After being tossed out from his own village Naruto meets king Sombra who adopts him and makes him his son, this takes place in a world where the shinobi world and the pony world are in the same place. Also Sombra was mearly banished from equestria and send to the elemental nations.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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4819203 can i ask what you dont like about it
Are you fucking kidding me? This is a literal story that exists? HA! No review needed, the story tells its joke for me!
4819309 can you atlest tell me what im doing wrong and a reason you don't like it
4819350 Alright, I'll level with you. Besides the bad grammar... The title, the premise, and I can't even read the first chapter without gagging. It's pretty tough here. I don't even need to review it. That's just how bad I think this is.
4819360 alright that helps
4819360 also this had been on fanfiction net for over a year when i first started writing so i was a bad writer it only began to improve after about chapter 5 based on comments form other sites.
4819377 Fanfiction.net? Did it get positive reception over there? Because if it did, they lied to you.
4819380 it did and actually it had over 120 people following it now and over 100 favorites
4819389 Oh... That's not a good sign.
4819394 what do you mean
4819418 Generally, people fanfiction like low quality things to the point that people (you) put them over here thinking you have a great fic. But usually, Fimfiction has people with higher standards and they don't upvote this stuff as much.
4819436 i guess that makes sense and it would explian how vegeta in eqestria got popular (my story) when i think it shouldn't be anyway this really helped also can you help me on my other story which i will be submitting soon
(I'm going to speak as a guy who has never seen the Naruto series before; not everyone on this site knows who and what Naruto even is.)
The story lacks any form of coherence. We go into it and get a massive and very much needless exposition dump, as if it will somehow give the protagonist an interesting backstory and make the readers care about this guy. The problem is it doesn't.
The only people who cared about him got killed? Alright, who were they? Why did they like him? Who is Iruka and Mizuki and more importantly: why should any of us care?
That's the thing: we don't care about this guy. We don't care about his (supposed) friends, and we don't care what's going to happen and why it happens.
Also, the way it's paced and - not to mention - structured:
Seriously?
You know, for flashbacks or internal monologue, italic is a viable feature. Just saying.
---
I could barely get past the first chapter, and I have no interest finding out what's beyond. My advice is you should rewrite this and change the title and the description, else no one will bother giving it a read, hardly a like.
It's the premise of the whole story. I don't usually give bad reviews, but since you want to know I guess I'll give you one. First of all, if it's Anthro I don't get what Naruto is I mean he's human right so shouldn't this be with that tag. And I feel like you're summery is a comment not a actual summery of the story. Who puts also in a summery it's like saying P.S. I need to add this but I don't know how to, so I'll just throw it in there with the summery.
Secondly, why would King Sombra adopt Naruto?
Oh, I thought adopting meant that the kid becomes your butler. Seriously, I'm pretty sure people know what adoption means. And if the worlds of MLP and Naruto are the same, how come I haven't seen any ninjas on the sho- wait I see what you did there.
Anyways, if it's so popular on Fanfiction then you should stay over there. People are looking for material that will be noticeable, how hard is it to find a pic of a pony Naruto? But I will say that if you want any help with future stories then I'd be happy to do so.
Till the next one
-R
4819458 fair enough i guess i should have kind of expected that not many people in a site dedicated specially for mlp would know about naruto this was when i was a new writer and this was a challnage onf fanfiction net. yeah i know it was bad at the start thanks for the help on the fic
4819389
A following on fanfiction.net means nothing. Their blind praise and admiration is worthless.
Also, just because a large amount of people tell you they like it, doesn't actually mean its good. All it tells you is you can spew forth the same amount of garbage and no one will care because they don't have any form of standards, unlike this site does. So kindly, fuck off. Your story is shit, and many people have told you why it's shit. So if you don't want to heed their advice and try to improve, go fuck off on back to Fanfiction.net where nobody has standards and just blindly tells you your writing is god tier.
4819464 your points are all valid and thanks for the criticisms it really helps me to improve the story and any future projects
4819482 i do take their advice and i want to improve this was when i was a starting writer of course it would suck looking abk i kind want to go back and change most of my stories
4819484
A little piece of advice or challenge for your writing, I did this to one of the people I edit for (thier comments are like texting). Whenever you have a comment try to have it with the least amount of errors possible. Exams being that YOU CAPITALIZE YOUR I'S! Sorry, it's a pet peeve of mine.
4819494
Wait really? Wow. You are a rarity on this site. And just for you showing acknowledgement of your failings and willingness to change your ways... You've earned my respect. I wish you luck. Hopefully with time and practice you will improve your craft and grow beyond where you are now.
Good luck.
4819517 Oh sorry I tend to forget that and yeah thanks for the criticisms most people can't take it but I love both kinds of feed back I was actually getting sick of all the positive feedback on fanfiction net this was a nice change of pace
4819525 yeah like I said before this was a old story even I have a hard time reading the chapters. The only story I have fun writing is the story with my pony oc Light. Not to mention you learn a lot more from negative feed back than you do for positive feed back
4819526
I have to agree with Leapingriver, you definitely are a rarity. Not many people want to take advice like the reviews given to you just today. You've got a chance on this site if you keep that attitude. I definitely want to give you help with any future stories, if you'd want me to that is.
Till the next one
-R
4819546 hey I am trying to get another story on this site and I have a link for it on fanfiction net it's only two chapters so it's easy to change if i send you the link will you rate it on this site
4819570
Sure, I'll do it when I can.
4819575 https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10568122/1/The-adventures-of-Light-Dragonfire
here is the link for it be merciless and tear down any flaws I want the feed back
Tap the button on the comment section that's in the middle of the pic and color wheel. It'll come out like this:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10568122/1/The-adventures-of-Light-Dragonfire
4819590
Or you could do this:
New story
4819630 oh thanks I'm still getting used to this site it kind of confuses me a bit hell I had a story here for over a yea and it did n't get any views the today I learned I need to click the publish button after you have the chapters up, yeah it kind of made me feel like a whats the phrase total idiot
4819651 Do not post THIS here. It's going to be hated. I promise you.
4819691 tell me what was wrong with it
4819706 For one, it's your OC. Second, trying a romance with a main character. Third, its your OC.
4819710 well to be fair he did fail and get kicked in the nuts and yeah he is a huge ass hat
4819719 It's not about whether he's an ass hat or not. It's not about whether he gets kicked in the nuts. It's matter of how much hate you want to receive.
4819737 alright then tell me what I need to improve on
4819753 Just throw out the whole story. Get rid of the OC. Make something original. Don't make your OC name sound like World of Warcraft. You know? Basic stuff.
4819753
Change his fucking name, because you want to write a story about a PONY in the MLP FiM universe, not a story about some kind of WOW character. The name is important, because no one want to read the adventure of Roberto, Bob, XxDarkNarutoxX and John4785 the Hobbits in Lord of the Ring.
4819761 alright that helps but actually he has a reason for the name he wasn't exactly raised by ponies he is kind of a reverse Spike origin
4819769 well the thing with him he is kind of like a reverse Spike
4819802
Roarin Thunder and FicusCat are right, I would advise against posting that story. Having a self insert story as one of your first stories isn't such a good idea. Usually when people transfer stories from Fanfiction, they don't make it. People on Fanfiction just read it for the fun and don't really care about it. Find an original idea and use the other story as a practice story to learn from.
Half of the new people on Fimfiction form wasted potential, realesing a story without looking over it, thinking it through or even trying to get it edited. Now, I'm not saying that one of those people are you, I just think that thinking this Naruto story through and asking questions from veteran writers would have given you a bit more edge.
Usually one shots are a fast way to get noticed and gain a few followers, they also are a great source to learn from. The readers will usually help you improve greatly by thier comments and let you take on a big project that won't fail. I'll get to the actual story sometime, most likely in a PM. As I said before I'd be happy to edit, proofread, anything to help.
Till the next one
-R
4819889 alright then thanks also can you help critic a story that I plan to write for DBZ and bleach it will only be released on my deviant art page when I Finish the first chapter can point out the mistakes there
4821897
I guess so. But can you PM me the link. I also won't be able to do it immediately since I'm helping someone else with their story right now.
4821957 oh sure but I haven't really written it yet it's just an idea in the making.
here is the link to the basic summary of the series and it will be mainly OCs who take part in it
Doesn't change the fact that the fandom makes the stare too overpowered though. So I still call bullshit.