I only like stories that are like me you know cute.
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Hello, my name is or was Beth. I say was, because something amazing happened to my daughter and me when we went to Everfree Northwest. You see we cosplayed as our OC's of our favorite character from MLP the lord of Chaos Discord. But then there was a flash of light and now we're in Equestria as mother and daughter Draconequus. I just hope we can prove to the ponies that we're not bad and show them sometimes a little chaos is a good thing.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Looks promising.
I love it so far. I need moar! Lol. Seriously though, great job.
There are some spelling mistakes and words that are missing or confused with other words, but the story is good and i'd like to see more.
If you need some help editing then message me, ill be more than happy to help.
If you want a crossover, i'm free
One word: editor.
Where did you get the cover art. I love that picture of pandora. What is the name of her daughter, and who is dad?
Shoudnt this have a human tag?
8397889
I second the notion. And perhaps offer my services?
8397889
i feel like being a prick so i will thats 3 words
Do you need an editor?
I'm here if you want. :P
PM me if you are interested.
8398108
8398050
Y'all go for it! Grammar Nazis, into the fray! Sieg hyphen!
hello the other 15 people here
Arglefargle! The run-on sentences hurt my heart.
Ok, look, I like this story idea, you've done an excellent job setting forth your plot and ideas, but great googly-moogly, the run-on sentences are just killing it for me.
I hope you get someone to edit and proofread, because I feel that this story has a lot of potential, and I don't wish to see it die off. Best of luck to you friend.
nice loving the story
i wan those plushies now
Are*
and looked down at her, admiring the work
not only her costume, but also my own.*
See, we decided to go to Everfree Northwest. Mainly so we could meet the people responsible for the creation of our favorite show My Little Pony Friendship is Magic.
Yep, I'm a Pegasister and I've been one for almost seven years. I had started watching it when my daughter was around four years old.
We are even members of FIMFiction, and we just love all the fanfics people write about Discord. Well... the teen and everyone rated stories. The mature ones I read alone.
Sorry, I'm getting off track. As I was saying, we were here to have fun and meet other Bronies. And maybe even get an autograph from John de Lancie!
After making sure we had everything we needed, and that our costumes were perfect, we headed out of the hotel to get to the convention before it started.
As we waited in line I had this funny feeling like we were being watched, at first, I brushed it off as having some people complimenting us on our costumes. After a while, we were able to head inside, the whole time I was keeping Angela close to me almost instinctively, probably due to that feeling was getting worse. I couldn't understand it, but it didn't feel like a bad feeling, just weird.
As we made our way around we saw different stands, and as we were looking through them we ended up buying a few things we liked. That was until we came to one particular stand, the person running it looked normal enough, but when she spoke it was like listening to the voice of an angel.
"Well, don't you two look precious! I haven't seen a Draconequus family in a long time. I bet Discord would just love to meet you both," She exclaimed, earning a giggle from us.
"Thank you, he just so happens to be our favorite character in the show." I thanked, having my daughter nod in agreement.
I was about to ask her something when Angela called for me to look at something on the ladies stand, looking at what it was made my eyes grow in shock. There, on a tray were the six keys of friendship!
--------------
Alright, I'll get some more editing done... soonish.
Hopefully, you'll listen to our advice.
Since everyone else seems to be pointing out that this story needs improvements in the grammar, I'm going to not focus on that and instead point out that the pacing for this story is a little bit too fast.
You've got too much happening one after the other with not enough description in-between. You need to space out the important bits you want to get too with a little bit of filler dialogue, either from the main character's observations, or from conversations between characters. I feel like you could have used the things you've used up to this point to write four or five chapters, and maybe not have Harmonia automatically know some of the things she knows. Things like what's happened in the show and info about the mane six and other ponies in Ponyville is alright, and doesn't really need to be explained how she knows that since, you know, we all pretty much know about them. But the things about Displaced and Void Dwellers, as well as Discord possibly being the only one to seal off the world from unwanted Displaced from getting in, those need to be explained to readers that aren't familiar with the rules of the Displaced, especially if they're rules explained in one specific Displaced's story and nowhere else. You need to cite the information, at least a little bit. Even if it's just saying "Harmonia remembers something from one of those Displaced stories she read about. *Something-something-Displaced lore* from *Insert Displaced story title*".
I'm sorry if this seems like a lot. But I believe, like everyone else, that this story has potential to be really good if you would take the time to fine-tune and refine it.
And with that any and all interest I had in this story is gone.
Well, a little bit fast I can understand it at least which makes me want to continue onward's!
8397919
The Artist is Lopoddity, here's a link to the picture
This Link answers who the second parent is though this is the artist's backstory behind the art, I don't know who the author chose as the second parent especially considering the fact that i haven't read the story yet
8398128
That pun made me love you just a little bit.
I would like to thank all of you who posted the long boring comments of what is wrong with this story because right now Chibi Deavi is in her room crying saying she'll never write again. So again I would like to thank you for crushing the dreams of an eleven-year-old girl I hope all of you feel so proud. For those of you who like the story, I will try and get her to write some more. Again I say thank you for all the thumbs up and to those of you who think you're so superior with your comments I say BUCK OFF.
8398396
I'm chock full of puns! I do so adore watching the plot advance, and have seen the use of more than a few plot devices and just how sticky they can get. Enough of my deviance and vice, how was your day? Mine has been, if I dare say, admittedly nice.
8398439
Albeit some was harsh, but how are we supposed to know the author was eleven? We are not psychic, nor can we interpret age by reading someone's writing/typing. You sir/ma'am need to make said person understand some people will not like and will probably say mean and rude things about their work. The internet is no place for safe critique, unfortunately. I for one liked it, it just needs some work. I support this story. I'm not sure on the permissions to use all the pictures since I'm not the author, but that's okay. He/she needs to read, research some more basics is all. Spacing, pace, punctuation marks and the like. And don't give me the she's/he's only eleven, they couldn't do all that. There are eleven year olds who can cook better than most adults I know, myself included. Sandwiches are my specialty.
I support this story, however it goes. Keep it up, Chibi.
I'd like to add my voice to the chorus of 'Editor' but take it one step further and suggest a Beta.
8398335
Things like what this guy highlighted being why. His comment is sitting at a 1:1 Like/Dislike ratio cus he was kind of a prickly dick about it but he was right. the portion he highlighted is bad. It's the 'lol pinkie so random 4th-wall-break woo' that everyone cliche'd needs to shove in, except without any form of the subtlety needed to make the joke work.
I applaud any writer with the bravery to show off their work to a larger crowd. But I am saddened by the falling standards of the community that such as this (a first try, no cleaning SI) hits the same featured box once graced by the likes of The Chase, Fallout Equestria, The Keepers of Discord, and The Moonstone Cup.
For anyone seeking a good Creative Writing forum to cut your teeth on as both a Reader and a writer, i highly recommend the Spacebattles Creative Writing section, and its sister site SufficientVelocity. they helped me grow standards, and are well known for being fair critics to new writers.
8398439
That is certainly a risk when publicly sharing one's work, and no amount of white knighting will change it (and possibly make it worse, I might add).
Instead, assuming your statement is true (we have no means to verify it), after the young lady's emotions have run their course, explain that the rating bar is a vastly better indicator of a story's general reception. And quite simply, that bar has a lot more green. I have pointed this truth out a few times in the past when encouraging fellow writers. That is also what one is the moment you share your writing. A fellow writer. You're in the proverbial club because you actually stepped up to make the effort.
Comments only apply to the individual commentator's opinion. If someone chooses to be a turd in word, you don't get a choice in the matter of the comment's creation. The best course of action is be objective of what was written, not take it as a personal attack, and see if they gave any insight into the story itself that you can turn around and use to become a better writer. That is the choice you have with every comment. You can never stop someone else from being a jerk, but you can always control how you react.
The premise of the story is interesting, unexpected, and loaded with potential for engaging nuance if done correctly.
Oh, and if necessary, channel your frustrations into yet another story. Everything can be used, for there are no limits in fiction.
8398439
I'm sure with more writing Chibi Devi will only improve. Practice makes perfect after all.
Well that escalated quickly.
Besides as long as she is having fun writing that is all that should matter.
Also great plushie collection. There is even Spike. I think the princesses are crazy well done too.
Great so the merchants are these Void Displacers. Okay, now I'm going to be extra careful when I go to a convention of any kind. Though I'm sure if I do find one it'll be a very ugly moment. For them!
Great work keep it up
I need to read this based on the description alone.
... I like the concept BUT I have to say that there are a few points that need work.
keep up the good work
For one the pacing is pretty screwed up.
Also you tell to much and show almost nothing. Let your readers discover your world. Not force-fed it to them.
Also there are a bunch of plot holes, for example from where does Harmonia know about the impending threat? And how does she know how to control her powers? And how can she be sure that she actually has the powers she thinks she has?
i like the idea.. but i got to paragraph 2... could use a once over with an editor.
I like it
Now that is a bare faced LIE! Sure there are asswholes like The Merchant, but there are plenty that mean well, why else would they send people to universes like Fall Of Equestria, or Conversion Bureau, or Assassinverse?
8398439
Perhaps you should explain to this supposed 11 year old that even professional novelists have editors, drafts, proofs & critics. No writing tumbles out of the brain refined & polished, there is nothing wrong with pointing out the rough edges.
Loving the concept but your grammar needs a lot of work.
Quick ?, Is Harmonia going to let Eris go to school in Ponyville with the CMC because that would all kinds of funny right there. OOOOOOOOOO by the way love the Story look like it will be a good one
8398439 I joined the fandom 5 years ago, and my first fic was honestly too big of a project. Pay attention to what the people here are saying, it will help and tell your daughter to toughen up. Slightly dickish comments are NOTHING to what the real world will throw at her. Also tell her the fic is currently at 2 on the feature box as I type this comment. The story HAS potential.
The whole "Pinkie the plot device that explains and know everything" thing can sometimes be annoying. Would've been much better if the characters explained at their own pace instead of jamming it all in one extremely long sentence.
Great start keep up the work im gonna need more to read of this. Make sure to add all the bad puns
I liked your fiction so far. And I would like to talk to you if you can allow me to use your Merchant as well. If you don't like the idea please answer me and let me know. Or if you are interested on what I'm doing with the merchants I would be glad to tell you.
This cured my pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. Assuming I had it to begin with. Which I didn't!
Good story. The concept fills my heart with mirth and merriment!
Okay - to the "editors" in the comment section:
If you really want to make a difference, ask the author, then PM them the corrections. Better yet, ask them what format is best for them. Don't clog up the comments with stuff no casual reader wants to look at.
Aside from that, I really think this story has potential, and therefore, I offer my services as an editor. As well as grammar, I try to also improve things like flow and word choice.
I don't require perfect grammar to be able to enjoy a story, though, so regardless of whether you accept or not, I still will like and read this story. But I know it is a pet peeve of some people, and I tend to be (overly) thorough with that kind of thing when I put my mind to it.
Loving this so far. Can't wait to see what else is in store!
Hmm... I think the "joining the CMC" thing would have been better expanded on, or at least postponed for later when it could be described more readily.
Still liking it so far, though. Not an idea that I see a lot.
I like this. I was wondering why the picture looked odd but now that I read the story it made more sense. Can't wait for more. Just. Keep it at a good pace. Don't go to fast.
I'll agree with the general populace. Maybe a quick proofread or two and spread things out a little more. I know it's a stylistic choice, but personally I'd have split this chapter into two or even three longer chapters to better pace it and flesh out the characters.
I like the potential though.
neat cover art.
8398439
You're saying an eleven-year-old wrote all of this? That's absolutely amazing! I love when young talent steps into the ring, and Chibi Devi clearly has great potential. I'd love to see where this story goes, because the idea of a necessity for cosmic balance is an interesting take on chaos magic. The fact that she included subclassifications of said chaos magic that are just as focused as a Pony's cutie mark or name is also insightful and clever.
Please tell her from me that I really hope to see more of this story soon, and not to feel bad about missing some of the grammar. Believe me, most adults make loads of mistakes when they write stories here on Fimfiction, and I can tell you from experience, Chibi Devi performs better than several I've checked before. If she would like, I'd love to help proofread her work. Since the chapters are a reasonable length, it should only take me an hour or two at most to do a quick run through, so it's not that big of a deal for me, and I've received training as a proofreader and editor in college, so she can rest assured I can catch and fix any points in grammar the other readers might talk about, and maybe tell her a little about the rules and formatting for her to remember for later use in her writing.
Send me a PM if Chibi Devi's interested, and I hope she feels better soon.