• Member Since 6th Feb, 2014
  • offline last seen 14 hours ago

Autum Breeze

a home-grown australian who embraced being a member of the fandom 2 days before joining. Willingly delved into the fandom whole-heartedly and has never looked back


Part of the Five Score universe, by TwistedSpectrum, blending with Dust on the wind by Sparky Brony

Arch 1. Ben Smills worked hard to get where he is in life. He has a stable job, a wonderful girlfriend and a nice home to boot. It wasn't easy, having acquired a brain injury when he was seven and losing almost all his eyesight in his right-eye.

However, that all changed when he woke up to find a group of six bubbles on his flank and turned into a pony from a kid's television show.

Arch 2. When the portal closed, Derpy did not go through. She still needs to find Dinky and, with the help of those she met along her jounrey to the farm, she'll set out and find her daughter.

However, she hadn't really needed to look far, had she only done so sooner.

Tom Wills was Ben's best friend since they were little and Ben had always been protective of him. Tom was finally about to start uni two weeks after people had started turning into ponies.

His plans for uni are altered, however, when his hair suddenly turns bright blonde.

Not long after, other things start happening. He grows a tail, his ears move to the top of his head and become pony ears. He's turning into a pony and, if the fur colour of his ears is anything to go by, he's turning into Dinky Doo.

Will mother and daughter find each other, or will they're paths never cross?

Meant to also be a Slice of Life, but those tags don't like being together

Big thanks to my pre-readers kitsy-chan, exsnaggerwes and Phenrys.

Another big thanks to Sparky Brony for letting me write my fic to coinside with Dust on the wind.

And finally, a huge thanks to TwistedSpectrum for creating the original Five Score story in the first place.
Cover art from HERE

Apparently got into Popular Stories on 14/3/2016:rainbowderp: did not expect that

Chapters (14)
Comments ( 98 )

Am interesting start. I like that you are using the Derpy from SparkyBrony's story.

You need to go through and fix some of the spelling and grammar mistakes. There are a couple places where you left a word out completely, or used the wrong word.

I look forward to seeing more.

You love direct self-insertion, Autmn Breeze, don't ya?

Anyways, seems decent enough so far. I'll see.

looking really good.
a supper good job.
Harts Fire

I agree with Phenrys a vary good start and I am really liking it a hole lot.
yes there are a few spelling and grammar mistakes that code use looked at but it is stall a vary good first chapter.
good job A B

Harts Fire

a really good chapter to build the mane story.
As Luna would say the fun has ben doubled.

Harts Fire

Party Favor from season 5 a vary nice touch.
the story is really forming up now. but ware is dinky and sparkler? this may get interesting if and when they show up dinky is a blank flank so the person turning pony will have know idea what is going on :scootangel:
Harts Fire

A good start from a storytelling perspective.... I really loved the emotional impact of her fighting for just one more moment for Dinky. Very emotional and powerful.

:sigh: on to the technical perspective... Pacing is too fast, while dust is fast, this is race car fast, need to take your time with the description and talking about what is happening. You also need to work on editing, or get a good editor. This story has fantastic potential, and I love how the characters have been built. Keep it up.

May I just note before reading, Divided is spelled wrong in your title. You're missing an "i" I believe.

So yeah, fun is fun. We were hoping maybe he'd try some of those "horse food" items, but that will come later I suppose,
Keep going! ;)

Hey, looks like I caught this just after an update!
Mmmm, stallion musk. Great stuff....
We don't think she's got 340 degree vision, that's only 20 degrees short of a full circle. More like 220 degrees maybe, since Mlp ponies have more human-like eyes than pony-like (despite the size). Of course, eye movement provides the rest, but it depends on how your using it, and it seems you imply and has that viewing range constantly.
Liking the implementation though, flying is hard enough when you can see straight!
Keep going! ;)

You know, it’s not easy getting this kind of job, especially when you’ve got a brain injury that you’ve had since you were seven and pretty much have no eyesight in your right eye due to an operation to help with said brain injury.

Don't I know it. I'll never be able to fly because I'm color blind and near-sighted. I'm not sure how depth perception would fair, but I won't question it.

I look back at her for a moment, giving a sad smile, then buck, hard, sending her flying away from me, just as the white light hits me.

call me crazy, but this looks inspired by kanashiipanda.

It's the last thing I hear before my consciousness fades

I really like this scene. The whole thing felt inspiring and it flowed well, despite the grammatical quirks, which I will try to point out in pre reading your latest chapters as you send them to me.

We’d gone at it till well after midnight.

You're not hardcore until after 600h. On an unrelated note, look at the time!:rainbowwild:

You really don’t remember saying it, or anything bakery or mail related?

"I want my muffins slapped! I want my mailbox stuffed!"

I was a letter box and you were the postman.

Inbox-chan inside joke recieved :raritywink:

I love it already! Keep up the good work, nice job. :)

love the new chapter, the story is really picking up speed and going places.
good job A B keep up the good work.
Harts Fire

Ashley had woken with markings? If so, why was she working and not trying to figure those markings out.

Not only that, but it's also a Sunday.

They both looked like a balloon animals with streamers coming from behind it

This is the second time I've seen a s5 pony from that episode in 5s.
Ash's phallus would not be a man's, but a horse's.
Ashley is very trusting of strangers she just met.
Even if the show is too much to describe in a fanfic, the characters still require a proper introduction beyond name. Even though most of us frequently watch mlp, all ponies tend to be described at some point or another in fanfics they star or cameo in. A simple "this character is tall, old, and intimidating" would suffice in this case to describe a random guard or pawn store clerk.

Your pacing for the first chapter was just fine. This chapter is too fast in comparison, and I think a lot more could or would have happened in a situation in real life. Having seen some of the show in question, I highly doubt the workers would have a personal conversation in the store unless you brought in the ACTUAL sapphire statue from Daring Do.
You mentioned the guards, but left out the camera crew.

Yeah, the CDC are going to get a lot of hate for thier stupidity.
Keep going! ;)

ok then I am really surprised with this story.
I do not mean to offend you AB as you are a good author but when we talked about a 5s story I was not 100% sure you would be able to pull it off.
Dam was I wrong this story is really going places and looking supper good congratulations on this story and you should be happy with your achievement in this work of art.

Harts Fire

6084015 Remember at this point in the story, the CDC is running with a mandate, use any means possible to contain and find a cure.

Spectrum corporation has been outsourced and is carrying out dissections and tests on both living and dead ponies.

Eh it's got promise.

After 5 years of nothing but, I may be starting to get really tired of best mom Derpy w/Dinky stories...

6087802 hey, Ep 100 Gave Derpy so much personality. They show she isn't an idiot but someone very very gentle kind and caring.

All right, let's see what we have here. :pinkiecrazy:
It can be a good story, but some things don't let it shine properly.
First, the characters. There are many of them, but none have gotten enough time to really open up. Brief descriptions, a bit of dialogue, next one please. That's for the most, besides Derpy herself, but even her character is mostly glossed over. Also, they are not really reacting to the change, at least, I can't see it in the story - they are mildly annoyed at most. They act like people who've read the entire Five Score group here. :facehoof:
Second, the pacing. Oh, I long for the day when someone will invent the brakes for the authors. Half of the problems with characters are from the fact that you don't slow down for anyone... except sometimes you take some time to describe things that don't really matter. You spent more lines on breakfast composition than on your main character genderswap. :twilightangry2:
Third. The canon breaches. You place things like Seattle explosion on the news a day before Twilight Sparkle regrew her tail. You placed Party Favor on Discord's list before the M6. Timeline of FS is pretty simple, so such things are easy to notice. (though, most of those are easy to fix by shifting Derpy's birthday to 3 days later than it's now)
And the fourth, grammar and punctuation. Even I can spot many, many errors. Please, do something about it. :applecry:
That was bad parts. Now, to the good ones.
The premise is interesting. I don't remember a story in FS-verse to really tackle the relationship between pony-parents and pony-foals directly, everyone prefers simpler same-age groups or adoption. So, there are a lot of unexplored terrain there, and therefore, a potential for a fresh story.
The character-building that you do have, is actually pretty good, and it's sad that you don't like to spend any time on it.
Some side characters are very well done too - maybe that's because you spend sometimes more time explaining them, than you spend on your main cast (Mr. Hiligan, is deeper than Party Favor, and somehow I doubt he'll be appearing much). Dream sequences are well done as well (too bad you tend to forget you had them after your characters have a token reaction on the most recent one).
Well, and the idea of the family on the run, while not too fresh and new, allows for some good action and interactions - if you manage to use it properly.

Well, that's all for now. I really hope some of this lengthy rant would help you make this story as good as it's supposed to be. :pinkiehappy:
And I'll be eternally grateful if you won't kill me with a chainsaw for it. :pinkiesad2:

> Ep 100 gave

but yeah it will be p. cool no doubt

6089517 hey I didn't say how or why... i even said less about it then in the commercials. just they gave derby a heart :)

6089517 aside from the fact that Derpy's name is now apparently Muffins.:ajbemused:

6069335 Okay, Crazy. actually, that wasn't inspired by that video at all. I was just really in the moment when i wrote that, i guess.


You placed Party Favor on Discord's list before the M6

Um, how? Discord clearly tells Party that the mane six were some of the first he'd sent away. How does that put Party before the mane six?

The proper order will be Celestia, then Twilight, then Shining Armor, then the rest of M6 (and a trial run on Irony the day before that).
Remember, the curse is exactly 25 years, so it falls in the same order it was put on, minding all the intervals. Therefore, Party running a day before Derpy, who have hers dropped early May 2nd, places him way before Twilight (she had her mark appear in the afternoon of May 1st).

6090797 Irony was taken about a week before the Mane 6.

6091161 My memory have failed me! :raritycry:

6091166 lol it helps that I'm playing a small part in the character's development.

Your concept is good, but your implementation leaves a lot to be desired.
Name memory in most Five Score fics (including the Dust group) is dependent on the ponies knowing each other prior to the curse, but I can't think of any reason for Party Favour and Derpy to know each other.
Drempt memories for Derpy have been coming harder and faster than for every pony I can think of other than ones that came up with some excuse to keep or regain their memories (such as the CMC). Recall that the mane 6 got only the memories of immediately before the curse and of names of ponies they knew, at least until Dash got everything all at once near the end.
Your CDC are incompetent. A strong quarantine means keeping people who are suspected of having a disease isolated from each other.
Your timing of events doesn't fit, especially regarding the events of Vancouver/Seattle; someone else already went through that part.
Party Favour is using magic instinctively but it took concentrated effort for the mane 6 unicorns to do it; there are plausible reasons to forgive this one though. And minor head canon break: Party Favour was never seen using magic in the show, but it came easily to him here; whether you think he can actually levitate stuff is up to your discretion, but I don't think he can.


Name memory in most Five Score fics (including the Dust group) is dependent on the ponies knowing each other prior to the curse, but I can't think of any reason for Party Favour and Derpy to know each other.

Well, maybe i've just not gotten to a memory of the two of them meeting, did you think of that?

And, as for recognition of a pony i give you a tidbit from the original.

I supplement Mac’s explanation for the sake of the other two mares at the table “You just look at pictures and say the name that comes into your head. If they have turned into ponies, your brain sort of slips and you find yourself saying their pony name. That’s how we knew Fluttershy was actually Fluttershy. We saw a picture of Fluttershy and Mac said Fluttershy instead of Fluttershy.”

The entire table turns to stare at me, even Mac looked up from book to look at me. I shrug my shoulders “What?”

AJ raises her eyebrow “Nothing, I think you just explained your point perfectly well there. Though it’s kind of scary that you seemed unable to recall Fluttershy’s human name.”

Mac looks back at Fluttershy’s album and flips a page, “Mary. Tom. Rick.”

I scratch my head, I forgot Fluttershy’s human name? No, it’s Fiona, it is still in my head. Did I really forget it back when I was talking about the name thing?

“Eve. Robert. Sunshine Clouds. Lemon Hearts. Adam. Rebecca...”

Three heads turn to stare at Mac, he looks up and nods slowly ”Yep, think I found two. Pretty sure those aren’t human names.”

I didn't forget that scene, I just assumed they were Ponyville ponies or otherwise ponies Mac had met before.

And you're right, I did jump to conclusions about Party Favour.


Your CDC are incompetent. A strong quarantine means keeping people who are suspected of having a disease isolated from each other.

That's why Hiligan hates them so much. They slackened on their job, thus causing him to lose his family

Woohoo! A new, decent-looking fivescore, finally. There's a few good fivescore fics that are ongoing, but for the most part, almost all of the fivescore fics are either dead, too atrocious to read, or some combination thereof. I'll be sure to check this out when I have the time. It shows promise.

Only one chapter in, and already lots of fun.

Several 'you're' where you meant 'your' and other errors, but enjoying it so far.

You have some spelling/grammar issues here and there, which does drag the quality of your writing down a bit. It's nothing too bad though, and on the whole I think this is a pretty good story. Looking forward to more! :pinkiehappy:

I found my chest was completely bear.

The Bear approves. :eeyup:

I can get still away

Master likes Yoda much very this. :twilightoops:

alfalfa pellet sucks

Not my favorite either. :pinkiesick:

Nice chapter (try to find an editor, or whip the one you have if you already have one, though, there are many more than 3 above in there), but once again, please, slow down a bit. It's easier to assume that the reader is familiar with the original story and some side stories, but as an author you shouldn't assume it. Treat it as the first FS story someone will ever read, don't skip ahead at every chance.
If you don't, she'll keep making that face at you.
Oh, and you author note have it's tail missing. :derpytongue2:

super good chapter.
perfect slice of life.
keep up the good work AB.

Oh no the evil Hazmats got her! Time to... go on a road trip with your friends, and never speak of that again? :unsuresweetie:

This is one of the best written 5-score stories (beside the original) i've read so far.
Of course it needs some corrections (or an editor) but thats not a big problem for me.

I do hope you continue this series soon, since it's a solid story and i can't wait for dinky and derpy's paths to
unite later on. This reminds me of the original.

I do hope you are already writing on the next chapter?

love this chapter. it really shows just how much the humans turning pony are going threw, all the different feeling the blending of the too is bringing about.
I vary good chapter.
Harts Fire

wow I super good chapter to a grate story.
now ware will our little herd be going next. yes I said herd even if they have not realized it them selves yet.
Harts Fire

Well there's a good chance they're both going to be mothers.
What have they been eating these last few weeks?
I can't imagine how hard it would have been, sitting there in a tiny box filled with pheromones. How did Party resist so darn long?!
Keep going! ;)

Hmm... that was quite a long dream for "I have a crush on Derpface"

I still find myself weirdly squicked by the idea of someone transforming into a loving mother with a daughter. Because you certainly didn't decide to do the deed, and you don't even get to enjoy it, yet here you are living for the foal at your side. It really sort of proves that this transformation thing Discord is doing is at least as ethically dubious as date rape. You fall asleep, you wake up a mother, without even enjoying it. I'd say his thing here is a lot worse than date rape, but it really helps you understand the magnitude of what he's done when you realize that even date rape is less cruel.

Oh my gosh this is so great I'm a pony! That means Princess Celestia is real, and there's such a wonderful benevolent monarch watching over us in beauty and grace! That means the last episode of the show is real too! Wait, shit. :facehoof:

baron -> barren

I hate to bring this up but, coyotes are little dogs, like, little yappy dogs. They're about the size of a fox maybe a teeny bit bigger. Even young horses vastly outweigh them. Coyotes hunt rabbits and mice and hares and bugs. Maybe a pack of coyotes could threaten an isolated foal, but... well, wolves are a threat, and cougars since you're over on the west coast. Grizzly bears, not really any other kind of bear. Wild dogs are a threat, though not as effective as wolves usually. Just a pointless factoid really. I don't mind if you have a coyote attacking horses as your contrived example to show how maternal instincty Derpy is.

So, the country is pretty much on a lockdown, they are being chased by an evil agency, the general population can't be allowed to see them, yet they simply drive into the city no question asked, and even manage to fly around with no apparent problems? :facehoof:
I can take it with Dash's group, since they are on a secluded farm, I can take it with Twilight's group, since they are on the move, and hide on the farm before the most of the commotion starts, but here? It's very hard to believe they can just have a two weeks break while not even trying to hide much.
Also, it's two weeks of in-story time wasted on pretty much nothing, except a few dreams and some sex. Derpy seems to be way too content with her position for a kind of mother you want to paint her as. :ajbemused:

6299607 If it'll keep to FS-mature canon, the chance is almost zero.
If it's closer to Velvet Nightfall, though... :pinkiecrazy:

as I love any story devoting time to the 5S story line I am wondering when you plan on adding a new chapter?

later I land my plan into the hanger,


“Eeyep. Seem one.

it's same

sorry but they just bothered me so much. But other than that perfect grammar.

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