I was sleeping peacefully in the bed of the hotel room my daughter and I shared but something felt off. Maybe it was the fact there was a breeze or I could hear birds chirping. Or it could be that the memories of what happened started to come back to me.
Earlier that morning
" Mommy, come on we got to go," Was the cry of my energetic daughter Angela.
"Hold on sweetie I just have to make sure my horns or straight," I said looking from her back to the mirror. " There all done, now did you forget anything?" I asked as I stood up.
I walked over to my little girl and looked down at her admiring the work I did on not only hers but my costumes. See We decided to finally go to Everfree Northwest so we could meet the people responsible for the creation of our favorite show My Little Pony Friendship is Magic. Yep, I'm a Pegasister been one for almost seven years started watching it when my daughter was four years old. We are even members of the FIMFiction website and we just love all the fanfics people write about Discord well the teen and everyone stories the mature ones I read alone.
Sorry, I'm getting off track as I was saying we were here to have fun and meet other Bronies and Pegasisters and maybe get an autograph from John de Lancie. After making sure we had everything we needed and our costumes were perfect we headed out of the hotel to get to the convention before it started. As we waited in line I had this funny feeling like we were being watched. Brushing it off to having some people complimenting us on our costumes. We made our way inside keeping Angela close to me at all times because that feeling was getting worse. I couldn't understand it but it wasn't a bad feeling just weird. As we made our way around we saw different stands looking through them we bought a few things we liked that was until we came to one particular stand. The person running it looked normal enough but when she spoke it was like listening to the voice of an angel.
"Well, don't you two look precious I haven't seen a Draconequus family in a long time I bet Discord would just love to meet you both," She said making us giggle at that.
"Thank you, mama, he just so happens to be our favorite character in the show," I said having my daughter nod in agreement.
I was about to ask her something when Angela called for me to look at something on the ladies stand. Looking at what it was my eyes grew in shock there on a tray were the six keys of friendship.
Seeing what I was looking at the lady smiled.
"You're in luck these happen to be the only ones ever made and since I like the way you two look I give you a deal on them," She said smiling.
I was about to decline when Angela tugged on my side looking down at her she had a pleading face begging me to get them.
"Oh, alright how much do you want?" I asked turning from my daughter to look at the lady again.
"How about twenty for all of them and I'll even through in two gold chain necklaces so the two of you can have three keys each," She said pulling out two long gold chains and began attaching the keys to them.
I handed her a twenty and she placed the necklaces around our necks for us. " There you go," She said stepping back to look at us smiling. "Oh, one more thing, Beth you and Angela enjoy your trip,"
Hearing that I looked at her confused before there was a thud I looked to see my baby girl had fallen to the floor unconscious I was about to scream when I felt light headed I saw a flash of white and then everything went black.
Back to the present
I felt myself laying on my back with the warmth of the sun and a lite breeze on my face. Then the memory of what happened came back opening my eyes I cursed my stupidity because of the brightness. Laying a hand over my face I felt something off it wasn't a hand but a paw and it felt real. Pulling it away I looked at what was essentially a lions paw out of the corner of my eye I could see hair it was three different colors white pink and purple reaching for it I pulled only to yelp in pain.
"Why would it hurt it was just a wig then I thought back the lady the keys and what she said how did she know our names and what happened to us?" I thought to myself only to remember Angela my baby girl where is she. getting up I noticed that I was a lot thinner and taller. These things had to wait I had to find Angela. I took a step only to fall forward bracing myself for the impact only to not feel anything looking I saw myself floating in the air.
What the, how is this possible?" I asked myself only to hear giggling behind me.
Turning around I looked for who it was only to see floating behind me was my daughter in her costume but it wasn't a costume anymore it was really her, she was a baby Draconequus. I wanted to panic but I knew it wouldn't do any good so looking around I saw a small pond grabbing hold of my daughter's hand, ah, paw whatever. I wanted to get over there to see what has happened to me if I looked like my costume too. I stood up straight and tried walking again but this time I wasn't moving. Looking down I saw my feet paws whatever were just moving in place like I was on ice.
"Oh come on I want to go over there," I said out loud pointing to the pond with my free paw only to be standing there in a flash.
I blinked a few times and shook my head before I leaned over the surface of the water to see my reflection only to roll my eyes at what I saw. I was no longer a woman in a draconequus costume but a real live one. As I look from, my daughter to my image I began to smile I have to admit my daughter looked really cute and I looked good.
"How did this happen it can't be real there's no way unless those stories on the site are true?" I was thinking to myself as I landed on the ground still looking at my reflection.
"Mommy whats wrong?" My daughter asked me getting my attention.
I turned to look at her as she too was standing on the ground now. "Sweetie do you know what happened to us?" I asked her only to see her smiling at me.
" We're in our favorite show look," She said pointing to the otherside of the pond.
I turned to look and that's when I almost said a few choice words. There on the otherside of the pond stood six very familiar ponies three fillies and a baby dragon all staring back at us. We stood there looking at them for what felt like hours before I reached over and picked my daughter up in my paws turning around and flying off in the opposite direction as fast as I could.
"Mommy why are we leaving can't we go say hi?" Angela asked as I kept flying away.
"Not now baby, mommy needs to think first okay?" I said looking down at her putting on a fake smile.
I kept flying until we came to a small wooded area slowing down I decided to stop here to catch my breath and I think. I mean come on things like this aren't supposed to happen they're just stories on a website right? But here we are in a tv show and not only that we're our OC's.
"Ok now sweet heart you need to listen to mommy very carefully," I said placing my daughter on the ground.
Looking up at me she only smiled nodding her head fast. Which sounded like an old cow bell for some reason.
Shaking that off as something to do with chaos magic I look back down at her. "Now if this is real and I have a feeling it is. Then we can't use our real names anymore and we'll have to use our characters names from now on, so do you remember yours?" I asked her.
"Yes mommy, it's Eris Sprite of Mischief," She said smiling.
"That's good and if anyone or pony asks you, my name is Harmonia Lady of Balance understand?" I asked her only to have her shake her head, yes making that same sound.
I picked her up giving her a kiss and hug only to be startled by the voice of Pinkie Pie yelling to the others that she found us. Still holding my daughter I turned around to see the same ponies we saw earlier still with the same confused expressions. I raised my paw up to wave and say hi but before that Rainbow dash charged at me.
"I don't know how you got free Discord but we'll stop you before you do anything else," She yelled as she flew at us.
Scared for my daughter's safety I held her close to me hearing the sound of fingers snapping I looked to see my tail in front of me and as for Rainbow Dash, she was being held in place by roots that were coming from the ground wrapping around her.
"Hey let go of me you stupid roots," She said as she tried to get free.
I looked past her to see the others looking shocked at first then angry thinking that it would be better to stop this before someone pony got hurt. I set my daughter down and raised my paws in the air.
"I'm sorry about that I didn't want my daughter to get hurt is all," I said making them look at me confused.
"Wait why does discord sound like a mare?" Applejack said tilting her head.
"That's simple silly filly because that's not Discord her name is Harmonia and that's her daughter Eris and they come from an alternate world where they were tricked in come here by a strange mare who sold them six keys that now have changed to look like all of our cutie marks on chains around their necks," Pinkie said smiling after what she said.
"Wait how in Equestria would you know that Pinkie?" Twilight said looking at her friend.
"Oh just a hunch," Pinkie said stuffing what looked like a stack of papers with the words I Pinkie Promise We're Not Bad Guys on the front page back into her mane.
I started giggling at what Pinkie just said making them all look at me. "Actually what she said is all true my daughter and I did come from another world and I promise you that we mean you no harm, in fact, we can make sure you know we mean it," I said looking down at my daughter nodding.
"Cross my heart and hope to fly stick a cupcake in my eye," We both said and did the movements of a Pinkie Promise making Pinkie smiling even bigger.
After that, they calmed down and I released Rainbow Dash from the roots apologizing again to her. The six mares and the young dragon came over to talk with me while the three fillies started to talk to Eris. They asked the typical questions, where we came from, are we real but there was one question that made everything stop.
"So is Discord you dad?" Scootaloo asked making Eris lower her head and start crying.
Hearing this the others felt bad as I moved over and picked her up comforting her. "Shhhh it's okay baby I know it still hurts let it out that's it," I said as I held her close to me until she fell asleep. "I sorry for that but my husband died not too long ago and it still a little hard for her."
"I sorry I didn't know I just thought,' Scootaloo said lower her head.
"It's alright it's just she was her daddies little girl is all and trust me when she wakes up she won't be mad at all," I said as I reached out and pulled Scootaloo into a hug comforting the filly.
Fluttershy came over and nuzzled Eris while she slept. "Oh, you poor thing don't worry we're all here to help you,"
Not wanting to be gloomy any more Pinkie yelled out that they needed to throw us a welcome party to cheer us up. Everyone agreed and Twilight said she'd send a letter to the Princesses about us upon hearing that Eris popped her head up and look at Twilight.
"Did you just say that we get to meet the Princesses?" She asked to have Twilight nod making Eris squee.
Deciding to head to Ponyville Eris ran ahead of the group with the three fillies by her side laughing the whole way. While the rest of us made our way there at a leisurely pace. As we walked I explained what Eris and I were.
" You see there are different types of chaos magic. Take Eris hers is mischief which is like trying to go throw a locked door or stepping in a pile of poop it's harmless and that is her chaos power. Now my chaos magic is different because it's not chaotic in the sense you would call it but cosmic it's what you would call Karma," I said making them all look a little confused.
"You mean if somepony did something bad they would get punished for it later?" Spike asked looking up to me.
"Yes, exactly but in my case, it wouldn't be later but instant retribution. I said smiling down at him making him blush.
"What do you mean by instant sugarcube?" Applejack asked tilting her head.
"Well let's see," I said concentrating. " Ok I got it," I said snapping my paw as a screen appeared in front of us show a street in Manehatten. "Now watch as that Mare will lose her bag of bits and that young colt sees it on the ground," I said as they watched the screen. Now he has a choice to either take it or return it. Now if he chose to take it I would place a police officer just around the corner to arrest him. But I he chooses to return it then Karma would smile on him. Let's watch and see what happens," I said as I made a bag of popcorn appear in my paw.
As we watch the Mare did drop her bag of bits and the young colt saw it and picked it up. We could see the expression on his face as he was debating on what to do. We watched as he started to turn and walk away but stopped and ran after the mare calling to her. Seeing the mare stop and turn around to face the colt the girls seen as the mare thanked him and gave him five bits for being honest before I snapped my paw and made the screen disappear.
"Wow did that really happen or was it just a show," Twilight asked looking a little skeptical.
"That really just happened, what you just saw was what I can do. You see my magic is like a scale that where harmony and chaos are placed and as of now that scale is off," I said knowing full well that they won't like what I 'm about to say. "So to return the balance to this world Discord has to be set free,"
What!!! They all yelled.
"Well this could have gone better," I thought to myself as I smiled looking at six shocked and angry mares.
One word: editor.
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I second the notion. And perhaps offer my services?
hello the other 15 people here
Arglefargle! The run-on sentences hurt my heart.
Ok, look, I like this story idea, you've done an excellent job setting forth your plot and ideas, but great googly-moogly, the run-on sentences are just killing it for me.
I hope you get someone to edit and proofread, because I feel that this story has a lot of potential, and I don't wish to see it die off. Best of luck to you friend.
Are*
and looked down at her, admiring the work
not only her costume, but also my own.*
See, we decided to go to Everfree Northwest. Mainly so we could meet the people responsible for the creation of our favorite show My Little Pony Friendship is Magic.
Yep, I'm a Pegasister and I've been one for almost seven years. I had started watching it when my daughter was around four years old.
We are even members of FIMFiction, and we just love all the fanfics people write about Discord. Well... the teen and everyone rated stories. The mature ones I read alone.
Sorry, I'm getting off track. As I was saying, we were here to have fun and meet other Bronies. And maybe even get an autograph from John de Lancie!
After making sure we had everything we needed, and that our costumes were perfect, we headed out of the hotel to get to the convention before it started.
As we waited in line I had this funny feeling like we were being watched, at first, I brushed it off as having some people complimenting us on our costumes. After a while, we were able to head inside, the whole time I was keeping Angela close to me almost instinctively, probably due to that feeling was getting worse. I couldn't understand it, but it didn't feel like a bad feeling, just weird.
As we made our way around we saw different stands, and as we were looking through them we ended up buying a few things we liked. That was until we came to one particular stand, the person running it looked normal enough, but when she spoke it was like listening to the voice of an angel.
"Well, don't you two look precious! I haven't seen a Draconequus family in a long time. I bet Discord would just love to meet you both," She exclaimed, earning a giggle from us.
"Thank you, he just so happens to be our favorite character in the show." I thanked, having my daughter nod in agreement.
I was about to ask her something when Angela called for me to look at something on the ladies stand, looking at what it was made my eyes grow in shock. There, on a tray were the six keys of friendship!
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Alright, I'll get some more editing done... soonish.
Hopefully, you'll listen to our advice.
And with that any and all interest I had in this story is gone.
I'd like to add my voice to the chorus of 'Editor' but take it one step further and suggest a Beta.
8398335
Things like what this guy highlighted being why. His comment is sitting at a 1:1 Like/Dislike ratio cus he was kind of a prickly dick about it but he was right. the portion he highlighted is bad. It's the 'lol pinkie so random 4th-wall-break woo' that everyone cliche'd needs to shove in, except without any form of the subtlety needed to make the joke work.
I applaud any writer with the bravery to show off their work to a larger crowd. But I am saddened by the falling standards of the community that such as this (a first try, no cleaning SI) hits the same featured box once graced by the likes of The Chase, Fallout Equestria, The Keepers of Discord, and The Moonstone Cup.
For anyone seeking a good Creative Writing forum to cut your teeth on as both a Reader and a writer, i highly recommend the Spacebattles Creative Writing section, and its sister site SufficientVelocity. they helped me grow standards, and are well known for being fair critics to new writers.
i like the idea.. but i got to paragraph 2... could use a once over with an editor.
Loving the concept but your grammar needs a lot of work.
The whole "Pinkie the plot device that explains and know everything" thing can sometimes be annoying. Would've been much better if the characters explained at their own pace instead of jamming it all in one extremely long sentence.
This cured my pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. Assuming I had it to begin with. Which I didn't!
Good story. The concept fills my heart with mirth and merriment!
Okay - to the "editors" in the comment section:
If you really want to make a difference, ask the author, then PM them the corrections. Better yet, ask them what format is best for them. Don't clog up the comments with stuff no casual reader wants to look at.
Aside from that, I really think this story has potential, and therefore, I offer my services as an editor. As well as grammar, I try to also improve things like flow and word choice.
I don't require perfect grammar to be able to enjoy a story, though, so regardless of whether you accept or not, I still will like and read this story. But I know it is a pet peeve of some people, and I tend to be (overly) thorough with that kind of thing when I put my mind to it.
I'll agree with the general populace. Maybe a quick proofread or two and spread things out a little more. I know it's a stylistic choice, but personally I'd have split this chapter into two or even three longer chapters to better pace it and flesh out the characters.
I like the potential though.
I mean, I know you meant well, but this is really hard to read. This really needs someone to look over it and give you some grammar/form advice.
Seems good so far, but...
trying to contain...
inner grammar nazi....
You need editor.
One of the images in this chapter is not showing right or is taking too long to upload.
Aaaah!
I wanted so much to like this story. It seemed so promising with good artwork and an intriguing concept. Some typos and minor errors like that, I could overlook. But the writing is just. . . so. . . so. . . uh, what's the word I'm looking for here? I'm trying to put this politely. . . Green. It's greenhorn writing. My impression is that the author must be a raw beginner. Well, we've all been there sometime. . .
She has the script... that explains a lot.
Oh, wow. This story needs some serious work. As it is, it's barely readable.
Also, not all corrections are necessary, correct, or necessarily correct. I just know that I tried my darnedest to review, critique, and correct, and that's all that matters. I need a drink.
Memories of what? Did this happen before the Con? Why would a breeze or birds chirping make someone feel uneasy, unless they hadn't left the windows open, or were in an area with few birds? This doesn't make any seeeense!
Okay, so now we're officially in a flashback. Kind-of links back to what I was asking earlier: where was the hotel room? Was it in the real world, or in Equestria?
You have this weird thing against commas, don't you? If I were being more obsessive, I'd correct "we" to "we've", but I believe Angela is canonically eleven-ish in the story, so "we got" is fine.
The comma after "sweetie" doesn't necessarily need to be a comma; you could use a hyphen, a semicolon, a full-stop, or even an exclamation mark, since "Hold on!" is typically used as an exclamation, similarly to "Wait!", "Stop!", or "Alright!". All of those aren't full sentences in their own right, so they're more like dependent clauses that get slapped onto the start of a sentence. Whether you choose to capitalize the next letter after that ("Wait! you're going the wrong way!") is, I think, more of a stylistic choice. It's not common anymore to leave the next letter after an exclamation uncapitalized, but you see it all the time in classic literature.
You also seem to accidentally put double-spaces between words in sentences. I double-space out of habit, between sentences, but that's because I learned to type on a typewriter. Are you typing on a glitchy keyboard, or maybe a smart phone with a funky touchscreen?
Originally, I was going to respond to this sentence along with the rest of the paragraph, but I got #triggered. Run-on sentences make me really mad, but the way it's phrased makes it hard to just slap a full-stop in the middle. It should read more like this: "I walked over to my little girl, and looked down at her. I admired the work I put into our costumes."
That bit with 'not just her, but also my costume' is what throws the sentence off, I think. You're trying to sound sophisticated, but it ends up just sounding silly and awkward.
Meta stories are usually frowned upon. This isn't a story explicitly about the site or its users, or the fandom and its fans, which is probably why it passed moderation. Even so, hearing FiMFiction get mentioned, explicitly, in a story hosted on FiMFiction... It just kinda rustles my jimmies, so to say.
You make it sound like John de Lancie just hangs out at conventions, and hands out autographs to super-fans all day. I'm not saying he doesn't - I don't know enough about John de Lancie to say he doesn't do that - but I know celebrities aren't known for being approachable. Hence the light-blue "even". There's nothing strictly wrong with the sentence (besides what's colored in red); I just felt like making a suggestion.
You should split the paragraph where you were in the hotel room, preparing and anticipating what was going to happen at the Con, from the paragraph where you were at the Con, shopping.
Also, what was that phrase in yellow supposed to mean? That you thought the weird feeling was being caused by people complimenting your costumes? If that's what you meant, I wonder why it's not what you said. Was the period at the end of that sentence supposed to be a comma? That'd make some sense; you felt the strange feeling, but brushed it off as just nervousness, and you made your way into the Con.
"At that" is redundant. What else would you two be giggling at? I also can't remember whether you had a comma at the end of her speech, followed by a capitalized "she", or whether you had a full-stop at the end, followed by an uncapitalized "she". It was one or the other, but wrong either way.
It wasn't clear who was speaking, and to whom; at first, I thought it was Angela saying thank you, then commenting to you about how Discord is both your and her favorite character. That'd be redundant, since both you and Angela already know, but if she was saying that for the benefit of the stall lady, that'd at least make some sense. Then I found out you said it, and that you were either calling Angela or the vendor 'mama'. That'd be weird, so I just took a shot in the dark, and changed it to something I thought sounded more correct. If it was supposed to be Angela talking, have her explicitly address either you or the vendor, and make sure the response makes some sense.
1: Replicas. I own a GunPla for the RX-0 Gundam Unicorn; does that mean I have a shrunken-down mobile suit sitting on my desk? Why would an adult be shocked by replicas of important items appearing at the Con for the show the items came from?
2: Embedding images into your story is just a cheap and easy way to avoid having to describe something using words. Most of the time, anyway. If you're a really good artist, you can plop in illustrations of scenes that just happened, or images of things that'd take too long or be too boring to explain using words. I don't think this is the case here, though.
Nothing to say here.
I might not be good at describing scenery or events, but I'd like to think I'm decent at writing dialogue. You can tell a lot about a character just from what words they use, and how they interact with others. Since there was really nothing to critique here, I thought I'd embellish a little, and turn the bland vendor into someone a little less bland.
More run-on sentences and a lack of comma usage. Nothing new or exciting going on here.
It isn't hard to embellish on mundane things like this. On the other hoof, I also understand how one might miss these opportunities when they're more focused on the overall direction of the story. I'm guilty of this too; the best way to fix these little problems is to either ask someone for help, or to re-read what you wrote at a later time.
This could've been longer. This is an important plot point, I assume. Even writing a little back-and-forth between you and the vendor would help solidify this moment in the readers' minds. Instead, the protagonist just gets the macguffins, and all for the low, low price of $19.99.
I take back what I said earlier. I'm crap at characterization through dialogue, too. But still, I hope this illustrates the point I was trying to make; reading "he said 'X', she giggled and said 'y'" is boring. Even with proper grammar, it's still boring. No worries, though. You'll pick up how to make interactions more interesting as you keep writing. You'll never hit the peak of the mountain, but be careful that you don't plateau.
Also,
Get it? Because the vendor... works at a stand. It's an enemy stand...
Well, you managed to use this trope in the most cliche way possible. Congramilations. You even included a mild cliffhanger.
Really, though, you haven't shown an aversion to literary cheese up until now, so it's not bad. It just could've been done better, I think. Don't ask me how: I've got all the creative abilities of a Hollywood board of executives.
We've got to go back... to the future!
I don't know if 'essentially' is essentially essential in this sentence. And what a sentence it was! That thing was like if Usain Bolt and the Energizer Bunny had a baby; it just kept running, and running, and running!
Okay, I'm done being a smart-ass. You really need to learn what a run-on sentence is, and how to not write them. A breeze isn't 'lite' unless it has fewer calories and less fat than normal breezes do: use 'light'. Though, to be fair, I did have to consult DuckDuckGo, just to make sure I wasn't uninformed. Why was the brightness causing your stupidity? Did it hurt your eyes? Did you not sleep well on your makeshift, dirt futon? Were you sleeping on an inappropriate stick? That phrase doesn't clarify anything.
1) Putting a character's italicized thoughts inside quotation marks is redundant. Pick one or the other, but if you choose to only use quotation marks, be sure to explicitly state that the character is thinking.
2) If you're using italics or quotation marks to show us your character's thoughts, make sure it's only their thoughts that are being italicized or put in quotations. Telling us that Beth remembers things isn't a part of Beth's thought process, unless she's relaying this later to another character: and then I remembered that I forgot to take the trash out. That isn't what's happening now, so all we should see in italics or between quotation marks is Beth's active thoughts.
I'm sorry. I couldn't stand it anymore. Please forgive me, but I needed to take that jumbled mess and do something with it. I don't know if it's good, but it's at least better. And it's fine. You don't learn if you'll never admit you don't already know everything. Eloquence isn't easy to pick up for everybody, but I know deep down that everybody can learn it. It's just a matter of tenacity, observation, and practice.
One of the lessons I learned pretty recently is patience. Authors need to let a story unfold at its own pace. You can't rush character development, otherwise it feels forced.
So why, then, is Angela suddenly a friggin' wizard?
files.gamebanana.com/img/ico/sprays/5353768b710c1.png
Okay, whatever. I guess Beth got put down - you never said she did, but it must've happened off-screen. That's kind-of a crucial detail to overlook.
Why did Beth grab hold of Angela's hand, paw, or whatever? That clause didn't link to anything, and it made no sense on its own.
Why wasn't Beth walking on ice? You just said it was like she was walking on ice; that implies that it wasn't actually ice, but something kind-of like ice.
"
You've also got a problem with these awkward, dangling, dependent clauses. "I said out loud, pointing to the pond with my free paw" is fine. "I said out loud, only to be standing there in a flash" is also fine. "I said out loud, pointing to the pond with my free paw, only to be standing there in a flash" is not fine, because you're dangling another dependent clause (only to be...in a flash) off of another dependent clause (pointing to the...free paw). You can make these work together; the easiest solution I can think of, besides splitting them up, is to use different tenses for the verbs in the dependent clauses. "I said out loud, pointing to the pond with my free paw, only to be warped there in a flash". It's still awkward, but it's less awkward than before.
1) Is 'eye roll' the first reaction Beth would have to confirmation that she was, in fact, a Draconequus? No panic, no shock, no disbelief? Just 'Oh boy, this again?'.
2) Then she turns around and says "Yeah, I'm okay with this. My kid's cuter, and I'm not rough on the eyes, either."
So Beth was still floating, even though earlier you said she was trying to walk again.
Also, why do all your characters speak in run-on sentences, with little to no punctuation or rhythm? Did they learn to speak English from dubs of Speed Racer?
"My daughter...attention" is redundant. It doesn't add anything.
I'm rapidly starting to lose my patience. I think I've seen all I needed to see, and said all I needed to say. But I want to save closing statements for the end, and there's still at least a few more paragraphs to go, I think.
1) How big is the pond, exactly? You never explicitly stated, and I was under the impression it was more of a puddle in the middle of some forest clearing.
2) Where, exactly, are you? It could've been anywhere in Equestria up until you mentioned Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle: they don't go on adventures, nor do they really spend time together with the rest of the mane 6 and Spike, now that I think about it. They're usually off doing their own things, unless that changed within the last season or two. So, it's near Ponyville, probably.
3) Now I'm more interested in pinpointing your location, rather than the inevitable conflict that results from the mane 6 & co. encountering two unfamiliar draconequuses.
You keep doing this thing, where you use present-tense verbs, when you should be using past-tense. "Said" is past-tense. "Looking" and "putting" are both present-tense. "I said, as I looked down at her, and flashed her my biggest, most perfect (and fakest) smile." That still doesn't solve the problem I brought up earlier, about dangling... whatevers. I can't even remember what I said earlier.
Okay, I have to stop. For the sake of my own sanity, I have to call it quits.
I reckon I spent more time reading and dissecting half of one chapter than you spent writing both chapters. I'd like to think you just weren't trying; the alternative is that you're as incompetent as I'd feared, which isn't something I want to presume right off the bat.
First off, I won't suggest getting an editor just yet. If you can find an editor that can make it through an entire chapter of this schlock, then they've either got more patience than I do, or they're not a particularly good editor. You like spending time on FiMFiction (don't let my response discourage you from pursuing your interests or from enjoying your hobbies), right? Read more stories. You'll absorb grammar, good writing etiquette, do's and do-not's, and all the rest of the fundamentals without ever needing to put pen to paper.
Once you become competent at writing, then seek out an editor. They'll be able to do a better job of bringing your story to life if they don't have to wade through run-on sentences, poor spelling (which you don't have), etcetera. Or, if you're feeling up to it, proofread your own stories.
But please; don't just fart words onto paper, and post it to the internet. Fan-fiction already has a bad enough name for itself. There are already enough people who refuse to listen to critics or improve themselves, yet still believe their putrid piles of word salad are the bestest things to ever grace the interwebz.
I'd like to believe that my work heretofore redeems my rather salty finish, but I also fully expect this post to either get thumbed down into oblivion, or removed because I'm not walking on eggshells. If that's the case, fine. You'd only be proving my point.
(To clarify, I don't hate this fic, or the author. I want to see them both improve, in quality and skill respectively. Why else would I waste four hours typing half a novel, reviewing half a chapter?)
i have never heard this term before
please..... enlighten me
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Are you serious......
I was expecting more along the lines of "so you have a baby and the only other draqonequus is disco-" "stop that thought right there he is not my husband."
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literally what some females call themselves if they're bronies
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(Only through Ch.1 so far, so if any of the following no longer applies for Ch.2 then please ignore it.)
Heck, I think you did a pretty great job with all of that. And here I was prepared to do all of that myself, though perhaps not quite as drawn out. Still, you hit the nail on the head. I share your sentiment: I very much like this concept, and I would thoroughly enjoy seeing this story get some proper TLC. So, dear author: From one FiMFiction writer to another: Take this fine fellow's words to heart. Use this constructive criticism to improve your writing. As I said, I'm loving this idea, but don't try to rush everything. I know how it can be, having this idea that you simply love and want to share with everyone. Just go check out my stuff if you don't believe me. Writing is SUPER fun. Just as much fun as reading is, if not more so. And while you are under no obligation to write well, it makes the experience that much more enjoyable.
You see, there's two different kinds of authors: the self serving, and the 'community contributors' for lack of a better phrase. The self serving write stories for themselves, with zero regard for anything or anyone else's opinion. That's fine. There's nothing wrong with writing a story for your own enjoyment, so long as you're proud of it. It just may not be received very well. If that's fine by you, more power to ya.
The 'community contributor' authors are a completely different matter. They write stories for other people to read and fall in love with. This is a much more difficult way to go about fanfiction, but a much more rewarding one in my opinion. I've done both you see. One of my stories, I said 'Screw it, I'm gonna write what I want to, how I want to, and everyone else be damned'. I had a ton of fun, as it's just a ton of random goofing off. Not many other people seemed to like it much, but I was okay with that. It was something for me. Most of my other stories were for other people to read and enjoy though. Let me tell you, there's nothing more rewarding than having some stranger on the internet tell you how much they absolutely love your story. Bit of sarcasm there, but it rings true. Going through all the comments that say 'Love this, keep it up!' or things along those lines... it's my favorite part of writing. And you certainly have a fair bit of that in the comments of this story. Heck, this got featured! (Congrats by the way) But don't let that blind you. You got featured, and that was simply down to the concept alone because my goodness please give your comma key more of a workout if nothing else. I suppose what I mean is: If this story can get featured, despite the honestly poor grammar and extremely rushed everything, just imagine how well it would do if you took the time to write it well. I'm not saying... well actually I'm not going to sugar coat it. The actual writing itself was pretty bad, but that's not a bad thing. Nobody is going to be Shakespere on there first go of it. It takes time and practice. I'll be the first to tell you my very first story was pretty terrible. But every single chapter I improved, because I KNEW it was terrible.
Tl;Dr: What Casual Scrub said was pretty much spot on. Don't get discouraged though. Take his advice, take your time, and please use punctuation. Keep trucking, because I'm excited to see where this goes.
I never liked the whole "Harmony and Chaos are opposite" thing
Still interested in what's gonna happen next tho
Editor? https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide .
Seems like an interesting premise, and you've got a good start (even with a localized plague of run-on sentences). Don't be discouraged by the storm of people suggesting an editor and keep writing. You'll only improve with practice and trying to incorporate the corrections pointed out.
While we haven't seen enough yet to really get a feel for them, Beth and Angela seem like they may become rather interesting characters. The Diarchs are going to have a fit learning that there are two more draconequus.
While okay, you need an editor, and ti work on the flow if the story. Some of it just feels like the grammar is just off, and parts seem ti run on in other parts. Also Pinkie just coming out and solving things felt like a crappy deus ex machina to have them all say "okay we're all friends now".
Looking forward to where this goes.
Do you have permission from Lopoddity to use her art for this?? Lopoddity's deviantart
I'm intrigued by the premise, but the execution needs a lot of work before it can be considered "good". Don't let that like to dislike bar fool you, you're mostly getting likes for the novelty of the story. You already know you need an editor, so I won't really talk about that.
My advice is as follows:
1) Slow the heck down. Things are moving way too fast. There isn't much detail put in the events, characters, or the locations either. Slow down, write to the five senses, flesh out your scenes with emotions, and keep the flow logical. When I come to a story, I want read words, not click links or look at pictures. Do not rely on pictures to build a scene for you. Describe those scenes.
2) Try to avoid the tired character cliches. Rainbow Dash is a hot head, but I highly doubt she'd attack someone who was with a child. And If Pinkie will be breaking the 4th wall regularly, make it either entertaining or plot relevant. Twilight sending a letter to the Princesses is overdone as hell. Twilight, under most circumstances, would rather let the apocalypse happen than constantly write Celestia about possible problems.
3) Logic. Use it. There is not even 3000 words of story here and your character already has a fair mastery of her powers. And even seems to know the full extent of that power. When did she learn to do any of what she just did? When did she explore any of these mechanics? So she just knows that the balance is off and then demands that they have to release Discord? Chp.2 starts off absolutely ridiculously. When have Luna or Celestia ever assumed someone was vile or evil just because of their race? She got away with demanding something from and growling at Luna. Celestia thinks that The Golden Rule is the wisest thing she's ever heard. And the final, biggest nail in the coffin is that no one seems to even ask why Discord is relevant when she repeatedly says that the world is in danger and out of balance.
I lied... the biggest nail in the coffin is that you are already trying to setup Void Dweller shenanigans when nothing in your story is even established.
Stop while you're ahead. Go back to the drawing board and carefully plan. Think about what you are writing. Please. I want to like this story, but I cannot in its current state.
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Honestly, he's correct. I really do enjoy the premise, I really do. There are a... number of typoes here and there, a couple of indentations that need work, and you could've actually had about four-five chapters out of this piece alone. (Maybe two/three at least.)
Its been said in a few comments already but I'll say it too: interesting scenario, get an editor.
Good luck and keep it going!
Wow, second line and already...
This looks like it may be one of those elusive "good stories with bad English"
If you want a proofreader, I may be up for it. Lemme read through a bit more before I decide...
Ok... So...
As people have said, this is a good scenario with good ideas, but some very poor execution, which is really weird because that barely ever happens. This would need some serious rewriting to make it "readable". If you're interested in doing that, PM me, and we'll talk about you sharing the Google Doc with me so I can go through and give you advice on it...
This is a disgusting misuse of Pinkie's character. I suggest just removing it and letting the OCs explain themselves.
There is no hint about why the character says or knows this. There does not seem to be any learning curve with the magic and it is just used because why not. This I feel could be fixed with more a lot more exposition, slow everything down, add more events and plot points.
While there are a lot of grammar and spelling errors, I feel that is a secondary and easy issue to fix compared to pacing and adding more relevant plot points. The story needs to have logical flow even if it is about creatures that are not supposed to make sense.
The original images linked in the chapter can be found here and here.
The idea/premise is decent, but I must say, the actual writing so far is pretty bad. There isn't any good structuring to your sentences and paragraphs. There's a number of errs, including improper grammar, punctuation, and incorrect word choice, along with capitalization in a few places. Of course, there are some points in which you fail to keep the tense correct (you use past and present tense interchangeably) but a lot of people do that and most people don't really care about things like that. I'll point out a few flaws.
Remove space between quotation mark and first word of what is in the quote.
Replace the comma after "go" with an exclamation point because she's supposed to be crying it, and saying it like is implied by the comma does not imply a cry. Also, change "Was" to "was"
Use a comma after "daughter"
Use a comma after "sweetie"
Replace "or" with "are"
Use a comma after "said"
Again, remove the space between the quotation marks and the first word of the sentence which is in the quote.
The character who is speaking is not the daughter, and she is speaking to a vendor. I believe you meant to write "ma'am," instead.
Originally, the err was just going to be the italicized sentence, but as I looked over this I realized the paragraphs were full of errs, and the single line also had one. Because I can't point out every individual err, I'm just going to put a rewrite of it that also underlines the various changed parts.
Now, I'm going to suggest some changes to your description.
.
Everything before that quote has actually been written hours before this. I was doing a bunch of other stuff. So now, I will also go over that quote.
It took me a bit to realize you meant "go through a locked door" rather than "throw a locked door" because throwing a locked door is rather harmless because you can't throw it.
Sugarcube is a sign/term of affection. Applejack just met Harmonia, and she's not exactly going to be all that trustful of or affectionate to a draconequus when the only other one she knows if is locked in stone due to his madness and extreme power, and how Ponies in Ponyville do seem to be xenophobic (they dislike and/or are fearful of people of other species, like a Zebra).
Harmonia being of balance does not make since as she's karma, not balance. Karma and Balance are two very different ideas. Karma is the idea of a force called Karma causing bad things to happen to people who do bad things, like a thief tripping, falling, and breaking their arm/leg, and good things happen to those who do good deeds, like a person who gives to charity winning the lottery. Balance is the idea that things must be equal. While similar, Balance is light and dark, good and evil, funny and serious, sad and happy. Karma is specifically that people who do things will be punished or rewarded, while Balance is that it's better for there to be both good times and bad times, good feelings and bad feelings. Karma is you do bad things, you get bad things. Balance is that, if you get something bad, you get something good. Karma is punishment or reward, Balance is not. Thus Harmonia being a creature of balance when she power is based on Karmic Retribution does not make sense, as balance would be something like if good is too powerful then evil will gain strength, if evil is too powerful then good will gain strength, or if someone is lucky they will be unlucky.
As you've been told many times, you horribly misused Pinkie Pie and made her OoC. Sure, Pinkie is a fourth wall breaker and able to bend reality to her whims, but she isn't all powerful, she isn't all knowing, she can't guess the exact details of two people and that they have two specific names, and were tricked into getting keys and being moved to a different universe, and she certainly doesn't have access to the script/story. When you take one trait and massively emphasize it to the point where it's completely taken over their character, it's called flanderization. It's like taking Rainbow Dash and using pretty much just her ego or her desire for speed, or taking Applejack and just using the fact that she's an Apple Farmer or that she's a bit more practical than Rarity. It's like taking Celestia and just emphasizing the extremely serious princess without the playful and mischievous side, or using just the mischievous side without the serious side. It's like showing Saitama(One Punch Man) only as the person who can instantly defeat pretty much anything in existence, and not showing that he wants to find someone who can pose a challenge or that he's bored of being able to defeat everything. There's more nuance than just the unique super-trait. Pinkie isn't just a fourth-wall breaking reality warper, nor is she just the one obsessed with parties, she's a kind caring individual that can't actually grab stuff from the other side of the fourth wall but still sometimes talk through it.
The idea is a very good one, but it feels kinda of rushed.
You may want to slow down a little so that the story can develop more naturally.
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My thoughts exactly. This sort of thing has never been okay and is always called out when it's used with Pinkie, so I'm amazed writers still do it.
Eeeeeeeeeeh. It’s alright.
I like this story I really really do but I must say I agree with the majority of the other comments.
You have a really good premise for this story but you really need an editor and some beta readers to help make this story readable.