Chapter 2 Maintaining Balance
To return the balance to this world Discord has to be set free.
What!!!
Yep, that's what pretty much happened on our first day here although my daughter did make friends with the CMC she even became a member. But now we're in Canterlot as guest quote unquote of the two princesses. I say it like that because Twilight sent a letter to Celestia telling her about us and what I said. That's when we found ourselves in the throne room being stared down by two very ticked off looking alicorns. Looking over to the girls I could see that Rainbow Dash and Applejack had the same expression as the sisters although Fluttershy and Rarity looked concerned. As for Pinkie she was just smiling I think she knew things were going to turn out fine but twilight was looking a little confused and scared at what was happening. Eris was being herself well her draconequus self she was floating around the large room looking at everything with the awe and wonder of an eleven-year-old child. I on the other hoof was patiently standing there with my lion paws crossed over my chest waiting until the sisters decided to speak.
"Look I can see that you're upset about what I said but it's the truth the balance of this world is off and the only way for it to be fixed is if Discord is released," I said as I uncrossed my paws.
"How dare you speak to us and demand that we release that monster," Luna said stepping forward. " You and that small one are the same vile creatures like him,"
Hearing that Celestia looked shocked and was about to say something. But then sniffles could be heard behind us turning around I saw my daughter with tears in her eyes. Fluttershy and Pinkie both moved over to her to comfort her. I turned back around to look at the Night Princess with anger in my eyes.
"Apologize now," I growled looking at Luna who stood there with a shocked expression on her face."My daughter always said you were her favorite pony but now I think you lost that title,"
Before anything else could be said Celestia walked to her sister's side placing a wing over her Celestia smiled down at her now saddened younger sibling.
"Sister, I know you are upset but please for the little one," Celestia said pulling Luna in tighter.
Lowering her head Luna sighed before looking at my daughter. "I am sorry little one I did not mean to hurt you please forgive me,"
Eris pulled her head away from Fluttershy's chest to look at Luna. " Thank you, Princess Luna but it still hurt and don't worry you're still my favorite pony," Eris said between sniffles.
Hearing this Luna perked up smiling she walked down the stairs to stand before my daughter reaching out and pulling her into a hug nuzzling her cheek. "Thank you, little one thank you," She said as a few tears fell from her eyes.
Looked around to see even Rainbow Dash and Applejacks stern looks disappear. Twilight walked over to Celestia when she to descended the stairs to stand before me and see her sister sitting there holding a young filly as they talked and laughed.
"I am also sorry for everything that has happened," Celestia said gaining my attention. "But you must understand what you ask is problematic and dangerous?"
"Yes Princess I know but the fate of Equestria, no the whole world is in danger for you see without his presence a great evil will befall this world and even my powers won't be able to stop it," said to her with a saddened tone.
"But what you told us your magic is stronger than Discords why does he have to be freed?" Twilight asked stepping closer to me.
" My magic is more cosmic meaning it's a combination of both Harmony and Chaos there for I can either enhance them or neutralize them," I said regretting what I just said.
"What do you mean by neutralize?" Celestia asked a little unsure.
"If you were to use the Elements of Harmony on my daughter and I when we arrived the only thing that would have happened would have been a light show and nothing more," I said making them both look at me in shock. "The elements can only purify or imprison darkness and evil, Eris is neither of those because her heart is pure and innocent as for me, my heart may not be as pure but I try to follow three pieces of great advice. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, Judge not, that ye be not judged, and the most important whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also." I said resisting the verses that kept me going after the loss of my husband.
Celestia smiled hearing those verses. Those are the wisest of words I have ever had the privilege to hear," She said before lowering her head in sadness. "I just wish more of my ponies would learn to live by those words."
"Well, who knows princess maybe when a few of them get their flanks hoofed to them by karma they'll learn?" I said placing my paw on her shoulder.
"Please call me Celestia," She said smiling once more.
Twilight was about to say something when Luna and the others joined us. "Sister, sister look at what Eris has given us," Luna said levitating a small plushie of each of the ponies and dragon present.
"Oh, they are so cute and I really like the white one," Celestia said.
Grinning Luna tilted her head. "Why would you like Ms. Raritys over your own?" She said only to started laughing.
"Very funny Luna now which ones are mine ?" She said looking at the plushies only for Luna to pull all of them away.
"These ones are mine yours are right here," Luna said levitating over another group of plushies.
"I looked over to Eris who was sitting on Luna's back smiling. " Honey where did you get all of these I asked my daughter pointing at the toys.
"I made them mommy why did I do something bad?" She asked looking a little upset.
"No sweetie, in fact, I'm very proud of you," I said leaning over and hugging her.
Turning back to look at Celestia my expression stern. " I know we have not fully discussed it but I ask you to think it over and I do understand the Discord was only imprisoned only two days ago but I beg you to take some time and thought," I said turning to pick my daughter up. "Now if you'll excuse us we need to go make a home for ourselves in the Chaos Dimension but don't worry we be back in an hour so we can have the party Pinkie want's to throw us," I said making them look saddened but they perked up hearing that we'd be back.
Snapping y paw a door unrolled its self behind me opening it I was going to walk through when Celestia called to me."Harmonia, you said a great evil would come do you know what it's called?"
I turned my head to look at her and with a sigh, I nodded. The evil is a group of omnipresent beings called The Void Displacers they torment the innocent by ripping them from their own worlds and realities into an alternate one for their sheer enjoyment," I said as I turned and entered the door closing it behind me.
Luna's and Celestia's plushie collections.
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Looks promising.
I love it so far. I need moar! Lol. Seriously though, great job.
There are some spelling mistakes and words that are missing or confused with other words, but the story is good and i'd like to see more.
If you need some help editing then message me, ill be more than happy to help.
If you want a crossover, i'm free
Where did you get the cover art. I love that picture of pandora. What is the name of her daughter, and who is dad?
Shoudnt this have a human tag?
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i feel like being a prick so i will thats 3 words
Do you need an editor?
I'm here if you want. :P
PM me if you are interested.
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Y'all go for it! Grammar Nazis, into the fray! Sieg hyphen!
nice loving the story
i wan those plushies now
Since everyone else seems to be pointing out that this story needs improvements in the grammar, I'm going to not focus on that and instead point out that the pacing for this story is a little bit too fast.
You've got too much happening one after the other with not enough description in-between. You need to space out the important bits you want to get too with a little bit of filler dialogue, either from the main character's observations, or from conversations between characters. I feel like you could have used the things you've used up to this point to write four or five chapters, and maybe not have Harmonia automatically know some of the things she knows. Things like what's happened in the show and info about the mane six and other ponies in Ponyville is alright, and doesn't really need to be explained how she knows that since, you know, we all pretty much know about them. But the things about Displaced and Void Dwellers, as well as Discord possibly being the only one to seal off the world from unwanted Displaced from getting in, those need to be explained to readers that aren't familiar with the rules of the Displaced, especially if they're rules explained in one specific Displaced's story and nowhere else. You need to cite the information, at least a little bit. Even if it's just saying "Harmonia remembers something from one of those Displaced stories she read about. *Something-something-Displaced lore* from *Insert Displaced story title*".
I'm sorry if this seems like a lot. But I believe, like everyone else, that this story has potential to be really good if you would take the time to fine-tune and refine it.
Well, a little bit fast I can understand it at least which makes me want to continue onward's!
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The Artist is Lopoddity, here's a link to the picture
This Link answers who the second parent is though this is the artist's backstory behind the art, I don't know who the author chose as the second parent especially considering the fact that i haven't read the story yet
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That pun made me love you just a little bit.
I would like to thank all of you who posted the long boring comments of what is wrong with this story because right now Chibi Deavi is in her room crying saying she'll never write again. So again I would like to thank you for crushing the dreams of an eleven-year-old girl I hope all of you feel so proud. For those of you who like the story, I will try and get her to write some more. Again I say thank you for all the thumbs up and to those of you who think you're so superior with your comments I say BUCK OFF.
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I'm chock full of puns! I do so adore watching the plot advance, and have seen the use of more than a few plot devices and just how sticky they can get. Enough of my deviance and vice, how was your day? Mine has been, if I dare say, admittedly nice.
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Albeit some was harsh, but how are we supposed to know the author was eleven? We are not psychic, nor can we interpret age by reading someone's writing/typing. You sir/ma'am need to make said person understand some people will not like and will probably say mean and rude things about their work. The internet is no place for safe critique, unfortunately. I for one liked it, it just needs some work. I support this story. I'm not sure on the permissions to use all the pictures since I'm not the author, but that's okay. He/she needs to read, research some more basics is all. Spacing, pace, punctuation marks and the like. And don't give me the she's/he's only eleven, they couldn't do all that. There are eleven year olds who can cook better than most adults I know, myself included. Sandwiches are my specialty.
I support this story, however it goes. Keep it up, Chibi.
8398439
That is certainly a risk when publicly sharing one's work, and no amount of white knighting will change it (and possibly make it worse, I might add).
Instead, assuming your statement is true (we have no means to verify it), after the young lady's emotions have run their course, explain that the rating bar is a vastly better indicator of a story's general reception. And quite simply, that bar has a lot more green. I have pointed this truth out a few times in the past when encouraging fellow writers. That is also what one is the moment you share your writing. A fellow writer. You're in the proverbial club because you actually stepped up to make the effort.
Comments only apply to the individual commentator's opinion. If someone chooses to be a turd in word, you don't get a choice in the matter of the comment's creation. The best course of action is be objective of what was written, not take it as a personal attack, and see if they gave any insight into the story itself that you can turn around and use to become a better writer. That is the choice you have with every comment. You can never stop someone else from being a jerk, but you can always control how you react.
The premise of the story is interesting, unexpected, and loaded with potential for engaging nuance if done correctly.
Oh, and if necessary, channel your frustrations into yet another story. Everything can be used, for there are no limits in fiction.
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I'm sure with more writing Chibi Devi will only improve. Practice makes perfect after all.
Well that escalated quickly.
Besides as long as she is having fun writing that is all that should matter.
Also great plushie collection. There is even Spike. I think the princesses are crazy well done too.
Great so the merchants are these Void Displacers. Okay, now I'm going to be extra careful when I go to a convention of any kind. Though I'm sure if I do find one it'll be a very ugly moment. For them!
Great work keep it up
I need to read this based on the description alone.
... I like the concept BUT I have to say that there are a few points that need work.
keep up the good work
For one the pacing is pretty screwed up.
Also you tell to much and show almost nothing. Let your readers discover your world. Not force-fed it to them.
Also there are a bunch of plot holes, for example from where does Harmonia know about the impending threat? And how does she know how to control her powers? And how can she be sure that she actually has the powers she thinks she has?
I like it
Now that is a bare faced LIE! Sure there are asswholes like The Merchant, but there are plenty that mean well, why else would they send people to universes like Fall Of Equestria, or Conversion Bureau, or Assassinverse?
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Perhaps you should explain to this supposed 11 year old that even professional novelists have editors, drafts, proofs & critics. No writing tumbles out of the brain refined & polished, there is nothing wrong with pointing out the rough edges.
Quick ?, Is Harmonia going to let Eris go to school in Ponyville with the CMC because that would all kinds of funny right there. OOOOOOOOOO by the way love the Story look like it will be a good one
8398439 I joined the fandom 5 years ago, and my first fic was honestly too big of a project. Pay attention to what the people here are saying, it will help and tell your daughter to toughen up. Slightly dickish comments are NOTHING to what the real world will throw at her. Also tell her the fic is currently at 2 on the feature box as I type this comment. The story HAS potential.
Great start keep up the work im gonna need more to read of this. Make sure to add all the bad puns
I liked your fiction so far. And I would like to talk to you if you can allow me to use your Merchant as well. If you don't like the idea please answer me and let me know. Or if you are interested on what I'm doing with the merchants I would be glad to tell you.
Loving this so far. Can't wait to see what else is in store!
Hmm... I think the "joining the CMC" thing would have been better expanded on, or at least postponed for later when it could be described more readily.
Still liking it so far, though. Not an idea that I see a lot.
I like this. I was wondering why the picture looked odd but now that I read the story it made more sense. Can't wait for more. Just. Keep it at a good pace. Don't go to fast.
neat cover art.
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You're saying an eleven-year-old wrote all of this? That's absolutely amazing! I love when young talent steps into the ring, and Chibi Devi clearly has great potential. I'd love to see where this story goes, because the idea of a necessity for cosmic balance is an interesting take on chaos magic. The fact that she included subclassifications of said chaos magic that are just as focused as a Pony's cutie mark or name is also insightful and clever.
Please tell her from me that I really hope to see more of this story soon, and not to feel bad about missing some of the grammar. Believe me, most adults make loads of mistakes when they write stories here on Fimfiction, and I can tell you from experience, Chibi Devi performs better than several I've checked before. If she would like, I'd love to help proofread her work. Since the chapters are a reasonable length, it should only take me an hour or two at most to do a quick run through, so it's not that big of a deal for me, and I've received training as a proofreader and editor in college, so she can rest assured I can catch and fix any points in grammar the other readers might talk about, and maybe tell her a little about the rules and formatting for her to remember for later use in her writing.
Send me a PM if Chibi Devi's interested, and I hope she feels better soon.
nice story but it seems that you are rushing it.
There's two strategies you should consider.
or
The former means you won't get bogged down for four months recreating and revising then saying 'fuck it' and abandoning the story entirely. I feel like this is why a lot of stories die, or effectively die.
The latter means that you don't have to go back and rewrite, and that the product presented will be higher quality on the first go, but it'll take much longer to be released.
8398439
Long boring comments telling you what they think is wrong.... Jesus I would love those under one of my stories...
I mean just comments telling you "great story" or "this story sucks" they are not very productive. you don't know what the reader liked or disliked.
I try to be helpful for fellow writers and age and gender does not matter. Everybody has the potential to tell a great story.
Is it just me or is the
plushy looking at Luna's nudge-nudge wink-wink
Very nice on thing tho
I think this is ment to be snapping a paw, a door
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Guys, don't bother. This Ghostwriter guy is one of those "delete all negative comments immediately on story, even if they're constructive" kinds of "authors" on this website. Just take a look at the comments sections in his stories... He also instantly blocks people who disagree with him.
If he's friends with this new writer, I fear for her future as a writer.
Regardless, I will leave a message for her here, that was intended for Mr. Ghostwriter. (That I can't send to him, because he blocked me for suggesting he needed an editor on a previous story of his)
Ahem, Chibi, this following message was meant for Ghost, but I'll leave it for you:
If she wants to write for people, she needs to learn to take criticism. It sounds harsh, but it's true, man.
And honestly, to me it seems like every comment is just saying something along the lines of "she needs an editor". They all seem fairly constructive...
Regardless, if there were purely negative comments in there that I missed, those are still important. Like I said, it's harsh, but she needs to learn to take abuse if she wants to write in a public space. Honestly this is a pretty good place to learn that. The worst she'll get here is a few internet trolls saying mean things.
Authors can get much worse in real life. Encourage her to keep writing, as I personally feel that it's good for everyone to try it, even if they don't plan to make a career out of it. But still, if she's in her room crying, she needs to realize that it's bullshit to cry about what someone else said about something she made.
She made it, it's hers, and nothing else should really matter to an author. The constructive comments will help make what is already hers even better, and negative comments mean nothing.
That's all there is to it. Good luck to her.
Ghost, if you'd like to open a dialogue, I almost never block people. I'm open and willing to become an editor for Chibi, and help teach her writing as a medium. Simply fixing an error is one thing, helping her understand why it's an error is better.
Have a nice day.
First of im sorry for inproper english.
This goes on my watch list of "maybe" stories.It is quite promising read with ton of potential.I was smiling entire time.A lot of folk seem to enjoy it aswell so keep at it.Dont take critisicm as personal attacks/offence and pratice, have fun :D
In the end it\s fanfiction about pones no need to get worked up :)
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I did feel like ive missed give or take five chapters inbetween the two.Or even more in which alot of events could be written without making it "slice of life" story.
Main 6 simply accepted them without any trials or tribulations,they literatly came into understanding of entirity of their new bodies and powers within seconds, which is kinda mind boggling.The OCs arent issue they are quite creative imo but it was all so sudden without any room for character development or simply learning about them that, would make me care .They dont really feel like Humen that were thrown into new,insanely powerfull bodies.
Why not let us experience their learning process about Draconequus and their powers,their place in world?Look at potential there.Entire race that was never quite explored
Why then bother with HiE plot? Why not simply make it story about your OCs and drop the HiE entirely?
I dont hate good HiE but i can allready smell the plot.Discord is protagonists husband that didnt actually died but moved to another dimension/moved his family to another dimension to keep safe from multi dimensional fuckery of Void blah and then going againts the Void blahs..
You aswell really need either a editor or read throught the story second.Maybe third time after you written it.There are some flow breaking grammatical errors.
Now this story is featured on the front page. Cant really add much to the conversation though. Pacing could be better. Grammar could be A LOT better. Other than that, it's a good story. Good job, small person.
I dare say, you seem to lack the proper usage of commas. Other than that it seems good. Commas, or the lack thereof, trigger my OCD, so this story will be a bit rough to enjoy. It did get featured, so I won't doubt its greatness. Just needs commas :)
Also, a bit tad quick of an attitude change from Luna:
This comment will be edited as I read, to pick out some things that may or may not need looking over.
Aside from some Grammatical errors I find this story very nicely done, I love the OC design (mainly the mother as I'm not a fan of OC children in general, nothing personal) would like to see this story get some real traction.
If you or someone you know is looking for story ideas (not just this story but if you need ideas for new ones) then I can Ben very helpful k just send a PM.
I must apologize for my out burst yesterday it was uncalled for. I was going to put more on here but was told to stop otherwise I would offend those who love to criticise others work but can't take criticism them selves it just shows how they truly are. But again I am sorry for my out burst.
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"I'm sorry that you all suck."
Dude, you don't even know how to apologize properly. :/
EDIT: It would seem that Chibi has been poisoned by this Ghostwriter guy. She blocked me for wishing her luck. Another promising writer, tainted by toxicity like that guy...
He's beyond help, but I still wish her luck. Hopefully she'll learn her lesson as we all have at one time or another.