You'd think things couldn't get any weirder in Ponyville, well you thought wrong. A group of humans that have been transformed and imprisoned in stone for over two thousand years stumble upon the very soil of Equestria for the first time.
Who are these strangers and how did they end up in Equestria? Celestia and Twilight ask but while they try to find answers darker forces approach to seek vengeance. While secrets and truths are revealed.
This story is inspired by New world, New way
This story is Sequel to Shadowblade in Equestria
Chapters (6)
Keep it up dude it was AWSOME
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6558141 Sure, Thanks
Punctuation is a large issue.
Using too many "..." in the story. And a pie? At the both? Was it large enough to cover them both, were they side by side now? Was is the size of the balcony and what kind of pie? How did he not get any of this giant pie on him if he was next to this emotional Luna that spoke in ancient verbage? Details! I must know about this uber magical pie!
This type of sentence reads like it was said in two seconds without a comma after 'Brother', and the exclamation mark makes it seem like it was shouted, not 'said', and happily? Read it loud and with in a happy voice, see how it sounds.
One hour later, two hours before, Celestia sitting randomly enjoying a 'cold' breeze in the middle of summer? What time of day/night is it.
Why are Discord and Luna together?
Do we, avid fans of the show, not know who the CMC are? And if not, names alone? Who is who, what do they look like, what are their personalities, and what are the cutie mark crusaders; If you're telling us we should all be treated like we know.
Also, how much earlier in the morning if right after they are mumbling over the overused gag of 'tree sap' they scream at the Pokemon?
Show; don't tell. A phrase that will elevate you to the feature box if you use it for this story, maybe.
And don't scene hop so often. Is it imperative we know if Celestia was drinking tea at anytime of day before either Discord or Luna screamed in the Royal Canterlot Voice her name, to which she had no real reaction besides unimpressed detachment?
Do you have an editor? I have a few that would be open to help you with simple issues like the ones you're making that are making your story, confusing, to a reader who knows nothing of modern Pokemon. I have no want, need, or desire to lookup what each Pokemon looks like.
Overall the story is okay, you just need to be linear, more descriptive, and get an editor.
The description; how many people? If they've been transported and turned to stone, why are they all Pokemon? Where's this going? Details? And the story has to match the description.
If you want an editor PM me, I've got two you can use.
Well, it has possibilities! Let's see where you take this
Does the message in the description say that any kind of Displaced is welcome in the story?
6560347 Yes but if you want more details PM.
6560542 ok, because I have one that could fit right in
6560545 Well PM me.
6559138 True my description doesn't explain much but that's why I plan to explain everything in the story itself. Like how they got there in the first place, why they transformed. So hope that answers your question.
My reaction to each of the characters in this story:
To Suicune and Gardevoir:
Holy @#$*! These guys look awesome!
To Infernape and Torterra:
Meh, I guess they're alright.
To Loppuny:
HAHAHAHAHAH!!!! She looks dumb!!
.........What? I'm not a Pokemon fan.
My favourite's Delphox.
either eqeustrias tech is more advance then we think or discord just spawned them
A Displaced version of A New World, A New Way? Please tell me you are going to crossover with other pokemon Displaced? Because dealing with a certain Yveltal should be fun for at least Suicune if none of the others.
6590749 Sadly no I said this was inspired by new world, new way. This is really different.
6591825 The Displaced Yveltal I am referring to is King Phillip from A New Wheel, and no, the title doesn't make sense yet.
This story is good you just have 1 or 2 minor errors
Missing most of a sentence at the end there. Any way, so long as the context is present, I can figure out most of what you are writing.
6591825 wheres shadowblade
And yay pokemon
MOAR PLZ!!!!
I like this. Your story so far is probably one of the better displaced stories our there. Really you shouldn't feel ashamed of what you have written at all.
6663598 Thanks
*Sees Nathan Phoenix in the chapter*
I have plans to cross my Jack into the Nathan Phoenix fic, and since it's apparently tied to this, I'd like to extend that offer here.
Okay, you didn't do horribly. Anyway, my only advice I can offer is write a hundred words every day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year. Just any hundred words minimum.
6664647 Well Nathan is just a guest star in this, it has nothing to do with his main story. He does have Sapphire and Lyric with him but he's just kinda there
6671967 he does have a role in my story but your right his main story isn't in this story. This is a Different Nathan Phoenix in a different universe with his kids.
6671967 Let me rephrase that then:
Would you like to do a crossover with my Jack, in a style of, in the past, they had to beat him back out if their world?
6673373 Is he human
6673377 No.
Jack of Blades is a non-human entity that originates form the Void itself.
He just LOOKS human.
6673390 Maybe
6673373 i have agreed to that crossover, I should be able to do it soon
Things are getting interesting now
Okay, when you say asked, ALWAYS put a question mark at the end of the sentence, not a comma. When they say something in disappointment, end it with three periods and no more than that. When they are shouting AND asking a question, put a question mark and an exclamation mark. And most importantly, new speaker, new paragraph. That means if the same speaker is still talking, DON'T separate it. Also, when the conversation has gone on for a few sentences for each piece of dialogue for each person (keep in mind this only applies when there are only two speakers) you don't have to end the dialogue with commas or other symbols anymore and can use full stops, meaning you also don't need to keep saying "they said" or "he/she said" or "I said" unless you want to implement a certain action.
I like where this is headed. Question though... Are these Displaced soon up for meeting any displaced?
6723827 Yes
6723808 Thanks for the advice. I'll try to remember
I just want to make sure I'm understanding this right, all the displaced in here are like the Pokemon in the wayverse right? In other words all the displaced are being put onto this Equestria by something like Arceus with the Pokémon.
6724192 Something like that but it's completely different.
Okay, since you're edging on whether or not to cross over with my Jack, how about him warning the princesses to be careful, and maybe a bit of worry on his own part?
After all, Jack has seen the rise and fall of several gods and even been the death of a few.
...
This being the Fable canon, which means my Jack has ALL those memories.
6724153 Awesome. Looking forward to it!
6724670 maybe even warns them of Nathan's true abilities
By the way, I'll be able to do our crossover soon, just ironing a few things out
Telling them they are a show back home? Kind of cliche but I'll deal with it. I just don't like how they're doormats and still have to listen to the princesses.
I love your story! I got inspired by your story that i'll write my own soon! I'm a bit surprised by them telling them where their from... I was expected it to be at least a chapter 10 or something- but this still work perfect!
Where is shadowblade? I was promised a certain bill cipher like frost demon, and he isn't here.
6952993 It's back
6725451 I decided to look back at this story and found this comment. I was wondering if you would like to continue this story? The world of the Displaced is a canvas that is endless and I think you could take it in another direction. Reply when you get this
7530605 I may, but right now my schedule is full and I have other projects planned. Maybe sometime in the future
I never understood the whole poke speak thing. If it's that they can understand each other and humans, but humans can't understand them, how did meowth learn how to talk