• Member Since 15th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

Cynical


Cynical Brit.

E
Source

They say that curiosity killed the cat?
It's a good thing that Rainbow Dash is a pegasus then, when she hears that Pinkie has been sworn to silence by Twilight after hearing yet another secret, she can't help asking about for any loopholes.

It's a simple challenge, all she has to do is spend the day helping Pinkie Pie.
Right?

Many, many thanks to Lostzilla for the cover image. Hopefully this story does it justice.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 53 )

Now what the fuck is this doing here with only two views? Sounds pretty interesting, honestly!

I'll toss ya a comment and a favorite. And an up-vote, of course. Nice story. :twilightsmile:

Good overall, but man alive do you need to fix the formatting between paragraphs.
It really takes away from the story because of how it stumbles the reader.
:twilightsmile:

Holy balls. That was good.

Faved.

~Skeeter The Lurker

Twilight’s secret had better not be something stupid like not following the decimal system in the library or something.

To be perfectly honest, I was expecting that this WOULD be the secret, just for how funny that would be, and it would also be a Brick Joke.

Very nice subversion of my expectations. Though now that I think about it, I probably SHOULD have expecting that it would end in shipping somehow...

But this was quite funny.

2359263
Probably waiting to be read, you know... just standing there in the corner patiently...
watching.

2359516
Thanks muchly :twilightsmile:

2359575
Expand please, they look like normally formatted paragraphs on my screen... I'll just assume my screen is wrong for now.

2359864 2359920
Thanks and Thanks respectively, have a TwiSmile :twilightsmile:

2359975
The Romance tag might have given the game away somewhat... and whoever said that it was the only secret, Twilight is super-secrative about her system of reverse-hexidecimal Dewey Decimal system.

This was a story
This was a ship
This was a Twidash
This was a damn good Twidash
Very nicely done, I do enjoy a good comedy, especially one that knows when to be serious. And especially one that does need to get serious on occasion. All in all, I could not ask for more.

Very sweet story.

Comedy wasn't particularly amazing, though.

I'll confess, I wasn't sure about this story at first. Glad I gave it a shot though, it was a nice one. Faved for awesomeness!

By the way.. I can't help but notice the 'incomplete' tag...

If I may be so bold... What more do you plan to do with this? Seems solid enough for a one-shot.

~Skeeter The Lurker

I don't get it. I feel like I'm missing an earlier scene which would cause rainbowdash to care so much about this secret and finding twilight. She sure does go through a lot just to learn a secret about one of her frineds, but that's fine, I can believe that I guess, but once pinkie tells her what twilight said, why does she run off? Up until that point shes hardly thought about twilight or that she was off thinking, why would she suddenly run there after learning that twilight has a favorite hill?

“Oh that? Twilight said that Ponyville hill east is a really good stargazing place and that she went there a lot to think about things.”

And once she gets there ( I had assumed RD was running there to get on to twilight for having such a lame secret) we get some sort of philosophical speech about the universe and people in general. Then she springs on to RD that she likes her.

Am I missing something? What happened before all this that gave RD a reason to suspect a large secret form twilight? Maybe she had been avoiding her for a few weeks or something, and RD was desperate to find out why, or maybe RD had let slip that she might like twilight but got an unsure reaction from twilight. I feel like this is two different stories. The first being a simple comedy with it ending at learning the lame secret. The second being an ending to a romance drama, where we missed the build up. If I'm missing something, please point it out to me, cause as it stands this story just doesn't make sense.

I think Applejack is broken :rainbowlaugh:
Also Rainbow in a Bunny suite? :rainbowlaugh: and D'aawww :fluttercry: but mostly :rainbowlaugh:

Incomplete? So there's going to be some more to this story than meets the eye? It was well written, I just had a few questions about the story, but I'll hold onto them until the next chapter (?) comes out. :twilightsmile:

2361019
Yeah... there's a reason I don't write comedy very often, but hey... try where you can.

2361850 2362527
Funny story about that... was offline when it was posted and any moment where I might have thought 'oh crap' may have been lost while I was pre-occupied with gaming.

2362525
Note to self... cheating like that in a story seems to work (there's only so far I'm going to go before even I agree that the comedy sunk, Applejack seemed to be holding a rather large cannon at the time)

2360642 2361241
:twilightsmile:

2362077
Yeah...
about that....
*runs and hides elsewhere*

2362527 hey Timey Wimey :rainbowkiss:

[youtube=ax4y5iE1TKw]

2362650 Everywhere I go...between you and Darqy I'm getting scared here :pinkiecrazy:

media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lflgi9qct91qdufy3.gif

2362683 you should be, I've killed hundred of time lords :pinkiecrazy:

2362716 2362683

Now now, play fair, you know if you kill more it's just going to bite you in the back when you have a suspicious lack of heavy ordinance and Timaeus is the only one who could have saved the day.

2362716 So...does that make you The Master and me The Doctor? Wait...other way around since technically The Doctor was responsible for killing most of the time lords? :rainbowhuh: My head hurts now.

2362719 Yeah what he said, I totally got this shit under control here as long as I don't die.
funnycapture.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Chill-out-i-got-this.jpg

2362737 you never watched the episode where they accidentally go out of time and space itself and come across that entity that feeds off of TARDIS's ?

2362754 That sounds familiar...I can't quite place my finger on the episode though. Which Doctor was that again?

2362778 Right duh, now I remember that episode. Matt Smith's been kinda ho-hum for me for the most part with the exception of a few outstanding episodes. But I blame Amy Pond for that (I never really did like her). And now that we've got somebody interesting paired up with The Doctor, Matt Smith's contract is up this November. So...we get half a season of Matt Smith with somebody that isn't Amy or Rory :ajbemused:

2362787 aww I liked the Ponds :rainbowkiss:

2362800 I liked them well enough initially I guess...it's just that Amy became really boring for me and I stopped liking her really quickly. Don't get me wrong, I loved Rory. Oh, and all that stuff with River Song took me a little while (and a couple re-watchings of that amazingly done episode) to get, but she was still awesome as usual.

A... pity.

The buildup of the story was very nice, and there were some genuinely good moments in here (even if most of the comedy felt forced) But Twilight attraction literally came out of nowhere, and much the same with Dash.

I'd recommend you take this story and expand on it, as it has the potential to become something great, but as it is now it's not quite getting there.

If you're not good at comedy, that's not a failing, you could make this into something more than enjoyable with a bit more effort.

2363421
You misunderstand...
When I say I don't write comedy... I mean I really Don't write comedy, it sort of degrades sometime around the mid-way mark. As it did here. This might also answer someone else's comment somewhere, it was written as two thirds, the start and the finish, and the middle bit was filled in later (which was probably the weakest part, yes).

I agree that I did sort of throw in the TwiDash for the sake of TwiDash, and the story suffered as a result of it...

Whether or not I add things/rewrite is dependant on whether or not I can actually look at it myself again.

In short?
I completely agree with you...
but that doesn't mean that I can do anything about it.

2363519

In short?

I completely agree with you...

but that doesn't mean that I can do anything about it.

Of course you can! The story has a lot of potential, be it as a comedy or a romance (whichever you prefer)
and as an extension, you have a lot of potential as well!

My answers to the three questions in the story
1: the fence is white, they all are.
2. the Library is a non-sentient Deku Tree, because no other tree grow that big, hollow, and alive.
3. If you want a cupcake, but don't want to go to Sugarcube Corner, find Derpy. A muffin with icing on it can be used as a substitute for a cupcake, and Derpy is kind enough to share :derpytongue2:

As for the ending :rainbowderp::twilightoops:
forums.babypips.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=36940&d=1354444462

2363570
We'll see.

2364328
See above.

I read this. I don't know what I read, but I read it...

Nice story.

There are a few weaker points already mentioned.

The comedy parts, works for me, but it's not comedy.
For me it's the ending that somewhat breaks the story.
Have Twilight pressure Dash a bit more as to why she endured the day and then ran of to find her rather than having Twilight jump Dash like that. That short philosophical discussion was otherwise one of the highlights.

A few (or, what intially started out as a few... :facehoof: ) corrections and suggestions:

"Rarities ear flicked."
Should be "Rarity's", and this appears elsewhere in the story as well.

“Wuh, Hey, what gives?” she protested loudly
"Hey" should be uncapitalized.

She opened her eyes to see Pinkie dragging, what looked like, a large curtain from a closet, hiding something from view.
"What looked like" doesn't need to be seperated from the sentence by commas.


“Is that Rainbow Dash stood next to Pinkie over there?”
"Stood" should be "standing".

Pinkie’s incessant talking finally cut a path straight through Rainbow’s ears as she looked up to see her Number one fan standing by herself in front of a bouncing Pinkie Pie.
"Number" should be uncapitalized.

the scroll had been bound tightly and enchanted to stay rolled impossibly small, but now it was free, it wanted to stay that way, and the first thing it wanted to do as a free scroll was stretch.
Should be "but now that it was free".

There were some very obscure questions on here.
While I'm not exactly sure this is an error, "here" doesn't sound quite right, and makes it seem almost as if the sentence is addressing the reader, which it shouldn't be. "There" would be a suitable substitute.

As it turned out, it was Rarity and Sweetie Belle, the former running-ragged as she approached the table, Sweetie Belle huffing and puffing as she fought to catch up with her deranged sister.
"Running-ragged" doesn't need a hyphen.

It didn’t take an idiot to figure that one out; Rainbow only hoped that Pinkie’s classification of a Day wouldn’t have caused Twilight to leave already.
"Day" should be uncapitalized.

“Yep” Came the reply
Should be:
"Yep," came the reply.

On a similiar note, many of your quotes aren't structured correctly. Some, like the example above, have the first letter of the first word after the quotation marks incorrectly capitalized (i.e. when that word isn't a proper noun), while others, like this one:
“Hiya Rarity.” Pinkie greeted, only for Rarity to shoot past her and race for the sixth spot
have a period to end the phrase inside the quote, where a comma is needed.

Also, just a brief suggestion, many of the breaks in the text are used inconsistently. Sometimes you use them to break up quotes and paragraphs, and other times they remain clumped together. I would suggest doing a little research on how other authors use them, and subsequently revising them.

I can tell that this story has potential; there are some genuinely funny and clever moments, and it seems to be fairly well written. However, the two seperate parts of the story (the comedic bunny costume dare and the romance), remain very disjoint. There seems to be little to no connection between the two. Further, the romance seems very, very sudden and forced, with the story doing a poor job of explaining their motives. What does Twilight see in Rainbow? Why choose to have her wear a bunny suit and help Pinkie with Easter? As readers, we're left strugging to fill in the blanks.

I hope I don't sound like I'm speaking from atop a high horse, I genuinely would like to see this story improve, or I wouldn't have taken the time to critique it. I just figure that everyone could use a little constructive criticism. :twilightsheepish:

2372585
Fixed the minor things.
There's the one Major thing which I'm not touching with a 10-foot barge pole unless I'm drunk
And that's how they do paragraphs. This is how I do them.

Twilight is so wise in this story. Or at least she seems to be. That was an interesting shift from a frantic antics (see that amazing wordplay there?) of Pinkie's Easter egg hunt to the more calm and serene setting Twilight put herself in. It really makes Twilight seem like she's this motherly figure who's watching over everybody else from her hilltop, especially considering she was mentioned several times during the story, but we didn't actually see her until the end. You did a good job of leading up to that moment when Rainbow finally confronted Twilight about the whole mess, and Twilight's answer was really introspective and thoughtful. For a while, it kind of seemed like a RainbowxPinkie kind of thing, but there was always this mysterious "Twilight" pony they all kept bringing up who seemed to have had the whole thing planned out from the beginning. And as for your comedy writing skills, they really aren't as bad as you seem to think they are. If nothing else, it kept the mood cheery and contrasted against the final confrontation in the end. All in all, good work, author. You deserve all the praise you've gotten so far, and the haters ought to be ashamed for having such ludicrous opinions.

2372585
Those blanks the readers fill in aren't blank at all. They're filled to the brim with answers that are just a bit too far away for us to see.

Awwww!

Also, I loved the ending!

Also, I don't mean to seem callous, or rude, or mean, or, anything, but... I didn't know this was a comedy. I thought it was a loving and well written cutesy story, and I loved every second of it.

Truly.


Sorry!! :fluttercry:

2403112 Which was what I was afraid of. But it would feel wrong to lie, So, I... Well, didn't.

2403112 But thank you for being honest with me as well. I rather someone be honest, then lie to my face to make me feel better. Especially if I was making myself look like an utter moron like I did with my previous comment.

2379174

A story is what you make it.
Honestly I've seen some stories which proclaim to be sad, and are for some people, etcetera, etcetera.

But cutesy's just as good as well :twilightsmile:

Kind of an abrupt, frustratingly open ending, but otherwise a good story. Planning on a sequel?

2409864
When I wrote it, I wasn't planning on a sequel.
5 minutes ago, I wasn't planning on a sequel.
Now I am entertaining the idea of a sequel...

I really should complete some of my stories first before I even think about any of that malarkey.

But I'm still not really planning on a sequel.

2409916

Dooooo iiiiiiit..... you know you waaaant toooooo~ :rainbowwild:

CLIFFHANGER! WHY U DO DIS?! :raritycry: great story, just imaging rainbow in a bunny costume!:rainbowkiss: i honestly thought fluttershy would burst out saying how cute and fluffy she looked :rainbowlaugh: the whole "twidash" was a bit random but hey, ho! I knew it was coming! and im down for some random chiz :derpytongue2: well i will fave, up vote and...put a reminder to email me when next chapter comes out (?) once ive done commenting, and i'll have to see and check if it has "incomplete" on it :twilightsmile: I hope to see more of this story!! :ajsmug:
Fluttershy: Rainbow?
Dash: yeah, yeah i know, im dressed as a bunny...deal with i-
Fluttershy: aww you look so adorable!!
:rainbowhuh: wha?
Fluttershy: you look just like a real bunny!..but only 10x bigger.... and having a rainbow mane and tail...
Rainbow: :twilightblush: err heh...*scratching back of neck* so anyways what u doing here anyways?

:moustache:
hope to see more!:pinkiehappy:

The gauntlet has been thrown to Rainbow Dash, Pinkie has agreed to tell her Twilight's secret on one condition... she must dress up as the Easter bunny for one full day.

OOC Pinkie breaks Pinkie Promises. :ajbemused:

2362077 that is for Cynical to know, and for us to puzzle over:moustache:

Because you do an excellent job and make really adorable sweet fluffy fun?

I don't get it...

:raritywink:

Why don't you write comedy? You're tons better than me or others I've seen. Trust me, you've got comedy in your blood.

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