Title: Smoldering it Over
Author: Turtlehaus
Read: 100%
Decision: Reject
Score: 4

This reads like kid's first fanfic, an it's actually fairly okay by first fanfic standards. However, there are several crippling flaws. Firstly, the grammar is terrible. Misused capitalizations, missing commas, incorrectly parsed dialogue, and more abound. Get thee a skilled editor, author. The second great issue is how the prose is all unbearable flat. The sentences are all samey. The paragraphs are all short and samey. It's simplistic. Thirdly, the plot is often nonsensical and depends upon contrivance. Effectively all the meetings with Celestia are contrivances that serve to move the plot forward without doing anything for the caracters. Characters on the whole act like plot devices more than actual people, and by and large betray their canon characterizations. For example, Rainbow Dash is the fastest pony in Equestria; she would react very poorly to someone else boasting being that. Now, on the positive side, I give you the following. Pacing on the story is actually okay, and I congratulate you on that. There is also the interesting idea of there being flame ponies with their own unique history and culture. Your protagonist was interesting as well.

Title: Tripped Out
Author: Majin Syeekoh

Amount Read: (Total words: 8,348)

Rating:

Plot/Theme: 18/20
Technical/Structure: 7/10
Characters: 8/10
Subjective: 5/10
Total: 38/50

Verdict: 7.5/10 - Recommend Acceptance

Overview:

Do drugs--they’re great! Don’t do drugs, kids; it’s bad for your health.

In all seriousness, the premise behind this story is pretty self explanatory. A character does drugs and then later regrets it. It does have a twist ending on the resolution, however.

In this review, we will analyze the high points as well as the low in the following sections below.

Technical/Structure:

The technicals follow a very standard grammatical structure with a tell and show mesh that leaned more on the side of tell. The advantages of using tell in a story are to quickly establish an emotional connection between a particular character, and so it is within these parameters I will be grading this particular work. How well of a connection did I establish with Sunset?

I’d have to say it fared pretty well. Adagio introduces dramatic tension to the narrative from the moment she enters Twilight’s house, and she fuels Sunset’s inner struggle to admit her feelings not only to Twilight, but to herself as well, and I think this is something that benefitted from having the telly prose.

I believe, however, that there are portions where it could have had something else to draw our attention to. I’ll highlight a few examples as follows to try to capture my meaning:

“Well, uh.” Twilight looked up and to the left. “I really want to reexperience the sensations I encountered while in the Midnight Sparkle state without, the, uh.” She giggled. “Trying to destroy all of reality part.”

Since it doesn’t really play impact us on a personal level, this doesn’t stand out as particularly engaging. Instead of a direction, we should draw focus elsewhere. Perhaps we can embellish on something noteworthy about the scene or perhaps standoffish about her as she drums up her response.

“Right you are, Sunset!” Twilight said as she raised a finger, then put her hand to the side and blushed[b/]. “You’re so perceptive.”

I feel as though we are trying connect to Twilight’s sheepish nature when broaching these sensitive topics, but I don’t quite feel it here.

Aside from that there are only a few minor adjustments that I can offer to the prose. The nature of these suggestions is to make it a little bit concise, avoiding repetition, and correcting a minor formatting error. All of these suggestions is to slightly improve flow. Examples are listed as follows:

Twilight giggled again. “Wish me luck!” And she closed the door behind her.

‘The door shut behind her’ seems more suitable here, and it avoids opening the sentence with a conjunction.

The inky black eventually amalgamated into the jagged-horned, horse-tailed, hawk-winged Midnight Sparkle, who smiled a smile that sent shivers through Sunset’s veins.

‘In a manner’ can be used instead here to avoid repetition of the word ‘smile’.

Sunset pressed her lips and her eyes shut, then opened her eyes.

For the same reason as the previous example I suggest ‘Then reopened them’.

Then, total darkness―and in front of her, a shivering Twilight. .

This is a slight formatting error, I believe--there is an extra period at the end, in between a space.

‘don’t throw bread at the ducks their digestive systems can’t handle it we have feed you can buy’

There is a little too much liberty with forgoing grammatical rules in the quotes here, I think.

Most of the time, you can forsake some grammatical rules in dialogue so as to maintain the integrity of how the character says a specific line of dialogue.

Here, however, there is a noticeable issue in readability of this line. As the bolded area isn’t necessary, I posit the section of removing it to increase readability.

Characters:

The characterization of this piece was well established here. Each character had a natural feel about them that reflected what I’d expect from the show. Below are just a few of the quotes to depict their characteristics:

“So,” Adagio said as she worked up a smile, “how much did you want?”

A few moments passed as Twilight stared at the incredibly illegal package. “Um, I was looking for something in the range of five hundred micrograms.”

Twilight’s technical nature dominated her dialogue. She had to be precise, making corrections when she deemed it prudent to do so.

“It’s just.” Adagio shook her head as she clasped her hands together. “It’s just so much fun pissing you off, you have no idea.” She chortled and looked up to meet Sunset’s gaze. “I hadn’t the notion that it’d be so easy, though. You must really have the hots for my friend Twilight.”

Adagio relished in the way she was egging Sunset on whenever they butted heads, so to speak. It was as if she couldn’t help herself.

The only thing I can really suggest in the way of characterization might be to delve into some of their emotions through their actions, but I believe the dialogue itself is satisfactory.

Plot/Theme:

The plot follows a fairly straightforward, fairly standard format. There is a natural progression from the the acquiescence of the illegal substance, to the trip that followed thereafter, and then the regrets and admissions to more meaningful pursuits thereafter.

I believe the narrative created dramatic tension fairly well with the introduction of Adagio, and Twilight and Sunset shared a touching moment at the end when Sunset saved Twilight from herself.

I did personally find the story to be a bit dry at times, but I don’t think there is much that can be done about that while still retaining the telly prose that was intended, and it isn’t as if I find this to be an egregious fault with the story.

Conclusion:

While I did find a few minor hiccups here and there in the technicals, see a few odd things drawing the reader’s attention, and found the reading experience to be a little dry at times, I felt the experience was sufficiently adequate for a pass. There were a number of beautiful exchanges between the characters, and their motivations didn’t overpower the rest of the story. It was certainly a trip.

Title: Ashes by Ice Star
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (4/10)
Reason:

For a couple of reasons, this story just does not really do much for me.

To start, the plot. Or rather, lack thereof. I get what the author’s going for in terms of setting and style, aiming for the idea of being alone in the wilderness, but that is a very difficult thing to write and they did not really manage to pull it off. It gets long and repetitive, and just keeps going on and on without much change. Even Luna going missing didn’t really have the impact on me I think the author

My second main gripe is the first chapter, May You Be Shielded from Misfortune. The author mentions that I don’t need to read the prequels to understand this story, but I’m not entirely sure how true that is. How Discord was involved with the Royal Sisters is never really explained, and after his departure (which seems to be important to them given how upset Celestia is over it), he’s never even mentioned again. Removing the first chapter entirely would have made this story much less confusing, and made it potentially more friendly to first-time readers like me.

Ultimately, this story has too little in it for how long it is, and for that reason, I am rejecting it.

Title: Pinkie Comes to Town
Author: David Silver
Read: 100%
Decision: Reject
Score: 5

Hi ho, Mr. Silver! Pinkie Comes to Town is a so average it's okay short story about Pinkie Pie's arrival in Ponyville. While new in Ponyville stories are a dime a dozen, never, to my knoweldge, has any ever tackled Pinkie Pie herself coming to Ponyville for the first time. The story covers Pinkie getting on a train, getting off a train, meeting the Cakes, and having her first party in town. And that's it, all 1.4K of it. As far as technicals go, it gets full marks for having no mistakes. The prose and dialogue are simple and functional -- they suffice. Pinkie Pie first moving to Ponyville is an interesting idea, and one I would love to see added to the archive, but the absolute unremarkability of the rest of the story, plus its extreme brevity, mean it cannot be accepted into the archive.

Title: LoveLess
Author: Ice Star
Read: 100%
Decision: Accept
Score: 8

It's no mean feat to get in with a short short story, and LoveLess makes the cut. Why? Because it turns the idea of shipping on its head, asking the idea about living without loving, not as a punishment or suffering, but as an alternate way of being, and that is utterly fascinating. The author herself is an openly admitted asexual, which grants great personal subtext to the story. I also found it amusing that Cadance in the story sinks the idea of the TwiLuna ship had enough to stand in for a German U-Boat. The grammar is not flawless, but it is good enough to not distract. Very well done for doing a good yet brief character study that turns the whole idea of shipping on its head. Welcome to the archive!

Title: The Forgotten Void Dweller
Author: Midnight Chaos
Read: 100% (13K Nov 6, 2017)
Decision: Accept
Score: 8

Well, done, Morty. I enjoyed your fic Morty, not just the Szechuan sauce, Morty, but the- but the the uh multiverse, Morty! Now, seriously, well done, girl. It's not every cycle I see a fic written from an actually alien POV describing a very alien reality. Your protagonist dwells in The Void, a sort of multiverse hub and helps to direct and protect universes. Having once been human, he's since adapted to living in a reality where he can just boop between universes and interract as much or little as he desires. The skillful handling of that interesting setting and premise alone justifies putting it in, but the fact that there is so much more to the setting and Magnus yet to be revealed is what makes me give this fic my approval. Bad Rick and Morty jokes by me aside, the mechanics are fairl good, but you have a handful of flubs in every chapter. The prose is well constructed and strikes a pleasing balance between narration, dialogue, and introspection with mixed compositions and lengths of sentences and paragraphs. I expect great things from this one yet to come, Morty.

Title: Break From the Castle
Author: Mr_Minati
Read: 100%
Decision: Accept
Score: 9

This is AU done right! And I never thought I'd say that about a gritty fic mostly spent with Princess Luna hiding in a trashcan being wheeled around by a drug addict. The world is developed and clearly very different from in the show. Nightmare Moon happened, but instead of traumatizing Celestia, it turned her into a tyrant who would never permit her rule to be challenged again. Cue a solid thousand years of suffering for Luna, and unending dictatorship over Equestria. Equestria in your fic is a very different place. It's darker, but it feels like gownup dark. There is repression, drug use, alcoholism, and violence inherrent in the system -- actual, systemic social dysfunctions. I like how you made the ponies in this AU different but the same. Cadence is still an alicorn, but she's a hardcore military head honcho like a quadruped Darth Vader, and Twiley is still a super nerd, but in this universe, she's a cook. And in this universe, instead of being benevolent and loving, Cellybeans far more closely resembles a Communist party boss who has and will roll in the tanks if that's what its takes. The only flaws are, firstly, author, you need to use direct address when you address a character by name, dude. Secondly, the story could have done with fewer jumps between scenes. All in all, very well done and I welcome you to the archive!

Title: The Failing Light
Author: Render: Render
Read: 100% (23K)
Decision: Reject
Score: 4

I wanted to accept this fic. It has an interesting protagonist and an air of mystery. The writing, however, makes that impossible. The story is all tell, and the prose is extremely bland. The sentences and paragraphs all blend into each other, all being similar in length and composition. You also have a large number of grammatical errors, especially with commas. You need an editor.

Title: Equestrian Human by TheMajor Techie
Amount Read: All currently published (through Log 5162: On the topic of meat-eating in Equestria and trade talks between some professional(?) diplomats and an inexperienced monarch)
Verdict: Reject (3/10)
Reason:

Would you be interested in a trade agreement with England Earth?

That’s the plot of this story...at least, I think it is. Honestly, I don’t know what the plot is. Gadget/Zoey mentions trade agreements a few times, but they just seem like a handful of loose thoughts in a story that’s more or less entirely loose thoughts. This story would go better as a slice of life, because trying to make it an adventure with a cohesive plot just didn’t really work out.

Next, something outside the story itself: its submission. Submitting a sequel of a sequel doesn’t really work out well, because I read this fic, not the entire series. This story was already fairly confusing to follow as-is, so putting me in a world that I have no knowledge of with characters that I’m not familiar with left me confused the entire time. Especially so because the author’s clearly put some thought into making the world around them, so it’s a lot to have to try and get acclimated to all at once.

Overall, this story is too loose to really work as well as seemingly being reliant on its prequels to make any sense. For those reasons, I am rejecting this fic.

Title: Zoner: Shadow of Cherneighbyl
Author: Dippydoop

Amount Read: 100%

Rating:

Plot/Theme: 7/20
Technical/Structure: 8/10
Characters: 5/10
Subjective: 4/10
Total: 23/50

Verdict: 4.5/10 - Recommend Rejection

Overview:

I don’t know how to say it any better than this, so for the sake of a succinct review here, this story needs work.

That isn’t to say that it is completely without merit, however, as the vibes I were getting from its beginning indicated. There is considerable improvement to the narrative stylization in the later chapters that, after reading this story through to its entirety, make me want to see a rewrite of the first two chapters.

Now, I’ve noticed how long it’s been since you have posted an update for this story, and I encourage you to continue, both for the sake of the story and for your progression as a writer.

In the meantime, I’ll post in the sections below the biggest issues I find with this story and try to help you along in the best manner I can.

Technical/Structure:

There are a number of technical issues riddled throughout that create a clunky experience. Capitalization, run-on sentences, and awkward phrasing are all present, just to name a few types of technical errors that I spotted.

I’d always wondered what the Capital was like.

I don’t believe this is considered a pronoun - necessitating its capitalization - unless it’s referring to a specific capital. I think it’d require it if it was something like ‘Capital of Equestria’, although you may want to double check behind me for verification.

“I tried to help you make your bakery more profitable, why didn’t you let me? With a bit of investment, you could have modernised and increased your productivity massively.”

The first question in this dialogue tag is a run-on sentence. I do question his characterization here as well, however, and that’s because he comes across as accusatory, which inflicts damage upon his otherwise professional relationship with the Moony. If he’s running a business for profitable gain, then it’s not really his place to be demanding her  to allow him to lend his financial assistance to her.

Quite possibly most of my issue stems from the wording of the dialogue tag itself, however. I could see how a slight rewording of this could eliminate the passive aggressive (which felt out of place) issue that I found with this.

I made my way to the living room to see if I could find my friend, ruminating on what she had told me yesterday on the way.

This phrasing felt slightly awkward. Maybe better is:

‘While ruminating on what my friend told me yesterday, I made my way…’

Or:

‘I made my way to the living room, ruminating on what my friend told me…’

...A lot of unicorns suddenly found out that they weren’t the most valuable asset in the Equestrian Armed Forces anymore, when these started to get issued,”

The awkward phrasing came out in the dialogue at times too, and here it didn’t read off as something somebody would say in a natural way. I found myself wondering why the character wouldn’t start off this statement with the bolded portion, rather than ending with it.

Characters:

The found the characterization to be off-putting at times. In the beginning, a lot is thrown at the protagonist, and it comes across with a vibe of ‘Woe is me. Feel sorry for me.’

Moony’s parents die in some terrorist attack; she then loses their shop several months later, and then feels like nothing she does amounts to much, And then she’ll lose her home

I get that her whole life just got torn apart with her parent’s deaths, but the forceful nature of how these events were sequenced made it hard for me to relate to her character at first.

Perhaps most of this issue can be resolved with more contextual information into how her parents deaths’ have affected her and, as a result, their business. It would also improve flow somewhat, linking the two events in a causal relationship.

There are other issues present throughout, save the latest issue.

“Now that we’re done, shall we move on to the guns?” he suggested impatiently.

In the second chapter, Moony and her friend are purchasing gear for their trek into the Zone. The shopkeeper, who will potentially get a hefty sum of bits for their business, is apparently anxious for some reason. I don’t understand why he is impatient here; this is literally his job.

“Our room is underground?” I asked incredulously.

“Yup! Nice and secure, and trust me, you’ll be grateful of it if a storm hits. These old walls literally shake from the thunder,” came the reply. “There’s a lot of underground stuff around here, though most of the tunnels have caved-in.”

“Why would they have built so much underground?” I wondered out loud. “Especially out here, we’re not even close to the CPP.”

“Beats me, I just tend this place.” Misty shrugged.

The dialogue in this passage almost feels like a non sequitur. Let’s break it down.

The protagonists asks if their room is underground, to which the character she’s replies ‘yes, it’s to protect against storms’. Then, the protagonist basically asks why, and the other character doesn’t know anymore, even though she just explained it. If there was supposed to be a more significant reason than that, I failed to perceive it.

Plot/Theme:

The first thing I’d like to address is the way it starts out.

I gazed out of the train window, watching the scenery whiz past. It was another lovely day in Equestria; the sun was shining brightly and the sky was dotted with the occasional cumulus cloud.

Opening up the stories with weather reports generally don’t have much appeal for me, and I think the same can be said for many people. It’s trite, typically serves little purpose with the rest of the narrative, and it can even detract from hooking in potential readers.

A hook is needed to elicit a reader’s interest; the sooner it’s done in the story, the better.

Aside from that there is some contextual information missing here and there, particularly within the first chapter. I didn’t spot much description in the way of scenery then, so it was hard to tell where the characters were at times on my first pass through of the story.

It was easy for me to miss certain things, like the introduction of the servant, and certain luxuries that Blossy’s lifestyle afforded her. Here is one specific example:

“Wh-what?” I echoed Blossy. “But they’ll arrest you. You’ll end up in jail!” I said. I couldn’t believe she’d willingly do that.

I reread around the passage several times, but I couldn’t follow along with why one of the minor characters would go to jail for heading back out of the Zone. I think this might be one of those moments where some background information from the other fandom is needed; if that’s the case, I really could have used an explanation.

There was a tendency to use words that didn’t quite fit with what was happening, as well. Take the following passage, for example:

If I had a bit for every time I’d been [n]corrected[b/] by this guy, I’d probably have been as rich as Blossy.

This is taken from the scene in which a shop owner shows Moony a weapon, she asks why it’s so expensive, and then he explains to her why it is. Because she was asking, rather than assuming the reason for why it was expensive, calling this a correction doesn’t quite fit right.

Conclusion:

Due to the issues that I found in the earlier chapters with regards to missing contextual information, the sequencing issues tha created a somewhat clunky experience with flow, and the non sequitur reactions to a few key lines of dialogue lead me to fail this work at this time.

I liked the diction the narrative was forming by the fourth chapter, however, and for that reason I would like to see a rewrite of the first chapter or two at some point.

Title: Follow The God Emperor!
Author: Jackelope

Amount Read:

Rating:

Plot/Theme: 12/20
Technical/Structure: 5/10
Characters: 8/10
Subjective: 4/10
Total: 29/50

Verdict: 6/10 - Recommend Rejection

Overview:

This is the kind of work that is simply what it is - a comedy of character and ideas. It is meant to poke fun at Trump and his supporters, who are depicted in this piece as citizens who are sold on empty notions that can either never come to pass or are vague enough such that they can be construed to have already been fulfilled.

In the following sections, I will try to break down the piece into its most basic components and analyze its strengths and weaknesses.

Technical/Structure:

For being created in just under an hour, the spelling and grammar are pretty decent. I didn’t find many egregious errors that completely turned me off.

That being said, I still don’t feel it’s quite up to par with what we’d expect. There was a spelling mistake, and there were a number of oddly placed words.

Chrysalis blinked, and when the figures came clearly into view, she blinked again. Just what was she stareing at?

He was a giant of a creature, standing tall, above the heads of any other create in Equestria;

Additionally, there were a number of phrases in it that read slightly awkward to me:

Thousands upon thousands of Equestrian mares and stallions stood side by side, expressions stoic, trying their best to hide the fear heavy in their hearts

I don’t think ‘heavy’ is a necessary word here.

the loudest and most ear shattering of the whips of lightning struck the middle of the desert plain

I can’t imagine how lighting was like whips, unless it’s Belmont’s lightning whip from Castlevania. More appropriate would be ‘bolt’ or ‘arc’, although I can see why the words would be avoided here, as they are used to describe lightning often.

Sand was whipped up into the air, created a near impenetrable cloud, and many looked at with confusion at the occurrence.

The above passage feels clunky. I think better would be:

‘After being whipped into the air, the sand created a near impenetrable cloud.’

Characters:

With such a short story, there isn’t much here to remark upon. I didn’t see any contrivances with characterization or its development, at the very least.

One thing that I took note of, however, was that Queen Chrysalis somehow knew of Donald Trump prior to their meeting.

This is just nitpicking on my part, but I don’t exactly have a timeline on his arrival to Equestria in relation to this event, so even if I accounted for him to retain his ability to exhibit influence over his new home, I can’t fully get behind it.

Plot/Theme:

The narrative takes on the average plot of Trump becoming the ‘God Emperor’ - or ruler - of Equestria. It doesn’t do much make it stand out from other Trump fics, and I think that mostly has to do with the tale’s length.

Essentially, it feels like it’s over just as it’s beginning. It looks like Queen Chrysalis will rule Equestria, Trump enters the scene, says a few words, and wins over the crowd.

It’s not like what’s there isn’t good; I just felt like it could have used some more oomph. Perhaps it could have benefited from punching up the comedy a bit as well.

I do have one additional note to address, and that is with regard to a tag. I’m not entirely certain on this, but I don’t think a Trump in Equestria constitutes as a crossover story.

Conclusion:

Though this is an amusing story, I didn’t believe the mechanics were all the way there, and the story didn’t leave much of an impact on me. I think the main underlying reason for that stems from its short length. For those reasons, I’m rejecting this story.

Title: I Will Not Fail
Author: Raptormon132

Amount Read: 100%

Rating:

Plot/Theme: 8/20
Technical/Structure: 4/10
Characters: 7/10
Subjective: 3/10
Total: 22/50

Verdict: 4.5/10 - Recommend Rejection

Overview:

I am of the belief that there is a lot of planning that is involved when it comes to the blending of two fandoms. This holds true, regardless of whether the other fandom is popular or not.

This particular story is crossed with Star Wars. Darth Vader has joined ranks with the Storm King somewhere along the way, and he has come to check on Tempest’s progress in her capture of Canterlot.

Technical/Structure:

As far as the mechanics go, there needs to be some concision. Some of the sentences are far too long, and I spotted several redundancies with some nouns and names. Take the following two passages for example:

Tempest Shadow stood alone on the balcony of the throne room of the castle of the Equestrian capital of Canterlot, looking down at the once proud, happy, and majestic royal city now shrouded in darkness and minor ruin from the recent invasion from her at the Storm Kings' orders.

The Storm King's soldiers enslaved the ponies in the city below, each one bound in chains, and wore large collars with the Storm King's symbol,

I can’t tell you how many times I read ‘Storm King’ in the first few paragraphs, but I feel it was more than necessary. There were other words or phrases that were redundant as well, but this one stuck out the most.

Walking into the throne room, she moved past the numerous stained glass windows decorated between the recently added Storm King banners around the room, looking at them with disgrace.

I noted a few slightly confusing word uses in the narrative as well. In the above passage, Tempest is admiring the new banners on the walls of the Castle.

Immediately afterwards, it’s describing her as looking at them with disgrace; this would imply that she’s not admiring them, though, and that she is shameful of her actions. Yet that was never depicted in the story. Therefore, I believe ‘disgrace’ was misused here.

Below are some passages I found to be awkward:

The figure was now out of the mist, revealing to be a tall, large, masked man in black with a flowing black cape, and a menacing presence.

"Its power that you claimed is certainly something to behold," Darth Vader said. "If it were not for one of the four princesses needed to achieve this power were to have not escaped your grasp."

I can grasp the meaning of these statements, but I had to slow down in order to do so. Here are suggested edits to help you try to carry out through the rest of your story:

A tall, masked man dressed in black walked out of the mist. A long, black cape billowed behind him, completing his menacing attire.

“... If it were not for one of the four princesses escaping your grasp, you would have achieved all the needed power.”

I believe that the second quote I edited makes it a little easier to read and still maintains Darth Vader’s characterization, but you might know more about how he would say it than I.

Characters:

The characterization in this piece is replete with interesting dialogue and characterization.

I believe their development followed a predictable pattern, however. Most of the story depended on existing scenes and oblique references to their typical mannerisms.

If there is one true complaint I have with the characters, it’s that their personalities were constrained by the scene that was constructed.

Plot/Theme:

The plot wasn’t entirely satisfactory to me.

It essentially plays out the same way as one of the scenes in the My Little Pony Movie with the key difference being that Tempest is reporting to Darth Vader instead of the Storm King.

The story never really feels like it takes on a life of its own. It’s self-contained under the premise of Darth Vader being in the Storm King’s army and doesn’t expound upon that notion much beyond that. I’m not precisely sure of the dynamic between our caped sith lord and the minotaur ruler.

Conclusion:

This story had good characterization in it, but the long sentences, lack of concision at times, and redundancies in it detracted from its enjoyment to a certain degree. In conjunction with the plot’s, more or less, lackluster execution, I have to reject this story at this time.

Title: Of Nightmares and Dreams
Author: Lightwavers

Amount Read: 100%

Rating:

Plot/Theme: 19/20
Technical/Structure: 7/10
Characters: 10/10
Subjective: 8/10
Total: 44/50

Verdict: 9/10 - Recommend Acceptance

Overview:

Of Nightmares and Dreams is a chilling tale from start to finish. It depicts a dark, alternate Equestria. The story stars Twilight Sparkle, who has long since given up trying to overcome the devastation left by Nightmare Moon’s rule.

In the following sections, I will try to analyze the strengths and weaknesses this has and come to the determination of whether or not I think this is a narrative deserving of the title of ‘best of the best’.

Technical/Structure:

The grammar and mechanics in this story seemed pretty strong. I had a difficult time finding anything truly egregious. I have a few things to remark about the writing style, however.

Then she forced herself to look at it. To study the result of her mistakes.

She could finally see them. After all this time.

Short sentences such as ‘After all this time’, where the subject is implicit, are written so as to draw more notice to that sentence. Overusing this literary technique, as I believe is slightly the case here, can be slightly distracting.

Moreover, doing it less often can lead to a bigger impact when it does happen.

Characters:

The characterization in this piece was astounding. I connected with Twilight right away. Her entire world as she knew it was defeated by Nightmare Moon.

As a result, there are two things at play in her mind. She has this cold, calculating mindset about her situation: everypony she knows keeps dying, Princess Celestia can’t break free of the imprisonment Nightmare Moon has placed on her, and every day that passes, Equestria strays further from the warm, loving atmosphere it once had.

Yet, she is still clings onto the last vestiges of her hope that Princess Celestia will break free or that somepony will come and help her overthrow Nightmare Moon. She knows it will never happen, but she can’t help herself, and so she goes through this ritual every year of calling out to her mentor despite knowing there is nothing she can do to change her circumstance.

The most touching moment, though, was when she watched the last of her friends perish. It was in this moment where she snapped. She no longer has Celestia - for her stone prison was withering away, taking her with it - or any of the other Elements of Harmony to have hope in,.

She then convinces herself that somepony she knew was dead was actually still alive. She only saw Spike’s tail, maybe Nightmare Moon was lying.

I infer that she’s clinging onto that hope for more than just a hope to restore Equestria. She seems to be so trapped in this situation that she can’t even end her own life to get away from the pony causing her anguish.

This leaves such a chilly impression.

Plot/Theme:

Though this wasn’t a long story, there’s a lot at play here with what is told. Most of this narrative’s theme and plot draw most of its impact from Twilight’s state of mind.

It does well to hook readers in with the dark and sad themes at play here. It paints a bleak, inhospitable future for everypony, not just those we are concerned with. Civilization itself may indeed be falling apart right before our eyes, and the hero we’ve come to know and love, Twilight, stands by the side of the one causing it, because there’s nothing she can do. She’s been defeated, and now she gets to see the aftermath in the loss of her friends and her mentor.

Conclusion:

This is one of those narratives that comes together in just the right way for me. There is little in the way of grammar issues, it tells a compelling story, and it has left a satisfying impact on me. It is for those reasons that I believe this story is deserving of an acceptance.

Title: Neil by Ferrum Requiem
Amount Read: All currently published (through Part Three)
Verdict: Reject (6/10)
Reason:

My first mark against this story is its exposition-heavy nature. It’s a double-edged sword (but more on that later). The downsides of it are that it’s sometimes very boring and flat, almost seeming mechanical at points. It makes the story feel much longer than it is at points, and the story seemingly only covers a few hours.

Now, for possibly my biggest criticism of the story: its inclusion as My Little Pony fanfiction. Neil is human (and not EQG human, he’s from Ashtabula), and has very limited interaction with the world of MLP. Helen is technically a pony, true, but beyond that, the actual plot of the story (him being in what is presumably the Everfree Forest) is not really in any way related to My Little Pony. He encounters a timberwolf, but if you replaced that with an encounter with a bear or regular wolf, the plot would be almost identical. Equestria is home to a great deal of magical creatures that are not just reskinned creatures from our world: cockatrices, manticores, hydras, ursas, and so on. Pitting a kid from suburban Ohio against one of those instead of basically a wolf made out of wood instead of flesh would have tied it to MLP more and likely would have just been a more interesting read overall, one you can’t get in more realistic survival fiction. Even beyond just fauna, magic has been weaved into the very landscape of Equestria, and none of that comes forth in the story.

The upside to the story is mostly execution of its premise, through the exposition covered earlier. Dialogue-sparse stories are tough to pull off, and while this one doesn’t really wow me that much, it at least ends up being passable. He seems to be given quite a few tools that make his life at least somewhat easier (such as just happening to have a medical kit and books on stone age survival), but the presence of danger towards him is kept at a good level throughout the story to hit the good survival story sweet spot: there’s a chance, but not a terribly large one.

All in all, this isn’t a bad story. However, I finished it wondering if it truly can be considered MLP fanfiction. That, along with the tendency for the exposition to drag in some places, lead me to the verdict to reject this story.

Title: Misery is Company by Ice Star
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (6/10)
Reason:

The reasoning for this rejection is simple: the story’s too short! The premise of the story is that Luna enjoys her solitude, and as such does not wish to attend the Grand Galloping Gala. However, that encompasses only 3 sentences in the second to last paragraph of the story. As with most stories, I think there’s promise in this if it were only lengthened and the theme explored more. Celestia and Luna have some nice interaction throughout, but it’s not much the fandom hasn’t already established.

I will say that the ending is a bit better this time (since that’s something I’ve mentioned frequently in reviews for this author). The downside is that when just reading through quickly, it is abrupt and leaves you hanging. However, when going through it slower and truly thinking it, it’s a powerful ending. It ends on a good, hollow moment of Celestia seemingly yet again trying to make Luna happy but finding her biggest obstacle is Luna herself.

Alas, this story just altogether happens too quickly. The central idea, that Luna simply does not wish to attend the Gala, is very buried and only presented at the end, and for that I have to reject it.

Story: The Iron Horse: Everything’s Better with Robots

Author: The Hat Man

Amount Read: 29 chapters or 209,122 words (35.8% of the story)

Decision:6.5/10

Review:

This story took the author two years to post to completion. So, it’s with a very heavy heart I must reject this story for the Café. I have read some seriously long stories, for example, Your Human and You clocks in at a shade under 670k words; Divided Rainbow comes in at 662k words and still going. And both of those have been immensely fun and kept me engaged throughout. Needless to say, I enjoy long, epic stories. Why didn’t I enjoy this one? Let’s get down to it.

First off, the technical, I didn’t have a problem with the technical. I’m not going to knock this story on that. I am not a big grammar person like some other reviewers, my main purpose when reading and reviewing is “Did this story entertain me?” And grammar and technical matter only if and when major mistakes throw me out of the suspension of disbelief. And this story did not do that. So, kudos to that.

On the subjective, at first, I was quite entertained, thinking this story would be a pass. The references throughout the story are quite clever and funny. I groaned where I should when it comes to the puns, I enjoyed references from Dr. Who to Isaac Asimov. It was funny.

But as the reading went on, the story began to fall apart with me. Overlong time spent with our main robot character getting to know and befriending all the rest of the mane six. I like your character, don’t get me wrong. You are writing an artificial character to have quite a bit of heart. And I really do like it. But when I have time to read. And I do a lot of story reading on my phone, I find myself wanting to play a game, or surf Facebook, or even check out other stories just for fun. Reading this story became a chore for me. And that is where I have to draw the line. Long stories are great. I love writing and reading long stories. But keeping the action moving, keeping the story moving down the road. It’s important! And this story failed on that. Sadly.

So, it is with a heavy heart, that I must reject this story from the Reveiwer’s Café. Not that the story was bad. But the fact that it ended up being BORING. And I can’t forgive that sin. Thank you for submitting!

Title: After The Dream by kalash93
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Accept (8.5/10)
Reason:

To celebrate my 4th accept to this group (yes, this is my 38th review and only my 4th accept), I can think of no more fitting song for this author:

Get it? Cause he’s our group’s Discount Soviet?

For negatives, I have to say the mistakes in the writing. Dude, come on. Unacceptable! A few missing words, improper capitalization, and so on. It’s not bad or systematic, but easily solved by some quick editing.

But the premise itself is strong, and very deep. Surprising that a man whose stories include Granny Blows Best and Doge Does Derpy, irrefutable proof that God is dead, would produce a story that talks about sex in a more mature, passionate way than you typically see. There’s no sex in this story, just mentions thereof, and it does not boil down to a simple “well sex is great with someone you love”. Yet on the other hand, it doesn’t become trite or clichéd. It’s presented in a realistic way—it’s passionate, yet it’s not an automatic way to guarantee emotional intimacy.

Finally, Luna was...interesting. She browses the dreams of ponies all around Equestria and has sex with many of them during their dreams, yet it manages to not come off as creepy. It’s also one of the few representations of the sentiment that everybody does it that doesn’t get blushed at or just hangs in the air awkwardly. She’s seen and done a lot, and she seems to encourage more for both herself and for others.

So I’d tip my hat were I wearing one to kalash93 for not only presenting one of the better representations of erotic love I’ve seen, but also making it past my outlandishly high standards (see: the review right below this one). Congratulations!

Title: Pieces of Me by DwarvishPony
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (6.5/10)
Reason:

I actually really enjoyed this fic, but there was one main thing that kept me from accepting it.

That one thing? The fact that it’s mentioned that batteries might be able to be obtained elsewhere. I realize it might be a nitpick, but it provides a beam of hope that I don’t think the author was going for. They set up a very good story and plot with Rarity potentially giving up her only means of functioning to help the Apple family. It’s very powerful, and lets Rarity’s generosity shine through. It’s supposed to be a powerful ending, but it’s unfortunately diminished by that little bit of hope. This whole story had very little hope: there doesn’t seem to be much hope for the Apple family, there’s no hope of obtaining the replacement part for Rarity, but then there is a chance that somewhere else there’s a battery for her.

Again, I really did enjoy this story and yes, am rejecting it basically on one small thing. But to me, that one thing undid so much of the power that the ending creates. Killing off characters shows literary strength, but providing even the slightest glimmer of hope has conditioned us to believe that the characters will survive and that they’ll get a happy ending. I get what you were trying to go with here, but you got unlucky that I’m this group’s resident hardass and made an error that hurt the emotion you otherwise crafted well. For that reason, this story is a reject.

Title: My Little Pony: The Last Goodbye
Author: Darthvalgaav
Amount Read: All
Verdict: 5/10

Your story was honestly fun to read, you pulled off some great foreshadowing techniques and classic emotional literature. Your idea was original and I personally loved to see what you had planned for each character, very inventive. Yet, sadly I felt like those side stories came off as more epilogue summary rather than actual story. They feel omnipresent, hollow. They aren’t really grounded in the story you are trying to create and it makes it difficult to hold onto them. But I totally LOVED the stories! The actual plots where emotional and beautiful. I feel like you would have greatly benefited by making each story their own chapter, and writing the elderly Twilight visit where she first met her friends like how you had done initially, but then not just summing up their lives after the show, but investigating them. Even a time jump back to significant points in order to tell them would have been great. Or even have twilight jump into first person and then go into detail about their lives, each chapter being each character’s story. They are entire universes of their own I would have absolutely loved to have read more of them, but I was caught in a weird zone of having not enough info, or too much info.

Be careful of continuity, I noticed that Sour Apple switches gender, there were other little mistakes but make sure that you set in stone events and ponies, otherwise, it quickly takes you out the immersion of the story in order to backtrack in order to understand something. Grammar and Spelling, for the most part, was alright, but you could have benefited from possibly a proofer or something. I saw some very large mistakes (e.g. using both feet and feat wrong) that could have been avoided through the use of an editor. The larger mistakes bring this fic down as it really takes away from what you are trying to achieve. Yet, regardless of this, the story creates what it sets out to do, I genuinely felt emotional hearing about her gift to Celestia (your freaky prediction of S7’s Fame and Misfortune… like seriously wtf). Sadly, I cannot accept this fic based on its structure and grammar. But I would highly recommend possibly writing the stories of the mane 6 characters you described into larger chapters of their own (or maybe shaking it up and not following your original mini stories structure) and making it a lot more detailed. You would certainly have me coming back for more.

Title: You Are A King by kalash93
Amount Read: All
Verdict: 7/10, second opinion 7/10, against
Reasoning:

This story started out nicely. The concept of a third, non Mary-sue alicorn was nice to see, especially when written in second person. It is hard to do so successfully, but the author made the difficult style easy to follow and pleasant to read despite the difficulties which can be faced. The author also chose a dangerous style of sentence structure in which almost every sentence was the same length as those around it. This style is usually unpleasant to read, however in this case it made for an immersive read I which the reader can really feel the character's disjointed connection with the world. It was very cleverly done.

However, about a third of the way through the piece, the limitations of such a risky tactic begin to make themselves known. At this point and onwards, the reading becomes dull and the reader loses interest in the monotone nature of the fic. In some ways, I would liken this story to Maud Pie's voice; in short snippets, Maud is a wonderfully amusing character. If she was to speak for more than a minute or two, though, and we would quickly get bored. The same happens here. You can have too much of a good thing, and this fic sadly drags its plot out too long for its style. Coupled with the occasional grammatical errors which I found—though not particularly bad, they were there—I couldn't recommend this fic for the story's library.

Second opinion summarised

• Second opinion works well
• Starts off interesting
• Alicorn OC not horrendous!
• Drags later on
• Long paragraphs of dry, overly poetic text
• "Good concept, shaky execution"

The Usual

Story by CoffeeBean, Review by Lome

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/350364/the-usual

A slow-moving, deliciously sweet slice of life

‘The Usual’ is a story that exudes Joie De Vivre. In simple terms, Joie De Vivre is the joy of life; any combination of great food, company, or conversation.

In many ways its entire narrative centers around this core concept, cleverly including all three aspects into every scene in a way that doesn’t feel contrived or predictable.

Tealeaf, the primary protagonist, is a relatable and hard-working college student struggling to make ends meet and maintain good grades. It’s hard not to root for her as she carries out her morning shift in the Tiptop Cafe, where she is graced with the presence of her crush (Supermodel and entrepreneur Fleur De Lis) for a few fleeting minutes a day.

We can nearly feel Tealeafs’ emotions in these moments, the rush of excitement, the nervous tension, and finally the warm fuzzy sensation that washes over all else. Anyone who has ever had a crush knows the feeling, and it's captured quite well on the page in a way that doesn’t feel too saccharine sweet.

At first the dialogue feels very natural and ordinary, ranging from an array of topics but always kept nicely short in a way that leaves you wanting more. If I have one complaint, it’s that all of the characters start to lose their subtleties very quickly near the end of the first chapter.

A revelation from a side character propels the plot forward in a way that leaves me scratching my head. There is a blatant lack of subtlety here which would be fine, if it were not repeated several times by several characters again in the second chapter.

Is it possible these characters are just very honest and open about some very intimate things? Sure, but it does sort of strip away any subtext that had been built up to that point. It’s as if a casual stroll in the woods has suddenly turned into a sprinting race to the finish. It’s at this time, as well, that I begin to wonder exactly what awaits us at the end. With burning curiosity I read on.

The second chapter feels a little less focused and harder to become invested in, at first. A few too many pieces of information slip out a bit too conveniently, are presumptuous, or feel downright out of place.

Steam offered another silent nod, Fleur pausing as she thought on this whole matter. "Does she wish to make love to me?"

Steam blinked a few times, visibly shocked by the question. "I... I think so. I'd assume so." he paused, thinking a little longer. "Yeah... she does. She's never said it out loud, but yeah; she does."

It isn’t until we find ourselves in Tea Leafs apartment that we can take a much needed breath and relax again. This scene is one of my favorites in the story; it once again exudes Joie De Vivre while at the same time making our characters feel alive and full of purpose.

As the story continues, its theme shifts effortlessly from joy to passion. For the sake of this story, passion is referring to both strong sexual and professional desires; a drive and tenacity that serves as an undercurrent for the story on the whole.

It’s clear here that our author shares a passion for culinary arts, or has taken the time to research the ins and outs of the institution. All of this adds to the feeling of realism while effortlessly building the character of Tea Leaf and Fleur without the need for long paragraphs of expository dialogue.

As the story begins to wind to a close, I was expecting something of a bittersweet ending where poor Tea Leaf is left in the friendzone. With everything we had learned up to that point, it seemed like a natural conclusion to reach. As Fleur dismisses herself it felt like the right thing to do, the two of them were destined to be friends and nothing more..

Then, quite literally, the story takes a giant turn in the other direction and the door bursts open. Confessions of love abound and a tastefully done scene of passion leading to a sleepover (Surely that’s all that happened, right?). The suddenness of this moment caught me off guard, but it does work rather nicely as a little swerve for fans of the romance genre.

Not all love stories have to be tragedies, after all. As we reach the last few paragraphs of the story, the dialogue shifts once again to blunt and I daresay even a bit mean. Tea is reminded several times that she is terrible at certain sexual acts, and her roommate is also very quick to reveal all kinds of embarrassing secrets. (I’m willing to admit this might be more a matter of my social anxiety, to take this critique with a grain of salt.)

‘Usual’ cleverly chooses to end its story in what I would consider to be the middle, leaving burning questions in my mind that I’m left to puzzle out on my own. What will happen to the two star-crossed lovers? Do they live happily ever after, or was the story doomed to be a tragedy from the start?
In my mind, there are many untold stories that I can’t help but imagine. It feels like I’m watching Titanic, and instead of an intermission we see the boat, about to strike the iceberg, as ‘The End’ unfurls across the screen.

No! I want more! There’s so much more to explore, so many ways this relationship can grow and evolve. To be fair, I see this more as a high praise to the story rather than a true nitpick.

Those small criticisms aside, ‘Usual’ is a great read and well worth delving into. To use an analogy appropriate to the story, ‘The Usual’ is akin to a delicious piece of cake; Sweet, layered, and leaving you wanting another slice. My only advice is to dig in, my friends, and take it one slow bite at a time.

Title: The Cost of War by Nugget
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (5/10)
Reason:

All in all it’s just another brick in the wall, I wonder whether this story truly delivers what it promises at the start.

The premise is that this general saw a side of Celestia during the war that almost none others get to see, but I wasn’t really surprised by what it actually was. She got visibly upset by the fact that her soldiers have died, and given what we’ve seen of her already, I can’t really say that’s new information. She has been shown to care deeply for all her subjects, and getting upset when they die protecting her is completely within the realm of what one would expect that she do. Sure most ponies wouldn’t see that, but they had to know that’s who she is. Very little time it spent on rumination about it, as well; maybe if General Sabaton had written some more about how he knew she would react that way but just never expected the Princess to be getting visibly upset and showing she’s just as vulnerable as everypony else, the story would be rated higher. But as soon as she gives him Dawnbreaker, he just expresses his own desires for the war to be over and just mentions that she feels the same way.

So, because of the fact that this side of Celestia nopony sees didn’t really seem all that earth shattering and very little time was actually devoted to it, this fic is a reject.

Title: New Neighbors by David Silver
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (4/10)
Reason:

It’s a story as old as time: family moves to town. Family is of different race. Town kicks them out by force.

But does this story do much new with the concept? Not really.

My main issue with this story is...well, I guess the story itself. I would believe that ponies would be scared of bat ponies coming into town, because the story juxtaposes the initial treatment of Zecora. But if you ask me, attacking a family and burning their house down is going much further than anyone in the show’s been shown or implied to do, or even shown to really have the capacity for. Zecora was met with fear, not hostility. Even when Applejack, a very overprotective mare, had thought that she stole her sister, she didn’t seem to have anywhere near the level of anger that the ponies in this story show. Even then, a great deal of the fear surrounding her came from the fact that she’s from the Everfree Forest—a place considered dangerous and unnatural by all of ponykind. It wasn’t quite the knee jerk reaction of “Hey she looks different than us, she must be bad!” this story presents.

In short, this story tries to put MLP into a mold that it really just doesn’t fit that well into. Because I found the premise to be too unbelievable given what the show has presented us with, I have to reject this fic.

Title: Discord’s Reformation Clinic by Eskerata
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (5/10)
Reason:

This story is probably the most dichotomous ones I’ve read in terms of atmosphere, and unfortunately for the author, I don’t think that’s what they were going for.

The story starts out as a comedy that I actually might have thought would be interesting. Short little scenes with Luna and Fluttershy aside (I felt they were unnecessary), I enjoyed Discord. His mannerisms were captured well, and I thought him actually talking to the writer of the story was exactly how he would come off if he were truly were written down. But then…

The comedic value of this story drops off very quickly and turns into a regular slice of life reformation story we’ve seen a million of, and it doesn’t do a whole lot with that. His solution—just start eating normal pony food—doesn’t work out and seems like a poor attempt to begin with. But then he calls it a success, even though Chrysalis has stated that now she plans to eat food to get energy quicker and rebuild her army faster.

The story tries to provide both comedy and a failed reformation attempt, but doesn’t deliver much on either of those. While it was funny to start, it immediately came to a screeching halt to make way for the story, which seems loosely cobbled together. For that, I am rejecting this.

Title: The Second Round
Author: OkemosBrony

Amount Read: 100%

Rating:

Plot/Theme: 17/20
Technical/Structure: 6/10
Characters: 7/10
Subjective: 7/10
Total: 37/50

Verdict: 7.5/10 - Recommend Acceptance

Welcome, ladies and gents, to another exciting round of reviews. My ‘Second Round’ of reviews to be exact. Oh, I apologize, my dear meme master. I am but naught a young padawan in the ways of the memes, cliches, puns, so on and so forth.

Today, I am reviewing ‘The Second Round’, a narrative with a bit more mature setting to the somewhat niche shipping theme of DiamondBloom. With it being set in a bar and a future where Diamond Tiara and Apple Bloom both being adults, it sets a unique perspective on the whole ‘getting together’ storytelling design.

They are both down on their luck, drinking their misery away over their failed relationships, and they begin to see in each other a second chance at love. Hence the apt title given to their narrative, ‘Second Round’, as it applies to their romance as well as the narrative’s setting in mind.

Before I delve into my nitpicks, which are by far remain to be the technicals of this piece, I feel I must proclaim the story’s positives.

The type of story it tells is a classic archetype that doesn’t delve too far from the normal parameters of said design. I believe this isn’t necessarily a bad choice, however, as it has proven to be, time and again, to leave an emotional impact on the readers. Furthermore, it does well to deliver the succinct message as part of the resolution to this short piece.

That message states, ‘We shouldn’t fear of the ways a relationship won’t work based upon our past lives. That is a blatant disregard for the lessons we’ve learned and doesn’t help us to move forward.’

The fact that this piece is short and still does well to sent that message is a point in this pieces favor.

There are, however, a few technical issues I see that I feel I must address.

The first point is that there is a slight mix of past tense and past perfect tense that I don’t feel blended well together. Take the following passage for example:

Piña’s smile grew larger and more genuine at the joke; no matter how many times Apple Bloom had told it, it had never failed to make them both smile.

We start off with past tense in one sentence and then move into past perfect in the next. If I recall correctly, we go back to past tense afterward. It isn’t a huge issue, but the past perfect isn’t necessary here, so it’s better off without.

“Diamond Tiara?” Apple Bloom asked after a few seconds’ pause of disbelief.

There are at least a few sentences I spotted here where I think changing the order in which the prepositional phrases appear would improve overall flow of the sentence. I’ll provide an example below on how I think we can improve flow slightly.

“Diamond Tiara?” Apple Bloom asked in disbelief after a few seconds’ pause.

In addition to the slight grammar issues I spotted above, there are a few expressions that I found to slightly throw off the tonality of the piece. I’ll depict a few examples below.

As Piña Colada passed Apple Bloom’s freshly-made, pale white drink to her, Diamond Tiara spoke up and tried to order a few very expensive-sounding wines Apple Bloom had never heard of before.

I can’t help but note that, instead of trying to generalize the wine with this kind of descriptor, it would have been more beneficial to the narrative if it had depicted her dialogue here instead, showing her intimate knowledge of wines instead of telling it.

I’m not normally one to preach ‘show versus tell’, but as it stands, the sentence as a whole felt somewhat out of place with the rest of the narrative tonally.

Another example is given below:

She hadn’t really noticed it before now, but she looked very nice. Well, she had to admit that was a lie. She had noticed before, but had never thought anything of it beyond wishing she could look that good.

Unlike with the last example, where there was a tell which created a slight tonal imbalance, this one stems from the choice of wording. Aside from a slight grammatical issue, I don’t believe the wording delivers the intended message as clearly as it could have.

It basically states that she used to be envious, at least to a degree, of Diamond Tiara’s appearance before, whereas now she sees the attraction for what it has really been all along.

I posit something like this to try to get an idea of how we can try to improve upon this passage:

She hadn’t noticed how nice Diamond Tiara looked until that very moment. Up until that point, she had only ever been envious of her good looks and nothing more. Now, she realized what her feelings had been all along. Attraction.

This might still be a bit rough, but I think it conveys your message much more clearly.

Beyond the technicals, the overall flow of the narrative is smooth, the dialogue is interesting, and the resolution leaves a satisfactory impact upon the reader. Though I feel that the scene could have been touched up somewhat and expounded upon to give it more style and flourish, and though I found some of Apple Bloom’s dialogue to be somewhat too formal, I’m happy to give this story a pass.

Title: The Nightmare in the Corner
Author: MidnightChaos

Amount Read: 100%

Rating:

Plot/Theme: 8/20
Technical/Structure: 4/10
Characters: 4/10
Subjective: 2/10
Total: 22/50

Verdict: 4.5/10 - Recommend Rejection

Normally, I have something tangible for the author to chew on when it comes to reviews. Something they can really dig into and immediately apply toward future projects.

This time around, however, I will be finding it a little bit more difficult a challenge to accomplish because, even if I point out the things I think don’t work toward the story’s benefit, I don’t know if I can capture the true essence of the issue.

That is because I honestly can’t tell what it was trying to achieve. I will, however, try my best to steer things in the right direction to help bring out the best in it.

What better way to do that than with the technicals. I noted several grammatical issues, ranging from capitalization issues, missing words, typographical issues, and missing commas (including missing punctuation for dialogue tags in later chapters), just to name a few.

I’ll list a few to depict what I’m seeing. Marks in red are for what I believe should be there, while marks in bold are issues I see.

“I have given everyone, children included, some extremely graphic Nightmares

“Who am I what?” cora asked before looking at herself before freezing in place.

"WHo are you? How dare you interfere in this!"

Whether or not these aspects were used the same way was another question.

This time, the greeting did not speak out but the item did gow, if not softly.

Not exactly a good plan, as that meant I could anticipate it;, whether or not I could strike was another.

There were a few points where I think a little concision is in order.

It wasn’t that hard to control, merely hard to keep under control for any extended length of time.

The above quote, for example, can be changed to the following:

It wasn’t that hard to control, at least in short duration.

There were a few awkward phrases placed sporadically throughout the narrative. Here are a few examples:

He had a scythe in one hand, it seeming to be light of weight to him.

Discord shouted, fear crossing his eyes

The above quote is more awkward due to a conflicting expression of ideas than an awkwardly structured sentence. I think something about how his brows furled over his eyes in an expression of fear would have been more apt.

There are a few empty descriptions, as well, that doesn't really describe the scenes. Take the following passage for example:

The being looked to the nightmare demon, his body turning into a black and white outline as his body was surrounded by an aura of TV static, when he spoke, it was cold, dark, and promising of death.

I’m not sure what an aura of TV static is supposed to look like, precisely. Furthermore, this kind of description feels edgy to me and doesn’t particularly work as an ominous description of the character here.

Beyond the technicals, things get a bit more difficult for me to puzzle out. I think the protagonist in the narrative might have two personalities, or perhaps two souls inhabiting the same body. Expounding upon that conclusion, they might even be struggling for dominance inside a body that is being granted god-like powers beyond comprehension. The protagonist’s mind might have even become fractured as a result of this, and we, the readers, must deduce this much from the disjointed flow that this creates.

Of course, this is all pure speculation on my part. I feel as though I’ve missed the mark entirely. However, I supply this while depicting my doubts to you in a straightforward manner because, if I have gotten so far off the mark that my description of the protagonist might as well been from a different story, then that says something about the condition of the narrative as a whole.

The disjointed sensation I get from the flow of events doesn’t leave me with an entirely satisfactory feeling, but I really wish I could have been able to supply more solid advice. It genuinely frustrates me that I am unable. As it stands, however, I feel I must reject this story at this time.

Title: Crush on Pinkie
Author: Raw Cringe

Amount Read: 100%

Rating:

Plot/Theme: 6/20
Technical/Structure: 2/10
Characters: 6/10
Subjective: 3/10
Total: 17/50

Verdict: 3.5/10 - Recommend Rejection

Before I delve into my nitpicks with the way this story was presented to me, I’d like to express the positives that I note with this story. The characterization within this piece is consistent with an innocent protagonist whose only wish is to avoid the temptations of the worldly feelings of love, seeing it as a sin before his religious idol’s eyes.

The interactions between Pinkie Pie and the protagonist, while rushed and very brief, are by far the strongest point in this narrative. The touch at the end that alludes to Pinkie Pie sharing the same religious viewpoints as the protagonist is a nice touch that is well-grounded in the believability of Pinkie Pie’s character.

Unfortunately, because the entire narrative is hampered down in awful syntax, it’s hard to appreciate this fact. I’ll just dig right into it.

The opening sequence of the narrative had a very rudimentary and largely uninteresting hook. Boys are over here, girls are over there, genders are separate, etc. I don’t have a problem with the content itself so much as the way it was told. The first one hundred words in a story are absolutely critical for drawing in and maintaining a reader’s interest.

Then, there are long-winded passages like this:

When I think about how it would hurt a girl's human dignity to degrade her in such a way mentally, by looking at her with an impure glance, I panic when my mind's eye engages and I see the clawing, skinny devils limp sadistically around a girl, flaying her alive with blood-spattered cat o' nine-tails as the air begins to smell metallic, and I see the hope drain from the girl's eyes as she pierces me with her gaze, whimpering "Why... why would you do this to me?"

I’ll be frank here and point out that I stopped reading this sentence after the word ‘glance’. For this to be more satisfactory to the readers' eyes, this would have to be broken up into several sentences to produce clarity to its significance. The longer a passage, the harder it is to maintain an understanding of what it’s trying to say.

On a more general note, the narrative is riddled with grammatical issues ranging from run-on sentences, awkward phrasing, missing commas, tense and plurality issues, so on and so forth. I have, written below, examples of a number of the things I am seeing.

When the last bell would ring and I would walk to my home both schools would let out the students.

There needs to be a comma after ‘ring’. This type of issue presents itself a number of times.

I didn't know how to make friends with a girl though especially since I didn't have any classes together with girls.

I feel as though a comma after ‘though’ would make the passage above smoother.

I was afraid of the temptations, and I like it in our cozy apartment. We have crucifixes on the walls and I can read the Bible all that I want.

The tense switches here mid sentence. Later on in the paragraph it goes back to past tense.

But it is really amazing, both the speed and the intensity of the feeling are overwhelming.

This sentence feels simultaneously awkward and has a plurality issue. The phrase ‘...feeling are…’ doesn’t exactly sound right. I think the sentence would look better if it was written something like this:

It truly is amazing; the speed and intensity of the feelings are overwhelming.

Another awkward phrase is depicted below:

It was a good deal of years old, built in frontier times I think, and made of red brick.

There are also a few issues with the flow of the narrative.

I was afraid of being put into public school because I have heard the stories.

I found myself trying to figure out what stories the character was talking about. If it was ever mentioned, it passed me by.

If she was wearing any makeup, I did not notice it. "I'm Pinkie Pie. Mind if I sit next to you?"

In the quote above, Pinkie Pie is asking if it’s alright for her to sit next to the protagonist. The only problem I had with it was that she was already seated next to him, yet it was phrased as if she wasn’t seated yet. This might just be a small nitpick, though.

Conclusion:

Like I mentioned before, there is a touching moment between the protagonist and Pinkie Pie in this narrative. Due to the syntax of this story, however, I must reject this story at this time.

Story: Sensual Slumber (No linky link, story is mature!)

Author: Jay the Stormtrooper

Amount Read: 100% (9,688 words)

Decision: 8/10 Accept

Review:

Dear lord, I’m gonna get a cavity. That’s what I was thinking as I was reading this story. And I stand by that after reading the full story. This is not a bad thing. A sweet relationship in a clop story is a bonus in my view. The chemistry as written between Garrett and Bon Bon was completely adorable.

Now, I need to say something about the grammar. I’m no grammar master, so the standards for me are simple, does bad spelling or grammar knock me out of the suspension of disbelief necessary to enjoy this story. The answer is…nope.

As to the plot of the story, it actually rolls along quite fluidly, the characters are introduced, and they lie there together, talking and enjoying spending time together. The characterizations comes across smoothly, and everything seems to be quite believable. Bon bon is shown to be a rather shy mare, but was brought out of her shell by Garrett, and that works quite well. And when we get down to it, she asks if there are things they can do in bed, that he would enjoy. To spice up their sex life. Okay, that works. He hems and haws, and gets her to answer the question first. And she tells him she wouldn’t mind a little bit of tying up and light bondage… On reading, I’m gonna say, I wouldn’t mind to see a sequel based on him doing what she finds a bit kinky. Might be fun. Then we get to what he wants. And it’s him to have sex with her, waking her up doing so. Hmmm.

Now, some would call that rape, without express consent. And yes, that might be true, but in a relationship, such consent can be given in advance, I would think. Bon bon thinks it’s rather odd, but they decide to cuddle and go to sleep. Okay. Then the next morning, he gets up and goes for a run. Bon bon wakes up after, and notices that he’s gone. She thinks about the previous night, and decides she wants that, so she arranges herself to be enticing to him when he returns. He does so, and sexy times ensue.

When it comes to a story, my number one question is…did this story entertain me? And on this one, yes. Yes it did, quite well. This was a cute and very sweet story. And it was quite thoroughly enjoyable. So, I’m quite pleased to accept this story into the café!

Title: The Fourth Season by PaulAsaran
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (6/10)
Reason:

My biggest criticism for this story comes from the scene between Applejack and Sunset at the end, where Applejack reveals the reason for their day together: humans are hard work, not like ponies.

But it’s centered around ponies and humans being different in affection, which I didn’t really believe, making me just not able to get this fic. Humans are inherently social creatures, and we have personality disorders we’ll diagnose people with when they don’t want any sort of relationship, romantic or otherwise. Maybe ponies are more social than humans are, but that leads me to my next point.

That next point is there’s a lot in this story you need to know to really get a good, accurate view of what’s happening, but it’s only scantily explored. Sunset touches on the fact that ponies crave affection, but she just says it. Again, as I mentioned before, when I read that, I thought to myself, “Well, so do humans.” It would have benefitted greatly if she had demonstrated just how it was different, because I’ve never been to Equestria. I don’t know what she’s talking about, and as such, I didn’t understand why Applejack was trying to show her that a human relationship is hard work as opposed to a pony one, which seems to be easy (which many early episodes of the show have shown to be false). Maybe it would have helped if more detail was given about her past relationships with Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity, but there’s not a terrible amount to go off of. Rarity is the only one that really has anything to add to that conversation, because with both Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, it’s mentioned that they’re not interested in women—no matter how hard or not hard Sunset tried, that relationship was never going to work, so using them as examples isn’t very strong.

For positives, I’ll say that it’s not a bad story. It’s long and while I think it was kind of slow to really do much with its premise, at least it reads well and didn’t make me bored. I think Applejack was captured pretty well throughout, and the way she interacted with Sunset was nice to read especially at the end, because she managed to be laid-back and firm at the same time.

To summarize, despite being on the longer end of one-shots, it’s not a bad read and while it is kind of slow, it’s not dragging and does get to the point, albeit in more time than I’m used to. However, because a large portion of the story’s framing is not very strong, I was left with a premise I felt didn’t deliver terribly well and am rejecting the fic.

Title: The Gentle Nights: Audience of One
Author: Paul Asaran
Read: 100%
Decision: Accept
Score: 9

Very well done! And thanks for waiting like a champ for so long. Just ask me if you'd like a long form personal review. I bet I could get at least 3K words out, because because the Cafe does everything in one big archive thread, I keep it compact here.

This story is a genuine slow burn romance. I love slow burn romance. Very well done for building the most genuine relationship I have ever seen on fimfic. Seriously, this is how a love story SHOULD be written. If I can ever get to be 1% as good as you are at this, I should find myself world famous. There's alien brain worm "because the story demands it - NA0 K!55!!1!!1" shipping , and then there's romance. This is romance at its best. I appreciate the relationship. Luna isn't just a moody girl, she's a genuinely strange, maladjusted, lonely, goodhearted character, and that's something people just don't get. The concept of being genuinely like is something a lot of real people also have issues with, but seldom is that brought into fiction in the same way it is with Luna and Octavia here. Octavia for her part is interesting. Conflicted and also slightly lonely would be the best descriptors of her. She has to overcome her own personal doubts and gradually come to see something greater in Luna. And as for your Luna, well, I'm borrowing her for later. Technically, the fic is near flawless -- it took most of the story before the first errors were even spotted, and they were tiny things. The real reason I didn't give this fic a 10, though I did toy with it, is because it was being reviewed around the same time as a fic that did get it. And unfortunately, next to a fic that sweeps through the Cafe and dominates near everything for several days running, an unmelodramatic but still thoroughly enjoyable fic doesn't quite compare. Also, the Nightmare Night parts are definitely far from your best work -- what you had to do to make it fit by sticking to the canon was agonizing. The story could have done without Nightmare Night entirely, or just had it occur offscreen while we were with Octavia. Anyhow, I am glad to finally welcome in this masterpiece of romantic writing into the Cafe!

Title: Wild Card: Princess of Gambling by Little Tigress
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (2.5/10)
Reason:

The first thing I have to criticize in this story is the writing itself, because it’s not that great. The grammar needs some work (capitalization is inconsistent, dialogue is sometimes punctuated correctly but usually not), and overall it’s just not well executed. It shifts from 1st to 3rd person, and the exposition shows the author’s inexperience, mostly in their inability to really stay on topic when telling the story.

The next thing is the comedy. I wasn’t even aware this story was tagged “comedy” until I finished reading, because it’s all very forced and none of it really comes out as funny because of such. Looking back, I’m not even sure where I could even point out where comedy was attempted, because it fell flat.

Basically, this story seems to be an early foray into writing, and I think the author is not quite there yet. For those reasons, I am rejecting this fic.

Title: Barri|iers by Ice Star
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (6.5/10)
Reason:

I actually enjoyed this story, but it left me feeling unsatisfied and wanting more.

The concept is neat and interesting, but my main complaint is it’s never really shown. Celestia is listing all these things that she feels sorry for, but she’s just listing them, never letting us see them. A little bit of unknown is nice in a story to keep you thinking, but too much unknown can just make you not invest in it a whole lot because there’s little you can grasp onto and get attached to.

While I think this story has potential (and who knows, maybe it would even be an accept had it just been tacked on as a second chapter to the prequel you allegedly don’t need to read), it ultimately doesn’t capitalize on that very well and for that I have to reject it.

Title: Granny Blows Best

Author: kalash93

Amount Read: 100%

Rating:

Plot/Theme: 15/20
Technical/Structure: 5/10
Characters: 5/10
Subjective: 7/10
Total: 32/50
Verdict: 6.5/10 - Recommend Rejection (Second Opinion by Lome)

Whoever said that trollfics had no artistic merit? In Granny Blows Best, that is anything but the case. This hit my funny bone in all the right places, and I thought it did its job well in delivering a satisfying impact on readers looking to enjoy a good clop.

There are a few noteworthy issues that I must present, however. There are a few areas where concision is in order. Take the following passage for example:

They were lit by a lone lightbulb -- a lone lightbulb, bare, unadorned, its old glass yellowing, its light dimmer and shakier than it should have been.

Even though the sentence was rephrased, as the hyphen would indicate, the repetition still didn’t look entirely pleasant so close together. A slight rewording can easily rectify this, though, so it’s not a significant issue.

Additionally, there were a few misspelled words. I noticed at least one homophone issue - too instead of two - as well. One particular passage that I think has a misspelled word is presented below:

Big Mac sat there looking lost, fiddling his hoover together

I think hoover is supposed to be hooves. Hoover, as far as I know, has to deal with vacuum cleaners, so I don’t know how this translates to the scene. Perhaps there is an additional definition of the word that I am unaware of.

I think there was at least one or two placements of misspelled words that looked intentional, as stated below:

“Uh, Granny, three hunnert is a hell of a lot less than the couple thousand we need.”

Hunnert might be a play onto Applejack’s dialect. If this is the case, I don’t think that translates as cleanly as it could have within the narrative.

Moving onto the characterization, the dialogue tags didn’t line up quite the way I’d expect from the characters times. This quality of the narrative seemed to be sacrificed for the sake of delivering a both astounding and perplexing situation onto us.

I’d like to clarify that this isn’t necessarily the ruination to the piece’s overall enjoyment, as this is a legitimate design choice for this type of thematic concept.

However, I can’t help but wonder if the work could have somewhat benefited from making their characterization more passable in the realm of possibility whilst maintaining that flair of comedic relief. As it sits, the skewed characterization doesn’t translate as being executed well for some readers, and it can appear to be nonsensical simply for the sake of clop.

If this suggestion is manageable, then this would create a truly spectacular selling point for this narrative (I would like to note that, oddly enough, I think Granny Smith’s dialogue seemed the closest to that notion, at least with regards to the first half of the act).

I couldn’t find much else to point out that you could improve upon with regards to the plot or the thematic concept. There were a couple of logical issues in it though, which I think disrupted flow somewhat. Take the following for example:

“And we need to come up with at least two thousand bits by Wednesday?”

“Yes, Dearie. Why? You think you’re not one hundred precent because you got hit in the noggin or somthin’?”

Granny’s response doesn’t quite follow up in my head here. Might be a bit of a wording issue. Is she trying to say Applejack doesn’t understand the deadline, or that she doesn’t grasp the gravity of the situation? Don’t get me wrong: this statement is funny. I just don’t understand the context.

Conclusion:

What ultimately leads me to reject this story is its execution. From the grammar mistakes to the characterization failing to land the situation in the realm of possibility. The overarching theme, though, is wonderful, and I found its comedy to be quite humorous.

Title: Zap Apples, The Forbidden Fruit

Author: Mochas Dungeon

Amount Read: 14 chapters

Rating:

Plot/Theme: 9/20
Technical/Structure:6/10
Characters:3/10
Subjective:2/10
Total:20/50
Verdict:4/10 - Recommend Rejection

Zap Apples, The Forbidden Fruit, is a story about Rainbow Dash and Applejack getting together. It is a little harder for me to really describe much about it beyond that. They went on a date, went to a party, Rainbow Dash works, Applejack works, etc.

This narrative feels like a collection of events happening with the only real tangible idea being expressed in this story is the fact that Rainbow Dash’s and Applejack’s relationship exists.

There is no further evidence needed than their date scene. They go to a fine restaurant for lunch, we get a little bit of eating action from them, Rainbow complains about it being expensive, but pays nevertheless, and then they leave. The scene doesn’t precisely give me the type of bonding experience I’d expect out of a date.

On a further note, I wasn’t exactly sold on the setup of their romance in the first place. Apple Jack went to Rainbow Dash’s home, they hung out, and then they suddenly had feelings for each other for a long time.

The opening chapters of the narrative depicted Rainbow Dash as being somewhat all over the place with regards to her characterization. She was inexplicably unsettled by the notion of society suddenly realizing her sexuality and bearing down on her lifestyle with all the force of a nuclear warhead.

Then, she became accusatory toward Applejack when she so much as mentioned Twilight during their talk about what it was like with other mares. Half of the conversation seemed to be non sequitur, Rainbow Dash coming to a realization that we aren’t cued in on about Applejack’s history. It was like she warped to a previous scene and saw Applejack going into Twilight’s castle and then assuming the worst. I don’t understand why she was upset about being accusatory anyways; immediately prior to this event, she was wondering about being with other mares herself, and she wasn’t comfortable kissing Applejack.

The list of oddities grows as the narrative unfolds. Whole scenes were glossed over so quickly that I wondered why they were even there in the first place. Take their preparation for the party, for instance. Rarity helps Applejack and Rainbow Dash out individually all in the span of just a few hundred words each. It makes me wonder why they couldn’t have just described the circumstance of their preparations at the opening of the party scene instead (i.e. Rarity picked this dress out for Applejack).

One particularly aggravating idea that was expressed and then quickly dismissed, only to never be brought up again (as far as I’m aware of) was the issue of Big Mac and Cheerilee’s fling... in the middle of a class of foals. Seriously.

Applejack gets super upset with him, which is understandable. He says one comment, and she then inexplicably forgives him. Never mind the fact that the love potion was crafted by the CMC which caused it in the first place. The idea of them being at fault isn’t even entertained.

There are additionally some contrivances with the plot. I don’t really buy the fact that ponies would be judgmental over something like sexuality in the first place, but their reasoning is really questionable.

"Don't acknowledge another unless they're open about it. Religious families have been known to disown an entire generation from their clans over admittance. Times are good, but they have a ways to go until these ‘Nightmare Moon’ or ‘Celestia Celibates’ cults go on with their own lives."

They would disown an entire generation? I understand that the basis of such a decision cannot be grounded in logic, but an entire generation would seem a bit preposterous. Keep in mind that that phrasing would include individuals who had absolutely nothing to do with homosexuality.

"Cuz Rainbow, it ain’t against the law. It’s just not a good way to repopulate since the Age of Discord threw mares five ta one against stallions.”

If I am understanding this correctly, mares outnumber stallions by a large majority. Because of this, it’s frowned upon for mares to be with other mares. If that’s the case, it’s a matter of numbers at that point. Did it never occur to them to point out that there wouldn’t be enough stallions to go around?

I didn’t notice any major issues with grammar, although there were missing commas and a few spelling issues, I believe. There certainly wasn’t anything super detrimental to the story as a whole. Although, I did notice formatting issues. It was mostly with the number of spaces between paragraphs. Sometimes italics, and even colored text, were used unnecessarily as well.

I could delve deeper into this story to talk about more specific events later if you’re interested in discussing this in greater detail. Hopefully I have addressed all of the major contrivances (characterization, scene execution/diction, logical issues, etc.) I had with this story. All this is what leads me to reject this story at this time. I hope this review has been helpful for you, as you deserve success for the time and effort you put into your work.

Title: Hunter’s Moon
Author: Brony-wan-kenobi

Amount Read: 100%

Rating:

Plot/Theme: 19/20
Technical/Structure: 9/10
Characters: 8/10
Subjective: 10/10
Total: 46/50

Verdict: 9/10 - Recommend Acceptance

Hunter’s Moon has the kind of narrative style that really sends my imagination into the universe that it constructs. The amount of world-building presented made me want to explore all that it had to offer from start to finish. Its pacing, its diction, and its setup all lead up to a satisfying read with each scene that unfolded before me. Given the thematic concept, I do not praise the merits to this narrative lightly.

Everyone who knows me will tell you. I dislike clop. I usually get nothing out of that genre of writing. So when I read this story when it first came out, it managed to break through that barrier and entertain me despite my lack of interest in the genre. What was once a mild interest in its description quickly became a read that I absolutely adored.

I felt that was an achievement that needed to be expressed here. So, when I found it in the submissions folder, I simply had to review it. My second read of it was just as entertaining as the first. I really struggle to find something constructive to dispense, but I’ll do my best.

Concerning the mechanics, there are only a few things that I took note of. The ellipsis weren’t consistent at the start of the narrative. Sometimes it was two; other times it was three. I believe there was the rare instance of either a missing word or a wrong word used. A typographical error around one punctuation mark that I noted (a space then comma instead of a comma then space).

Of course, I’m really nitpicking at this point. The sentence flow was very smooth and easy to follow along with. At no point did I wonder, ‘perhaps this could be better phrased as such’.

The thematic concept itself was thoroughly fleshed out. With this narrative being set in universe of the Clockwork Society, it was packed full of lore and ideas. All the while, it never became overwhelming to the reader.

That being said, there might be a few alterations that I could suggest to think about. One thing to consider comes in the form of ‘The Hunt’, when Hunter was chasing Moondancer to make her his pet. I don’t mean to imply that anything is wrong with the scene as-is, but there was one aspect of it that wasn’t entirely explored.

During the chase scene, Hunter didn’t really have any visible threat to take Moondancer away from him other than her simply getting away from him. if an adversary were added to give another dynamic to the chase, it’s quite possible this would have made the scene far more complicated than necessary to execute well, but the suggestion of that being a possibility in the narrative does give rise to the desire to see such an event transpire to give more thrill to the chase.

What it does instead is, nevertheless, interesting by its own right. A yak, who was considering chasing her, instead passes her up for another sub to hunt. This introduces a side to her that the suggestion could possibly have given up had it been executed. And that is depicting Moondancer’s abandonment issues.

I don’t entirely believe the trade-off is wholeheartedly beneficial. My recollections are that there isn’t much of a backstory behind her abandonment issues. I believe it’s there, but not as prominent as it could have been to show us that air of stability that Moondancer was looking for in a master.

One other scene where we could quite possibly suggest some alterations come at the ending of the story, which comes a little sudden. There is a slight and unexpected tonality shift introduced when he is taking her home. It becomes about him feeling the need to exert pressure onto her in order to give her a more stable environment.

It isn’t that this was a bad concept to have in here, but I felt its execution was a little off-putting. For something like this, Moondancer may not have relented to allowing him take her home in the first place. There is the legitimate fear to consider with regards to being abandoned upon the sight of the state of her abode.

Furthermore, the conclusion drawn away from this closing scene doesn’t precisely introduce the clear desire to read additional installments, something that was expressed in the closing author’s notes of the story. Moondancer is getting a new home, and hunter is getting to have more intimate time with Moondancer. It’s a happily ever after type ending that feels somewhat forced (keep in mind that it doesn’t feel super forced).

If, instead, we were given supposition to the circumstance of Moondancer’s issues, some closing exposition, and an expression of an exploration of their relationship would have driven a more satisfactory close to this beautiful piece. It would give us a sense of wanting to know more about the development of their relationship while lending us allusion towards the possibility of this ending their relationship.

That being said, I really enjoyed everything this narrative had to offer, and with its wonderful delivery of satisfactory clop, I wholeheartedly welcome it into the Cafe.

Title: After the Thousand Year Change: Color Scheme by Darthvalgaav
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (5/10)
Reason:

My first criticism of the story is its mechanics. It’s never really wrong (outside of a few mistakes, but everyone has at least a few slip-ups) and not really bad, but it does feel kind of unpolished. Especially at the start of the story, there’s not much variation in sentence structure: Rarity did this. Color Scheme did that. This thing was present in the room. It’s not quite as bad or noticeable later on, but it persists throughout and can make it kind of boring to read.

The next, and biggest criticism, is Rarity. She’s the main character, and she’s followed throughout the entire thing—but she is overall unimportant to the story. The entire first scene, where she meets Color Scheme and makes the dress for her, really seems to exist to justify her inclusion into the story. Had it started with Color Scheme going to Canterlot for this ceremony, it would have felt a much more natural story because honestly, there were times I forgot Rarity was even in it. Related to that, I’d say there’s a not-insignificant amount of fat that needs to be trimmed. The plot progresses at what I think is a good pace, just sometimes it’ll wander off before coming back.

Finally, I have to pull in the main antagonist: Sexist Comment (guess what he does in the story? If you guessed “exactly what you’d expect”, you’re right) into this. Name aside, he’s fairly flat. He has one dimension—being sexist—and that’s all he really seems to add to the story. He doesn’t even make a good competitor for Color, because while she was given a 25 out of 30 for her comic, he was given a 3 out of 30, the lowest possible score (since the 3 judges cannot rate anything lower than a 1). Which brings up the question: why is he still around if he clearly isn’t good at what he does?

For summary, I’ll say that this story isn’t bad; it’s a decent read, but nothing really stands out as going above and beyond. That, in addition to the issues I presented above, are the reasons I am rejecting this fic.

6233234

I understand you want a review. Submissions open in a couple of days, and you can submit it into the appropriate folder then. However, I must inform you that this thread is for reviews only.

Author: PatchworkPoltergeist
Title: Diminishing Returns
Reviewer: Milo Chalks
Verdict: 7 - Reject, seconded by OkemosBrony

The fic features some interesting themes around parenting and what it’s like taking step into an already established family. It was really interesting and I was very interested to see where the fic would go. It’s hard finding an original premise like this buried deep these days and it was refreshing to see something new and exciting, please keep this up. The prose was interesting and flowy but you really should watch out, I know it is literarily okay to use the same paragraph for the same speaker if there is action in the middle of the dialogue…. But use this sparingly. If it’s used a lot then it can be difficult for the reader to decipher where the speaking begins, I had gotten through an entire paragraph confused off my ass because I read an action like it was the dialogue. If you do find yourself doing that, just make the new dialogue it’s own paragraph, it’s a lot easier to read!

Yet, the thing that unfortunately let this interesting fic down was the pace. It was very slow. In about 4000 words we finally understood what this whole fic was about and by the end of it, we hadn’t gone all that far from the beginning. This fic would have been an easy pass if it was done in about four thousand words. It took so long to get to different subject sections I took two days to read it. There was so much gap between tense moments and deep conversation. But! What made this thing a lot easier to read was the idea of having something to tie the subject matter back to. That being the quiche idea. It was a clever way of making everything come back together and draw the reader back into the general picture. It was like looking at a picture so closely and getting pulled back and seeing so much more than just the tiny part I had been analysing. So big win for that. But sadly the word count and gap length between moments within the story make this a reject. I enjoyed this fic and I really hope that you keep writing like this, keep up the new and inventive ideas, it’s so refreshing to see.

Title: The Wayfarers
Author: TheFictionAddiction
Read: 100%
Decision: Accept
Score: 9

Very well done. You have made a solid adventure story with complex characters, sensible backstories, realistic interactions, meaningful dialogue, and even some suspense. There's a little bit of everything here. I like how you interplay your main two leads and how they bicker, disagree, and really ultimately are true friends just looking out for each other. He's got his alcoholism, and she's got her strange denial of her need to consume love. I honestly thought 90K+ of just ponies wandering around and scraping by and getting into situations would be boring without any kind of end goal, but I was wrong. Very well done. Welcome to the archive.

Title: I'm Your villain
Author: Famous Last Words (Collab with Seventh Heaven)
Read: 100%
Decision: Reject
Score: 4

What's this, me ripping a fic by FLW a new one? Why yes indeed! The basic summary is Spike goes to the Grand Galloping Gala with Starlight Glimmer, as a date. That's a cute idea, but the execution is far below what I have come to expect from you, Famous. And even if things I kvetch came from Seventh, it was uploaded on your account with your approval and should have gotten your level of polish and refinement.

I like the premise, and the story did end up cute, but the whole thing felt like a wasted opportunity. With a title like "I'm Your Villain", it promised me plenty of Starlight development and depth, as well as a look into her life as a reformed villain. Unfortunately, apart from a quick couple dialogue exchanges, this promise goes nowhere. She and Spike could have bonded over both having somewhat checkered pasts, We got no depth added to either character. We got a bit of expansion on dragons in general, which is just dandy, but it doesn't do anything to really ease the lost opportunity And then came the random section breaks. Instead of showing us the good bits that would really let the story hit home and letting it work its magic, you took the lazy way out and just TOLD us afterwards how great it was. No. Show don't tell is a class writing rule for a reason. In fact, I notice you doing a lot of telling instead of showing in this story. What gives? You're better than this.

The fic also had a big number of gramatical errors. Gala is not a proper noun, nor are canterlot elites. Do not capitalize them unless they begin a sentence! Sentence fragments abounded, too. Frankly, even without the story issues, I was tempted to flunk this purely on technical grounds. Seriously, FLW, what gives? You can do way better than this, and I've seen you do it. I know you can do far better. And while I am also not very familiar with SH, he has a lot of followers and an extensive library; he should be more than capable of holding up his end of the collab, or at least providing good material that can be ground and polished into form.

Title: Comforting Her Majesty by kalash93
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (6.5/10)
Reason:

Two months ago, I opened my reviews for the cycle with a review of Why The Immortal Smiles, the prequel fic for this story. So, I figured, why not open this cycle with Comforting Her Majesty and allowing kalash93 to redeem himself?

Unfortunately, the principal reason for this story’s reject is through its style and mechanics. It flows smoothly, but it’s more like honey than water: it’s thick and slow. Numerous very large paragraphs with some flowery language that borders waxing poetic, then taken up by some conversations of decent length where every sentence is short and has no dialogue tags or action happening between them. The style gets to be pretty dichotomous, and it all just kind of blends together and becomes a ton of meandering sentences following each other.

However, I can say that I enjoyed this story. Celestia’s personality is explored very well, and Just Fact provides a good contrast to Cellotape Celery the Princess, as well as being a good vehicle to allow her pensiveness to come forth. However, I will say it comes into the pitfall a lot of pensive stories (including this one’s prequel) run into: it doesn’t seem to be very cohesive, so sometimes it can be hard to really follow what Celestia is thinking.

So, what’s the final judgment for this story?

In short, I think this is a good concept that can get buried in itself and its delivery, and for that reason I am rejecting this story.

Title: The Sibling Situation by Samey90
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (4.5/10)
Reason:

Reviewing was OkemosBrony’s destiny. He did it at 2 in the morning because what else does he have going on in his life?

The biggest reason for this story’s reject is the execution of its premise. It’s not a bad premise, but I think it would have worked much better if it had remained just that: a premise. It kind of drags on for the story’s entirety and especially near the end, it gets way too out there to really do much in the humor department. It brings a nice spin to the common problem of trying to understand how background ponies fit into the show (instead of trying to make sense of it, the author just says “fuck it!” and produces this story), but everything else didn’t really seem to add much in the terms of either story or humor. For that reason, this is a reject.

Title: Arrived At Dusk
Author: Aliengirlguy
Read: 100%
Decision: Reject
Score: 3

This fic fails hard. It's a hard thing to write a Harry Potter anything, because it puts you in the position of having to be compared to Harry Potter. Unfortunately, doing a crossover makes there be two or more sets of source material to get right. There's not too much to say about this fic. Firstly, it needs to get its grammar redone from top to bottom. Secondly, Harry Potter as a Mary Sue alicorn OC. No, just no. NO! Thirdly, this story is boring, bereft of any sort of conflict or tension worth really getting invested in. Thirdly, there is far too much telling instead of showing. Fourthly, you make terrible use of section breaks -- they are not only numerous, but also easy to miss. Fimfic's text editor as the option to put in a big, honking, obvious horizontal line to do that. Fifthyl, the prose is just agonizing to read. I really don't know how you did that.

Title: A Negative
Author: Jack Ripper
Read: 100%
Decision: Reject
Score: 5

it's cute and fun. I don't normally like shipfics much, but this one made me smile. Congrats on doing that. The romance is cute, and the grammar is sound, but there are other deep problems. The prose structure is unacceptable. Paragraphs should not routinely be 2-3 sentences long. There's no point to it and it's honestly obnoxious. It also harms the general flow of the story by not creating the natural ebb and flow of paragraph sizes to set speed as well as emphasis. The romance also was extremely rushed, going from not knowing each other to being highly intimate together to the extent that there was a sort of meeting the parents moment in just a single date.

Title: Sisters!?!? by Darthvalgaav
Amount Read: All currently published (through Who’s the boss)
Verdict: Reject (5/10)
Reason:

My first criticism for this story is the actual plot regarding just exactly how Twilight and Scootaloo are related. It’s deduced that they’re half sisters through Twilight Velvet, and the rest of the story you’re left wondering what exactly happened. And that’s the problem—nothing ever comes out of that in the story’s 17 thousand word count, so it’s just a constant delaying of the biggest question any reader would have about it. I can get a little bit here and there to try and lead you on and keep you interested, but after Twilight gets the letter from her father, there’s almost nothing done about that plot again. It’s promised to us early on, then tossed aside and then other subplots come through.

The next thing I have to point out is how Twilight and Scootaloo act in the last currently published chapter (Who’s the boss), because I thought they were both pretty OOC throughout the whole time. Twilight seems almost too overbearing and controlling of Scootaloo, more so than we’ve seen of her in the show. She seems to have lost any sort of diplomatic ability she’s gained over the show’s run, just defaulting to the mom mode of “do your homework young man”. And while Scootaloo doesn’t really seem too unrealistically portrayed, she does go from 0 to 100 really quickly. One moment she’s just surprised that she and Twilight are sisters, then the next she’s lashing out at her for telling her to do her homework. There’s never really any development surrounding this, and it then just becomes really rushed.

Finally, the mechanics. They were usually pretty fine, needs a fine polish but it’s not anything really endemic. However, in the last chapter…

Could she of handled this better somehow?

It’s “Could she have”, not “Could she of”! I understand it’s pronounced the same by a lot of people, myself included, but it’s a big pet peeve of mine to see such a mistake in writing. Rant ended!

Overall, I don’t think this fic is a terrible concept, but it hasn’t really delivered on it. Maybe when there’s a little more we can see, but right now because there’s constant delaying of any explanation and some characterization I think that is a bit stretched, I am rejecting this fic.

Title: Breakneck Fantasy
Author: Verbose Mode
Read: 100%
Decision: Accept
Score: 8

Well, I didn't think I'd accept a thousand word fic, but here I am. Well done. You got everything you needed done in one very tight package. Story is good. Characters are all on point. I like the premise and think this should be canon, bu they had to go for that fucktarded 'they all get da sam3 cooty m4rk' shit in the show. You said you were wondering about sequels. I think Scootaloo could dedicate her life to aerospace engineering, aiming to create something like affordable personal autogyros to help flightless ponies reach the skies. Lastly, the grammar was totally flawless. I checked thrice. Welcome to the archive.

Title: A New Destiny
Author: Pen Dragon
Read: 100%
Decision: Reject
Score: 2

Oh dear sweet Jesus fuck in George Washington's cherry tree! This is bad, really really bad! This story has terrible focus, jumping around constantly between times and places with little rhyme or reason. The prose makes my eyes bleed for several reasons. First, the grammar is absolutely horrendous -- capitalizations aren't so much used as they are randomly strewn about. Punctuation is more like guidelines than actual rules. There is minimal variation in sentences, structures, and paragraphs. This makes it agonizing to read as well as boring. Pacing, what pacing? We're eightteen thousand words in with no sign of half the tags you've promised. The characters are nonsensical and all equally bland. The whole thing depends on random jargon and technicalities indigenous to this fic alone, and yet are not explained, nor do they make sense. So as a result, we have no reason to give a shit, other than you telling us to, which is no reason at all. And none of the strengths of crossover fiction get used whatsoever. Instead of combining IP's and universes in interesting ways, we just get shit slapped together for no reason. And last but not least, LEAVE AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER OUT OF THIS! Pick an IP to sodomize and stick with it, but seriously, out of all the IP's, that one has the absolute least reason to be in this, and you're marring the childhoods of your readers. This story isn't starting or slow or having a rough start, it's DOA! It's not often I go this harsh on a fic, but ho boy this one needs it.

Name: Right on Schedule
Scheiber: Samey90
Gelesen: 100%
Rechnung: Ablehnen
Wertung: 5

Fast, aber kein Gluck. Tut mir leid mein Freund. Iche ablehen diene Geschichte fur zwei Razumen. Erst ist die Stiel. So viel sehr kurzen Absatzen. Das allein ist nicht immer schlecht, aber, wenn es gibt das mit sehr langen Satzen, es gibt eine Unvareinbarkeit.

Hiere, ich schiebe so, fur Bespiel. Kannst du mich verstehen? Schlicht, ja oder nie?

Diese Satze ist so genau lange, aber es ist die einstige Satze vom dieser Absatz, und so ich hoffe, das du kannst das Problem jetztz verstehen.

Die Grammatik war wonderschoen. Die Figuren mir mag gern. Ein ander Problem war das du hast zu viel vom Deutsch gebenetuzen. Geschichten auf fimfic sollen wichtigten auf Englisch sein. Es war kein Problem fur mich, weil ich kann Deutsch verstehen. Hab kein angst, ich manchmals mache dieser Abweg mit der russischer Sprache. Alles im ordnung, es war nicht schlecht, aber wir wollen nicht ok haben, wir wollen fantastisch.

Kalash93

Title: Same World, Different Realities by Mocha Star
Amount Read: All currently published (through A Different World)
Verdict: Reject (2.5/10)
Reason:

There’s a decent amount to say about this story, and none of it really that good.

To start, I have to talk about Ruthenium. To say the least, she’s irrelevant. She provides a little bit of insight into this nation that Twilight is entering into, but a not insignificant amount of what she has to add to the story could have been inferred from Twilight’s interaction with these new ponies. And if not, it wouldn’t really be that hard to show it in some other way, especially through advancing the plot that just drags its feet when it comes to advancing. Trying to show the social aspects of this nation is all well and good, but when the same few points are repeated every few sentences, it just gets unnecessary.

While we’re on the point of society, I have to critique the actual commentary going on here. It’s clear that the author is setting out to write this with a message (and a fairly thinly-veiled one at that; I’m looking at you, Governor Trumpet of Fox News), but it’s not delivered well. Not only is it repeated endlessly, but everything the author brings up in this society just turns into a strawman. Virtually everything about the country’s social norms are dialed up to 11, and it’s very clear that I’m supposed to disagree with it. But when it is presented, it’s so far out there that it’s hard to really think about and learn anything from.

The next thing...toilet talk. Really? Rainbow Dash has stale urine dumped on her, Twilight pisses herself in the sauna, there’s a whole town of ponies living in two generations of body waste (side note, how did they not all die of disease?), earth ponies apparently just go around relieving themselves mid-stride, and Ruthenium mentions her bowels every few sentences. What’s it adding? I can get some of the stuff with the earth ponies, but then it falls back into being too over the top to really work as any sort of commentary.

Finally, the story itself is just confusing. I’m still not entirely sure what’s going on, why Twilight is just sailing some ship out into the unexplored world, why only Rainbow Dash is with her, what Ruthenium’s role in pretty much anything is, what this brand new nation no one’s ever heard of is, how they’re so much more technologically advanced than Equestria, and how all the earth ponies play into this.

In short, there’s quite a few issues with this fic, predominantly in poor execution. For the above reasons, I am rejecting this fic.