• Member Since 16th Apr, 2014
  • offline last seen Monday

Pen Dragon

A man who writes here for fun, and is taking a long ass time to post lol



Suicune was considered a God among his fellow Displaced, but as centuries passed, everyone he once knew, vanished in a blink of an eye. He was alone with no one, but the elder siblings, but even they grew distant from each other. Now with only one option, he travels to Equestria to find a new destiny.

Authors Note: This is an alternate universe from my original story The Displaced. The cast won't be large and I plan to keep it that way with a few exceptions. I hope this makes up for that bad ending I had before.

Chapters (9)
Comments ( 66 )

I am having trouble convincing myself to read this, because of a single mistake:

but as centuries past,

This should be 'but as centuries passed, '. I hope you will fix this.

7609878 it's been taken care of.

The show must go on u have captured my reading eyes good work

7618783 Thanks...if you want to know more on what I have planned than read my latest blog!

A pretty nice ending.:twilightsmile:

7627991 Thanks but it's not over yet.:yay:

Nice next chapter I'll read it slower ps origination was the correct spell for what u were gonna use other then that good read( I'm not too accurate with my spelling ether so I'm not sure if it is originated or origination

Alright Pen,

I appreciate you asking me for my thoughts, since I assume you found me through Tarb's work.

Firstly, I have to say that I'm largely impressed by your work in this story so far. Definitely more interesting than I thought I was getting.

Here's what I'll do: I describe my criticisms first, then the positives.

I noticed a recurring trend, is that you'll repeat certain words or phrases within close proximity to each other. This is a common issue with young writers, since most lack the off-hand vocabulary to rephrase or employ synonyms. It's not a major issue, but it was something that kept sticking out to me.
You did acknowledge that you misspelled a few words, and I saw a few of them appear multiple times across the chapters. Like when you use "than" instead of "then", a spellcheck wouldn't catch it, but there is a difference. Overall typos and misspelled words a minor issue at best, but something to always be on the lookout for.

Other than that dude, the story's concept struck me as mature, the vocabulary you did exhibit impressed me, and the general flow of events, while kinda hasty, was smooth.

I stopped watching Pokemon in the 2nd season, and there wasn't a single non-pony character I knew, but the way the characters talked and how you used narrative exposition to tell us who they are, helped me understand who they were pretty quickly, without being clunky. I could tell fairly soon that this story was connected to others ones, but it wasn't a problem for me when trying to comprehend what was going on.

And I don't know how much of the headcanon about the "Displaced" is yours, but it is an interesting concept. I think you are doing a very fine job, and I'm glad you asked me to take a look.

7677045 Thank you for your honesty. I really appreciate this and yes I've read and watched your reviews on Tarbs work. So thanks again, I hope you'll enjoy my story as I release future chapters:pinkiehappy:

Well, they are on him awefully fast. One must wonder how they got to that dimension so quickly :rainbowderp:
Otherwise if that is a Cellestia Ship I see in the distance the day shall be glorious.

Looking forward to the updates

7719710 Thanks glad you like it

Finally gave this a look, not bad

Not bad but not good ether

The not bad is you got every thing too fit very well and perfectly

The not good though there is some missing words that should fit in and it would've been flawless ples read over if you can and see where some missing words are

Overall it's good in character and grate in storyline keep up da good work

7753002 I shall take that as a complement.......I make edits once I get the chance.

Damn, things are gonna get intense now

7767472 Yep, oh FrostTheWolf posted his chapter with your character in it. Check it out:pinkiehappy:

This has some great potential. Will continue to read on. :twilightsmile:

I threw Akino towards a tree with his magic.

You may wanna change that "his" ta something else fitin first person.

Comment posted by Belloch2401 deleted Jan 22nd, 2017

I have a good suspicion on who Spear and Kindle are... But I'll keep that to myself.:twilightsmile:

I'm enjoying this story. Keep up the good work, mate:moustache:

7913142 Thanks I'm glad your enjoying it:pinkiehappy:

Can't wait for more keep it up

What does it take to have our displace to be in this story?

There were some points in which you made statements into questions for no apparent reason, like here:

"You may enter."
"Lord Suicune, we have completed the teleporter like you asked," A humanoid bird said, bowing.
"Thank you Zsoltan, I would like to see it immediately?" I asked.

Why is he asking if he himself wants to see the teleporter he asked to be completed? :derpytongue2:

Ignoring that, an interesting intro.

"Zsoltan, I don't regret anything I say and if you truly see this as treason than you can alert Lord Yasha if you wish, but I am leaving and I don't know if you'll see me again. But I'm counting on you to look after the other Displaced. More will keep falling victim to that email and they'll need someone to look after them," Zsoltan has been serving Ozai and me for two hundred years now and I trust him more than the others. Zsoltan didn't have a response and remained quiet the rest of the way.

I'm going to be honest, I hope that this doesn't means he is one of those "Displacer", the newest version of those guys who are supposed to train the displaced. That is actually the only thing I hate, that new addition was a bit to much.

What the two fillies didn't know was that their about to awaken the former deity of The Displaced. It's eyes slowly began to open, trying to figure out it's surroundings, as both fillies froze in place.

at least it looks like it doesn't means anything anymore. Sorry but sometimes I think some stuff looks better if they learn it for themself or if it seems like some kind of mystery.

I'm still interessted in the story, I just wanted to meniton that fact.

Sometimes I honestly think some are just affraid to mention if they don't like something, because I remember a homepage where nothing was ever questioned and every episode got always 5/5 points from 90% of people.

PS: since i saw the romance between him and Celestia, I hope you don't add Luna to the mix, it doesn't always has to end up like that.

"Did you honestly think that you'd get away Scott-free, you are suppose to be in charge of the North Region, not Zsoltan!" Elysium shouted. In all honesty I never liked her in the least, she was always a pain to work with.

I kind of hoped he would yes, I don't exacty like the "Displaced" army thing.

I kind of hoped his only problems would exist in Equestria now, not everything has to be super natural with enemys that could destroy whole worlds.

you can write pretty good and while I noticed they maybe aren't like that...uuhhhh convention guy (I forgot the word) that is selling all the anime stuff, I still don't exactly like the idea of another army of Villains going after him. I just hope that in this Equestria others like Celestia and Luna are actually able to help him or that Crossover guys are going to defend him withouth Crossovers to happen every third chapter.

I just wish I could have one day to be like everypony else and not have to constantly deal with political businesses or nobles. But I can't change that and the I really should get out more if thoughts like that appear more..

some see it ike that and others see it like that, I however think she can.
I start to accept the fact that it slightly turns out like another story I remember, I guess it is a bit similar like the one from Gilgamesh.

Even if I liked it, I feel like the midsequel story with the romance between those too is a bit rushed, since there are not many chapters left for them to even meet and it looks like they would do it right after saying hello right now.

Normally I don't like that, but maybe you made it look good.

“As you know, I’m from another world and I fear that my kind are trying to make their way to your world.” He said, causing the fillies to gasp. “I cannot defeat them on my own, so I’ll ask you… Will you be my students?”

uuuuuuuuhhhhhhh very difficult to image them as the next go like warriors trained by Suicune. (Power Puff Poneys)

It is interessting how they can just switch between worlds, but the strongest of them can't do that.

‘Very well… But just so you know Suicune, even you can’t deny something like love.’

Well that doesn't has to mean he wants to know about their love.

Okay I'm not sure if this counts here, but sometimes I feel to many crossovers or to many characters make the story bad. Long story short, I kind of hope there isn't action after actions after action.

I felt tears stream down my face for the first time in four thousand years and it still hurts just thinking about her.

This doesn't make much sense. I mean, just now after 4000 years he cried over her? This line implies that he was thinking about her on other occasions too, so this shouldn't be the first time. What makes this time so special? Or did he really not think about her for 4000 years, which would be the other alternative to his crying, albeit not a good one. I'm kind of missing the emotion here. Just writing that someone started crying feels a tad awkward if it wasn't properly introduced a few paragraphs prior. A small build-up to his feelings would have been great. Of course that still doesn't solve the problem of 'why now?' I think this chapter would have been better if such a question was actually answered. There just was no event that drove him to do it. It's just like he was thinking, 'why not?' despite this being a serious decision. Incentives are something that are useful in such situations. Just to give someone a reason to suddenly change ones routine completely. An event is really something that can enhance this chapter. Without it, it feels a tad lacking. But that's just my opinion.

Do you know when you're going to continue with this story? This is a good first chapter for it. 😁

Not even finished, yet labeled as complete, I think you misplaced the 'cancelled' button

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