Dear Princess Whitesnake,
Here I go again. No matter how many times I get burned, I just keep shoving my metaphorical hands back into the fire. The summary of this letter is as follows: I’m dumb and did a series of dumb things. What started as a piece of fruit lodged in a windpipe quickly spiraled into at least one death and a plague of semi-sentient, omnivorous, vomiting clouds. No, that’s not hyperbole. I’m talking clouds in the sky eating whatever is nearby and spewing it back out as vomit.
I’m sure you have several questions, so I’ll do my best to explain. Get comfy, this is a long one.
The gf and I were on a picnic, right? Eating food, holding hooves, touching butts—typical gay picnic stuff. Trixy Stix thought it would be romantic to feed each other, so she floated a couple grapes into my insatiable maw. When it was my turn to feed her, I grabbed a plum and rammed it to the back of her throat before she could even chew.
You might be asking yourself, “Twilight, why on earth would you do such a thing?” The answer is simple: I’m dumb. The horse gods gifted me with the magical equivalent of retard strength, and most of the time I’m pretty k at keeping it in check. Today, however, I lost control because I was hungry. I wanted Trixie to get back to feeding me, so I tried speeding up her side of the process.
To the shock of absolutely no one (except maybe Stupid, bless his soul), you can’t breathe with a plum lodged in your throat. I immediately tried rectifying my mistake in the only way I know how. Can you guess what it is?
Drum roll, please...
...
...
...
...
Experimental magic!
That’s right, Princess, good job. You win nothing.
When I realized Trixie was choking, I cast my unfinished vomiting spell I had been working on (don’t ask). The plum, along with the rest of her stomach’s contents, was ejected from Trixie’s mouth hole, covering our picnic in bile and partially digested food. Sounds like a mess, right? It got worse.
As we’ve seen before, Omnitrix has an uncanny ability to die whenever she’s in the process of being saved from dying. She had already begun casting the cloning spell before I made her spew. She exploded before the plum even hit the ground.
If that isn’t proof that we’re soulmates, I don’t what is.
So Trixie 3 (aka Hat Trix) was k. Our picnic was ruined, but that didn’t matter to either of us. At this point, I can hear you asking, “But Twilight, what about the cloud vomit?” I’m getting there, Princess Impatience, hold your horses. So rude.
We were in the process of cleaning up the squicknic when I noticed something. There was a lot more bile in Trixie’s vomit puddle than there should have been. After doing some non-invasive scans—the invasive ones came later—I realized she didn’t just throw up, she had expelled every ounce of liquid and semisolid matter in her stomach.
That’s important to note, okay? All the stuff in her stomach was now out of her stomach. That gave me an idea. And I know what you’re thinking, “Twilight, you’re dumb and your ideas are dumb,” and while those are both valid points, I’ve never been one to care about the quality of an idea until after the damage is already done.
My idea was to create a way to deal with rogue clouds from the Everfree causing unscheduled rain over Ponyville whenever the weather patrol missed one. If I modified my (still unfinished) vomit spell, I could use it to get all the stuff inside a cloud to go outside the cloud whenever and wherever I wanted. In other words, I could make the rogue clouds blow their loads before reaching town, eliminating the problem entirely.
As luck would have it, one such group of clouds was heading our way. If I had another couple of brain cells, I might have modified the spell and then cast it. In some alternate universe, that might have actually been the case. I would also be significantly less purple in that universe.
Basically, the spell was keyed specifically to cause the target to expel the contents of its stomach. Clouds don’t have stomachs, so the spell gave them one, complete with bile and random food bits, which they then began to spray across the treetops. In addition to the stomach, the spell also seemed to have granted them a minor degree of sentience. Don’t ask me how any of that happened, I genuinely don’t know. Luckily, the clouds emptied themselves before reaching Ponyville. Unluckily, their stomachs were now empty, meaning they were hungry. They sunk low to the ground and started sucking up plants, animals, our picnic—pretty much anything in their path, they didn’t seem picky.
I could have tried breaking the clouds apart before they did too much damage, but I don’t think I need to remind you just how dumb I am. Seeing as they were now technically living beings, I had some reservations about ending their lives. It’s weird, isn’t it? I only seem to care about the morality of killing when the beings in question aren’t capable of rational thought. If they could think and feel, you bet your ass I’d tear right through them without hesitation.
Anyway, the cloud herd passed overhead and started vomiting their recent meal all over Ponyville, then went back to giving everything the big suck. A couple buildings lost some shingles, but that was about the worst of it in terms of structural damage. We also lost half a dozen carts, two market stalls, and one of Pinkie’s hidden party stashes to the cloud vore, but those can all be rebuilt fairly easily.* They were puked back up just outside of town, so that part of the cleanup was way more convenient than the houses covered in plants and forest animals (all of which were mostly uninjured, by the way).
One thing I forgot to mention: the weather team tried kicking the clouds into pieces, but they kept reforming from their semisolid cloud-stomachs. It was fascinating.
They eventually blew over toward the west, so it’s not our problem anymore. The spell might fade, but I’m not sure if it’s gaining some sort of magical energy from temporarily consuming things. I hope not. Otherwise, there’s gonna be a herd of vomiting clouds roaming across Equestria for the foreseeable future. That would suck.
Your upchuck fuckup,
Twience Fiction
* I also lost the kite I was trying to fly, but she didn’t think that was important enough to mention. It was the kite Luna bought for me when she was drunk-ordering stuff from a catalog. I miss that kite.
Love, Anon
