Written Before a Live Audience
Rainbow Dash was covered in copious globs of sticky white strands, but that was the least of her worries. Breaking free of the iron-tight bands that had anchored her in place for hours, she dug through the dank cave’s grime and sediment until she reached the first of her five friends who were plastered to the limestone walls. Once she had a hoofhold of Applejack’s forelimbs, she tugged and tugged with a great deal of liberal grunting. Her efforts amounted to nothing more than a blue flea trying to dislodge an orange watermelon from a curtain of mucus. It was also slightly more disgusting than that analogy.
“Nnnngh... almost... g-got you... out of h-here...” Rainbow wheezed in between monumental tugs.
“You almost got nothin’!” Applejack barked, though it was hard for her to move her jaw much, considering the hideous array of spinnerette goo that had fused her muzzle to the porous rock of the place. “Face it, sugarcube, I’m stuck here tighter than a sweaty pig during mud season!”
“Mmmmff-Guh!” Rainbow Dash fell back on her haunches, panting sweatily. “F-for real, what is it with you and friggin’ hogs, anyway?”
“She’s got a point, Rainbow Dash!” Twilight Sparkle’s voice hissed from somewhere up above. Rainbow’s shivering gaze tilted up to catch the unicorn’s lavender form dangling from a fixed netting of white cobwebs. “This webbing is too strong! Even for my magic! Nopony could possibly expect you to get us all out of here on your own!”
“But I got myself unstuck, didn’t I?!” Rainbow Dash’s voice cracked. “Why can’t I save all five of you?”
“Yeah!” Pinkie Pie chirped from where she hung, her fuzzy form plastered upside down to a pale wall. “You’re—like—the anti-taffy queen! Heeheehee!”
Rainbow Dash blinked. With tired ruby eyes, she gazed back at Twilight. “Four of you. I can at least save four of you.”
“No, Rainbow Dash, you can’t!” Twilight Sparkle insisted.
“Couldn’t she, th-though?” Rarity’s voice quivered across the claustrophobic domain Her pale horn cast dancing shadows as she writhed and twitched in her snow-white bindings. “Nnnngh! For Celestia’s sake, this is the utter definition of vomitous!”
“Uhm, actually, Rarity,” a silk-soft voice murmured from the far corner of the cave. A dainty yellow figure dangled over Rarity, her pink mane flouncing in some invisible, fel wind. “A spider’s web is a thin series of protein molecules woven together by a natural abdominal gland, producing something of smooth, silken quality not unlike your most finely crafted robes—”
“Explaining it does not keep the bile down!” Rarity shouted like something that was in heat and possibly feline. “Please, we must get out of this horrid situation!”
“Just gimme a chance!” Rainbow Dash grunted, once more tugging hard on Applejack’s forelimbs. “I can do it! I know I can!”
“Rainbow, your wings are stuck together from the webbing!” Twilight exclaimed. “You can’t fly right now, so gallop to safety as soon as you can!” She wriggled in her constrictive cocoon of slime and shouted, “Go get help! That’s how you can save us!”
“But... I-I can’t... j-just... leave you guys...” Rainbow wheezed.
“Honestly, sugarcube,” Applejack muttered with an eyebrow raised. “Is there some special reason why you keep tryin’ to pull me out and not the others?”
“I want to live to die in a stallion’s arrrrrrrms!” the fashionista wailed in the background.
“Rarity, quit it!” Rainbow grunted, stepping back to catch her breath. “Okay... okay... I’m gonna go and get some help! I’ll be back for you guys! I promise!” Her brow furrowed. “And then we’ll stomp these friggin’ web-spinners to goo!”
“Hooray!” Pinkie Pie sing-songed. “Vindictive murder!”
Fluttershy timidly squeaked, “I’m for all of that, except the ‘murder’ part.”
“Fluttershy, darling...” Rarity turned to glare up towards the pegasus. “Surely you cannot mean to suggest that you openly embrace being tied up against your will and vomited on...”
“Er... well... uhm...” Fluttershy’s sticky ears folded back as a blush flew through her cheeks. Just then, a ravenous hissing sound permeated the lengths of the cavern. She gasped; so did everypony else.
“Whoahhhhh nelly...” Applejack exhaled.
“Don’t be a hero, Rainbow Dash!” Twilight Sparkle sputtered, her violet eyes wide. “Run!”
“Go get help!” Applejack grunted.
“Okay!” Rainbow Dash spun around in a sapphiric blur and galloped hard into the darkness. “Time to make like a working mare and bounce!”
“D-do be quick about it, dear!” Rarity siren’d.
“Yeah!” Pinkie Pie added. “And bring back some Dr. Pony!”
Rainbow Dash was well out of earshot before she could hear what must have been a righteously violent retort from Twilight. The cave darkened around her, save for errant rope-like strands of ethereal phosphorescence thrown randomly about the oily, slick walls. This cast pale green shadows of squirming, moving things in the pegasus’ peripheral vision. She felt her heart beating straight through her throat, like a living amphibian was daring to dive out of her trachea at any fleeting moment. Every single shuffle or hint of a sliding sound sent electrical bolts flinging through the fleeing mare’s arteries. Rainbow felt her wings twitching with every other step, and yet not a single feather would budge, for her limbs were stuck that tight to her torso.
“Guh...” She spat between breaths, weaving left and right through the labyrinthine tunnels in a desperate search for the deep cave's exit. “I haven’t felt this sticky since that training session when Soarin’ and I switched jumpsuits—” Just then, a living spike of hairy, chitinous flesh slammed into the rock before her. “Luna’s nipple!” Rainbow Dash’s voice cracked as she skidded to a stop.
A bulbous black body loomed before her, heaving down in the center of a convergence of ginormously spindly legs. A hairy mountain rolled into the emerald penumbra of the cave’s phosphorescent glow, and that mountain turned out to be a face with six black eyes and two spiked pedipalps waving at the pegasus like living cacti. Rainbow Dash couldn’t see the rest of the hulking arachnid’s abominable body, and even when she tried, she was mortified at the sight of much smaller, much more skittish bulbs of spongy white flesh crawling across the cave walls like living popcorn with feelers.
“Ponyyyyy flessssssshhhh-hckkkk-clk-clk-clk...” The spider’s voice resembled dragon claws scratching against frozen chalkboard. Its glistening fangs parted, and a breath not unlike the rancid stench of sun-bloated fish escaped the matriarch’s wriggling, bifurcated mandibles. “Bear our children in your belliesssssss.”
Rainbow Dash only needed one breath to utter “Nope,” and was gone faster than a second synapse could fire. She performed a herculean dive, soaring over the lunging puddle of living white limbs, limbs, and more limbs. A flicker of daylight stabbed her eyes as she landed on the far side of the squirming pool with a staggering lurch. Hairy claws and bony knee joints collided in a desperate attempt to drown the pegasus; they got nothing but a few prismatic strands from her tail as she sped from their reach, practically sliding like an equine torpedo into the rain-slicked paradise of the open world. A few shadows lacing the mouth of the cave spun their bulbous abdomens around and spat strands at her like silken barb-wire, but the gesture was belated at best.
Rainbow galloped across the storm-drenched lengths of the Everfree Forest, making a blue bullet for the quaint heart of Ponyville in the distance.
The squirrels watched in silence.
“Covered from head to tail in milky white strands, you say?!” the Mayor gasped.
“No matter how I spin it, I can’t make it sound any prettier,” Rainbow Dash grunted as Nurse Redheart plucked and picked at her sticky blue wings.
“Well, when can you?!” Cheerilee spun worriedly inside the Ponyville Town Hall’s interior until she faced the large group of ponies gathered there for the emergency meeting. “This is utterly horrible, Mayor! What can we possibly do?!”
“Well, I already sent Miss Hooves off to deliver an urgent message to Canterlot!” the elder mare in the ruffled ascot said. “It’s a matter of time before the city sends its strongest members of the royal guard to assist us!”
“Ungh!” Rainbow Dash tossed her hooves in frustration. “I just wish we didn’t have to depend on a bunch of armored punks to save my best friends for me!” Redheart urged Rainbow to stay still with a pale hoof. Frowning, the pegasus folded her forelimbs and further grumbled, “Twilight said it was just a matter of time before the giant spider queen person thingy crawled over to the five of them and laid its eggs in their stomachs. Last time I checked, that was totally not cool. ‘Neigh’ means ‘neigh’ and all that after school rodeo jazz.”
“This is definitely a crisis situation!” Cheerilee thought out loud, drawing gasps and wide-eyes from every equine in attendance. “If a giant arachnid lays that many eggs in five adult ponies, our town could be overrun by a swarm of those terrible, terrible things within a matter of days!”
“Just cleaning the webbing alone from the town would be a monumental undertaking,” Nurse Redheart grunted, her hooves fetlock deep in the goo that was clinging to Rainbow’s feathers. “Celestia above! I’ve never had to deal with so much viscous material before!”
“Just plug in a mane-drier and blow on it for a few minutes,” Rainbow Dash grunted. “That’ll get the stickiness out... along with the stains.”
Redheart’s jaw dropped. “How... h-how would you know of such a remedy—?”
“Don’t ask,” the Wonderbolt cadet grunted in a distant voice.
“What I don’t understand is what made you six adventurers stumble upon such an absurd predicament in the first place!” the Mayor exclaimed.
“Meh...” Rainbow Dash tossed her prismatic mane back as her angry eyes glared at the town hall’s ceiling rafters. “Something about Twilight hearing ‘Spike’s screams of distress in the Everfree Forest’ or something. She fetched the rest of the girls and I so we could rescue him, Elements of Harmony and all. We figured it was no sweat: just a bunch of militant raccoons that had captured the lil’ guy for a ransom of trail mix or something. So, like, we chased the sound of his screams into this cave to tear some royal flank, but... y’know... the raccoons turned out to have a few more legs than I remember learning about in school... not to mention eyes... and venom-brimming f-fangs...”
“Good heavens,” Cheerilee cooed. “That had to have been awful!”
“Before we knew it, the whole place was crawling from floor to ceiling with these giant, skittering mofos,” Rainbow Dash said with a shudder. “Thousands of them... and all of them rustling Fluttershy...”
Somepony fainted in the background. A pair of good samareitans dragged her off to a distant couch cushion. The Mayor trotted closer, squinting curiously. “You mean that they actually overcame all five Elements of Harmony?”
“Between your agility, Applejack’s strength, and Twilight Sparkle’s magic, I’m surprised the creatures weren’t overmatched!” Cheerilee exclaimed.
“You don’t get it,” Rainbow Dash slurred, her ruby eyes twitching as she stared into a nightmarish thought cloud hovering invisibly betwixt the group. “This was a biblical flood of spiders, like some scorpion god took a dump into the linoleum bowl of Creation. There was really nothing the whole group of us could do, even with Twilight’s magic.” Rainbow gulped, then sighed. “Besides, we had Pinkie Pie with us.”
“Ah.” The Mayor nodded.
“Okay,” Cheerilee murmured. “So, the five of them were alive the last time you saw them?”
“Yup. Stuck to the back of the cave like candy wrappers to a movie theatre floor.” She gestured with a blue hoof. “You know... the little square ones with the round indentation in the center?”
“And... Twilight’s assistance?” the mayor asked. “Spike: did he perish from these abominable cretins?”
“I dunno.” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Maybe.”
“Oh...” The mayor blinked.
Silence.
Eventually, Nurse Redheart cleared her throat and spoke from where she stood, tending to Rainbow Dash’s wings. “Well, if we can’t think of something soon, I fear for the well-being of those poor, precious ponies. An equine body will suffocate if it’s bound in this horrible adhesive material for far too long, and that’s saying nothing for the inflammation of the spleen that will be caused by a giant arachnid shoving its ovipositor down one’s throat and laying a million eggs.”
“And just what would you propose I do?” The Mayor frowned, straightening her upset ascot. “Should I round up the Ponyville militia? Please... they’re barely trained to take on a measly stampede of feather-soft bunny rabbits, much less a swarm of daddy-long-legs from Tartarus!”
Just then, the front doors burst open. Everypony spun to see a legion of heavily armored pegasi with matching white coats. The muscular stallions marched proudly into the center of the crowded town hall building. They removed their helmets and bowed in one accord, until one trotted forward from the center of the group and spoke with a majestic, booming voice:
“We have just received your unsettling news from the valiant mare with the adorably handicapped eyes. How might we serve Ponyville in this moment of extreme duress?”
“Oh, thank Celestia!” the Mayor gasped with joy. “Help has arrived!”
“And help is handsome...” Cheerilee gave a drooling smile. She shrieked as she was shoved aside by a blue hoof. “Ooof!”
Rainbow Dash marched up to the stallions, frowning. “My five friends—the Elements of Harmony—have been taken captive in a dark cave, deep in the Everfree Forest! Plus, there may or may not be a dead dragon involved.”
The stallions responded with one collective grunt of heroic fury. “Forsooth! Equestria’s most valuable ponies?! Held prisoner in such a wild, wooly place?! When did this foul abduction happen?!”
“This afternoon!” Rainbow rasped. “You gotta hurry! Any second, my friends will be bursting through the belly with evil crawling crud!”
“I shudder to think...” The foremost guard’s brow furrowed. “Is it diamond dogs? Griffons?”
Another stallion leaned forward. “Ogres?”
“Dragons?” uttered another.
“Or perhaps malevolent trolls?” The foremost guard smiled valiantly. “We specialize in trolls; we eat such rancid vermin for breakfast.”
“Well... erm... actually...” The Mayor fumbled for words.
“It’s spiders,” Rainbow Dash spat.
All of the stallions’ eyes bore a matching, pale glint.
“Spiders,” the lead guard exhaled.
“Giant, hulking, hairy spiders,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Yes, uhm...” Cheerilee leaned in with her ridiculously bright smile and songbird voice to match it. “With a queen the size of a cement truck, and swarms of skittering little children that look like the little fuzzy white things you pop off the ceiling, only big like bowling balls and capable of pronouncing vowel sounds!”
The guards stood like stiff knights atop a chessboard. A few of them stirred. A few more of them quivered in their armored horseshoes.
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow slowly, like molasses defying gravity. “Is... there something wrong?”
“Yes... erm... we... we just remembered something,” the lead guard said, already backtrotting. “We... uhm... we received a d-distress call from Appleloosa earlier this m-morning...”
“A distress call?” Rainbow’s voice cracked. “About what?!”
“Oh. Well... you know... the usual... uh...” The guard smiled nervously and stammered over the sound of his rattling chestplate. “It’s... uhm... rape.”
“Rape?”
“Yup. Buffalo being raped!” The guard slapped his helmet on in a single breath; his subordinates swiftly followed suit. “Gotta fly! For Equestria!”
And in a dozen ivory blurs, the entire battalion made a swift, flighty exit.
One could hear a pin drop in the vacuum left by the pegasi’s sound barrier-breaking departure. Like an icy pinwheel, Rainbow Dash turned to gawk at the flabbergasted group.
“Well, that was... flaccid,” Cheerilee dripped.
“If Canterlot can’t help us,” Nurse Redheart murmured pitifully, “And our militia is useless, then who can we rely on?”
“Maybe it’s no longer a question of honor,” the Mayor thought aloud. “Or spunk, for that matter.”
The sticky blue pegasus frowned at her. “Hey!”
“Figure of speech, dear...”
“Mmmff... whatever...”
“I see where the Mayor is going with this,” Cheerilee said. “When the cards are stacked against us, what speaks louder than words?”
“Belching?” Rainbow said.
“Bits!” Redheart gasped.
“Er... I knew that.” The pegasus blushed.
“Quick!” The Mayor shouted towards an assistant as she pointed feverishly towards the city archives. “Grab my little black book! I know exactly who to call!”
Cheerilee gasped. “You do?!”
“Yes!” The Mayor grinned a crescent moon. “And she’s just the pony we need for this situation and this situation alone!”
“You’re kidding me...” Rainbow Dash turned to gaze towards a wall that nopony had bothered to look at all this time. “But just who would be crazy and badflank enough to take on an entire cave full of demon spiders without giving a darn?”
The next day, at dawn...
Things were quiet at first. Stupidly quiet. They were about to get stupidly noisy.
The spiders guarding the entrance to the cave anticipated nothing. They squirmed and crawled along the rocky mouth to the entrance, spinning white rope out from their spinnerets, twitching every now and then with felicitous spasms, as invertebrates evacuating the contents of their silk glands through spinnerets are apt to do. They communicated with clattering little clicks of their pedipalps, like giant demon crabs talking through hairy maracas.
At last, something rolled over the foliage and through the tree trunks of the emerald forest behind them. Both oversized arachnids spun towards the east end of Everfree, their twelve eyes collectively squinting.
Gradually, like a victorious siren rising in pitch and intensity, a wave of music rolled over the hill. Her figure followed soon after, a lithe and stupefyingly athletic silhouette rolling sensually against the rising sun. A pink coat shone in the morning glow like liquid dragon fire, complemented by a dazzling array of violet armor plates that rattled around the mare’s taut muscles in metaphysical cadence to the already bombastic tune that humped the air. With a toss of her mane, she spun dew drops into the burning sky, which consequently cast a kaleidoscopic gleam across her shiny unicorn horn and sly bedroom eyes of living purple.
By this point, the music was deafening. This would probably have meant something if the spiders had ears. Instead, they could only sit and gawk with their fanged mandibles flexing awkwardly in the foggy atmosphere that had been disturbed by this most epic of epic entrances.
“Hmmmmm...” Amethyst Star, the one and only, the excellence of execution, the showstopper, paused to breathe in the air. “Never too early to swallow chitin and piss out fire.” Her manure-eating grin pivoted three hundred and sixty degrees, and so did her voice, “Hey! Pack horse! Make like tomatoes and catch up! And turn the volume to max, will ya?! I swear I can still hear the trees farting!”
“Nnnngh...” Trembling, stumbling forward with one quivering hoof after another, a petite pegasus stallion rounded the hill, carrying the mother of all boomboxes across his poor, bent back. This was on top of already having to weather a supremely taxing amount of weapons, rope, first aid kits, and camping equipment that had been stuffed into a pair of bulging saddlebags on either side of his timid orange figure. “Please, Miss Star... w-we’ve worked together for how l-long? Six years?”
“Mmmm... since last Tuesday, right?”
“Six years, Miss Star.” He slumped to a stop beside her sexily armored figure, heaving and panting. “Would it k-kill you to call me by my real name for once: ‘Razzberry?’”
“Shhhh!” She raised a hoof to her pretty muzzle and forced the two of them to squat low. “Be quiet, pack horse. Our enemy is afoot!” Her grin widened even more as she pointed at the first of the two cretins. “And a foot and a foot and another foot...”
“Uhm...” Razzberry squirmed, his ears twitching from the painful decibels of the music blaring over his soft, black mane. “How can we be quiet with this goddessawful bass beat waking up the entire forest?”
“...and another foot and then another—”
“Miss Star!” Razzberry hissed with a frown.
“Do you smell that, pack horse?” Amethyst Star rambled like a pony in the spotlight of an unskippable cutscene. “The protein decay of spent cobwebs... the sour stink of bioluminescent mildew... the fishy odor of cave lichen... the tell-tale whiff of five mares evacuating their bowels and other assorted orifices...”
“Erm...”
“I smell a paycheck!” she sing-songed, her left eye twitching in alternating pulses with her right. “Mmmm--Goddess, I could shower in the stuff!” She stood back up, cracking her joints within open view of the two wary eight-legged guards. “After this, pack horse, we are so hitting up IHOP.”
Razzberry squinted quizzically up at her “International House of Parasprites?”
“You get to tip, of course...” She pivoted her neck from side to side, crackling the last few joints. “That’s what stallions are good for, after all, right after dodging the draft and pissing while standing up.”
“Yes, well—”
“Especially when running from bazooka-toting mutant rodents.”
Razzberry frowned with a brief show of consternation. “Those squirrels are the reason why I can’t tip when we go out for Parasprite sandwiches, Miss Star! They took my wallet and entire fortune while I was incarcerated behind enemy lines for two months before you rescued me...” Then, with a melancholic expression, he hung his head and waveringly murmured, “Not to mention something f-far more precious and dear—”
“Yes, yes, whatever.” Amethyst Star’s glinting teeth matched a pair of curved machetes so sharp that they sang in the air when she telekinetically unsheathed them from her armored holsters. “Time to see how much metal I can fit into these buggers’ cloacas.”
“Uhm... Miss Star?” Razzberry shouted, only to realize that the music track had ended. Clearing his throat, he shifted the weight of the dead silent boombox across his back and muttered, “I don’t think arachnids use those for reproduction—”
“Well, all the more reason for me to carve them some!” That said, the mare boldly marched towards the twin tarantular figures with her blades hovering by her side. “Hey! Crotch faces! What’s long, sharp, shiny, and is just begging for you to sit on—?!”
With a banshee shriek, one of the two hulking monstrosities flew at the unicorn with all eight legs flailing. Amethyst took the brunt of the impact to the chest and fell back on her flank.
“Ooofl—Woo doggy!” She blocked its fangs just millimeters from sinking into her jugular with a pair of criss-crossing machetes. “So that’s how you like it, ya tart! Rgggg-graalllragahh!” With a gluttonous warcry, she rolled and wrestled across the dewy grass before the cave entrance.
Razzberry, in the meantime, watched with a permanently wincing expression. The stallion was mostly ignorant of a colorful figure trotting up to his side. With twitching eyes, Rainbow Dash gawked at the scene.
“Uhm... what,” she grunted. “Just... what.”
“She’s... uhhhh...” Razzberry brought a shaking hoof up to his muzzle and scratched just below his left ear with a nervous smile. “She’s gauging the might of our enemy.”
“By doing what? Putting the spider into a sharpshooter?”
“Well... uhm... sh-she’s known as the ‘excellence of execution—’”
“Man, shuddup!” Rainbow Dash spat, pointing at Amethyst as the unicorn mounted the writhing spider like a mare of the night and started thrusting both daggers down into its soft belly. “I had to waste my college fund of twenty smackaroos on hiring this lady to rescue my friends and here she is treating the job like an open mosh pit!”
“Really?” Razzberry leaned curiously forward. “You were gonna go to college?”
“I was...”
“What for?”
Rainbow Dash proudly stuck her muzzle skyward. “Psychology.”
“Oooh...” Razzberry winced. “Good thing the spiders happened.”
Rainbow blinked. “Buh?” She flinched as a sudden wave of spidery goo doused her figure. “Gah! Jeez!”
“Mwahahahahahahwhwegh!” Amethyst victoriously undulated. She dismounted the hollowed-out, twitching husk of a spider that lay beneath her. “In three years, Colt-Cola is gonna reveal their secret formula. And guess who’s not gonna be friggin’ around for it?!” she shouted before spitting into the creature’s hollow shell.
The second guard shrieked and charged her on eight bounding legs.
“Oh, you want some righteous croutons on your salad too?!” Amethyst rapturously licked the spider-gunk off the tip of her blade and spun like a possessed air conditioning fan towards her foe. “Come swim in it!”
The forest filled with singing metal and flying arachnid innards. Rainbow Dash winced, her face turning green at multiple intervals Razzberry calmly turned towards her and spoke:
“If you’re not satisfied with the nature of Miss Star’s service, you can cancel the venture and receive fifty percent of the total price refunded—”
“Er... n-no, it’s not that...” Rainbow Dash had to hold a hoof over her muzzle to keep her breakfast down. “I was just wondering if she had to do things so... so...”
“Hmm?” Razzberry asked, nonchalantly ignoring a spray of entrails over his flank and the boombox.
“It’s... a word starting with a ‘k’...”
“Oh really...?”
“Kinesthetic!” Rainbow blurted with a proud smile.
Razzberry sighed out his nose and looked away, “Psychology, huh...?”
“Look, can she just hurry up and get to my friends, please?”
“Is that why you’re here?”
“Do I look like a tour guide?!” Rainbow frowned. “Besides, you’re... like... her personal helper or something, not like you’re doing a very good job of it.”
“What...?” Razzberry murmured. He then gasped, his eyes moistening in a starry fashion. “Oh, goddess, y-you’re in it with the squirrels, aren’t you?”
“HAH!” Amethyst Star jumped out of the carnage, her violet armor plates utterly soaked with spider insides. “I have tasted of the enemy and he could use some more time on the stovetop!”
“But, like, they were just guarding the mouth of the cave!” Rainbow said with a voice crack. “There’re literal buckets of the baddies from here to the deepest point!”
“You strike me as a mare who’s used to dealing with buckets of stuff,” Amethyst jubilantly throated.
“Excuse me...?”
“Mmmmm... I can smell the acoustics of the place through my ears,” Amethyst said, shaking the rest of the spider-blood off her face with a toss of her well-conditioned mane. “We need to make this biblical. Concordance included. Pack horse!”
“Nnnnngh...” Razzberry lethargically shuffled up to her side. “You called, Miss Star?”
“Play that... uh... that one track,” she said, tapping the boombox with a soaking wet machete. “The sexy one.”
“Uhhhh... Oh, you mean the opening track to Neighvana’s album Nevermare?”
“No no no...” Amethyst Star turned to frown at him. “Track number eleven from the Blood Red Mix...”
Again, Razzberry sighed. He raised his wings and used the wingtips like dragon digits to turn the boombox’s knobs. “But you always make me play the Blood Red Mix!”
“That’s because it’s my favorite, not yours! Otherwise, we’d call it the Yellow Belly Mix!”
“Yes, well...”
“Because you’re always rolling in it.”
“I think that maybe—”
“P-P-P-P-Pack horse!”
He frowned, snarling, “I think that maybe we should go about this quietly, since our client’s friends are in such deep trouble and crud.”
“Yes, what he said!” Rainbow Dash said, trotting alongside the two with her sticky wings twitching. “But mostly the crud!” At the sound of an epic orchestral overture blaring from the speakers, she did a double-take. “Oh, you gotta be kidding me... Richard Wagneigh?!”
“Hey!” Amethyst Star squawked as she began trotting towards the dark cave. “Don’t knock the classics, or I’ll have the mind to kick your pot’o’gold, Rainbimbo!”
“There are plenty of things in this world that I would like to knock,” Rainbow Dash grumbled. “Classical music is not one of them... and it’s most certainly not you!”
“Give it time,” Razzberry said.
“Snkkt—Shut up!”
“This music is necessary!” Amethyst Star gargled, her violet eyes happily rolling as she stumbled hungrily into the cavernous maw. “It’s the symphony to my bitchin’ ballet! Besides, my enemies are terrified by it! The little squirmy savages don’t know what to think when it hits them! It puts fear into their mortal carcasses; makes them shake in their godless, chitinous girdles! Once they’re nothing but a twitching ocean of scared-shitless shit-eaters, you can practically crowd surf on them! Now bring the boom box and no more muzzle-back!”
“But lady!” Rainbow Dash hollered, trying to speak over the offensively loud sound. “No pony in her right mind would surf in a cave!”
“Yeah, besides...” Razzberry whimpered with noticeable trembles as the dark interior gobbled them up. “This is spider territory! It’s hairy!”
Amethyst Star pointed at them with an angry hoof. “Spiders don’t surf!”
In such frenetic fashion, the three ponies marched down the labyrinthine limestone tunnels of the place, escorted by the pale light shimmering from Amethyst’s glowing horn. The walls reverberated with the bellicose blasts from Razzberry’s speakers, but that didn’t give him any added strength; not one bit. The petite stallion trembled, his body bent low like a broken drawbridge as he gazed at every skittering shadow about the place. Despite a severe lack of any eight-legged shapes, he quickened his hoofsteps, ultimately trotting straight into Amethyst’s armored rear. “Ooof!”
“Not now, pack horse. I’m working,” she grunted.
“Miss St-Star, I think we should double-back some,” he said between the cacophonous chattering of teeth. “For real, we’re in this really deep—”
“That’s what the hoofball team said to your mom twenty odd years ago!” Amethyst Star said, turning to laugh. “Heheheheh—” Her skull collided with a stalactite. “Buckamonkey!” She rubbed her pink, pink face. “Ungh... Where’d that come from?”
“The tunnels here are getting shallower,” Rainbow Dash said in a disquieting tone. She gazed left and right across the penumbra of Amethyst’s hornglow “It’s right around this spot where I ran into the spider brood queen and her many children while escaping...”
“Yeesh...” Razzberry’s orange face twisted into a curious expression. “Just what does a spider queen look like?”
“Probably like something that puts on too much lace and makeup for a saturday evening.” Amethyst Star cracked her joints again and exhaled. “Alright... Cut the music. They’re obviously too afraid of us. This calls for some stinking thinking.”
Rainbow Dash gawked at her. “Stinking... thinking...?”
“Yes. Resorting to dirty, underhoof tactics, and I’m not talking about Detrot Softball.” Amethyst turned around, rubbing her chin in thought. “What we need is some young, nubile spider bait.”
“Uh... spider bait?” Razzberry switched the boom box off and glanced over. “But you didn’t ask m-me to pack any of that, Miss Star.”
“Sure, I didn’t!” And with that said, Amethyst did a sexy pirouette and bucked the stallion upside the flank.
“Gaaaaah!” Razzberry flew, rolled, and tumbled like an orange bag of meat into the next stretch of subterranean flooring. “Mmmmf... Nnngh...” He sat up, frowning hard enough to cut diamonds with his chin. “You... you walking space turd! What did you do that for—?”
“Wow! Jeez! Did you hear that, spider douches?!” Amethyst Star sang into the acoustical lengths of the dank, mildewy place. “It’s like the demon of Razzberry himself is out there! You better scurry on out and get a piece of that succulent incubus flank!”
Rainbow Dash squinted curiously at her. “Incubus... flank...?”
“All spiders come from Tartarus,” Amethyst Star said with a smug—albeit twitching grin. “Every foal knows that.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“Yeah, well, Cloudsdale is a long, long height to get dropped on your head.”
“Uhhh... Miss St-Star?!” Razzberry stood up, trembling in the darkness beyond her horn’s glow. “I-I’m not entirely sure this is what I signed up for! Couldn’t we just go b-back to the town for some ice cream sandwiches? It’s n-not like we’re gonna find the mares this way and... mmmf...” His nostrils flared. “Is that urine?” He looked straight down. “Oh, goddess damn it...”
“No, pack horse!” Razzberry cupped her mouth with two armored hooves. “Wake up! You’re not in the squirrel camp anymore!”
“It’s... I think... something’s different...” He made a face as the liquid bubbled up to his fetlocks. “Unless my pee is supposed to be green...”
“Well, then maybe you should have had yourself checked last time we passed through Key Whinny.”
“No... this is... I hear...” His expression paled as the shadows around him increased. “Scuttling?” He turned around, only to see his grimacing face reflected six bulbous times. A pair of fangs loomed over his twitching ears. “OhCelestiaImsosorryaboutallthecathuffing!”
“Crap on a bagel!” Rainbow’s voice cracked while she winced. The pegasus grabbed at her mane as she watched the hulking creature descend on the stallion. She was vaguely aware of a spiraling pink figure surging past her like a horizontal tornado of kitchen knives.
“Hooooooooooooooooo!” Amethyst Star more or less rotated into the drooling arachnid, blocking its mandibles with both machetes. Her eyes rolled back in the heat of the moment, and her rippling feminine muscles shoved the thing back into a wall of spiked stalagmites. The bulbous thing imitated a scream as well as its mandibles could afford, and its spindly legs bent inwards, preparing to leap across the shadowed domain and into safety.
But a certain psychopath in armor was not about to have any of it. Amethyst reached straight through the eight joints, slapped her hoof against its forehead, and then elbowed the creature hard between the second and third eyes.
The stagecoach-sized spider froze in place, suddenly overcome with intense paralysis.
“What...” Rainbow Dash trotted forward. “What did she just do...?”
“Nggghh...” Razzberry stood up, brushing dust and spider drool off his coat. “She hit its nerve spot. It can’t move.”
“Wait... Huh?!” Rainbow Dash did a double-take. “How the heck does that even work?! It’s got a friggin’ shell for skin!”
“Yes...” Razzberry couldn’t help but weather a dreamy sigh as his lips curved. “She’s just that awesome...”
“Now then...” Amethyst Star paced before the spasmodic invertebrate, telekinetically juggling her blades past a grinning expression. “Pretty pretty princess, Iet’s have a little talk, or else I might hit you someplace where even the lichen wouldn’t grow.”
“Snkkkkkt-clk-clk-clk-clk...” The spider hissed between jerky movements of its mostly dormant pedipalps. “You cannot hope to win againssssst the queen’ssssssss brood, daughter of sssssky horse...”
“I thought these creepy melon bucks didn’t have ears,” Rainbow Dash droned.
“Hey!” Amethyst giggled like an electrocuted crow. “For once, her head doesn’t leak only color! Ahem... Pack Horse...?”
Razzberry sighed. He trotted over to the discarded saddlebags, rummaged through them, and trotted back with a pair of ping-pong paddles. “Here you go. Remember to punctuate—”
“Yeah, I’ll remember to punctuate your sister. Step aside.” Amethyst Star trotted in front of the creature. Putting on a stupidly serious face, the unicorn rotated, spun, and pivoted the paddles on either side of her head while enunciating her words with exaggerated intensity. “DO. YOU. KNOW. WHERE. THE. QUEEN. IS. KEEPING. THE. FOXY. LADIES?”
The victimized spider hissed long and hard before spouting out, “Indubitablyyyyy...”
“Hey!” Amethyst smiled over her shoulder. “Now we’re going somewhere! Ahem...” She and the paddles turned once again to face the cretin. “ARE. ANY. OF. THEM. CARRYING. A. COLTSCO. MEMBERSHIP. CARD.”
“Hey!” Rainbow Dash angrily swapped Amethyst’s horn from behind. “Cut to the chase!”
“Ow!” Amethyst rubbed her head and glared at the mare. “I was hungry for croissants like they sell by the dozen!”
“You can buy all the saran-wrapped bread you want with the payment. Now ask her where my friends are!”
“Nnnngh... Fine.” Amethyst turned to the creature again. “WHERE. CAN. I. FIND. THE. COLORFUL. HORSE’S. B.F.F.S?”
“Snkkkt-Clk-Clk-Clk-Clk... The rightmossssssst tunnel... Forty pacesssss... Down in the breeding hole,” the spider slurred. “About to be introduced to their own breeding holesssss...”
“THANK. YOU. FOR. HELPING. US. HELP. YOU. HELP. US.” Amethyst lowered the paddles, smiling victoriously at the other two. “See? I can do things civil.”
“What do we do with the creature now, Miss Star?” Razzberry asked.
“Hmmm. Right. Lemme give it the international sign language for ‘goodbye.’” She spun about and, in one single movement, flung a paddle handle-deep into the center of its vulnerable forehead. Green ooze spilled onto the rocky floor as the creature fell limp on a bed of its own twitching limbs. “Right. To the rightmost tunnel and then the spider bordello.”
“Ah jeez... Ah jeez...” Rainbow Dash bit on the edge of a hoof as she trudged alongside the one and a half beast-hunters. “We’re gonna be too late! I-I just know it!”
“What’s that?” Amethyst stammered as she led the way down a steep bank of segmented rock. “I can’t hear you over the sound of muffled mares’ cries!”
“H-huh?!” Rainbow Dash sputtered, wide eyed.
“Oh... er... what I meant to say was...” Amethyst grinned wide. “I can totally hear the cries of your friends! Down there! Hear it?” She pointed into a cavernous nook covered from wall to wall with stretchy white webbing.
“Uhhhh...” Rainbow Dash stepped up until she was flank-and-flank with the spider slayer. “Where at? I can’t see them where you’re pointing.”
Razzberry walked up and said, “Maybe it’s past all of the wiggling legs.”
“Daaaaa-gi-gi-gi-gi!” Rainbow Dash jumped behind the other two as a mass of limbs and mandibles suddenly swarmed their way. “Okay, guys! Earn your bits! Earn your mother-bucking-bits!” She winced as if she was giving birth to an iceberg.
“Pack horse!” Amethyst stood before the surging, hissing masses, stretching a hoof out. “Helmet! Now!”
“Give ‘em Tartarus, Miss Star!” He exclaimed, passing her a violet headpiece.
“I’ll give them more than that,” Amethyst said, sliding the helmet on around her horn. She crouched low besides twin blades as she licked her pink lips. “I’ll give them me.”
“Goddess, I love it when she says that,” Razzberry cooed.
“Get a room!” Rainbow snarled.
“The marines are here!” Amethyst cackled as she dove cyclonically into the writhing phalanx of eight-legged goombas. In deep, swathing slashes, she cleaved the onslaught to pieces. Her machetes orbited her like tiny metal moons, reflecting her bedazzling pink features in slow motion between each righteous hack-and-slash. She paused long enough in the midst of her victorious stabbing to take a deep breath or two, her lithe muscles rising and falling with the feminine grace of a twin-sized waterbed before she was once again leaping upon the invertebrate hive to murder murder murder murder...
“Holy hayburgers,” Rainbow Dash murmured.
“I know, right?” Razzberry smiled aside at her. “It’s as though the universe plopped down a pink plushie taped to a chainsaw!”
“Yeah, but might she be biting onto more than she can chew?”
“Lady, have you seen her teeth?” The stallion jumped excitedly and point. “Oooh! I love this part! This is the bloody part!”
“Be more specific...”
“Hiyooo!” Amethyst Star slashed the heads off of two spiders and braced the bull-rush of a mutated black widow the size of a minotaur. She dragon-bucked it in the mandibles, spun on her flank, and slashed two of its legs off in one single swipe. The monster fell forward on its uneven weight, but Amethyst gave it little to no rest. Gripping its severed limbs in the crook of her hooves, she stabbed them like spears into its spongy face, then pole-vaulted up onto the thing’s bulbous backside. Sliding across the crimson hourglass of the collapsing black widow, she threaded her way violently through a line of daddy-long-legs, smacking their tiny thoraxes like coconuts with merciless swings of the twin limbs in her grasp. Any creature that refused to fall to the ground from her punishment got a swift stab from her machetes that never ceased for one second to follow her-—floating—into the fray.
“Yeah, okay...” Rainbow Dash grinned from where she stood just outside the splash zone of the holocaustal melee. “That’s pretty dayum specific.”
“Heheh... I thought as much.”
Rainbow pointed. “I particularly liked the part where she killed spiders.”
“I am interfaced!” Amethyst warbled. She came out of a terrific spin in an organic crater of mangled spider guts. The limbs dropped from her hooves as she teetered left and right, her cute eyes rotating to a cute stop in the middle of her cute face. “Heehee... nnnngh, Celestia, it’s like tesla coils are making love to each other in my ovaries...”
“Hckkkk-Enoughhhhhhckkk!” Without a second warning, a gigantic spiked limb swept in from the darkness, smacking the unicorn off her hooves.
“Oompha!” Amethyst landed hard on her flank. She made up for it with a nimble backflip and a reverse slide. Gritting her teeth, she brandished her machetes in time to greet the thudding entrance of a creature so large, even her glowing horn couldn’t illuminate a quarter of the bulbous thing’s necrotic face.
“Oh jeez... it’s her,” Rainbow Dash said, bowing low with folded ears as she and Razzberry cowered along the edge of the scene.
Even the many arachnid minions drew away as their colossal matriarch took center stage, her six mucusy eyes looming above the smexy pink equine. A pair of pedipalps drooled and quivered like two hollow slime-filled tree trunks as she lowered her maw just low enough to breathe into Amethyst’s face, blowing the pony’s bangs aside. “You who would be the bane of my precioussssss children...” Tiny white spiders with translucent limbs crawled in and out of the monster’s flaring orifices as it hissed and panted like an asthmatic lobster. “Do you realize what you are interfering with?”
“Hey...” Amethyst bore a devilish smirk. “When I wreck your shit, I really wreck your shit...”
“This wasssssss to be New Arachnia! The gloriousssss utopia of chitinousssss kind everywhere!” She hissed and wheezed some more, filling the sticky walls of the cavern with the smell of vinegar and vomit. “Hccccccc-clk-clk-clk-clk! From the belliesssss of these poniesssss would rise the superior race of tomorrow, primed for the fated plundering of all glorioussssss resourcesssssss everywhere and—”
“Yeah, uh, hold that thought,” Amethyst said, her horn glowing.
“Oh...” The queen’s six eyes twitched. “Uhhh... Okay—”
Amethyst promptly spun in a circle and heaved both of her machetes full-force into the queen’s looming skull.
“Graaaaaulckkkkk!” The entire cave shook as the monster reeled back from the skewering blow. Pale spiders scuttled over the oozing wounds as it shook its blind skull left and right. “Why you—hckkkkk-clk-clk-clk-clk—-pink little sssssssshit!”
“Who else but Amethyst?” The mare hissed through grinning teeth as every plate of armor across her body glowed brighter than the sun. The cave lit up as if a lunar nuke was going off, and suddenly all of the armor pieces were levitating directly in front of her. Rotating about, the plates solidified into a gigantic bastard sword. Twirling the massive, segmented claymore with vigor, the unicorn struck a stupidly awesome pose in all her bare naked glory. “With this sword, I thee whacked!” She screamed into the darkness, then promptly chased after the echoing trail of her own voice, letting it guide her across the telephone pole legs of the reeling titan.
“Raaaughht—Knock it off, you ssssssstupid horsssssse whore!” Just like that, the spider queen felt one of its limbs being severed down the center. “Auggh! No! Not what I meanttttt—Oh dear spider god it hurtsssss!”
Rainbow couldn’t help but wince as the carnage reached a new level of beautific absurdity. In the meantime, Razzberry cleared his throat and casually turned to speak to the mare. “So, we accept cash or credit. If you’re short on bits, we can stretch the payment over the course of two years, with interest, of course. Any questions?”
“Uhhhh... y-yeah...” Rainbow Dash pointed with a suddenly dainty hoof at the flank of the massacring mare. “The cutie mark on her flank: exactly what do three blue diamonds have to do with slaying spiders?”
Amethyst Star slid backwards from her last blow and leaned on the sparkling sword. “It means shut the buck up and let me soak up the spotlight!” she hissed, short on breath. One of the queen’s last remaining limbs stabbed down at her. Amethyst jumped the blow, ran up the leg, and did some sort of crazy, indescribable, mid-air somersault thing. Whatever the case, one pedipalp flew off the spider’s face, landing heavily on the ground like a leather bag full of anvils. No sooner was Amethyst done with this atrocity when she started sawing away at the other limb.
“Oh, for the love of puppiesssss, at leasssssst let me keep one—!”
“Keep this!” Amethyst’s horn glowed, and once the last pedipalp fell down, she levitated it, skewered the thing with her sword, and shoved it straight down the matriarch’s gaping throat like a shrimp sample. “Yeahhhh, from the stable of hard knocks with love, motherbucker!”
“Hlbllbbckkkktt—Ptooie!” The queen spat the oozing body part out and stumbled back on three stubby limbs. Several skittering minions submissively retreated along either side of her as she slid forever into the dark. “Hckkk-clk-clk-clk-Ssssscrew this. I sssssshould have ssssstuck with the psych major anywayssssssnkkkt...”
“Go back to the shower drain, you big bag of caterpillar farts! Woo!” Amethyst Star tossed her sword up, allowed it to flip upside down and break apart... so that each glowing plate showered back into place across her figure, strategically armoring the sweaty unicorn back up. “You... got beat up by a girl sucker! Unnf! It’s like I’m at a doughnut factory and I’m all out of sprinkles!” She spun with a twitching grin. “Please tell me there’s still something left to horribly hack to pieces.”
“I’m afraid not!” Rainbow Dash’s voice cracked as she slid into the puddly remains of the fray. “Everypony! Shhhh! Quiet!” She craned her neck towards a massive curtain of white webbing. “I gotta listen for my friends!”
“If they’re trying to applaud, they’re about seven legs and two pedipalps too late.”
“Shut it!” Rainbow hissed. “For real!” She listened hard, her heart beating through to her blue chest. Just then, she heard the faintest of muffled shouts. Grinning wide, she pointed into the mountain of white blobs. “Here! Quick! Let’s get the silk off my marefriends!”
“Celestia, if I had a bit for everytime I heard that,” Razzberry begai.
“Ahem. Pack horse...”
The stallion sighed. “Right, right...” He pulled a pickaxe out from his saddlebags and began slicing and dicing. Amethyst Star joined the motions with her machetes. In no time whatsoever, they uncovered the first of several ponies, starting with a gasping pink face.
“Pinkie Pie!” Rainbow Dash sputtered. “You’re still alive!”
“And you didn’t bring Dr. Pony!” the mare frowned. “For real, Dashie! Did your head become two colors thicker?—Whoah!” She grunted, wide eyed, as the pegasus suddenly tossed her aside.
“Where’s Applejack?!” Rainbow squeaked, digging and digging at the slimy nook.
“Say, do these belong to you?” Amethyst smiled as she levitated two unicorns out from their oozing fetters.
“Aaaaaaieeee!” Rarity shrieked and flailed, spitting up slime and spider goo. “Get me out! Get me out! I want out of this cave!” She caterwauled at the full extent of her elegant lungs. “I don’t wish to see another ounce of silk ever again! Shun! Shunnnn!”
“Rainbow!” Twilight gasped. “Fluttershy! Quick! You have to get to her!”
“Mmmmmmmm...” Rainbow Dash cooed, eyes shut and cheeks rosy, as she gave a certain farm mare a long, enduring nuzzle. “Yeah, I’ll get right on thatttt...”
Applejack coughed and sputtered, squinting suddenly at the pegasus who had freed her. “Hold on, now...”
“Hey... uh...” Razzberry looked over from where he was dragging a limp yellow body loose from the cobwebs. “Is this a fluttering shy? It kind of looks like a shy that flutters...”
“Oh no!” Twilight cried, eyes wide, as Amethyst floated her and Rarity to the ground. She immediately galloped over to the spasming mare’s side. “Not Fluttershy! The queen must have gotten to her first!”
“Pffft...” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Well, of course she did—Guh!”
Applejack pushed Rainbow aside and joined the other marefriends squatting around their yellow-coated companion. “Heavens to Betsy... this is plum awful! How come we didn’t hear nothin’ from her the whole time?”
“I dunno, let’s ask her new friends!” Pinkie Pie lowered her fuzzy head down to Fluttershy’s noticeably rumbling tummy. “Hey, do any of you itty bitty spiders know why Fluttershy’s been quiet this whole time?”
“You crazy?!” Razzberry shoved Pinkie Pie back. “Don’t get any closer! She’ll be bursting at the belly any second!”
“But she’s our friend...” Twilight Sparkle spoke, sniffling. “How could we have let this happen to her...?”
“Say, didn’t you guys have a dragon whelp around here?” Amethyst asked.
“A dragon. Yes, I do suppose,” Rarity half-heartedly mumbled, then loomed over Fluttershy with a sad expression. “Oh, Fluttershy, darling. After all those get togethers at the spa... all those lessons I gave you about guarding a lady’s throat...”
“Reckon she ain’t down for the count!” Applejack said, then gasped suddenly as the pegasus started to stir. “Look! She’s coming to!”
“Fluttershy?” Twilight knelt down. “Honey, speak to us...”
“Broccoli.. and grilled cheese...” Fluttershy slurred.
“That’s the first sign,” Razzberry droned. “I’d give it five minutes before she blows.”
“Didja hear that, Fluttershy?” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “There’s a party in your belly and you weren’t invited!”
“That explains all of the squirming,” Fluttershy spoke between drops of bile. She hiccuped. “And clicking...”
“Rainbow, I’m glad that you brought us some h-help...” Twilight brought a hoof up to wipe her tears dry. “But, now that it’s come to th-this, I... I-I just don’t know what to think...”
“Ahem...” Amethyst Star smugly brushed all of the worrying mares aside. “Fear not, oh ye with deep bit bags. It so happens that I do not excel only in the lopping of limbs and the gouging of eye sockets. Why, I am well acquainted with that which is soft, gentle, and most decidedly vertebrate.”
“What in tarnation is she goin’ on about?” Applejack asked.
“Beats me,” Rainbow Dash hummed, suddenly draped over the farm mare’s supple flank with a drunken smile. “Mmmmmmmm...” She cuddled three red apples. “Just watch her and the universe sort of just explodes all by itself...”
“I don’t get it—urp!” Fluttershy nearly upchucked as her belly rumbled like a bag full of vibrating marbles. “Just who—urp—are you?”
“I...” Amethyst tilted Fluttershy’s chin up and swallowed her face with amorous, bedroom eyes. “I am but a pony who’s also gifted in kindness. And, like you, I wish to share that which is in my element... so that you may lose that which is inside yours...”
“I...” Fluttershy’s lips quivered as her eyelashes fluttered. “I feel... like a school filly all over again f-for some reason...”
“Yeah... let’s just run with that...” And, like magic, Amethyst’s lips made contact with the pegasus’. “Mmmmmmm...” Both mares kissed like the soft, introductory throes to a sacred honeymoon, their mutual inhales and exhales filling the cave with a songlike cadence.
Applejack stood numbly still. Twilight raised an eyebrow while Pinkie Pie scratched her head.
“Well... uhm...” Rarity chuckled nervously. “It’s somewhat... touching, in a way...”
“Yeah, well, prepare to be touched,” Razzberry said, suddenly blocking his face with an orange hoof.
“Huh? But they’re just—”
Suddenly, without warning, Amethyst kneed Fluttershy hard in the stomach. The pegasus’ entire body spasmed, quivered, then jolted with undulating motions of her head and neck. The eyes of the many ponies watched the writhing motions beneath the two mares’ flesh, traveling up Fluttershy’s esophagus and deep into the unicorn’s mouth and cheeks. Then, after the space of a few naked seconds, Amethyst parted the kiss, spun around, and upchucked a bubbling fountain of eggs, bile, and more eggs.
“Blaaaaughhhuluughuuu!” Rarity said, in that she was actually vomiting too, adding to the copious pile that was growing in front of the dashing heroine. She collapsed back into Pinkie Pie’s grasp as the party pony bounced and bounced.
“Hooray! It’s like my first date all over againnnn!”
The others watched in stunned silence as the moment passed between Fluttershy and Amethyst, a very sacred event: two mares and one cobweb. Twilight Sparkle blushed heavily. Applejack fanned herself. Rarity sat up, reeling, while Fluttershy curled into a fetal position with a sleepy grin plastered across her muzzle. As for Amethyst...
She inhaled deeply, filling the massive space of her lungs back up with oxygen. Just then, the vomitous pile of egg sacks in front of her started to hatch. Creeping, squirming things took their first infant breaths... only to be squashed to pulpy bits by the unicorn’s clashing machetes.
“So, then...!” Amethyst grinned beamingly, her face stained with bile and baby spider parts. “Who’s for IHOP?”
And Rarity threw up again.
This is a story for RazgrizS57
He didn’t ask for it
Cover art by Darkflame
Original pic sketch... lulz:
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It all makes perfect sense now.
i.imgur.com/aedIWVn.gif
That was a rather wonderful G-Doc experience.
2711479 Wasn't it though?
Did someone stream the g-doc experiment ?
2711487 no I lied
2711490 You disappoint Applejack.
2711491 fool I am Applejack
Also, you can never trust someone who doesn't lie. You know how those honest types are.
2711494 Well, I don't wanna spam this with comments, so I'll see you later in Skype.
.....
Sure, okay well that happened...
Oh, shortskirtsandexplosions, you do make me laugh so--much like the drunk frat boy after a few hits of weed laced with LSD-infused crack. And it is official, Amethyst Star is the best pony . . . and the motherflippin' boss. Thank you for the smiles, giggles, and brain aneurysm.
Glorious.
I don't know why but this feels like a Monty Python story/movie.
and it is just as good as one too.
I missed this? Well, damn. That irritating.
Still a fun read, though.
~Skeeter The Lurker
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Relevant on multiple levels.
This is what I get for thinking that there need to be more stories featuring Amethyst Star...
... Well... I'll just be... erm... grocery shopping? ehehe!
Well this is a thing that exists.
Um... That was...
Nope; didn't like it. Just no.
You just couldn't pass up on the Ponky.
You can just never pass up on the Ponky.
This is SS&E's 34th fic. Just sayin'.
Seriously, I have to ask:
WTFH is it with you and squirrels? They're everywhere!
Ha. You're funny, Skirts. Hope you took care of the spider on your curtain.
You had me at "Spider Slayer."
“Yeah, well, Cloudsdale is a long, long height to get dropped on your head.”
GREATEST LINE EVER
Yes, yes. Um... did anyone else get stuck on the first sentence?
2714357
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2712013 You should never pass up on the Ponky.
2714411 I never do. In fact, I have Space is a Waste playing on a different tab as I type this.
2714454 what is this "ponky?"
That was so weird, but I was too entertained to care.
2714683 Oh my god. You read SS&E's stuff and don't know who Ponky is?
here
aaandd...
here. Do your homework.
2714377
What happens when you find it? Will you stop searching then?
i need me a sequel!
cmon....cmon, you know you want to 
Omg...the links...I-I don't ev-OMGYOULINKEDTOARFENHOUSEILOVEYOU!!!
So... this is like the Michael Bay/Uwe Boll co-production modern updated version of "The Spiderses"?
Not to... point out anything for a crack fic but...
“With this sword, I thee whacked!”
“Celestia, if I had a bit for everytime I heard that,” Razzberry begai.
1. I dub thee whacked.
2. Began.
My head must be attached wrong if I can still do this sort of thing despite reading a crack fic on this scale.
Spiders, Spiders, a giant legion of Spiiiiiidersss!
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No, but seriously, is it bad that I read all of Amethyst's lines aloud in the TF2 Soldier's voice?
I know where this is going.
Well tickle my nipple and slap my ass with pancake, I thought this was a kinky clop fic
2714779
2714454
Shameless self-promotion is shameless...I made a typography of Space is a Waste.2717112 Nope my friend it be a wagon filled with gore and hilarity.
Shes like Juliet (Lollipop Chainsaw), Spike (Cowboy Bebop), And Bobob-bobo-bobo all mixed up in one. Fucking A awesome fic.
2717314 goddamnit, now I look like an idiot. I knew I recognized your name from somewhere,
Sorry about that.
Yeah, that seems like the most appropriate use of the phrase "Luna's nipples" possible.
Awesome! !!!!!!!
This was GLORIOUS.
HOLY SHIT.
My brainfarts just had brainfarts.
Why is it something related to My Little Pony was a better Duke Nukem than the actual Duke Nukem?
THIS REALLY NEEDS TO BE MADE INTO A MOVIE
I... I think my brain just had a short circuit.
Most likely an overload from the levels of 'Epic', 'Awesome', & 'Insanity' I just read.
You found the line labeled "Jumping the Shark" and then ran along it without missing a step!
This was just... I don't think there's an adequate word for how good and entertaining this was.
Such. Pure. Win!
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