• Published 7th Jun 2012
  • 52,129 Views, 11,682 Comments

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student - milesprower06



Twilight Sparkle is being sent to Ponyville to learn about friendship. She's not happy about it.

  • ...
504
 11,682
 52,129

PreviousChapters Next
Over A Barrel

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Over a Barrel

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well, today, we have finally taken the first steps to answering the Buffalo Question. These creatures have been a drain on our livelihoods and economies for too long. So we have come up with the perfect weapon. Applejack, along with top Canterlot researchers, have created a genetically-engineered apple tree designed to infect the soil of buffalo land. For once the roots take hold, the virus spreads, and any plant in that soil that is picked and digested will proceed to make those savages sterile.

We have also come up with a brilliant cover. We have hoof-selected an elite unit of 'settler ponies' to invade buffalo territory and start a small community. Once they began planting their orchard on their traditional stampeding grounds, tensions began to rise, and I knew it was time to implement phase two. So we prepared the tree for transport, and set off on the next train to Appleloosa. But I think all the poison fumes from working in the labs have gotten to Applejack. She's talking to that damn thing like it's alive. Even gave it a name.

As you know, genocide gets me and my friends quite excited, so we stayed up half the night talking, and this kinda pissed off Spike. After he stormed off, Fluttershy expressed her wishes to be a tree, and then Rarity got angry due to her interrupted beauty sleep. The next morning, we awoke to a stampede of buffalo, who then proceeded to assault the train. Rainbow gave chase on the roof, and meanwhile, while the caboose is getting slammed back and forth, Spike is in there sleeping soundly. So he can't sleep with whispering ponies, but he can sleep through that shit? What the fuck?

After Rainbow forgot to look where she was going while flying, the buffalo actually manage to steal the apple tree. Not sure if they'd take it to their land, Pinkie activates our contingency plan: recover Rainbow, and infiltrate the buffalo society, gain their trust, and draw them into a conflict with the Appleloosans. Princess, your best ponies had been planning this for months, and so far, it was going perfect.

The rest of us arrived at Appleloosa, where Braeburn and Sheriff Silverstar were continuing to act the part of innocent settler town. After spending the rest of the afternoon and evening bringing them up to speed of the current situation, we decided to set out after Pinkie and the others in the morning. Luckily, they were successful in gaining the trust of them, and we didn't have to go looking. Chief Thunderhooves came to town for 'negotiations', and then Pinkie presented what she had specifically been tasked with.

Creating a song that could start a war. Seriously, you have to have some seriously fucked up drugs to pull that off, and she did it like it was a breeze.

We could barely manage to maintain our feigned concern when Thunderhooves delivered his ultimatum; move the orchard by high noon the next day, or they'd flatten it. As both sides prepared for war, Rainbow and Spike wisely maintained their undercover roles, and discovered that the buffalo had kept the engineered apple tree. This could be even better than what we hoped for.

Of course, at high noon the next day, the coward was about to back down and retreat his forces. We couldn't let that happen, so Pinkie let loose with her song again, and her psychological warfare was successful. The buffalo went into a rage, and one by one, they fell. Thus, we began the final stage of our plan. I launched a heavily drugged apple pie at Thunderhooves right as he was charging Silverstar, and it immediately counter-effected the song. He called off the attack, and made an agreement with the town, and returned the engineered apple tree of doom, and allowed it to be planted.

Thus begins the slow and eventual annihilation of their species. For in Equestria, only one culture is suitable. Our culture.

Sieg Hiel,
Mein Fuhrer Twilight Sparkle

PreviousChapters Next