Rarity has been working awfully hard lately so Twilight Sparkle, being the good friend she is, goes to check up on her.
Edited by myself and the everfree pony
Should be golden now.
Now with a reading!
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 12th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen 51 minutes ago
Jest
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Jest
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I apologize for my OPD in advance, but this is one of my pet peeves.
You’re. You’re. Also ‘I’m’ and a missing ‘with’ after start
You’re
You’re
You’re
You’re
Also, you don’t need to bother with full stops at the end of a spoken sentence. All of that aside, i did find this most amusing, but i’m really anal about spelling and grammar(Sorry)
8220993
No need to apologize I did say it was quite rough around the edges and admittedly I have a bad habit of saying your alot instead of the proper way... >..> I wish google docs auto fixed that for me. :(
That ending makes me think Rarity’s been doing this sort of thing for quite a while.
This is shit for a long description, and you ought to feel bad. (i.e. this is a public statement of fix your shit, please).
I want a sequel to this!
8221052
Wow! Your right! So weird...
8221066
Why? Thats litteraly all the preamble and extra information you need. What isnt in the title is in the cover art. All you need to know is she’s working and the way its phrased assumes Twilight started off by saying the title. But sure I guess.
8221066
I am tempted to say the same thing about your criticism, but will refrain. The default interaction with others should always start of as polite.
By all means get rude of or when things degenerate after the opening. Just not at the start.
Now I do agree that the "long" description is a wee bit... not long. But it does serve as an adequate hook to get the story read. If only to figure out what is going on.
Aside from grammatical and structural mistakes, as well as typos, this was a good read.
8221546
Ahh well when you put it like that I suppose more does make sense. Threw in a bit more. Think that's good?
*you're
i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/017/834/23837073.jpg
Ok... The story is not bad...
The grammar on the other hand... it's making my eyes bleed...
Please, please correct all that, and try to be more careful.
On the front blurb you forgot to capitalize Twilight's name.
A funny pun at the end of the story, but all around, it was good.
Everybody else is pointing out the 'Your' and the 'twilight sparkle'.
I'll just point out this little bit of Neanderthal:
8221763
8221822
8221956
8221983
8222065
How did everyone miss the disclaimer I had about the grammer. It went down for like an hour when I adjusted the long description before realizing I left it out only to put it back up.
8222222
I, if no one else, commented while it wasn't there.
Although really, is it too much to ask that you proofread before you post?
8222237
I challenged myself to a simple one sitting story, i gave it a breif reread and fixed all the most glaring issues I just didnt think you guys would be this... dramatic about a couple of yours being out of place. (That I admittedly just glossed over because my grammer program didnt notice them.)
8222245
If it's any consolation, I am a self-confessed arsehole.
Although, if your grammar program isn't catching simple stuff like that, you might want to look into finding something better; your/you're is pretty bog-standard stuff. Really, though, you should be catching those yourself, especially in the title.
8222266
"If it's any consolation, I am a self-confessed asshole."
You certainly won't get any argument on that one.
8222291
RB is right. We didn't see that.
Also
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/950/508/918.jpg
*grammar
I honestly couldn't finish it after running across so many typo's and whatnot. I barely was even able to start it. Seriously, it doesn't really matter if its a decent story idea if the writing is filled with misspelled words and outright wrong words.
8222481
What, I just ran it through two grammer and spelling programs and had a freind look at it. What is left?
Dont you think your being just a little dramatic about this? I fixed the yours, the names and most other things.
Everyone needs to chill. A grammar issue isn't killing anything.
Anyway, it was neat. The concept and everything. I feel like it was more serious than comedic, but it was a good read.
The idea of a life-sized doll walking around is actually creepier than a decomposing corpse walking around, to me... but a lot of that depends on the doll's design, and I'm sure that having to deal with your body falling apart would be really frustrating. And, as Rarity's sane, real, not-murderously-evil, not-demonically-superpowerful soul would be possessing it, it might not be as terrifying as most living dolls.
8222672
I dont know, she seemed strangely level headed about the entire thing...
Really? That's the best she could come up with? I would've thought she'd have said that Rarity's heart wasn't beating or something like that. I'd think that'd drive the point home a bit quicker, don't you?
8222731
She says that later, besides. That is hilarious.
8222222
It seems that I got to it in that time frame.
It was a bit more than a pair of your/you're, practically ALL of them were wrong.
It really makes difficult understanding what is the meaning of the sentences, especially for non native speakers.
Additionally it is definitely NOT professional.
On top of that, IF you publish something to the internet at large you should be thick skinned enough to manage the feedback because you WILL be judged.
8222805
Wow look at mister big shot internet commentor overhear holding some random shmo who crapped out a short story in an hour to the highest grade of proffessionalism and tones up the drama with frankly silly statements like:
you WILL be judged.
Honestly im just disapointed that yall keep going on about it, 10 of you said the same thing and yet you still feel vindacated busting in here and being weirdly aggressive and dramatic.
Chill out.
8222922
Hm it's simply a point of being in the [relatively] performative arts.
Simply by the act of publishing something you accept to be put under the spotlight.
You get praised if you do good, you get criticized if you do bad.
What you do with the criticism is up to you.
Throwing something out without care is sloppy.
Personally it doesn't matter much to me if you decide to follow up and address the issues.
Additionally you are asking money for your writing [the Patreon link at the bottom is just that] so a modicum of professionalism is to be expected.
First off-time to tear apart Featured Fimfiction stories, piece by piece! Yayy!
Good start plot-wise, but isn't your use of "Darling" a little repetitive? Also, comma after cold, hyphen between ice-cold, as it's being used like an adjective.
"In between" is also being used like an adjective, so it's best with a hyphen.
Haha..ewww! Ya' nasty, Rarity!
Nice attention to detail here.
Anyway-this story was humorous, but paid a little too much attention to things better left unsaid, with a nice *wink* at "Rarity's New Dress" near the end there.
8223447
First off-time to tear apart Featured Fimfiction stories, piece by piece! Yayy!
That was the least harsh critique ive ever gotten and I agree on pretty much everything. When did it get featured though? I didnt notice.
8223007
Oh jeese you are still going, wow give it a rest dude. Have a toke, jack off, go outside. Do what you gotta do to chill out and not take a random writing excercise on a my little pony fanfiction website with such insane seriousness.
Yeah what she said.
8223755 Agreed
8223545
Awww, thanks! I heard you commented on it and for a second I was afraid you'd be super mad. (And was that an actual question when you asked when it was featured? Because I'm bad at sarcasm...in any case, yeah duh, it got featured today! Congratulations! Time to crack open that bottle of champagne or pack of chocolate! Or both!)
8223833
Nah, I dont get mad. Also I have no idea what your talking about to be honest.
8223551
The thing is... It's YOU that is asking money for a "random writing excercise on a my little pony fanfiction website".
Simply that.
Grammer issues can be revised. I found the story fairly amusing. I will consider Rarity's actions at the end "taking the situation with grace."
8223849
Did you see the paywall when you got into this story? Did you have to give me your credit card info in order for you to read this? No, I didnt think so. Thus I am not asking for money to allow you to read this. I am not asking anybody for money "for a random writing excercise." and the fact that you seem to genuinely believe this, is simply baffling. If this was a commission I would understand, if this was a request from a patron, i'd understand. But its none of those things. Noone is getting charged for this, I'm not asking anyone for money for this story, this is well out of my schedule because I felt inspired.
I get that you feel vindicated in your anger because I have a patreon and a story I wrote had a few errors in it for a couple of hours but noone is getting charged for this. Its really not that deep fam.
8223848
Oh, well...your story is in the featured box, so you should celebrate. Ordinarily with champagne or chocolate.
8224343
The featured box of what? Cus it wasnt and isnt on the front page.
8223926
This is not a paywall, but STILL a request for money. You are asking for money. Yes you haven't set up a paywall and that's fine but it still mean you would like to have people paying for your writing... so being completely unprofessional is counterproductive...
8224349
NOW is out of the front page but it got there. It's why I was reading it...
8224821
*sigh* you really dont get it do you? Is just having a patreon and not being perfect enough to trigger an angry tirade that lasts days?
And completely unproffessional? There was a handful of errors that I forgot about then posted before going to bed (I didnt even submit it to groups, making it more difficult to find untill after I went over it with a fine tooth comb) and then fixed it litteraly as soon as I could since I had an early shift at work. Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill dude. If you want some tips and tricks on relaxing just PM me, meditation is great for anxiety and dealing with your anger in a healthy and respectful manner.
Remember, use that rage and funnel it towards something positive. Screaming at people on the internet for not meeting your ridiculous standards doesn't help you or me.
8224883
Again it was NOT difficult to find, it went on the front page. Don't know if it was by mistake or what.
You keep telling me I'm angry and screaming... That's not the case.
I'm keeping a calm tone, and simply addressing points that are there.
It really seems like you are projecting a lot.
8224929
Your here, days after what you were complaining about is no longer an issue, clearly I struck a chord for you to keep going on like this. If you were calm and truly as rational as you believed yourself to be you would have simply left. Having said all you came to say, but yet here you are. Still with as much drama and vitrol as your first post, and you wont stop here. You cant not have the last word, your going to keep going. Endlessly trying to defend a point that has long since been rendered moot, for your ego demands it. :)
(Also all new stories show up on the front page under the new stories tab.)
8224969
Hm the same can be said for you, are you aware of that?
And just to point out you STILL have errors on the front blurb in the note that you added.
Quite sure it was in the Featured box.
The fact that now you corrected all the errors is commendable, the righteous anger on having them pointed out quite a bit less.
The time it takes for this discussion is just a function of the way internet and the time zone of the world works.