- Member Since 30th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen Sep 21st, 2019
ambion
Work hard. Learn. And use your skills to better Equestria. That's a worthy goal for anypony!
ambion
Joined 30th Mar, 2012 ·
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Pretty hot and with good characterization. I'll go more into detail when I have time. If you don't get anything more from me in a week, then shoot me a PM.
That was pretty fucking epic for a first attempt at clop. You weaved the story perfectly into it and kept everything just out of reach until you actually got to the sexy part of the story. Kudos to you for a job well done.
Also, I'm pretty damn happy that you chose to bring FlutterMac into your adventure.
This ship does not get enough love. I hope to see more from you in the future. 
Excellently done, my dear :)
Sequel please
Fuck yeah mutual masturbation!! That's my favorite thing ever but I almost never see it in clopfiction. And with Fluttershy & Mac!?
You deserve all of the cookies.
Whose alt are you? That was waaaaay too good for first-time clop.
Now that was a well-done story! Bravo! And bravo, Fluttershy!
3112783 Agree with that, this is exceptional for a first foray.
This is quite good without being vulgar and also a wonderful example of well done Fluttershy POV. 
Good job!
Oh wow, I thoroughly enjoyed this!
It captured the essence of Fluttershy very well. On top of that, as other have already said, it was also extremely well-written; there was some serious build-up of erotic tension going on, and though there were some noticeable (albeit minor) errors here and there, and I wasn't entirely on board with some of the euphemisms used, in the end, the pay-off was hot as all get-out.
No, I mean, seriously: Shy's adorable and realistic reactions -- particularly her awed little uttering of 'big penis,' which is the kind of embarrassingly stupid observation I'd probably make myself in that situation -- combined the elaborate and detailed descriptions of certain (ahem) fluids getting all over the place, left me torn between the urge to squee, which requires me to press my hands to my cheeks, and another urge entirely, which generally involves my hands being in places in closer proximity to... um, the floor.
By which I of course mean clapping. Which, if you'll notice, I'm spelling with an 'a.'
Bravo, good man. Bravo.
OHHH
You wrote the Ballad of Eeyup and Nope! That explains the excellent writing! You actually know wtf you're doing!
I thought that was very well done.
Thanks for bringing back a ship that was been irrelevant for well over a year now.
Remember back when FlutterMac was the shit?
I feel like a fucking dinosaur.
I'm not sure if I'll be able to riff this anytime soon due to its... generous length, but I'll let you know if I do.
THIS...
WAS...
AMAZING!!!
amazing story man, by far you have the best use of grammar I have seen these many years on fimfiction. good job man, good job.
Holy... Are you sure that you've never written clop before? Simply amazing, Ambion. You really captured Fluttershy's persona in this piece, and it made all the difference. I also like how you didn't just delve right into the steamy and sensual, instead providing a build-up by way of backstory and past experiences (Rainbow Dash). The lack of the Romance tag is something that's very rare in clop, even though not many clop one-shots are romantic, so kudos for omitting it. Slice of Life is perfect for what you have going on here. I did notice a few errors, if you care to change them:
Should be "chastised."
*hyperventilates* Should be "you're."
Should be "then."
Should be "definitely."
I really enjoyed this story, I wish I could write clop like this.
Very good. I like the little bit with Rainbow.
There's never enough Fluttermac, and sensual loving is just another extension of that love. Wonderful addition to the lineup, and I have to ask if you plan on doing more for this pairing? Say, round two, with less beating around the bush? They're still technically virgins, which another chapter might remedy.
Loved it loved it loved it, Big Mac's part but also the part with RD, I could just taste the tension.
I like this, I really do. It's just very hard for me to read.
For a first attempt at clop, this was done wonderfully. The slow build-up of tension mixed with Fluttershy's memories of her night with Dash really helps to get me invested in the story and made the eventual pay-off all the sweeter. You have a real talent for writing in Flutter's PoV and I hope to see some more like this from you.
There were a couple of small mistakes, most of which were caught by 3116925, but the overall quality of the story is quite impressive.
Also, welcome to the HQMF Group, I hope you enjoy your stay.
This was good. Sweet, very in-character. I liked it.. Thank you very much for writing it ^.^
I'm amazed, glad and embarrassed at how well this story is being received. To clear up the matter: no, I don't plan to add chapters or sequels to this story, it just feels content and complete as it stands. That said, I might make write another such one in the near future. Thanks to everyone who comments, and my pleasure that it is enjoyed.
3114679 Thank you
3115622 I hadn't realized Fluttermac had ever gone out of fashion
. It's not my favourite, but it by far suited best for this story.
3116925 Always appreciate a proofer, thank you! These will be combed through and fixes applied juuuust as soon as I'm back from the animal rescue. (I've been taking a lazy mid-week weekend.) I'm glad the tension-building and characterization sat well with you. As for the lack of Romance tag, that just made the most sense. I was a little worried that omitting it would raise a few eyebrows, but far as I know there's no romance in the story, so no tag.
3117212
Rainbow Dash wasn't in my original idea. She sort of wriggled her way in as I was writing it, and was too good to take back out. Her prescence helped set a tone, I feel.
3117242 Sorry, but there's no plan to add more to this
3120231 Fantastic!
3117394 Indeed, tension does have that very distinct flavour, shall we say?
Oh gawds that sounded better in my head...
3121837 I suppose it does have that feel, doesn't it? No plans as of yet to do that, though.
3118225
Some people do struggle in that regard, and I take the blame and responsibility. Some people write in a very affected, even what is considered 'olden' style with mixed results and reactions therein. I remember my grade school teachers variously praising/reprimanding me for doing the same, so I think I can be confident enough to say that in my case, it's just my natural way with words.
In short: I am purple. I am exceedingly purple. I try to control it, limit it and guide it, lest it control me
There's not a whole lot either of us can do about this, I'm afraid to say.
No romance tag?
I'm sure you've heard it before, but for a first-time attempt at clop, this was awesome. Sensual without being overly romantic, a good build up to the finishers, and detailed descriptions. Also, the characterisations were rather awesome.
I'd say more, but I'm not really much of a critic
. I'd like to say, though, that you seem to be using 'than' on a few occasions when it should be 'then', but 'tis but a minor error.
First time writing a clop?
Seriously?! then you have a gift my friend.
Don't hide that in a bushel basket.
This was extremely awesome.
Despite the fluttermac, of course.
The only other FlutterxMac story I ever encountered, I couldn’t even get past the first 1000 words of… it wasn’t bad in terms of the story, it was just grammatically horrid. I’m hoping this does not suffer the same fate, and from the looks of the first paragraph, this looks like it holds a lot of promise in terms of how it’s written. Well, time to read, proofread, and review.
Oh, and before I forget, if you wish to correct any errors I locate, use Ctrl+F, then copy what I place in quotes, and make the corrections you see fit to make (I’ll make suggestions to the right of each error). Alright, let’s begin!
… “little better hidden” – Place a hyphen between ‘better’ and ‘hidden’.
… “couch and decour” – ‘decour’ should be ‘decor’.
… “pillow cases and” – ‘pillow’ and ‘cases’ should be one word: ‘pillowcases’.
… “the working colt” – Actually, Big Mac’s a stallion: An adult, male horse/pony.
… “than simply announced” – ‘than’ should be ‘then’.
… “they flew black” – ‘black’ should be ‘back’.
… “as the curtains done so” – Place ‘had’ between ‘curtains’ and ‘done’.
… “intesnified by the” – ‘intesnified’ should be ‘intensified’.
… “He murmurred a thanks” – ‘murmurred’ should me ‘murmured’.
… ““Your welcome,” she” – ‘Your’ should be ‘You’re’.
… “certain expresiveness” – ‘expresiveness’ should be ‘expressiveness’.
… “feeling tracing the” – Remove ‘feeling’, since ‘tracing’ fits fine by itself.
… “a tiny moan out on” – I’m not sure if you meant ‘on’ or ‘of’.
… “patience not often” – There are two spaces between ‘patience’ and ‘not’. Remove one of them.
… “of embarrsment” – ‘embarrsment’ should be ‘embarrassment’.
… “Rainbow Dash forwards” – ‘forwards’ should be ‘forward’.
… “she said an edge” – Place a comma between ‘said’ and ‘an’.
… “now come into her” – Replace ‘come into’ with ‘present in’.
… “or she just trust to Rainbow Dash.” – Rephrase this… I actually don’t know what you were trying to say here, so I’m sorry: I can’t provide any help.
… “She made herself breath” – ‘breath’ should be ‘breathe’.
… “recollected that night” – ‘recollected’ should actually be ‘recalled’.
… “bid herself think” – Place ‘to’ between ‘herself’ and ‘think’.
… “spending all the day” – Either make ‘all the day’ as ‘all day’ or ‘the day’, but remove either ‘all’ or ‘the’.
… “more forecefully” – ‘forecefully’ should be ‘forcefully’.
… “nervous excitment show” – ‘excitment’ should be ‘excitement’.
… “to keep her breathing” – ‘her’ should be ‘herself’.
… “such a challange” – ‘challange’ should be ‘challenge’.
… “very prescence” – ‘prescence’ should be ‘presence’.
… “shiver of anticpation” – ‘anticpation’ should be ‘anticipation’.
… “anticpation coursed its way” – Remove one of the two spaces between ‘anticpation’ and ‘coursed’.
… “alright than” – ‘than’ should be ‘then’.
… “intentionally or no” – ‘no’ should be ‘not’.
… “all ponies was” – Place a comma between ‘ponies’ and ‘was’.
… “anticpated finding” – ‘anticpated’ should be ‘anticipated’.
… “You definetly beat” – ‘definetly’ should be ‘definitely’.
… “You definetly, totally” – See above.
… “Up-side down” – ‘Up-side down’ should be one word: ‘Upside-down’.
… “one another breathing” – ‘another’ should be ‘another’s’.
… “breeze carressing them” – ‘carressing’ should be ‘caressing’.
… “to regard her.
Dash” – Place a second “line” to separate the two lines from one another.
… “A rhytmic, rolling” – ‘rhytmic’ should be ‘rhythmic’.
… “a teatowel” – ‘teatowel’ should be ‘tea-towel’.
… “where we left of” – ‘of’ should be ‘off’.
… “an uncomfortable looking” – Place a hyphen between ‘uncomfortable’ and ‘looking’.
… “turn this moment in” – Move ‘in’, to being between ‘turn’ and ‘this’.
… “the mare if if it” – Remove an ‘if’.
… “was truly her’s” – ‘her’s’ should be ‘hers’.
… “She more pressing” – Place ‘had’ between ‘She’ and ‘more’.
… “in anyway today” – In this context, ‘anyway’ should be separate words: ‘any way’.
… “had a exciting” – ‘a’ should be ‘an’.
… “various scenario’s” – ‘scenario’s’ should be ‘scenarios’.
… “ask urgently ask” – Remove the first ‘ask’.
… “handsomly muscled” – ‘handsomly’ should be ‘handsomely’.
… “the all you can cop-a-feel-on buffet” – hyphens should be placed between each word from ‘all’ to ‘on’: ‘all-you-can-cop-a-feel-on’.
… “pressed vigoursly” – ‘vigoursly’ should be ‘vigorously’.
… “for reason’s she” – ‘reason’s’ should be ‘reasons’.
… “that sounded awfully like” – ‘awfully like’ should be ‘an awful lot like’.
… “in embarrasment,” – ‘embarrasment’ should be ‘embarrassment’.
… “they thurmmed” – ‘thurmmed’ should be ‘thrummed’.
… “where it it was” – Remove an ‘it’.
… “was than smeared” – ‘than’ should be ‘then’.
… “well practiced movements” – Place a hyphen between ‘well’ and ‘practiced’.
… “than worked it” – ‘than’ should be ‘then’.
… “mischeviously all the” – ‘mischeviously’ should be ‘mischievously’.
… “gave him a little lick” – ‘gave’ should be ‘giving’.
… “the coarsness and” – ‘coarsness’ should be ‘coarseness’.
… “aind in the” – ‘aind’ should be ‘and’.
… “she was laid her low” – Replace ‘her low’ with ‘out’.
… “fervour as before” – ‘fervour’ should be ‘fervor’.
… “than loosed a spurt” – ‘than loosed’ should be ‘then let loose’.
… “than another surge” – ‘than’ should be ‘then’.
… “and listenting to” – ‘listenting’ should be ‘listening’.
… ““Big Mac...” she stared” – Did you mean ‘stared’ or ‘started’?
So, this was your first journey into the world of clop, huh? Well, let’s start with what you did wrong.
………………………… I’ve got nothin’.
I’m serious!: The premise is well-established and non-romantic, yet it’s a sweet story with plenty of little odds and ends that are made to fit in. Seriously, this is one of the best oneshot-clops I’ve ever READ, and it’s not hard to find my comments on others (look for the walls of text.
).
The characters not only fit their roles, but they fit in the story in ways that no other character could possibly fill. It’s like it was made FOR these characters. Big Macintosh is the strong, silent type, but also shy and caring. Fluttershy, from her habits and ‘attempts’ at being assertive, to the area where this occurs being her cottage, had this tailor-made to fit her perfectly. Even Rainbow Dash, who appeared in flashbacks, couldn’t possibly be replaced given her knowledge of preening, sensitive points of wings, tomboyish acts of lounging around Fluttershy’s home, and loyal devotion to her friend.
Mr. Mouse? Used as a means of producing the iced tea and shot glass which, in turn, gave us the first flashback. Massage-flashback? Used on Big Macintosh by Fluttershy. And the plot was pushed along with the filling of potholes, and the mess it left of Big Macintosh. Everything had a purpose, and you used them in immaculate, brilliant displays of your skill as an author and a writer.
Yes, I wanted more, but what I had, I was content with. Sure, the proofreading section was long and took a while to complete (I read and proofread at the same time), but the story never stopped being interesting; it never failed to hold onto my interest, and for that, on behalf of all who enjoyed this story as much as me…
… Thank you.
I wish more first-attempts, or even well-beyond first-attempts, were this incredible. 
3116925
3139149
All errors mentioned have been seen to, thank ye both.
Shimmering? That was a HEAP of a proofreading and review. Thank you.
3145655 It might have been quite a lot of proofreading, but it was an honor to do it... Even if it took me several days, with my on-and-off schedule. Heh...
You know, with all the corrections made... maybe you can try putting it up on Equestria After Dark... I dunno, just a suggestion...
3139149 Well, I'd have to say that's most of what I'd have said. Except it's simply "tea towel", no dash in it.
3149424 I suppose it can be used for both, with or without the dash, but yes, you're right, the hyphen is rather unnecessary. Apologies!
You should probably tag Dash in this story, considering you put her in it without mentioning FutterDash in the summary.
3156743
I had considered this when I was posting it, but decided against it for two reasons.
One, Dash is only ever in the flashbacks, she's no prescence in the 'present', so to speak. Secondly, it felt like her tag would spoil some of the surprise when she does come into it, not to mention that she's not actually involved in any of the um...hotter antics. FlutterDash doesn't happen. As such, I'm happy with the choice I originally made.
3156864
Flashbacks do not redact a character tag. The character is still in the story.
She does play a role in the story, afflicting the consciousness of Fluttershy's decisions.
It would of been best for these 'flashbacks' to have been in their own separate story/chapter and only briefly referenced.
It felt like you were trying to write two different stories that barely held connections and it served very little purpose, but Rainbow Dash is still a part of the story.
3159132
I do see the validity in your points, but I disagree on several of them. I'm content to keep the tags as they are.
Pretty nifty story. It was such a thorough exploration of that pensive state that you can get into when you're filled with desire. I think my favorite part was when Fluttershy lay on the couch, and tried to focus her thoughts on Big Mac's character, rather than on his physique, and whether he's desirable for more than just sex, but that her attempts vaporized almost instantly :p It was such a genuine moment that I've experienced myself. I was really hoping to see a reprise of that moment at the end. I would have loved to have seen some post-coital reflection on that.
I really enjoy explorations of the struggles of whether someone should make fantasies real, and try them in real life, and once they're real, how they affect you (and not just sexual ones too). This story has a lot of the former part of that, and that was awesome to see, especially in so much detail, and I found it sad that there wasn't much of the latter but, hey, there's nothing wrong with clop just being clop.
I especially enjoyed how there was an exploration of both submitting to and resisting desire.
Given my predisposition, though, to wanting to see explorations of how sex can affect people emotionally, however, I was struck by how completely blase Fluttershy was at the end. For Big Mac, sure, stoicism is his trademark personality trait, but Fluttershy doesn't strike me as the 'casual sex' type. I would have expected, once her 'power' rush was over and drying into a sticky stain on her inner stifles, that her self-consciousness might have started to return quickly. She might have been asking how well she did, or whether Big Mac was now expecting more from the relationship, or whether she herself, unencumbered by the distractions of horniness, was actually falling for Big Mac or not. Boy, there are so many directions this could have gone, but something like "We should totally do this all the time." seemed a little OOC and flat, especially after spending so much time reading about how powerfully significant all these thoughts and fantasies are in her mind.
Like I said, it's just me. I have five stories now in various stages of completeness that all explore the emotional consequences of sex, some of them really dark. Honestly, I probably think way too much about it. I should have just dispensed with all this 'thinking' stuff and just fapped to this gorgeous tale like a normal pervert.
Also, I don't know if it was intentional, but I was busting out laughing on a few lines.
3233067
Nice review, very nice
.
The original conception of this story was just to be a quick, simple thing in an effort to overcome my reservations on writing in the genre. But, like all simple plans...the writing took a fancy of its own and started developing a lot more than I had intended. Not that this was a bad thing, far from it.
I totally see your point that it ends in a rather vanilla fashion, particularily with Flutters. That was intentional, I didn't want to commit to making a multi-parter out of this. Rather, we get a fuzzy, happy afterglow sort of ending. Both of them know that they're getting into a friendship-with-benefits gig, hence the lack of Romance tag (a lot of readers found this surprising, I was surprised by their surprise
). Maybe not a trend we'd expect from Flutters, but eh, it didn't feel impossible for her to go for it either. Beware the shy ones, they always say. 
I'm a lot the same in this regard. 'Gorgeous tale'!
Definetly my favourite line from the whole thing. It just works so well.
Glad you liked it
3233263
I can totally relate to the 'simple clop getting out of hand' thing. On multiple occasions, I set out to make something straightforward, but my fingers froze above the keys when I tried to make the characters unthinking and unfeeling juvenile fantasy pleasure robots. And then, at the end, I had to reign in my temptation to explode the story into a drama about the consequences of what the characters had gotten themselves into after their sordid encounter (Failing at that, in the case of The Horse Collar)
As for the ending, I totally bought the fuzzy afterglow bit. I was actually struggling with that myself. Unless you just rolled off of the nastiest cow in the universe, the unthinking haze of afterglow doesn't just vanish instantly and get replaced by cold, hard reality like a ton of bricks. So, really, the ending did have a certain authenticity, in that regard. But I was craving at least one juicy bite of emotion at the end, just to act as some kind of closure. Like perhaps some subtle allusion that this means they're about to fall in love and live happily every after. (Assuming you're not a cynical bastard like me who wants to make everything into heartbreak, somehow :p Then by all means, have her come to the realization that she just had meaningless sex :p)
Argh... I said this multiple times now, but that's just a personal hangup of mine, I think. This story promised simple clop, and it delivered magnificent clop. It didn't promise any emotions and it still managed to deliver this amazing 'Should I/Shouldn't I' dancing balance of forces.
Someone recommended this for Twilight's Library. Not a lot of clop makes it in there, but this did. Congrats.
tinyurl.com/mbho6go
Wow, this was really great.
I'm not a huge fan of Fluttermac, but damn! And mutual masturbation. You don't see that too much on the site.
Have a fav!
When I saw the line "Big Macintosh made a sound like '!'", I swear I heard the guard alert sound effect from Metal Gear.
That aside, this was both tasteful and artful. I'm not much into porn (much less pony porn), but this was really good.
i am so angry.
i wanted a fluttershy creampie.