• Member Since 26th May, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 2nd, 2012


I like pancakes....... That's all...... Hi.........


The fourth great ninja war has ended, orochimaru is defeated, the Akatsuki killed, but for naruto, everything comes at a price.

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 88 )

This was interesting and seems like it could easily become an intriguing story with some emotional depth. There are a couple strange grammar errors but they're well within manageable numbers. I wonder where you will take this.

Good luck on writing this story, it has promise. Kudos.:moustache:

Holy crap.... I did not expect to have this much feedback :derpyderp2:
Wow........ People on this site sure are active......

I also wanted to ask you people something, do you want me to make a bunch of short chapters daily or a really long one every one to two days? Really like to know :rainbowwild:

ummm..... shit i dont know, im happy either way:pinkiehappy:

Okay then, 2-5 short chapters a day from now on until somebody suggests something else :coolphoto:

a tip to make it easier to read is to make a new paragraph everytime someone is speaking so it looks kinda like this


(people talking)



K thanks for the tip


You should get a prereader so you can reduce problems with grammatical errors.

-Lone Wolf

I already have one. I use my iPad 2 for writing. Too bad it sucks and corrects words that aren't wrong in the first place but dosen't correct ones that are. :flutterrage:

I'd prefer a large chapter rather than some short ones, but I'm not too picky, and could go either way.

Ok, I'll try to make them longer as I continue the story but it might take a while because I don't have much patience for writing longer chapters:scootangel:


lol bad guy just wait until he goes fox mode on yo ass................I cant beleive I said yo


Oh he will :twilightsmile:

will naruto have full control of the fox's power?


Princess vs fox:trollestia:

Oh and please make Kyuubi destroy Twilight's mind pleasepleasepleaseplease

this is some fine ass work right here mah brother:moustache:

673462More like fox eats princess no battle there what so ever

I'm starting to think my writing is getting bland...... Any constructive criticisms would be appreciated.

Well if you insist, I recomend a spell and grammer checker, but other than a few problems there, there is nothing wrong and very good story, I can't wait for Twilight to try to read Naruto's mind.

........:pinkiesmile::pinkiehappy: awesomesause right there

DAMN IT TWILIGH :twilightangry2:

twilight, ya dun goofed


Honestly, this chapter had way too many spelling and grammar errors. Words misspelled ("Twillight" should be Twilight), changes in tense ("His name was Naruto" is past tense, when it should be present tense. Saying his name was implies that Naruto is now dead. It should say "His name is Naruto.") My suggestion? Get a beta, or at least make sure to carefully go over the chapter for mistakes before posting. Several of the mistakes look like they would have easily been fixed using spell-check.

As for the story, this chapter made little sense. First, Naruto's explanation of Chakra and Jutsu didn't make any sense at all. He never really said what it was, and what he did say didn't make sense. Best example would be when he said:

"With D being basic justu and S being extremely powerful justu that could kill you if used."

This completely misses the point. Yes, the higher the rank, the more powerful it is. However, the only thing he mentions as an example of S rank is a jutsu that can kill you. What? That's not even close to being true. If all that was needed for a jutsu to be S rank is for it to be able to kill something, then pretty much all jutsu would be S rank.

Next, what was with that fight scene? How did someone manage to gather over 40 diamond dogs, and get them to attack? Also, how were they able to defend Ponyville so quickly? None of them have any experience with fighting (aside from the mane 6, and that's nothing compared to the stuff in Naruto), yet they set up a wall and have a pile of spears waiting to be used?

Speaking of not being used to fighting, they all seemed to take it rather well that this strange creature has a large variety of abilities capable of killing others. They don't even seem to care that this creature seems to have no problem with killing others, compared to the peaceful ponies.

All in all, it's a good story. It has some problems, but I'm sure it'll get better.

Yeah, no.

First of all, what's with this mind magic? There's nothing in the show which shows anything like that, so I'm going to guess it's just a plot device for the story (and, annoyingly enough, seems to show up in a lot of stories as a plot device).

Even worse is that you had Twilight use it. That seems pretty out of character for her to invade someone's mind like that (as in, this entire chapter should never have happened). You didn't even have a build up by having the curiousity drive her to do it. She just randomly did it at the start of the chapter, with no explanation as to why she would even do that in the first place.


K thanks for the suggestions. I'll try and improve the story as I continue on since I'm not that good of a writer anyway, and I'll also try to make the personalities seem more like the actual characters, though I'm not making any promises for this story, never had such a good grade in writing at school anyway.
Thanks though, for telling me on how to improve it.


Well that chapter is now fixed, I have to admit, it is much better now, and for the citizens not reacting to Naruto? It's because he never showed up in Ponyville more than once. The story mostly has him in the everfree forest or inside the libary, only when fluttershy walked naruto to the libary was the only time that he showed his face to public.

twilight you ideot :facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof:
its rude to read people's memorys without asking

When Kyuubi meets Discord, Discord will wish he was dead.


u bastard..... I FUCKING HATE CLIFFHANGERS!!!!!!!:flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage:

fucking update soon dont leave me on a cliffhanger :flutterrage:

I saw the whole thing in my head. Thanks for the details. Also, I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD BE THIS GOOD!

I never thought that anyone or anypony could EVER be more shy than Hinata.:fluttercry:

Okay, every other Naruto fanfic I've read, always had Rarity insult Naruto's style. This one is a first, because she COMPLIMENTS his style.:derpyderp1:

673232We all have our different moments. All is forgiven:scootangel:

DAMN YOU CLIFFHANGER JUTSU!!!:flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage:

I could almost see Naruto's gears rotating in his head as he digested the whole history thing i can totally see him going slack jawed

I could almost see Naruto's gears rotating in his head as he digested the whole history thing i can totally see him going slack jawed

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