Chapter 1
Equestria's industrial revolution happened nearly opposite of the human one.
On Earth, humanity's industrialization started with the creation of mechanisms and then doggedly chased ways to power them. Progressing from hand-cranks to steam to internal combustion to nuclear fission, humanity's progress was ever a search to find something to satisfy their exponentially growing need for more energy and electricity. Each cutting edge development that pushed the envelope — whether revolution that changed the landscape or evolution that refined an already established system — demanded a greater sacrifice to feed it. Even discoveries that reduced power consumption merely lead to greater numbers of items with lower individual draws taking up the same amount of power.
Equestria, on the other hoof, started its industrial period by solving the energy crisis and finding itself flooded with cheap, plentiful and nearly infinitely renewable power that needed a use.
Glass smashed loudly as Cadance broke the tube open with her magic. The changeling inside dropped to the floor amidst a pool of numbing fluid, flopping and gasping for air. It looked horrible — atrophied, sickly and its carapace an unhealthy ash grey. At least it seemed well-fed, but that was little surprise given where they were. The writhing creature probably wouldn't survive for more than a couple of minutes — few changelings who had been used as power sources for any length of time were able to without medical assistance — but at least it would die free.
It had been shockingly easy for most ponies to forget that every building in Equestria had one or more of those tubes in it — just put a bit of pretty wallpaper on it and it was out of sight, out of mind! Then they could reap the benefits of free electricity without having to think about the emotion-eating creature trapped in chemical stasis next to the coat rack.
And everypony knew it was better to not think about it. The changelings were just converters, after all. Equestria's leadership had gone to great lengths to remind its ponies that the true source of power was them. They were providing for themselves and could take pride in their accomplishments! The changelings were just a middle step in the process — ponies were what made it all work. So there was no guilt — just pride. And that was a good thing, too. If they didn't generate the ambient happiness and love in their lives to feed the changelings, there would be nothing to be metabolized by the pathovores and subsequently converted into electricity. Happier ponies meant more power meant quicker advancement and a higher quality of life!
So it made sense the changeling had been set up in the break room, between the vending machines. Not the most secure place, but when you were trying to power your alarm system, you didn't want to lose power. So the tube was right by where everypony had their lunch — always made with love! — and that kept the security operating. Until Cadance broke it out, at least.
The alarms taken care of, Cadance was able to cut the window open and move through the dead of night, creeping further into the building. On the surface, this was just a random non-descript regional office of Flim/Flam Corp — part of why it had drawn her suspicions was because it was so pointedly unsuspicious. It was nothing industrial: just offices and cubicles for the shuffling and filing of various forms of paperwork for Equestria's largest corporation.
She knew better. Flim and Flam might have revolutionized Equestria with their changeling power sources, but they were still two-bit grifters at heart. All it had taken was another con-pony to figure out the misdirection. It was a shame that the Guard had grabbed Trixie during the last raid, but she'd given Cadance the key. She knew where she needed to be and now she was inside, sneaking through thinly carpeted halls and under the unlit fluorescent lights.
The elevator was out of the question — too easy to get caught in. Cadance had learned that early in her crusade when two of the ponies that followed her had been captured that way. That first operation — now nearly ten years ago — had been clumsy, flailing around half-blind to break out captive changelings without thinking ahead. A third of her little group of rebels had ended up in the hooves of the Guard and the two changelings they'd rescued hadn't survived their liberation. But important lessons were learned and later attempts had been both more successful and less costly.
So the stairs it was.
If somepony did look at the building and think it was suspicious, they would have naturally been drawn to the basement. The blueprints of the basement indicated an area that had once been a tunnel that connected to a neighboring building, long since closed off. It screamed there was a secret entrance or hidden laboratory. Trixie had assured Cadance it was a decoy, likely bristling with alarms and leading nowhere..
Instead, the former Princess proceeded up to the third floor.
The center of the building was an atrium — meant to give the earth pony members of the staff a place to feel comfortable and for pegasi to flex their wings (both feeding the changeling power converters set up around the edges of it), and in turn the atrium shaped the rest of the building into a ring. That, too, was by design. Budding psychological studies had shown ponies felt more comfortable around curves than angles, so architecture had adapted to that. Maximum happiness meant maximum power, after all. That's why everything was painted a pleasant shade of beige (the most popular color in Equestria!) and the recirculated air had the faintest hint of orange blossom.
But the central atrium wasn't what Cadance cared about. It merely created a void in the center of the third floor, slowing her progress slightly as she briskly trotted to the opposite side of the building from the stairwell. That was where her goal was: an exceptionally nondescript filing room that contained one of the greatest secrets in Equestria.
Which filing cabinet was easy — Flim and Flam's misdirection finally gave way to their need for security. After all, it was the only one fitted with double locks and physically bolted down to prevent it from being stolen. It was not, however, secured from an alicorn's magic shredding the wards and peeling the side open like a tin can.
It took mere seconds of shuffling to find the proper folder.
And there it was. Secure through obscurity — the formula for the chemical bath that kept the changelings passive and dreaming within their tubes. With it, they could develop an antidote or at least a recovery treatment. Rescuing changelings from their prisons would turn from a roll of the dice to almost assured survival — and in turn? That meant Cadance and her team could finally chase their final goal: discovering the location of the changeling queen. Chrysalis was a monster, but she was a useful monster. Taking her away from Flim/Flam would cut off their ability to create more changelings for batteries and gaining her as an ally would give the rebels far more power as well as a brilliant strategic mind well versed in infiltration and espionage. They could finally move forward from flash raids and sabotage. They could go from freeing three or four changelings to dozens at a time.
Turning the folder in her magic, Cadance couldn't help but smile.
"Don't move."
The voice behind her was firm. Commanding. Unyielding. Familiar.
She moved anyway.
Turning around, her smile grew. "Hello, Shining Armor."
He stood tall in the doorway, silhouetted against the atrium, darkly visible through the glass-walled hallway. "I said not to move."
"I'm spirited." Cadance shrugged but otherwise remained still. "I thought you said you liked a mare that was strong and self-determined."
Shining rubbed his temple to ward off a headache. "As a spouse, not as a criminal nemesis."
She laughed. "Shiny, you know we're not each other's nemesis. You might have been chasing me for years, but we're not enemies. And we are still married."
"Cadance. Stop making this harder." He stepped into the room proper, staying lined up with the door to block her escape route. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the lower light — she didn't move to try and run away as they did. "Please. It's over. Just come peacefully."
Her response was a shake of the head and a little laugh. "It's just starting. I have what I need, Shiny. It's not over now, but it's going to be. I can stop this — once and for all."
He sighed heavily. "No, Cadance, you don't… Cadance, it's over. You're the only one left."
She blinked. "What?"
"You're the only one left," Shining repeated. "We cleaned out your safehouse. All of your group of terrorists are in custody. You're only free because I waited until after you left before I ordered the Guard to move in — I was hoping I could talk you down. Avoid you getting hurt."
Cadance's jaw set tight. "Were any of them hurt?"
"Almost nothing worse than bruises and headaches," Shining assured. "Maybe a twisted ankle. The only one that got really hurt is your hit-mare — the ex-SMILE agent? She's got a concussion, but she'll heal despite her shouts that we'd never take her alive. That's why I did it, not Flim and Flam's corporate security."
"Their thugs," Cadance bitterly clarified. Then she switched tracks. "How did you find us?"
The answer was just a single word. "Flurry."
Anger spiked in Cadance. "You used our daughter? You turned a child against me?"
"She's fifteen!" Shining Armor spat the venomous words back with a burst of his own fury. "And I didn't do anything! She came to me because she's tired of living on the run. She wants a real life. She wants a normal family, not one where her parents are hunting each other and every other week she needs to move so her mother can avoid capture."
That crushed Cadance to silence — bitter silence, but silence.
"It's over," Shining restated as he took a step forward. "Come on."
Cadance shook her head. "I can't. Shining, this is important."
"More important than our daughter?"
"Important because of our daughter," she shot back. "Shining, look at the world we live in! Look at what Equestria's become! Is this really the best world we can make for her?"
Grumbling, Shining rubbed his temples again. "Cadance, I'm trying to arrest you. Are you really going to pull this argument now? You and I have talked about this before and you know my opinions."
She didn't relent. "It's based on slavery! We're creating living, thinking creatures and putting them into tubes! Leeching their life force until they die!"
"They're not people, Cadance," Shining pushed back. "They're a hive mind or something, the things in the tubes are just drones. They don't have their own thoughts or feelings. And even if they did, they'd be monsters! Don't you remember what happened at our wedding?"
A dark shadow passed across Cadance's face. "I remember. But that doesn't justify what we're doing. And we don't have any proof of any of their intelligence aside from what Flim/Flam says — and you can't tell me you trust them."
He hesitated. "Okay, well, no, I don't trust them. But do you really think Princess Celestia would go along with this if they weren't?"
"Princess Celestia is given the chance to eliminate one of Equestria's enemies while helping ponykind?" Cadance snorted. "Auntie's too savvy to not take that opportunity."
There was an opening — Shining took it. "So you admit things have changed for the better! Pony lives have improved!"
"Some pony lives," Cadance shot back. "Or are you forgetting how the top qualification for every job in Equestria is how much you'll enjoy it? That nearly everything has become become about how much ambient love you'll generate?" She swung her hoof almost violently out, waving at the wider world. "Ponies getting fired from jobs because they didn't love the work enough. Couples breaking up because they're only ninety-nine percent compatible. Sporting events turning away fans who aren't passionate enough!"
Shining Armor held his hooves up in surrender. "Alright, alright, I admit there's been some growing pains."
"Growing pains?!" Cadance stomped loudly — enough to cause the filing cabinets around her to jump. "Shiny, half of Equestria is miserable and the other half is desperately trying to be happy out of fear. Ponies don't love things because they love them anymore, they do it because they don't have a choice. 'Love it or lose it' isn't supposed to be that literal and you know it."
He snapped. "Cadance!" And then calmed back down. "Yes, alright, sure, you've got a point. But was the best choice really to become a terrorist? You were a Princess. It's not like you didn't have plenty of power and influence. You could have just passed a law or a decree or something against it before it all even started. Sure, Flim and Flam would have complained, but who cares about them? Why do you think somepony would have stopped you?"
A wry smile came to Cadance's lips. "Because Auntie's too savvy to not take the opportunity."
Both were quiet after that, letting the situation soak in for a long, long minute. Shining broke the silence. "So I can't convince you to come with me, can I."
Cadance shook her head. "I'm sorry, Shiny, but no. Even if I had my title revoked, at heart I'm still the Princess of Love. And right now, love is being abused. It's hurting ponies instead of giving them joy. I can't just sit back and pretend everything is fine."
"And I can't let you go." Shining's body tensed, preparing for their fight to go from verbal to physical. "Maybe there's problems and maybe you've got a point. Maybe I don't have a solution for them, either. But that doesn't change things, Caddy. What you're doing is wrong. I can't let you keep hurting ponies with your crusade."
In the near-darkness of the office, Cadance blinked a few tears away. "If that's what it's come to. I can't give up now — not when it's still happening and not after everything I've given up."
"Not even for Flurry?"
Cadance winced. "Having her mother be in Tartarus isn't a normal life either, Shiny."
And Shining Armor… relaxed. "What if I said you wouldn't go there."
Similarly, Cadance relaxed a touch, too. Though hers was mixed with surprise. "What?"
"You wouldn't go to Tartarus," Shining reiterated. "Or prison at all. Princess Celestia and I… well, we made a deal." It was enough — at least enough to visibly confuse Cadance and buy time for him to elaborate. "Flim and Flam are willing to let you be mostly free. House arrest, basically. Just a long vacation for the three of us — you and Flurry and I in a big luxury cabin, far away from the rest of the world." He took a step forward, voice quivering with eagerness. "It would be normal, Caddy, or close enough to it. Not even princess stuff! We could just be a family without any of the complications."
She hesitated. "Why would the brothers do that? They hate me — and for good reason." Cadance didn't need to question the others involved — Princess Celestia was savvy, but she still had a heart, after all.
Now it was Shining's turn to falter before admitting the catch. "They know how much we love each other," came the poisoned pill. "And how much we love Flurry. They want it because we'd be one of the biggest power sources in Equestria, so it's a profit. But who cares? Cadance, you wouldn't have to run anymore! Flurry could grow up with a real family! So what if those swindlers will line their pockets a little?" Shining stepped forward once more, closing to just barely out of reach of Cadance. "I care about you. I care about us. ...Come home with me, Cadance. Please."
It was a hard sell and difficult to turn down. Cadance quietly asked just one question. "Where?"
Shining stopped, caught off guard. "What?"
"Where's this 'luxury cabin' supposed to be?"
Confused, he answered with hesitation. "It's just outside Vanhoover? There was an old pear orchard that's got plenty of land and—"
Cadance darted in, planting a quick kiss on Shining's cheek. In the moment he was stunned, she gave a heave of her wings and catapulted him backwards. The glass surrounding the atrium gave no resistance. It shattered — dropping Shining down to the bushes below and giving Cadance an escape route. The folder she fought so hard to gain fluttered to the floor, forgotten as she flew out and up.
High in the sky, Cadance turned herself northwestward. Towards Vanhoover. Towards that remote luxurious cabin in the old orchard. Towards her final quarry. Only one changeling was strong enough to absorb so much love, after all. Chrysalis had to be there, encased in a battery housing of her own and waiting to drink Cadance's love.
Without the rest of the resistance, there was no point in gambling to rescue the queen. But even if she didn't survive being extracted, it would still cut off Flim and Flam's supply of new changelings. It would save Equestria's future, even if it sacrificed so much to get there.
But then, Cadance was used to sacrifice by this point.
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woot
Honestly, there's no other way this could have ended.
Amor aut mortis!
There has to be a sequel eventually?
11020026
I half-remember a fic where Discord showed Starlight an alternative Equestria where
Chrysalis´ forces won and proceeded to pod all ponies for energy, Matrix style. Eventually changelings used magic genetics to turn ponykind into fetus-like things which only existed to produce love.
I admit, I didn´t imagine ponies being capable of pulling the same dystopy.
11020092
I don't know if I read it somewhere or imagined it myself: "If you can't imagine it happening here, you're either frightfully dull or not trying hard enough."
And this is why Cadance is my best princess.
Oooh, that's a clever ending!
Mrm
Just a thought: The solution to remove the pony-downsides to this dystopia would be for them to make Windigo batteries.
If Windigoes were there to absorb negative emotions, the ponies would no longer need to be trapped in only having to feel joy.
Holy-
Cadance, you're incredibly smart.
Javert, Javert... (Googlings)
Damn. I gotta watch Les Mis before I can grok pony fic
It just occurred to me that this "Vanhoover pear orchard" was the place Grand Pear relocated to after the events of The Perfect Pear's flashback scenes.
Nice touch, and well done on the story overall!
:)
is the title a ref to this song?
11020282
Of sorts? Less a reference to the song itself and more remembering the song and going "Yeah, that's perfect for a story about converting love into electricity."
I wonder if that house was designed by both the government with flim and flam help to designed personally that cute little dark cottage as a big energy generating project? just have to gave it to shiny on purpose on condition to "spare" his wife that he "loves" so dearly to make it all "perfect" just need Candance the most important piece living a "loving" life in isolation on the grace of aunty and husband forgiveness and accept there generous "mercy" living on government property {trapped chrysalis nearby hidden to refine love and bred more changelings} to catapult Equastria with more energy too a better "harmony" a true "golden" age for pony kind!
11020294
makes sense, :)
Also: Hey SirNotAppearingInThisFic.
When you read this for the judging? I made sure to fix all of the em-dashes. Just for you.
This is fantastic. But now I want a sequel of the consequences. No no it needs to be grander. Equestria needs to roll in its own grave, as it realizes the drones had minds. It was slavery, and now they can't get anymore. Cadence might be executed, but she'd die or get sent to tartarus with a smile.
Honestly, I wish this was greatly expanded. As of now, it reads like a climax with no buildup. An excellent climax, admittedly, but still.
11020166
And harvesting the power would be simple too. Wind turbines or stirling engines would both be capable of the task.
My only criticism is that it's a little short. As a hunch, I think around 8000 words would have been ideal for this story to be told. A little more at the front and a chunk more at the back.
The intro was great though; contrasting it with our industrial revolution.
11020337
11020417
Agreed.
It feels like the literary equivalent of edging. Like, this has been fun and all, but seeing it through would have been astronomically better. But hey, just because it ain't perfect doesn't mean it ain't worth reading.
Fantastic work here, and great world-building by the way.
Bruh...
I am so curious about this world, this can so easily be expanded on!!! Wow.... Just... Wow.... This is beautiful!!!
11020166
I feel like the same capitalistic force that drove this love economy would also incentivize extreme misery with windegos. If you can't literally be the happiest then it would be more economically viable to put you in some sort of misery gulag. Cadence already pointed out how a love economy would create less productive "second class" citizens. Why would a company settle for minimal misery when they could potentially turn the "unproductive" into just as efficient generators of energy?
Hmm, there might be a point in this Equestria's history where biotechnology could've advanced to a point where Flim and Flam could just make servitor-style changeling clones, completely stepping past half of the basis for Cadence's rebellion.
Something would still need to be done about the emotional requirement though, now that's dystopia.
11020608
You say that as if the literal objectification of a race of people wouldn't count as anything less than a genocide. Or that what came before these "servitor drones" wouldn't also count as a genocide. Or is it that Equestria will just allow the changelings back their free will and pretend nothing happened?
Definitely a demonstration that just because something's legal doesn't mean it's right.
I want to see this concept expanded upon
God, I love world building stories like these. I know other people don't because they see it as a teaser at what could be, but I love it BECAUSE of that. There's so much here to think about and question that it makes me want more but also leaves me satisfied with only a one shot.
First thoughts, Trixie in the resistance as a crucial member, I thought it was interesting. You'd think a showboater who makes ponies happy with performances would thrive in an environment like this, but the fact she isn't either says something about her morals or shows us that something else has happened in her career to push her towards a rebellion.
It also leaves a few interesting questions, like how Flim and Flam managed to get their hooves on Chrysalis. One or two changelings, sure, but the Queen and the entire swarm? It makes me think that Celestia did more than just approve their project, maybe she actively helped them get it off the ground. Also, I know not mentioning Luna or Twilight could just be the author forgetting to include them or not thinking about it, but I like to believe that there's something deeper there. Maybe they were part of the resistance too? Maybe they're both all for enslaving the Changelings.
Finally, Amazing world building. You could have just stopped at, "Changelings are batteries and it's wrong," but you took it a step further. You brought up how buildings are designed for optimal joy, how some jobs can fire employees for not being happy enough, exploring ideas I didn't even think to consider in this world. This is truly amazing. 10/10. Would read again.
I'm not a judge for this contest, but out of all the stories I've read that entered, admittedly not all, this one is one of my favorites.
11020827
In this case it was "let's not start introducing major characters who would logically have impact on the plot if they're just going to make things a lot more complicated and don't actually appear or influence things."
The core of this specific scene is a conflict between spouses, and I thought bringing Twilight (particularly) into it would over-complicate things. It would add to the world building, but it would take away from this specific moment. And I'm all about the moment.
Not gonna lie, this is a fascinating dystopian concept. I would love to read more about how this all came about, what event in particular (if any) pushed Cadence over the line and spurred her into rebelling. Maybe even stories of her and her resistance fighting to reveal the truth of Flim and Flam's corruption.
Whether you choose to do this or keep this story self-contained, this was a fun and exciting short read! Thank you for sharing it!
Fascinating snapshot of a truly disturbing landscape. I can’t help but think that Cadence could easily recruit a new resistance given the sullen, disenfranchised ponies who are disenfranchised because they’re sullen. Heck, this could escalate to full-fledged popular uprising. Celestia’s too savvy to ignore that, especially if Lovebutt takes down Chrysalis first. That might have even been the long-game strategy to begin with…
Great stuff. As has been noted, a bit short on the lead-up, and I am curious about how else the world developed differently given how Thorax, Ocellus, et al. clearly aren’t a thing, but all told, a great heist with a twist. Thank you for it, and best of luck in the judging.
11020092
Yeah, that’s one of mine, A Crazed Gleam. I wasn’t expecting the inverse either.
I see that little Undertale Reference in the description.
And my goodness, this story has a magnificently woven world. (In terms of story and character development, not the world's ponies actual lives within said story. Those seem miserable. Which I'm assuming is the point, as this is a dystopian style world here). I love stories that are able to give us an insight view of a well developed and interesting world. Just enough information to get a good picture, but not enough to withhold the readers imagination from running to wild. So many questions and theories can be made for this story, and I'm completely on-board with it.
Fantastic work, one that truly does justice in showing us a whole new picture to see Equestria through.
Huh yer before even reading this the au tag makes sense as cadence would never stand for the abuse nor celestia
This is great because ironically ponies became the changelings. All the changelings are trapped in what are basically pods powering stuff just like the changelings we’re going to do to ponies. It also seems they have become very dependent on changelings as well. Beautiful irony.
11020604
Well if companies are forced to have both a changeling and a windigo battery, they would no longer need to care about emotions since both sides of the emotional spectrum would be productive
And even there i don't think there would be a need for such regulations, woudn't the most profitable, capitalistic course of action be to have both in the first place, since you would no longer need to spend rescources (or risk rebellion) chasing a specific emotion?
11021340
Wrong. Only love and hate would be useful, and the way to harvest the second one would be even uglier than the first. Imagine promoting racial hatred just to fill a quota.
Interesting concept. I liked your delivery, and while more meat to the story would have only made it better, in my opinion, it does accomplish what it set out to.
Considering changelings are my favorite race from the shows, it was great seeing them not as the villains but as the victims, and at least some ponies fighting for them. Reminded me of a story concept I had once; futuristic, two space corporations coming to blows over one of the corp's use of 'numblings', essentially partially lobotomized changelings.
11021919
If positive and negative energies were both taken, no quota would need to be filled since all energy would be taken at all time.
And yes, in the story, positive = love and hate = negative, just read the story and you'll see it.
If you can fill the changeling battery with someone eating chips, you can sure as hell fill the windigo one with someone who stub their toe (getting energy from unavoidable things). If you can fill the changeling battery with 99% compatible couples, then the windigo battery would make sure the 1% uncompatibility don't go to waste (and thus remove the ¨need¨ to break the couple). If you can fill the changeling battery with someone being happy at his job, then you can use the windigo battery for when he'll be tired or annoyed at something (Removing the ¨need¨ to fire him).
All of that would make the pony-side of things no longer a dystopia, since ponies would no longer need to be trapped in toxic positivity.
Well, good story, I also wonder what is the side of Twilight and Luna, if they are with Celestia or Cadence, also a little surprised that Flurry decided to betray Cadence, sure she is a teenager but she should know that by doing that she was only doing it worse
How does Chrysalis feel about all of this?
11023800
She's comatose in a vat.
I sooo want more of this.
Given the tags, he's dead.
I'm not sure this gets as little resistance as you're suggesting. I think 5/6ths of the Elements would be on Candace's side and maybe even all of them. No member of the Apple Family is using or trusting Flim and Flam. Fluttershy will hate it because of how cruel it is. Pinkie while enamored at first, will see how unhappy it's making many. With AJ and Shy on the same side of this issue I think they can sway Dash. Twilight seeing almost all her friends and Candace on the other side might be swayed. Rarity would likely be last, but I think she'd be suspiscious, her emotional mood swings would make the tech inconsistent for her, and I can see someone poking at her investigative instincts too
11022208
I believe it's a thing of only extreme emotions are harvested. Love is harvested, not like. Hate would be harvested, not irritation. If you fall in between the two spectrums you're not producing as strong as you could be
Howdy, hi!
I adore this entire story from start to finish. The image of rebel Cadance leading the revolution against her own aunt is so compelling and Shining Armour as the head guard going against her really sells this Carmelita Fox x Sly Cooper dynamic that I have always been a fan of (Cops x Robber pairing).
I really like the complicated ideas put forth about the energy consumption of Changelings. The fic definitely leans heavily against the idea of using them due to them being sentient creatures and of course the forced happiness of ponies working everywhere, which frankly I think is more than fine. You could take a nuanced take, but "don't enslave people" seems perfectly reasonable to me.
The heated conversation between Shining and Candace was also just mwah! It really encapsulated their relationship and stress points between morality and duty. You really managed to capture the little things in their speaking points and the stress they're both going through.
I also love the Flim/Flam like interludes in the brackets throughout the story, I just like to think Cadance is doing her thing then they both randomly show up shouting out their slogans.
Anyways, this fic was fantastic. Thank you for the read~!
A really intriguing world you’ve got here, and you did a great job of fleshing it out with your story. Putting Shining and Cadance against each other was a great way to frame your argument for an against this worlds set up and both of their characterisation were very well handled.
Felt that this fit portrayal of Celestia was a little off, don’t think she’d ever go full Slavery even with equestria’s enemies but this in an AU so it gets a little leeway.
Overall a really great read, great work
11020604
Agreed. Whether using love, hate, or anything in-between, they're gonna use it and force people to feel it. Or else. We see that kind of thing all the time in our own society, after all.
Tempest this was a pretty good slice of cyberpunk horror, getting a glimpse of what kind of biotech future this Equestria had descended into. I really enjoyed the concept and how Cadance effortlessly broke down the issues behind it, the results it's had on society. Seeing the way it's split apart Shining and Cadance makes a lot of sense, even if I kind of feel like Shining would've listened to Cadance at some point and joined her. If only because it feels almost wrong for them to ever be at odds.
But while this was a good slice, I will also admit... I wanted to see more. A lot more. I wanted to get an idea of daily life in this society, see what positives it brought to everyone, not just the negatives that Cadance mentions. Obviously this is obscene, and abhorrent beyond belief, a definitive dystopia, but it's one that should have a sugar bowl happy exterior and seeing that exterior first would allow the rest to have greater impact. This still has some impact, but not as much as it could have had.
Still that's all water under the bridge. Sometimes you just want to play around with an idea and not pursue it whole-hog, and I think that's what you were doing here. And for sticking your toes in the water and swishing them around for a few times, this was really great. Well done.
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I'm a little bit behind on my reading at the moment for Reasons™, so I haven't decided if I would take the time to leave comments on as many stories as I can yet.
But, since you've called me out
:
First, happily enough for more writers than just yourself, dashes and any other similar typographical oddities or errors, the sort of things that could easily enough be edited one way or another, are specifically not reflected in my judgement. Since I sort of figured that I would point out dashes more than a couple of times in the last contest, I made a note to myself about that the first time.
Now, if 'Normal difficulty' for hyphen/dash-usage is posting a story to fimfiction for general purposes (not a contest), then 'Hard' would probably be posting a story in a contest that I'm judging after I figured that I would point that sort of stuff out (but not score it). Like we had happen last time.
Look, I know the attention that I pay to dashes may be silly considering that none of this is really professional and I'm not really professional about it in any other part of my life, but here we are. I'm not even picky about which dash you want to use, if you use it well.
What you have done here is the combination of actions so secret that I didn't know it existed until now. Welcome to Nightmare difficulty.
There is exactly one em dash that I would consider used properly:
Why? Em dashes are generally supposed to not be spaced. En dashes are supposed to be spaced. I do periodically Google (other search engines too, sometimes) this fact to see if I'm just spouting nonsense that's hard to find a source for (though I think it it is/was also in the Fimfiction writing guide?).
And you spaced 32 em dashes by my count.
I truly did enjoy the story, though.
Oh, here's the Nightmare difficulty bonus round:
You missed a few.