, it was with the expectation that you would never leave. I am disappointed that my other failed students have remained such failures.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Why did I like this more than the actual episode?
THAT WAS RHETORICAL
5825587 Speaking of Pinkie Pie....
Does anyone suddenly think about Cheese Sandwich vs Party Favor fighting over Pinkamena.
Another great chapter, sir!!
YES!!! Thanks you for noticing the name similarities! No one else has pointed that out!
5825874 Maybe he just wants that other henchcolt that Cuntlight Glimmer had with her.
So that's your special talent, Twilight?
There's a minor thing you may want to edit.
That should be "takes".
Party Favor! That's his name!
I should have worked that out before making him my profile picture...
Dear Princess Twilight:
Dear Sunbutt's former students tend to end up becoming rulers of places that are too insignificant to bother with. Starlight ruled a backwater town in the middle of nowhere, Sunset ruled a High School, and you rule a town full of inbred hicks. Kind of sucks, doesn't it?
Also, both Glimmy and Shimmy were overthrown. Kind of makes you wonder what'll happen to you, doesn't it?
Sincerely, Discord.
5827402
Ooh, yes... Twilight overthrew them, and annexed their "useless" domains...
Whispers: She's building an army.
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
You have picked the wrong princess with which to make an arch enemy. Princess Celestia? Pushover. Princess Luna? More like Princess Loser, she does not even have her own castle. Princess Cadance? A hack if ever I saw one. Any of these three you may have had a chance against. Lame Duck Celestia, most of all. However, the glorious Mistress Princess Twilight Sparkle is leagues above these poseurs in every magical, and non-magical, way imaginable. And you think you have a chance of standing against her? No being can out study, out read, out think, out fight, out magic, out energy blast, out sexy, out last, out squirt, out dominate, out awesome, or out brainwash Mistress Princess Twilight Sparkle.
REPENT! SUBMIT! And declare your fidelity to the Goddess of Magic and Friendship, Goddess Mistress Princess Twilight Sparkle.
Signed Goddess Mistress Princess Twilight Sparkle's maid, horseshoe shine, toy, and whipping ape,
Neko Majin C.
~KBO.
this ep had animal farm, 1984, marxism, cults, A story of the blanks-esque setting,kidnapping ponies agoinst their wills, a villain that is a legitamite psycopath (that has the intelligence to stop twilight from spreading morale, and setting up a competent trap and taking out the most powerful of the group and screwing over everypony else and only monolouged when she could get away with it. Plus bad OC's everywhere. I think you know how I feel about this episode
also, this chapter didn't feel bitchy and disgruntled enough, this isn't a child fic, so use that rating!
5826053
DON'T GIVE THE FAN FIC WRITERS IDEAS YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE HORRIBLE THINGS THEY COULD DO WITH IT!!!!
5828326 I am using that rating, but I'm not going to put profanities every other word every time, while including every reference known to bronies, including stories I have not read.
And I had no problem with how the Equalstown citizens looked, so that's just personal taste.
5828420
I know, but they looked like custom OC's like that crippled pegasus in trade ya
5830274 Whom I also thought looked totally fine.
I JUST SNORTED SO LOUDLY.
5839289 No, I never did get around to it.
Miles, have I mentioned that I love you?
Tumblr isn't that important or prominent. Most people probably don't even go there, or know of it.
The show's just teaching American kids to fear the evil communists. Again. I mean, it's politically correct now.
5938828 That might apply, if I was writing this for "most people", but I'm not.
I'm writing this for politically incorrect bronies with darker senses of humor.
No insulting best pony!
: Muffins?
...yes, Derpy.
...But I love this project of yours. And I love Derpy.
5828343
Dear Party Favour,
You. Me. Outside Town. 3:10 to a Goof Off.
Let's see whose the better stallion.
Sincerely,
The Pony With No Name.
5826053
Mother of god.
* takes off sunglasses dramatically*
Nice Orwell reference.
Dear Twilight Sparkle
The Great and Powerful Trixie is OUTRAGED that you didn't mention her in your little letter!... Wait, how did I even know about your letter... Anyway, Trixie was a talented outcast WAY before it ever became a trend, so she demands to receive her proper recompense!
-The Greatly Perplexed Trixie Lulamoon
Good thing Tumblr is now DEAD!