Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Over a Barrel
Dear Princess Celestia,
Well, today, we have finally taken the first steps to answering the Buffalo Question. These creatures have been a drain on our livelihoods and economies for too long. So we have come up with the perfect weapon. Applejack, along with top Canterlot researchers, have created a genetically-engineered apple tree designed to infect the soil of buffalo land. For once the roots take hold, the virus spreads, and any plant in that soil that is picked and digested will proceed to make those savages sterile.
We have also come up with a brilliant cover. We have hoof-selected an elite unit of 'settler ponies' to invade buffalo territory and start a small community. Once they began planting their orchard on their traditional stampeding grounds, tensions began to rise, and I knew it was time to implement phase two. So we prepared the tree for transport, and set off on the next train to Appleloosa. But I think all the poison fumes from working in the labs have gotten to Applejack. She's talking to that damn thing like it's alive. Even gave it a name.
As you know, genocide gets me and my friends quite excited, so we stayed up half the night talking, and this kinda pissed off Spike. After he stormed off, Fluttershy expressed her wishes to be a tree, and then Rarity got angry due to her interrupted beauty sleep. The next morning, we awoke to a stampede of buffalo, who then proceeded to assault the train. Rainbow gave chase on the roof, and meanwhile, while the caboose is getting slammed back and forth, Spike is in there sleeping soundly. So he can't sleep with whispering ponies, but he can sleep through that shit? What the fuck?
After Rainbow forgot to look where she was going while flying, the buffalo actually manage to steal the apple tree. Not sure if they'd take it to their land, Pinkie activates our contingency plan: recover Rainbow, and infiltrate the buffalo society, gain their trust, and draw them into a conflict with the Appleloosans. Princess, your best ponies had been planning this for months, and so far, it was going perfect.
The rest of us arrived at Appleloosa, where Braeburn and Sheriff Silverstar were continuing to act the part of innocent settler town. After spending the rest of the afternoon and evening bringing them up to speed of the current situation, we decided to set out after Pinkie and the others in the morning. Luckily, they were successful in gaining the trust of them, and we didn't have to go looking. Chief Thunderhooves came to town for 'negotiations', and then Pinkie presented what she had specifically been tasked with.
Creating a song that could start a war. Seriously, you have to have some seriously fucked up drugs to pull that off, and she did it like it was a breeze.
We could barely manage to maintain our feigned concern when Thunderhooves delivered his ultimatum; move the orchard by high noon the next day, or they'd flatten it. As both sides prepared for war, Rainbow and Spike wisely maintained their undercover roles, and discovered that the buffalo had kept the engineered apple tree. This could be even better than what we hoped for.
Of course, at high noon the next day, the coward was about to back down and retreat his forces. We couldn't let that happen, so Pinkie let loose with her song again, and her psychological warfare was successful. The buffalo went into a rage, and one by one, they fell. Thus, we began the final stage of our plan. I launched a heavily drugged apple pie at Thunderhooves right as he was charging Silverstar, and it immediately counter-effected the song. He called off the attack, and made an agreement with the town, and returned the engineered apple tree of doom, and allowed it to be planted.
Thus begins the slow and eventual annihilation of their species. For in Equestria, only one culture is suitable. Our culture.
Sieg Hiel,
Mein Fuhrer Twilight Sparkle
Jesus, I spat out my drink when I hit the last two lines.
not first
because i read it before commenting
/dying
The "Mein Fuhrer" line at the end doesn't work as it says that Twilight is the leader.
1282399
Celestia is just a figure head
The equestrian public wouldn't be able to handle the truth
1282439 And you would be the 666th comment. How does that make you feel?
1282428
i.imgur.com/lD1Q0.gif
With the last two lines all I could think of was this Referance
Sieg Heil, sleep-nazi. Ven vee put Applejahk in dehr concentration-Kamp?
Vat is dis? Ein Earth Pony is sleeping in mein Kampfbed! Unacceptable
t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTQ3NXxnlTBZ6JMv20NCpcJI_TM7T-1T3CfoFoEuiKmuGvS4q8PzRZBuaY4tg
You say this is the worst. I say it's the best.
Celestia clearly phrased something very poorly.
Celestia ist der Sieg!
best interpritation of that episode of all time
Oh buck yeah. Been watching this on Fanfiction.net, now I don't have to.
Sure, go ahead and kill the buffalo with biological weapons. It's not like their flesh tastes real good, but you can't eat it due to it being poisoned or anything.
You know, when you think about it...they DO seem to have a certain fondness for zeppelins and totalitarianism. And the swastika was (maybe) originally a sun symbol...and they have a sun goddess. And Sweetie Belle may or may not know how to...well, you know...
Mein gott. It makes perfect sense.
1282624 HORSES?!?
Why we can't afford to lose no horses, you dummy! Send down a couple of zebras.
1282582 It doesn't kill them. It sterilizes them. As they die off they will realize that they won't be able to have children. Their herd will slowly die off.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m79bucKVyS1rr4rqmo1_400.gif
JESUS CHRIST, SO FUNNY!
As a warrior am disgusted by such a cowordly act...HOWEVER as a Twilight Sparkle supporter for the throne (no one knows her ambition am sure) am in full steam! FOR THE QUEEN OF DARKNESS, TWILIGHT SPARKLE!
BUCKING GREATEST CHAPTER EVER!
(and a extra smile for you sir )
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/64419
I said Mustard BOMBS, not Mustard BREAD!
1282795 I thought the sterilization would pass onto any consumers. I'm sorry, I didn't know how that fancy biologic chemicalness whatnot works.
And, if I did get sterilized... no children to worry about...
On second thought, nevermind! The passed on sterilization is a bonus now!
There needs to be a kinky emoticon.
Or should I say... kinkie emoticon.
Haha, I am so clever!
...This was awesome.
All hail the unicorn master race!
1282399. Yeah, I noticed that too. Author didn't even acknowledge your comment.
This chapter was hilarious!
Lol.
... But Spike is a Communist. His mustache is way more like Broseph Stalin's.
[youtube=TgnIjJexut4]
Not to nitpick, but wouldn't Twilight say
Sieg Heil Mein Fuhrer,
Reichsführer-SS Twilight Sparkle
1282582
Historically, their skins were more valuable anyway.
For the master race!
Hail Pony!
And so Twilight had created the genophage.
...
Had to be her. Somepony else might have gotten it wrong.
1284015 she had help (not that she would admit it) from this guy
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/218/5/3/mordin_solus_by_zhantora-d5a1ech.jpg
anypony got a ponified pictuer of Mordin
So, when will Equestria finally attack the Christal Kingdom? Manifest Destiny, head of the Un-Equestrian Activities Committee, said that we need to move against the 'Gilded Menace'. Viva Solaris!
I'm never going to look at this episode in the same way.
1284044
Fuckin' brilliant.
Sure I'll get flamed for being the lone dissenter in the ranks, but...
This one? Wasn't funny.
1284387 Since you ARE the lone dissenter (so far), care to explain why?
This, is by far the best chapter. I mean you absolutely wrecked the actual plot, but you did it in a way that no events were changed, just a different (and Better) light was shone on them. Farkin' Beautiful.
1284015
Dude, dat reference. I'm going to go play that again.....
i dont speak german, yet i found the last lines funny
1282717 I didn't get a harrumph out of that guy.
Give Celestia a harrumph
harrumph
1284614 You watch your flank.
1284628 lol, ok
1282582
Cough ponies are herbivores cough
1282717
Zebras (Or Ziggers) are expendable and therefore our frontline infantry. Also we use their infants.
Sieg Hiel!
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thatsmyphilosophy.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/blog_godwins_law.jpg
Gah! AH!! OH!!! Errr....that is messed.
Wait, I thought she hated Celestia.
Nazi Twilight? I'm okay with this.