• Member Since 19th Nov, 2014
  • offline last seen 10 hours ago

Lightning Spear


What's my name? tell me yours and lets be friends! I love action games, guns, gore, and sharp steels. Used to be a hater of MLP:FIM but now I am in love with Princess Luna. 'nuff said

T

At the height of war against Atlas Corporation, Gideon and Jack Mitchell are sent with a team of Sentinel operatives on a covert ops; shortly after their R&R.

However, things went sideways, and they were thrust headlong into a peaceful world filled with multicolored talking ponies. In the aftermath of the events, the Sentinels realize that they have no way to return home.

But when a new war threatens their new home and friends, the Sentinels are called forth once again to do what they do best...


A CoD: Advanced Warfare and MLP: FIM crossover.
Call of Duty belongs to Activision and MLP: FIM belongs to Hasbro (or else I'd be bathing in money now:ajsmug:). And any videos or pictures belong to their rightful owners or companies or etc.

I own nothing, aside from the story itself. :pinkiesmile:

And comments of why you like or dislike this fict are greatly appreciated.:twilightsmile:

Enjoy!

Chapters (23)
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Comments ( 560 )

5593425 yeah, I read your story too. Quite interesting begining with Irons. But remember, we've got different settings here

I like this lets see where it leads and how far you are gonna take it

Honestly, there is little to no description of anything. So it is really up to the reader to come up with what it all looks like.

Show, not tell.

As it reads now, it is a giant list of what happened, little more. A good editor should be able to help a lot however.

5594429 Thanks for the feedback, greatly appreciated. :twilightsmile:

But, do you mind to go into more detail? I don't really catch your meaning.

5594449 No problem and I'll try to explain as best I can.

The setting isn't filled in at all. Just a cold open to people talking in a hangar. What does it look like, is it hot or cold, describe what the people are wearing/doing/looking at to breathe some life into it.

Basically it comes across that you are relying on the reader to know the key who/what/where/when/why to the story. Suppose I was talking to someone who had never seen the Mona Lisa. Would it make more sense to say something like, "it is a painting of a smiling lady," or show a photo of it? One way, sure yeah it is a smiling lady that everyone thinks is nice. The other, people see the detail that went into it and why it is a masterpiece.

Make your story feel alive. There are a ton of great stories on here that you could page through and get great examples. Honestly, reading some of the top rated ones and learning from it is some of the best advice I could give you. Keep your writing style your own, BUT see how things all flow together into a great story and use it in your writing.

Two great stories that are great references for detail:
'The Keepers of Discord' by Hoopy McGee
'Hard Reset' by Eakin

Comment posted by The_alpha_derp deleted Feb 7th, 2015

Finally! A CoD AW fanfic. Been looking for months for something like this! Keep up the good work! :pinkiehappy:

5594518

Will you update soon? It's only been a day, sure, but it feels like a year. Plz don't let this story become one of those single chapter incomplete stories.

Fairly good so far, seems you kept everyone in character, and you gave descriptions, good use of break lines and photos, overall it's shaping up to be a fine story.

This story shows promise... I will track it

5602730
5602977

Thanks guys, I appreciate it:twilightsmile:

Hope you guys stick with me.

I would love to have the Sentinel Task Force Exo and Uniform! I can go invisible just higher than anyone else :rainbowlaugh:

All you have to do to make this a great story is work on staying with one tense. You're constant changing between past tense and present tense has me fucked up. I get a little into the story and then bam, different time peroid. Find an editor or if all else fails then ask me to edit. Please don't though.

5605026 oh I see, well then thanks for the feedback and the fave! And I greatly appreciate if you stick with the story:twilightsmile:

5605026 but, could you show me some examples from the mistakes you see? If you could, that will be so much better:twilightsmile: thanks before.

5599894"A year has passed since the events of New Baghdad. With Johnathan Irons dead, and Manticore destroyed; Atlas was slowly but surely loosing its ground" It should be along the lines of, " A year had passed since the events of New Baghdad. With Johnathan Irons dead, and Manticore destroyed; Atlas was slowly but surely losing its ground"

"So basically, he could cut his arm again and get a new one straight away."
Don't ever break something down like that. If you have to bring your desciption to such low levels you should use a better description.

"They are about to go on a presumably months-long covert op; their mission is to search and destroy the remaining Atlas infrastructure throughout Europe." With the majority of the story you're writing in past tense and yet here we have present tense. What it should read as is, "They were about to go on a presumably months-long covert op; their mission was to search and destroy the remaining Atlas infrastructure throughout Europe."

"Damn, look at all of these stuff" I'm pretty sure this one explains itself as well as this one "That's a lot of shit for us; never carry this many stuff before"

"But hey I am not complaining" when using dialogue there's an unspoken rule that says people usually talk with conjugations in their sentences. Which of these sounds more natural,
A. Jeff looked at her and said with a loving twinkle in his eye, "Bitch, if I don't got my money by Friday you's dead."
Or
B. Jeff looked at her and said with a loving twinkle in his eye, "Bitch, if I do not have my money by Friday you is dead."


Anyways, I think I've made my point sufficiently. If you need more just ask.

5605694 wealy!? Oh gesh meh lord
So do you plan to have a fight between Atlas a the Sentinels
I NEED BLOOD

5607889 ah, fair point!

Alrighty then, thanks for the corrections and reviews! :twilightsmile:

I will do my best to fix those mistakes in the future.

5609565 Really!

I don't know about that; not yet.

But for the blood?
Oh you will get that for sure! :pinkiecrazy:
Didn't put that 'gore' tag for nothing you know:pinkiecrazy:

So far so good, but I say that the IMR has a 5.56X45mm NATO, since the wiki says the gun is primarily used by the USMC, who use the 5.56 NATO.

Damnit I was hoping this story would keep going! :fluttershyouch:

5617890 working hard on the next chapter

Quick question that's been bugging me since first chapter: how come jokers on sentinel's side? I'm pretty sure he never switched from atlas?

5619605 the same reason of why Gideon defected from Atlas. By the way it was never stated whether he defected from Atlas or not; so I decided to create my own scenario.

I haven't even read the first chapter, but I know i'm going to like this because one of the main character's names is my name. I'm an egotistical bastard.

Hey look! An Advance Warfare crossover that didn't mix it up with Assassin's Creed!

You now have my full-on attention.

For the first chapter, it was simple and pretty good to begin with (Glad to see another story that has MSOR and the Night Stalkers in it :ajsmug:).

Also, the second chapter. I enjoyed it a lot, but I was hoping one of the guys would use their Exo abilities, such as the Sonics to deteriorate and confuse the guards (There's an idea.) Regardless, I wanna see some bullets flying!

Speaking of bullets, the third chapter. I like how the guards didn't freak the fuck out when the group spoke about meat.

Also, PUNCAKES!

And I hope you'll be showing the Exo abilities to the fullest very soon. I for one, want to see their reaction to the Exo Hover and Exo Sonics. Along with a couple of weapons demonstrations. (20mm anyone?)

And about the bullets. I think the IMR, since it used 3D printing technology, used 7.62mm caseless rounds, or maybe an even higher grade bullet! It is 2062, I would expect an ammunitions upgrade.

Overall, I love it. For an AW crossover, I really do. You got me reeled in, hooked, and fried. Like and Flavorite. :rainbowkiss:

5633971 you noticed me! :pinkiegasp:

Don't worry, your requests are on my plans! :pinkiehappy:

Thanks for da fave! And hope you enjoy it and stick with me.:twilightsmile:

5633987 Of course I noticed you! I like returning favors, and reading CoD crossovers.

And you bet I'll stay on board. I want to see how this'll turn out, and I can't resist Exo suits.

Enjoy the Exo-fave!

good chapter and good story so far

keep up the good work

5640269 thanks! Glad you enjoyed it :pinkiehappy:

Now the fun part, hiding the world wars from Twilight.

5640313
Could you bring back cormack and William please I would love to see everyones favorite sentinal commander and marine return

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
NOT THE GUNS, THE PRESUS GUNS!!!!!

Yeah! Showing the Princess' war and making them sad FTW!

Uhm... Sorry.

Anyways, awesome chapter! I expect some amazing demonstrations soon. And have you considered bringing in AST's and/or those mobile controllable tanks?

And I can see a lot of potential if you bring the Manticore into the picture. I know I do. :ajsmug:

5647004 ASTs? OF COURSE!:pinkiehappy: but it will be quite far from now.

or those mobile controllable tanks?

Oh, you mean MD turrets?

5647709 Yea, the MD. I love the fact that it's a 20mm grenade launcher machine gun. Makes a Stryker look like a carridge

5647738 On weapons, yes.

But the Stryker can hold more troops. It's an IFV after all :pinkiesmile: while the MD is just a (badass) mobile turret :twilightsmile:.

5647761 True.

Now that I think about it, what if the 20mm turret was attached to the Stryker?

...:rainbowdetermined2:

My friend, you need an editor.

Otherwise, this is extremely good.

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